What would Freud think of this shit?

So first question am...
What it take to wake Monstee from him hibernation?

1. Am it screams and yells from hims hundreds and thousands of screaming and yelling fans? No. Me am Monstee! Me am not to be screamed at! If you want screaming, me give you screaming!!

YAAAAAAGHHHH!!! YYYAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!
HOOT HOOT!
BLABERBLABERBLABER
BLABBERBBER!!! SCREEEEEEEEESSHHHHHT!

There, me think me make me point.

2. Am it many and many more emails and comments from peoples wondering what me up to and when me am going to post again cause them am getting tired of checking same old blog site and seeing noting posted? No. But me have heard you and me am feeling you up. Me too am also not type of person who like same things as me just said excepting feeling up part. But for now me am getting you off for later and plan to post stuff just for you in near future. Good for you?

3. Am it because some VERY SWEET, nice, intelligent, kind, Mega Cool, kissyface, effervescent, quirky, funny, lovable, flirty girl offered to send me topless pic of self if me post? Well if me really thought me would get one me would say YES! YES!!! 34-48 C-DD TIMES YES!!! But by topless me expected pic of her with her head cut off or something. Also, me not log on to get offer till it like over weeks old and stuff. Me going to be discreet and not say who make offer, but me go on record and say me would still be VERY interested seeing her angrygrrboobs.

4. Was it cause me was actually blessed with comment from one and only El Barbudo? Dark man on campus? Evil spirit of global village? Guy on side of road with chainsaw of Internet highway? Man who put bile in biloney? ...no. Me was honored, but if me was going to point out that him no posts but twice year, well that would be like dick calling cunt harry.

5. So was it mixture of everything that touch me heart and drag me to keyboard so me could express me love and warmth for all you who stick by me even when me not there for you to stick by but me still think of you and have warm and fuzzy feelings for you and wish me had more to say so we could just spend more time together cause even when when we apart for few seconds it seem like much, much longer???

No.
What blog you people been reading? Me am Monstee! You love me no matter what me do! Me could go years no posting and you sure as hell keep checking and be damn glad for privilege of doing it. No. You am nothing to Monstee's need to post. You am just kings ear for which me am poring poison of truth! That am right! If me am only one going to do it, then let it be me! Me let it slide last year and it go away on its own. But now it am back.
"What? What am it?" you ask!
Taco Bell Cheesy Beefy Melt!
DUN DUN Daaaaaaa.....

Me wait second and let that sink in.


You know where me going with this right? If so, just sit back and enjoy, it not....
SIT UP AND TAKE NOTICE PEOPLE!!
Ad for this thing am.... Well.... It am.... GOD! Here, look at it youself!
God Forsaken Ad
NO, no. You go see. You need to see before we go on. Me be here when you get back.





Did you see that?!?! DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!!? Am that not most horrific piece of subliminal horseshit you ever see?!?! OH Me GOD!! Do me REALLY have to point this out to some people??? REALLY?? Some of you am really THAT thick headed that you no see it?!? OK.... Lets start at beginning...

First, ok, me give devil him due. They am using REAL song "I'll Stop The World and Melt with You" by Modern English. Thank you for not rewriting lyrics like you so often do you pig fuckers, er.... Me mean advertisers. Me know you could have had some sound alike band singing something like:
"We'll stop the world and melt for you.
You've had burritos and there getting better all the time.
There's nothing Taco Bell wont do.
We'll stop the word and melt for you."
But you didnt. No. You just took lovable song from 80's and used it for hawking fast food cause it have word 'melt' in it, right? Yes you did! But let me tell you somthing.... Nobody want to eat food that melt WITH them! That am just... Bad.
It be like...
"Hey, let me take a bite out of this new thing. mmmMMmmmm...
Well I must say, that's quite OH MY GOD! ITH MELGING INGOO MY FLETH!!! GGAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!"
No, me not REALLY have problem with sound of ad, it am imiges. Let's take look.
Here am lady waiting for train. Don't THAT seem like good place to stop for bite to eat? ...place full of soot, grease and noxious fumes in air.... Hells Yeah! And here am young man, eating and starring off into.... What, space? ...the sky? ...her? ...anyway what am with that zombie type look in hims eyes? He just realized what he am REALLY doing, right? Do me really have to say this? LOOK AT PICTURES!!! That am not averts for fast food!
THIS AM MONEY SHOTS FOR FOOD PORN!!!
Look! LOOK!! Here am fifthly rich couple eating Taco Bell, like we know ALL RICH PEOPLE FUCKING DO!! And here am their... What? ...burned out, goth, junky, dried up, skanky, prostitute daughter. Am they really enjoying good food at reasonable prices? NO! THEY AM TAKING CHEESY FACIAL CUM SHOTS FROM ERECT TORTILLA COCKS!! Me can NOT be only one to see this!! LOOK!!! Here are two guys. Am they thinking "Hey. We may be to superfans from opposing teams, but we can both enjoy a cheesy treat." NO!! They am thinking "Fucking good Blow Job dude! I'm glad we can still look each other in the eye." And here!!! Look! LOOK!!! Has any shot in history of TV advertising ever screamed more for title
HA HA HA, JIZZEM UP THE NOSE!

Hey fucking NAMBLA, here am you interracial poster!!! Me refuse to believe nobody else sees this. LOOK!! Just look! Now quick, what do them symbols mean. Really! NO!! They mean

DEATH COMES QUICKLY AND LOOK AT THE SIZE OF MY DICK!!!

Do they REALLY think we am so stupid?!? OK, so just in case you haven't noticed or you am some kind of inbred twit who happened to have stumbled across active computer and got here by randomly pushing buttons...
THEY GIVE YOU SHOT FROM YOU CROTCH!!! LOOK! There's you junk! There's you spooge. There's you fantasy gay bad-boy lover looking longingly into you eyes cause he knows how you feel and loves you as much as you love it! GET IT? NO? Little threatened? OK! Here am ANOTHER crotch shot. SEE!! There am you man meat!!! There am you baby batter!! There am you teenage prep school baby-sitter fantasy girl looking lovingly into you eyes despite fact that she can no relate to getting knob bobbed and she no really like doing it, she do love you and like making you feel good and tolerate mouth full of pimp juice. You see it now, RIGHT?!? Ending REALLY bothers me. Here we pull out with crane shot while our bad/gay/boy and vigin/girl/whore both end up spinning in middle of street. They lovingly look into each others eyes and spin while both holding on to they own version of you love muscle with thick strands of pearl pudding lead to they mouths... AND NOBODY GIVES SHIT!!! WHAT FUCK DO THIS MEAN??? THEY AM STOPPING TRAFFIC TO SUCK ON CHEESE FILLED BURRO DICKS AND SHOOT LOADS OF CHEDDAR SPERM INTO THEY MOUTHS AND PEOPLE JUST STAND AROUND AND WATCH!!! What kind of sick shit am that?
Hey people! Get the Taco Bell Cheesy Beefy Melt and it will be as just good as getting sucked off in some inner city public sex show.

Hey ad-men!! Next time you need commercial for this product, just show 3 minutes of young girls kissing each other while guys shove food up they buts!

Die.

An open apology to all concerned.

Me would first like to apologize to me mother. Me know me was not easy hatching and me feel as if me have never given her proper thanks for all she did for me. Me am sure that keeping nest clean and warm, turning me over every so often and keeping me shell safe from predators was not all that easy. Me especially want to apologize for constantly saying me got laid before me could breath.

Me would next like to apologize to me sister for all names me use to call her in me youthful frustration. Over years me have been given opportunity to meet many more people to whom them names apply and me find that me was mistaken in me youth and she was not nor am now biggest or worst of any of those bad names me called her.

Me really must apologize to Mrs. Hilyard and me middle school English class. As we all know it am hard going through puberty and sometimes boys can no control what they bodies do. Still, me should have tried herder with me textbook that fateful day me was asked to stand and spell "obligatory." Me also must apologize to what ever maintenance man/men/women/woman who cleaned up glass and blood and repaired broken window. Sorry bout mess guys. Me many thanks go out to Dr. Soenstien for all hims help with Mrs. Hilyard's hysterical blindness, Dr. Chillders, Ph.D., for her counseling me class mates, me family for supporting me in me tough and awkward times. Special thanks to Dr. Fox for changing what could have been worst day of me life into just horribly embarrassing circumcision.

Me did not have best of times at prom dance. Me want to apologize to everyone who encounter me there. Me am sorry me misunderstand and showing up in suit of real, dead, rotting monkeys. Me realize now me was in error and am sorry. Me thanks to me family for standing by me especially to me date for being so understanding and letting me grab her butt during all them slow dances. You were so helpful after prom with getting me out of "Monkey suit" so quickly. Although me did not realize at time what you meant by "My god, it Am true..." me still must apologize for jumping up on top of car later and screaming "ME WIN! ME WIN!" Me realize now it was not race.

Finding money for college can sometimes seem impossible. Me just have to apologize to National Association for Advancement of Colored People. Me am sorry for calling you all big bunch of predigest hypocritical bigots! As monster and not people, me guess me do not qualify for scholarship. Me am sorry. Thank yous all around to all members of National Association for Advancement of Colored Monsters for supporting me and guiding me during that time. Me could not have made it without you and constant love and support of me loving family, especially monetary kind.

Me am very sorry and extend whole hearted apology to all members or National Association for Advancement or Colored Monsters, of which me am founding member. Me am so sorry for not allowing anyone else to ever join up, ever. Me was in very bad mood at time and wanted everyone to feel as bad as me. Again, sorry bout that and thanks to all you family members who may have supported you though them tough times.

Me would personally like to apologize from bottom of me heart to United States Drug Enforcement Agency for personally increasing consumption of marijuana in America 28.9% during me college decades. Me must also add apology to North American Marijuana Distributors Association for any embarrassment me may have caused them by constantly depleting they stock. Me am truly sorry. Me am not sure what me was thinking at time, me not really remember to much. Me thanks to me dormmates, roommates, commune members, Night Soil Coolies, Shaffers, Miller, Old Style, Milwaukee's Best, Southern Comfort, Peppermint Schnapps and some other people for helping me through them tough years, but not me family as me was keeping them totally in dark bout this back then.

Me would like to apologize to me entire Biochemistry class. When professor say she not give out good grades unless we "bone up on our basics" me did immature thing and stood up, grabbed me crotch and asked if me could get good grade if me let her "bone up on this right here." Me am sorry. It was childish, stupid and me had no idea at time she would take me up on it. Me now know me just should have paid for exam answers like rest of you. Me would be remiss not to thank all me study buddies whiteout whose strength and notes me could not have made it through and me family for stand by me and some dope whores me forgot to thank in last paragraph.

To all girls in Theta Beta Pi except "Underbite Betty," me am sorry for making you break you "purity pledge" with me "if doesn't count if you only do this way" argument. Turns out it DID count. Me apologize to you, you brother fraternity Chi Delta Iota for insuring they never go any except from Betty and to Betty for missing her pinning as Most Popular Girl at frat. Me very special thanks and appreciation goes out to me high school sweetheart for not finding out about any of this and continuing to give me all her love and support and strength and understanding until we both matured and she became me ex-wife.

Me have never had much luck at work. To Fred's Fireworks, Gunpowder and Matchbook Factory, me am sorry for all flood damage. To Bob's Water Tank, Aquarium and Extinguisher Warehouse, me am oh so sorry bout all fire damage. And to Plain Brown Wrapper Adult Video, Appliance and Book Store, me apologize for being thirty-seven seconds late that one day. Me know Monica say it OK, but it forever hang in me head as weight of sorrow and me forever seek way to make amends. Me would like to thank me family, fire department, numerous brands or tissue and fire department for they constant support and speedy arrival when needed.

Image most beautiful woman you have ever seen. So beautiful and sexy that you just can't help but want her more than you have ever wanted any other sexual partner. Now imagine she am in front of you and wants you too. Now imagine she am make of wood. Not like carved out of wood, but sort of made in lines of grain of wood with knotholes in all right places. Me would like to apologize to phone company for having sex with one of their telephone poles. Description above am in NO WAY excuse, but rather explanation. And to staff and students of Ms. Shmits Daycare and Preschool who just happen to be located next to sexy, wanton, dirty little pole, me am sorry for any inconvenience me may have caused with "picnic milktime." Me would like to tank me legs for getting me out of there so fast after me was finished and screaming and crying started. But no one els cause really nobody else did squat.

And lastly for now me would like to apologize to me readers for not posting as often as me should. Me seem to have become something of hit and miss poster nowadays and many of you am upset by this. Me am very sorry but me can get very busy doing other things and it am sometimes hard to get back. Again, me am sorry. Me would like to thank me readers for their strength and being so understanding in these rough times. Me would name you all, but by now me think you know who you am.

comment on comment

In recent comment to one of me posts....

SafeTinspector said...

prop comedy is almost as bad as ventriloquism and both are worse than mime.
Now you know where my comedy hate wheel lines up.

Bad - mime
Worse - prop comedy
Shit - ventriloquism

So by you logic Safe-t...

Mimes that mime prop comics doing ventriloquism...
am not NEARLY as bad as them...
Ventriloquists who's dummies am prop comic mimes?

Personally, me think worse am them prop comics who's props am nothing by ventriloquists who's dummies am mimes!

But hey, that me.
To tell truth, not all mimes am all that bad. Me LOVE Blue Man Group. Not all ventriloquists am that bad. Me like the foul-mouthed self deprecating ones or just plain bizarre ones... like... "pepper on a steeeeeck." And prop-comics, well... pretty much all of them am.... how you say... fucking stupid. One exception, The Amazing Jonathan! He am comic magic. Do magic count as props? Me think it do.

Monstee's mini-sagas

Well kids, me got more of them little mini-sagas invented by Brian Aldiss that me learn about over at Footeaters. Now that Footeater am done with hims contest about them fun little mini-sagas, me can post ones me submitted.
Rather then keep directing you all back to old posts me did these things in before like here, here and here, me can now direct you all to me new collection in Back of Cave! In future, when me do more of these me will also post them there to keep collection up to date. As usual, if you like feel free to try them on you own in me comments. But please let me know if you do some other places cause me would really like to see them. These am really dark so brace youself and enjoy.

God's Wrath

"Armageddon!" he gurgled, on his knees vomiting blood.
Green bile streamed from his ears.
Ten feet away a young woman exploded sending bits of flesh, bone and gore flying.
A small boy doubled over and projected gallons of fecal matter everywhere.
I couldn't believe this. These were my new shoes!

Stray Cat

Mother watched daughter lovingly though the kitchen window.
The girl shuffled along and waited, allowing the tabby to get closer.
When the cat paused for too long, the girl offered an invisible treat.
They entered the kitchen together and gazed into mother's eyes longingly.
'Mommy,' she said. 'I gots dinner.'

Father Christmas

He rested his bag between tree and chimney, took a cookie, and quietly walked to the boy's room.
Finishing the treat, he smiled at the sleeping child.
This was a good boy.
He would say nothing.
The reindeer and deliveries could wait.
He dropped his pants and climbed into bed.


OH! Just in case you no go over to see contest at Footeaters...
Here am what he have to say bout that last one when he posted it.

Father Christmas: fucking disgusting Monstee penned this revolting and highly morally dubious squirt of literary excrescence, and caused me to mix my metaphors into the bargain. I felt sick posting this, and have to have a lye bath every time I read it. I'm tempted to email this story to Brian Aldiss and ask if he realises what he started. - Footeater

Me am so proud.

The 39rd of Monstemper!

Ladies & Gentlemen...




Blueberry Top!

The 36th of Monstemper!

or... Two Things.
Stupid sauce and me am begging to get me ass kicked

OK, so me missed few days... grow up and get over it. Ya know, you really should try to live life on you own without living vicariously through Monstee. But still... how can you? Me know, me know... calm down... it all right. Let we just get on with it.

If you no know how Monstee feel about advertising by now, then you am either new to cave or stupid piece of shit that can no remember to wipe you butt after letting you turds fall while you walk! Sorry, sorry.. me no mean to take it out on you. It just that them ad campaigns really REALLY get under me fur and sometimes me can no take it.

Like this one for A1 steak sauce. You seen it? One where guy am out tailgating with buddies and he ask them how they like they steaks and drips little bit of A1 on grill. Him and buddies look at little drip and him buddies say "No. No, dude. Let it go..." Then we see Mr. Grilling dipshit leaning in and next thing you know he am sitting on back of ambulance with bandage on him tongue asking "Ith my thteak Ok?" Me kinda wish me was there so me could say something like NO YOU DUMBSHIT! ME WIPED ME ASS ON IT AND LEFT IT IN PUDDLE OF PISS IN THE URINAL! YOU NO DESERVE GOOD PIECE OF MEAT!! YOU LICKED A HOT GRILL YOU WAS COOKING MEAT ON!!! IT WAS INCHES FROM RED HOT COALS!!!! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!?!?! But NOOOooooo... they just come back with product slogan. "Yeah, it's that good." How good? Good enough to make you act like a fucking retard?!?! No, no, no... most retarded people are STILL smart enough NOT to lick something that close to fucking FIRE!!! What stupid ad am this? 'Hey, eat our sauce cause it's so good you jab forks in you eyes just to get seconds!' FUCKIN' A!!! SIGN ME UP CAUSE ME WANT BUCKET OF THAT SHIT! 'No, wait guys! Get some of out NEW sauce and with one taste you want to rape and murder everyone around you regardless or gender!!!' WOOOHOOO!!! Give me KEG of that!!! 'Buy now and get bottle of our extra special limited offer super sauce! Just sniffing it makes you shit, piss, vomit, scream, pull out your hair, have seizure and die all at once!!!' FUCK ME SIDEWAYS WITH TWO BY FOUR!!! GET A GOD DAMED TANKER TRUCK!!!! Fuck you ad men! 'Yeah, it's that good.' Good enough to make us act like assholes? Go to hell.


On flip side, me guess not all ads am that bad. Me not sure how long this thing been going on but it seem that Always am advertising to women to 'Have a Happy Period.' And aint it bout time for something like that! Me god, this am the twenty-first century. You gals deserve something like that. Me glad you finally got it. ...not that me am all that sure what Always am... ...or what it sell... ...or that me WANT to know! REALLY! Ladies, that ok. You no need to explain. PLEASE feel free to keep all you womanly stuff to you woman's. Just let it be known that we am all happy you am now capable of having HAPPY period. Maybe now you get off our backs once and while. Me mean it not like we can really KNOW what you going through. It am just that we don't WANT to know what you am going through. We am out of loop and happy to be there. So, now that you can be happy too, we all happy. YEA! Good for all of us, and good for you being happy for change. 'After all, this is the time of the month that's all about you.' Well it'm you girl and you should know it, with each glance and every little movement you show it. Love am all around no need to waste it. You can have the town why don't you take it. You're gonna make it after all

The Turdith of Monstemper!

It have come to me attention that new posts are only showing up after me post another new posting and then new new posting no show up. Me have reposted index and whole blog so me think this problem am fixed.

Now please feel free to go see big better posting me did yesterday. It am much thicker, funnier, have more bad words and all the nipples you could hope for! Just like me college girlfriend!

Enjoy.