An open apology to all concerned.

Me would first like to apologize to me mother. Me know me was not easy hatching and me feel as if me have never given her proper thanks for all she did for me. Me am sure that keeping nest clean and warm, turning me over every so often and keeping me shell safe from predators was not all that easy. Me especially want to apologize for constantly saying me got laid before me could breath.

Me would next like to apologize to me sister for all names me use to call her in me youthful frustration. Over years me have been given opportunity to meet many more people to whom them names apply and me find that me was mistaken in me youth and she was not nor am now biggest or worst of any of those bad names me called her.

Me really must apologize to Mrs. Hilyard and me middle school English class. As we all know it am hard going through puberty and sometimes boys can no control what they bodies do. Still, me should have tried herder with me textbook that fateful day me was asked to stand and spell "obligatory." Me also must apologize to what ever maintenance man/men/women/woman who cleaned up glass and blood and repaired broken window. Sorry bout mess guys. Me many thanks go out to Dr. Soenstien for all hims help with Mrs. Hilyard's hysterical blindness, Dr. Chillders, Ph.D., for her counseling me class mates, me family for supporting me in me tough and awkward times. Special thanks to Dr. Fox for changing what could have been worst day of me life into just horribly embarrassing circumcision.

Me did not have best of times at prom dance. Me want to apologize to everyone who encounter me there. Me am sorry me misunderstand and showing up in suit of real, dead, rotting monkeys. Me realize now me was in error and am sorry. Me thanks to me family for standing by me especially to me date for being so understanding and letting me grab her butt during all them slow dances. You were so helpful after prom with getting me out of "Monkey suit" so quickly. Although me did not realize at time what you meant by "My god, it Am true..." me still must apologize for jumping up on top of car later and screaming "ME WIN! ME WIN!" Me realize now it was not race.

Finding money for college can sometimes seem impossible. Me just have to apologize to National Association for Advancement of Colored People. Me am sorry for calling you all big bunch of predigest hypocritical bigots! As monster and not people, me guess me do not qualify for scholarship. Me am sorry. Thank yous all around to all members of National Association for Advancement of Colored Monsters for supporting me and guiding me during that time. Me could not have made it without you and constant love and support of me loving family, especially monetary kind.

Me am very sorry and extend whole hearted apology to all members or National Association for Advancement or Colored Monsters, of which me am founding member. Me am so sorry for not allowing anyone else to ever join up, ever. Me was in very bad mood at time and wanted everyone to feel as bad as me. Again, sorry bout that and thanks to all you family members who may have supported you though them tough times.

Me would personally like to apologize from bottom of me heart to United States Drug Enforcement Agency for personally increasing consumption of marijuana in America 28.9% during me college decades. Me must also add apology to North American Marijuana Distributors Association for any embarrassment me may have caused them by constantly depleting they stock. Me am truly sorry. Me am not sure what me was thinking at time, me not really remember to much. Me thanks to me dormmates, roommates, commune members, Night Soil Coolies, Shaffers, Miller, Old Style, Milwaukee's Best, Southern Comfort, Peppermint Schnapps and some other people for helping me through them tough years, but not me family as me was keeping them totally in dark bout this back then.

Me would like to apologize to me entire Biochemistry class. When professor say she not give out good grades unless we "bone up on our basics" me did immature thing and stood up, grabbed me crotch and asked if me could get good grade if me let her "bone up on this right here." Me am sorry. It was childish, stupid and me had no idea at time she would take me up on it. Me now know me just should have paid for exam answers like rest of you. Me would be remiss not to thank all me study buddies whiteout whose strength and notes me could not have made it through and me family for stand by me and some dope whores me forgot to thank in last paragraph.

To all girls in Theta Beta Pi except "Underbite Betty," me am sorry for making you break you "purity pledge" with me "if doesn't count if you only do this way" argument. Turns out it DID count. Me apologize to you, you brother fraternity Chi Delta Iota for insuring they never go any except from Betty and to Betty for missing her pinning as Most Popular Girl at frat. Me very special thanks and appreciation goes out to me high school sweetheart for not finding out about any of this and continuing to give me all her love and support and strength and understanding until we both matured and she became me ex-wife.

Me have never had much luck at work. To Fred's Fireworks, Gunpowder and Matchbook Factory, me am sorry for all flood damage. To Bob's Water Tank, Aquarium and Extinguisher Warehouse, me am oh so sorry bout all fire damage. And to Plain Brown Wrapper Adult Video, Appliance and Book Store, me apologize for being thirty-seven seconds late that one day. Me know Monica say it OK, but it forever hang in me head as weight of sorrow and me forever seek way to make amends. Me would like to thank me family, fire department, numerous brands or tissue and fire department for they constant support and speedy arrival when needed.

Image most beautiful woman you have ever seen. So beautiful and sexy that you just can't help but want her more than you have ever wanted any other sexual partner. Now imagine she am in front of you and wants you too. Now imagine she am make of wood. Not like carved out of wood, but sort of made in lines of grain of wood with knotholes in all right places. Me would like to apologize to phone company for having sex with one of their telephone poles. Description above am in NO WAY excuse, but rather explanation. And to staff and students of Ms. Shmits Daycare and Preschool who just happen to be located next to sexy, wanton, dirty little pole, me am sorry for any inconvenience me may have caused with "picnic milktime." Me would like to tank me legs for getting me out of there so fast after me was finished and screaming and crying started. But no one els cause really nobody else did squat.

And lastly for now me would like to apologize to me readers for not posting as often as me should. Me seem to have become something of hit and miss poster nowadays and many of you am upset by this. Me am very sorry but me can get very busy doing other things and it am sometimes hard to get back. Again, me am sorry. Me would like to thank me readers for their strength and being so understanding in these rough times. Me would name you all, but by now me think you know who you am.