Monstee's tips to stop smoking

Yeah, yeah, me know, me know... There am lots of "You quit smoking now with what we say you do!" type stuff out there, but me am just going to give you few tips that have worked for me recently.

"What am that?" You say. "Am you saying that Monstee have stopped smoking?!?!?"

yup. That am what me am saying. Me have no idea what they am going to do with all them fields of tobacco that they now going to find laying round. Someone somewhere am going to notice that they am not making NEARLY as much money as they was.

"Surely you no smoke THAT much, Monstee?" Well first off, me no smoke Monstee, me smoke cigarettes.... and you no call me Shirley! Me am Monstee. When me did smoke way back when me was smoking two weeks ago, me was smoking lots! Me was going through about two lighters a day! Now, nada.

"How you do it?" Why am you asking? Who am you and why you want to know? Am you trying to steal Monstee's no smoking ideas and sell them on internet or late night infomercial that come on in between Girls Gone Wild and... and... some other late night infomercial that not come to mind because now me can not get idea of Girls Gone Wild infomercial out of mind.

NO! You no distract Monstee with constant reminder of young and nubile co-eds that have never and will never have noting to do with likes of Monstee. They am not real! Me refuse to believe they am real! Me am old enough to know that if you get young college age type girls drunk enough they no flash you they boobs! They just throw up in you bedroom and make you drive them home while they throw up in you car on way! NO! Me am Monstee! You can NO FOOL ME!!

"Gee Monstee, clam down. You seem kinda tense." YOU GET OUT OF CAVE!! You get out of cave and no come back till you treat Monstee better!! This am me cave! You get out and find nice garbage truck you crawl into and die! Me no have to take this!!! Me am Monstee!

:::storming off to get some sort of snack:::

Monstee's Tips for Feeling Better

Me am feeling better!!! Am me well... well, no. If you visit cave often then you know that me am never been well... but me think me am almost over walking pneumonia. With this said... me will pass on few things me pick up recently that you can do to make you feel better next time you am all sick and not well.

1. Walking pneumonia am much easier to get over if you stop walking and lay down for long time.


2. If you cough up large chunk of something, do not keep it. Even if it small animal or part of you lung or something it am so covered with germs that you no want it running around you cave giving you back what it am you am trying to get over in first place.


3. Tell you family you am sick. This get you good stuff and they do things for you. Me Momstee come down with bronchitis just 3 days before me get pneumonia. Me thinking that she cough up germ that then go around block time or two and then find me. Now me an exposed to germs that have been around the block time or two and they give me pneumonia! Thanks mom! Well, at lease when me was sick she not ask me to do stuff for her because she was sick too. Last thing you want to do when you am sick am take care of sick person.


4. If you having lung sickness, don't smoke.


5. If you having stomach sickness, don't eat spicy foods.


6. If you having fever type delusions, don't get up in middle of night and help Mr. Potato head find scary time bomb that have been hidden in him suitcases. If you do, it only zap you strength and cause family members to ask "Why am all you closed thrown around room?"


7. NEVER take codeine based cough syrup when you am less than ten feet from something comfy to sleep on. You take that stuff and sleeping on pile of old mail and TV guides sounds like good idea cause you just no want to move right now.


8. Even if you am feeling better, keep taking medicine doctor give you until it am all gone. Me just run out of all medicine except for codeine based cough syrup and although me cough am MUCH, much better now days me am still taking it... Hang on, me am due.
   
   :::slurp::: EWEeeeeew...
   
   Dang! That stuff am nasty. But it do the trick. Me was having.... problems.... sleeping..... :::yawn::: before me....
   started taking...
   
   stuff....
   
   
   
   now... it's...
   
   
   
   
   
   like...
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   best.....
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   friend....
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   

zzZZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz

Me am still here....

Me am still here....
Me am still alive....
Me am still sick....

Me go see doctor and he say me have walking pneumonia. Me no understand this as me HATE walking and tend to no do this as much as possible. Why they call it walking pneumonia? When me walk from bed to bathroom me feel like me going to pass out.
But him give Monstee lots of pills and tell me take it easy and stay in bed and come back in few days to spend more money on things...

Me hope to be back to funny type blogging things in near future...

::cough::cough::
Ugh. You best stop reading now and just come back when me feeling better. Me am just going to keep complaining about being sick and you no want to hear about that...
So bye bye,
Me see you later...



Green snot... See!!! Me told you not to hang around! You had you chance to leave before this get all gross and disgusting like. Gray foamy lung buggers... Shut UP!! Me no want to hear it from you! You have every chance to leave and for that matter you can leave right now, but nooooOOOOOoooo you just keep hanging round when me tell you me have nothing to say and when all me do is complain about gross things me am dealing with like waking up in middle of night and not knowing if puddle on pillow am from nose of mouth or eyes, but that hair am stuck to it, you go and act like that!!! There you go again!!! Hey, me am the one who is sick! Me knows how Eywwww and Yuck it am!!! Me am living it and me don't need to hear it from you!!!

That's it! Now you give me diarrhea!

Monstea?

Me good friend Kate post a picture of her new Tea Shelf. Now Kate like tea. She REALLY like tea! She like tea so much that me think me start calling her Katetea!

Me have nothing against tea. Tea am good. Tea am almost good as coffee, and you know me like me coffee! When you live in cave like me do, you learn like worm drinks that comfort you when it damp and chilly. Me like to mix me tea. Me mix up batch of Green, Black and Earl Gray together. It look like camouflage! Me mix in other tea one time, but was oohot and took oolong to ooldown. Me point? Me am Monstee! Me like tea... but not as much as Katetea like tea.

When she post about her tea she ask:
So ... is it overkill? Am I obsessed? Just wondering...
Me no think it am overkill. If she use tea as furniture... THAT am overkill. Me know think she am obsessed. She talk about lots more stuff than tea... but never crumpets... hmmmm... why no crumpets with tea?

mmMMmcrumpets

NO! Amount of tea am not problem. KIND of tea am problem! Me show you. Look here at bottom of tea shelf. You see box of tea? It look like harmless box of tea sitting on floor with other kinds of tea, do it not? Well it am NOT! Me spot this tea first time me see picture and it make me wonder just what all kind of tea it am that Katetea am drinking. Katetea say she like all kinds of tea. Well now we know that am all too true! This am MONSTER tea!! [YOU GASP HERE] Yes, you hear me, MONSTER tea! Me have been seeing this tea in caves for many years of me long life. You take look at close up of box and you see what me mean.

SHE WHAT ME MEAN?!?!
Oh Katetea, we know you love you tea. We know you no live without you tea. But you should no be drinking monster tea. Me know, me know... it am best tea going with roadkill... but that no excuse! Me see plenty other strange and bizarre tea on shelf for you. You drink goat tea, way tea, golf tea, natalieblairntoo tea, avast ye may tea, hoit tea, toit tea, na tea, pout tea, snoo tea, froo tea, warrenbay tea, que tea, patoo tea, shakeyaboo tea, doo tea, yeah tea and fasola tea... but please, PLEASE you no drink the mons tea.

Oh yeah?

Two things have come to Monstee's attention:

1. There am lurkers hanging round cave.
You know who you am! You people who just hang round and no say nothing. Oh sure, you like coming to cave, you like seeing what Monstee up to this time, but you NO comment... You NO send email saying how much you no understand what am going on... You just hang round in cave soaking up funness and joy and no bother to give back so Monstee get new ideas on how to reticule you and make fun... er, me mean inform and entertain you! Yeah, that am ticket!

NO!

You time am limited. Just by you looking round and no commenting you give Monstee IDEA supreme! Me am now going to begin work on new lurker detector/tracker. HA HA! Soon we all see who you really am! HA HA!

2. Some people out there no think Monstee am cute and yummy. They think me am some sort of poopyheaded!

NO!

Me am no poopyheaded! Me am Monstee! Me have always been cute and lovable! You want proof? Here am some baby pictures straight from Momstee!
Am that not most cute and adorable thing you am seeing for long time? This am picture of Monstee just after me hatch. It was big job cracking way into big bad world. Me was tired!But not so tired that me no hear clickity click click of Momstee's camera. Me not know what it am at first... but me soon find out.
mmMMMmmmcamera

Me am going to see Momstee soon on Momstee's day. If you have any questions for Momstee, me will be glad to ask her and post her replies in upcoming post. Until then... BASK IN GLOW OF WARM AND FUZZY PICTURES OF YOUNG MONSTEE!!! BASK AND KNOW AWWWwwwwww!

Public Service Announcement

Cute and fuzzy am not always good! Evil come in many forms and sometimes it fool you the most when it come in form of thing you think can no be evil in not no way, not no how! You think about this. Say you am evil. What you want to do? You want to go out and get job that challenge you and keep you happy, make little bit of money so you put it away and feel safe when you find other evil half and settle down and start making little evilings? NO! Evil am only happy when it am making other people feeling what they no want to feel! You think evil want to hang out in old haunted house, waiting for midnight so it jump out and scare teenagers who sneak in there makeout? That not evil, that stupid. If ghosts and ghouls who haunt them houses am smart, they keep quiet and then they at least get to watch teenagers makeout, because lord know them aint gettin any! No, evil want to get in you house. Evil want you to love it and hold it and hug it and squeeze it and you can name it George! Then, when you am feeling all snug and toasty it grow it's teeth and spin it's head and spit blood at you and try to eat you sole! That what me said, sole! This type of evil have thing for feet. Have you seen one these? Oh, it look cute, it look fuzzy, it look nice to hold and hug and squeeze, but it am possessed by EVIL! Look at it. LOOK AT IT! It am just waiting for right time to eat you feet. But now you know. Bad part is, now it know you know. Now it no longer need to hide because you am no longer going to let it in you house. Bad part am, it am already in you house. YES IT AM! This cute and fuzzy thing am sooooo evil that even picture of it am evil and if you am reading this then evil am already there! You no believe me? Poke it! You hear me. POKE IT WITH YOU MOUSE! You see what me mean. BUT... Whatever you do.... Never... NEVER... Click on evil thing like that. Why? Well... It am very ticklish and just plain creepy to hear laugh.

This Public Service Announcement brought to you by Monstee Inc.
Proud distributors of Monsteespeak Translator 1.0 and
Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn (p.p.)