Monster Profiling

Me got pulled over tonight. Am me mad? Not really. If me understand why me get pulled over and me think it am understandable... then it am ok with me. What me HATE am when me hit one of those road blocks and not know what it for. But still it am the police and you gotta act all nice and polite to them... it like...
"Oh, thank you for randomly hassling me this evening officer!"

But this time it was different. Me notice they was stopping everyone with blue hair or that am a monster American. That mean monster profiling... but me understand profiling and me not have a problem with it if there am a problem with some monster thingy out there. You may or not may know the me have been trying to warn people about THEM for long time now. Some of you understand what me trying to do... others just poo poo me!

mmMMMMmmmmpoo poo platter....

NO! You no take away or make little of what Monstee have to say! Me try to tell you! Me try to warn you! Do you listen? Do you HEAR?!?! ME NOT KNOW!!!!

...but me did clip this out of newspaper and scan it for you guys to see.
click to enlarge


Me hate to say me told you so... but...
Nyna nyna, nyna nyna!

Virus WARNING!!! (and me speaking from experience)

If you receive email entitled
"Bedtimes"
delete it IMMEDIATELY.

Do not open it!!

Let me tell you, this virus am pretty nasty. It not only erase everything on you hard drive, but it also delete anything on you external disks within 20 feet of you computer! It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of you credit cards. It reprograms you ATM access code, screws up tracking on you VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program you cell phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.

This virus will mix antifreeze into you fish tank!

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL you beer.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace you shampoo with Nair and you Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave toilet seat up and leave you hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to full bathtub. It will not only remove forbidden tags from you mattresses and pillows, it will also refill you skim milk with whole milk.

***WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that you right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite person or furnature nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone!!!

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX, and just look at you, how pitiful - you're on the computer!!!!

Peace starts with a smile!

Why me need help

Ok. When me ask you what you think, me was expecting few of you come back with witty comments bout who me try and put in me first fake photo that use to be perfectly good picture of Monstee meeting what's her name at what's her name's birthday party but am now going to be Monstee meeting someone else at what's her name's birthday party!


Me was willing do all the work. Me was willing take all responsibility for having fake picture on web site. Me was not going to claim it being real... But me did need help thinking what to do. Why? Because me have problem coming up with good idea and not second guessing meself.

Like, me first idea am Adrienne Barbeau! But then me get to thinking that she am already friend and how am it that me meet person that me already know at what's her faces birthday party? Me worry about this for days hoping SOMEBODY give Monstee new idea.. but then on "Talk like pirate day" me think of using pirate. But that only good for one day. So then me think of..




Jessica Alba!


But then me realize that me was just thinking of her because she am one of most common names googled right now. Plus, like SHE really going to show up at who'zits thingy-dingy. She am TOTALLY to popular for that. Me not need use her name just to get people come see Monstee's cave. Me have porn for that! And thinking of porn... me then start thinking of rock star...




Courtney Hole!


See what me mean?!?! It take me 4 tries till me get around to something that am showing boobies! ...er, boob. ...eh, that am boob aint it? Anyway, so then me think that this am not so wholesome and me need to go more family oriented when me claim to meet people at Doowankas's Watchamajigger. Now you tell me, who am more wholesome and family oriented than....




That Actress That Play Marge Simpson!


But then me remember that we use go out in college and me no want to open THAT old can of worms. It not end all that well and we not really friends today... even though she never get where she am today if not for her really, REALLY liking color of Monstee's hair and having custom dye made in just that hue and then... no, no.. me not go there. Anyway, at this time me panic and just start grabbing at anyone that me might have met at whiny's crabfest. And me mean ANYONE!! Like...




A Smoking Monkey!


A 57 Chevy!


An Extra, Extra Supersized Order of Fries!


So now me still no know what to do!
Oh, me am going get something to eat.

Pirate day, Shmirate day

Me no care if it am Talk like Pirate day or not...

But since me have got no ideas from you scurvy dogs about what to fake photo paste thingy into messed up what's-her-face birthday picture... me come up with new and great idea.



Huh? HUH?
Looks nice huh?
Now, give us you booty!

An open letter to everyone except... you know who.

Well, it you not already notice, me last post before this was really nice letter to... someone... about how me was sorry if me offend her with me comments in her site called... something. Me not want to go into great detail, but... me get really nice email from... this person... saying how she not mad at all and she not going to stop posting and she closed comments cause she getting like 200 comment spams every day... and also cause she think it getting lame.

It were all nice and friendly and stuff, but at end she did ask Monstee take down picture of her. Now me am nothing if not understanding type monster. So me take down picture. But then me think, what about other people in picture. Me am not being very nice to them by not allowing them be posted in Monstee's cave! So to make everybody happy, me use me totally awesome set of tools and bring out color of person in picture. Me not know if it am her favorite color... or most hated color... of color of her undergarments... but it color on her mind at time.

Now me think picture need something. It need something in big empty area, but me not know what to put there. That where you all come in. What you think about this? What you think me put in place. Me was thinking me should try to do fake, photo dubing type thingy and put person in there... but me not very good at stuff like that and not know who to put in. What do you think? Best me could come up with am picture of me very good friend...

Adrienne Barbeau!

An open letter to Sarah B.

Dear Sarah,

(for you of them that no know, Sarah am host of really cool website called Que Sera Sera)

How am you? Me am fine. Did you ever sober up from you birthday party? Ha ha. Me bet you not even remember getting picture taken with Monstee! That ok. Me only remember because me was there. (for you of them that no see picture in front of face, you can see picture here) Me am writing you today to ask why you turn you comments off on you latest post. (see comments to Sarah's latest posting here) (see Sarah's latest post here) Did we offend? Did you no like installments of story about bear that eat scouts and scoutmaster? (ok, for those of you who no know or no want to read or no care, it have been some time since Sarah post anything because she have been really busy with "real life". That am ok and good and fine and everything, but it do make evil commenters comment on fact in Sarah's comments. This also make good nice not mean commenters comment on how evil commenters am being evil and need to give Sarah break about not posting. Then, other good nice funny commenters comment that in meantime we can just entertain ourselves while we patently wait for Sarah to get done and post again. We do this by starting little story about bear that eat bunch of scouts and scoutmaster. You can read story in Sarah's comments above, below Sep. 8th or 9th.) You am last comment in there and you am asking "What the hell?" (to see last comment, it am all the way at bottom of above comments) Then there am no way for anyone to post comments to answer you question! How you expect anyone to answer you questions if you go and turn off comments? Me would have been happy to answer you question if you no go and turn off comments!! Now me got to go and answer you question in me blog and hope that you see it here. (You can see me posting all this here) Me am just afraid that deep down inside nobody as big and famous in blogging community as you EVER come and visit Monsee in Monstee's cave... unless you one of those lurkers!!! (for those of you with head stuck in holes in ground, lurker am person who frequent blog sites and read and enjoy but never, NEVER comment of give back in any, ANY way!!! Me should know, me have quite a few!) Am you one of them lurkers? Me have quite a few. Me think if am from all the porn or the celebrities that hang around like Adrienne Barbeau or fact that me am about to kill big voice that keep interrupting me. (for those of you interested in Monstee's discount cave of porn, click hereeeeyyaaaghhh.... Good! Me hate that guy.

Sarah, me just want to say that by turning off you comments me take that as message that you no want installments of bear saga to go on. That am fine, but me really really hope we no offend you with our little attempt of self amusement. If we did, me am sorry.

You friend,
Monstee
:]

Monstee Music (Part 2 - minus the bear)

Me newest CD am already about two years old. Not that me have had it that long, me just get it! But it have been out while and me not lay paws on it till me good friend send it to me in mail. She know Monstee am big, BIG Ramones fan and also know that Monstee like other bands too. So it am not hard to think that Monstee would like Ramones songs done by other bands on this tribute album called


"We're A Happy Family"
When me first get CD me open it up and read liner notes on little book that am included with CD. It am VERY long and about how all tribute albums suck, except this one. For some reason me not stop reading till the end and after what seem like 3 or 4 chapters we find out it am Steven King. That pretty cool considering me know him am really big Ramones fan...as well as being Heavy Metal fan and fan of Disco (go figure).

So me listen to CD for like 4 or 5 times before me can get jaw off floor and eyes back in skull. It am good. It am REALLY REALLY GOOD!

OK, like you got bands doing songs that am pretty close to what you know by the Ramones, but in maybe a little more slick and produced with noticeable different singer... but they still keep the heart and soul of song in tack and it am clear they am fans. Here me am referring to bands like Eddie Vedder, Pete Yorn and Rooney. They do REALLY good job but it am just kinda strange hearing.

Then there am the bands that do great covers, but add something. It still the same song, but clearly have new and different sound to it. Coodoes to whoever picked who do what song because it am very good choice and kinda makes sense. Me NEVER would have thought Metallica would do such good job on "53rd & 3rd". Garbage "I Just Wanna Have Something To Do" and KISS "Do You Remember Rock 'n' Roll Radio" am nearly perfect examples of great covers taken one step toward the bands own sound.... OH, and Greenday was made to cover "Outsider". Good for The Offspring for getting the ever popular "I Wanna Be Sedated". They were almost perfect except they took the road of MOST bands that cover that song and GOT THE FUCKING LYRICS WRONG!!!! IT'S TWENTY TWENTY TWENTY-FORE HOURS TO GO! NOT TWENTY TWENTY TWENTY-FORE HOURS AGO!!! AAARRRRRGGGHHH!!!!

:::pant pant:::::


Oh, then there am the songs that am just WILD to here the bands version. It am still good, but almost completely different song. Red Hot Chili Peppers doing "Havana Affair" am one thing, but leave it to Rancid to take the ultimate punk song "Sheena Is A Punk Rocker" and make it MORE punk! The Pretenders have the longest song on the CD with "Something To Believe In". This am one of me favorites, but it am so strange hearing it so slow. Me think the biggest deviation from the norm and bands like Rob Zombie doing "Blitzkrieg Bop" and Marilyn Manson doing "The KKK Took My Baby Away". They am the same old songs we know and love, but here they sound like Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson song. Also, could there be better song pick for Marilyn? Maybe "Psycho Therapy"... hmmm. Anyway, along same lines me found Tom Waits "Return Of Jackie And Judy" good, but almost unrecognizable, and hearing U2 do "Beat On The Brat" kinda makes me laugh. Me just can no stop smiling when me hear angelic, melodic, save the world, Mr. Bono going on about beating on brats with baseballs bats!!!
It am SO great!!
So if you no can tell by now me really love this CD. Also, you may be telling that me not usually write music reviews. That am true so me will stop now.

Ok, me give you two more really fast ones.

1. Me am beginning to like Korn.
2. MTV do not necessarily suck big green donkeys, but it do have little that interest me at this time. Maybe me just need to listen more and give it time.


Thanks Kate!
;]

Monstee Music (Part 1)

Top 25 most played songs on me itunes
(Please note that me play shuffle almost ALL the time so these am the computers favorites, note necessarily mine)

1. "Hey Ya!," Outkast
2. "United States of Whatever," Liam Lynch
3. "Rise Above," Black Flag
4. "A String of Pearls," The New Duncan Imperials
5. "Grade 9," Barenaked Ladies
6. "Wish You Were There," The New Duncan Imperials
7. "Oh My God We're Fucking - Haze Mix," The New Duncan Imperials
8. "Crude," Nightsoil Coolies
9. "Ça Plåne Pour Moi," Plastic Bertrand
10. "Regatta De Blanc," The Police
11. "Suzy Is A Headbanger," The Ramones
12. "Livin la vita loca," Ricky Martin
13. "Fingertips #29," They Might Be Giants
14. "Diamonds and Guns," Transplants
15. "I Think I'm Down," The Goldstars
16. "Big Whoop," The New Duncan Imperials
17. "Better Luck Next Time," Oingo Boingo
18. "mahnamahna," Jim Henson
19. "Makin out with my Dad," The New Duncan Imperials
20. "I Like Carp," The New Duncan Imperials
21. "Addiction," Nightsoil Coolies
22. "Black Coffee In Bed," Squeeze
23. "Ballroom Blitz," Sweet
24. "Man, it's so loud in here," They Might Be Giants
25. "Next Big Joyride," Fabulous Disaster

(P.S. YES this am in responce to Kates post!!! Part 2 be in responce to something Kate did as well. Ya know some of you OTHER people can feel free do somthing to inspire me. Really! Me am looking! Me am Monstee!)

Monstee toots his own

horn that is...

While me am still trying to fix annoying little problem that occur some time ago, me now want to comment on what Kate have been talking bout in her blog.

As me am first to say, me have been many places and done many things, only one of which am song writing. Now me not want to beat me drum too hard so me not go into long story about years on road with heavy metal bands like Anthrax, Mötley Crüe or Rat. And me no want to try to explain why if me was so inspired by life and times with Lou Reed when we hanging out with Velvet Underground back in 70's that it take me so long to put me paw into art of music. It am enough to say that me write me first song in 1988 when me was living in punk/hippy type commune in college town in middle of Midwest heartland biblebelt country.

Back then me was far from godlike cool, genius, dapper man about town that me am today. No, back then me was just you typical blue suburban punk trying to make it with highschool sweetheart (or any other buxom beauty that keep hanging round the commune). Also living in commune were two guys who had never met before two years earlier and when fate struck, found them both in same Turkish laundry. There by sheer synchronisity, they realize that although they have different parents, they am in fact long lost fraternal twins born 14 months apart.

One was Tony, a drummer of godlike potential and infinite improvement. The other was Molar T. Quartel (pronounced "Roger"), a base player who literaly have more unbelievable god given talent in him stubby fingers than he do in the rest of him body. Together with "Gone" Brian, a next door neighbor who's guitar ability was so strong, he was capable of breaking multiple guitar stings in single cord (usually during first song of first set). Together, they form worlds greatest rock/folk/punk/funk/alternative/garage band ever called The Nightsoil Coolies!

Truth be told, me not write song all by meself. Me just write words and Roger write music. One day me and him take break from discussing multi-hyper-dimention vector relationships and how they relate to true nature of reality when cupled with infanate monkey therom, and deside to head to gas station for smokes and chew. Along way we start talking about poetry and how we wish world get off our backs about tabaco. Two topics that am hard to mix, right? NO. We do very well and Roger keep saying "Say that again, say that again"! When we get back home he have me say it all over again so he write it down and end result am the song Addiction.
Me can understand how someone who am "not a big fan of them" and "only like some songs by them" could confuse Coolies with Ramones, but they am INFANITLY different. One major difference am fact that no one in Coolies am uglier than shaved baboon's ass. Me no want to talk ill of dead so me just say, Joey... Johnny... Dee Dee... Rest In Peace Guys. Me also can no take comparison as complament as me was no in band. Me just write words, Roger do music. Him also write other good songs without Monstee. Here am other song that best explaine how Roger feel sometimes. Me like it real good and try to live by it as well. If you like songs me sugest you buy they CD's. If you like late 80's early 90's alternative, you love them.

YOU DO IT!!! BUY CD'S NOW!!!
MONSTEE SAY SO!!!
ME AM MONSTEE!!!