New Year, New People, Nuisance

Well that baby with diaper and sash around him neck am about here and just in time too because me like to put the hurt on that old man with diaper and sash around him neck! 2005 was not very good year for you friend Monstee. Oh sure, the food was good. Music, TV and the movies seemed to be improving. Booze seemed to flow like it had been bottled up somewhere. There were plenty of women and the sex just keeps getting better and more interesting every single week! But in 2005 me stopped smoking and me am still little pissed off bout that! Me liked smoking! It make Monstee look cool! It make me feel manly. Now it gone and what me got? Just outstanding good looks and enormous genitals. Me guess that will have to be enough.

For those of you who not know, it am well into festive time for me people and me want to take this little break from Monstashona and wish you all happy holidays of you own. Be it belated Christmas, belated birthday, belated chanukah, belated kwanza, belated Hanukkah, belated trash day, belated anniversary, belated voodoo day, belated fishstick day, belated Independence Day (Slovenia), belated Junkanoo, belated Admission Day, belated Saint Thomas of Canterbury Feast Day, belated Tick Tock Day, belated No Interruptions Day,belated Bo Diddley's Birthday, belated Leap Second Adjustment day, belated Make Up Your Mind Day, belated Cathode-Ray Tube Day, belated Winter Solstice, belated Crossword Puzzle Day, belated Forefather's Day, belated Humbug Day, belated Phileas Fogg Wins a Wager Day or whatever day you and the horse you rode in on chooses to celebrate... Me hope that whatever jolly fat pagan has you number, he/she/it sends you everything you want and half of what you truly deserve! And as you gather with you family round that tall aluminum pole, air you grievance's and perform you feats of strength, remember that no matter how great the gift/black eye/mixed drink or whatever that we get from our friends/family am... it in no way compares to the warm, comforted,completely fulfilled feeling we get when we go out of our way to have sex with big blue hairy monsters...or just give him cash if we am a guy.

And speaking of guys, me would like to take what little time me have now while family clears away feasting things and brings in drinking things to give formal greetings to new people visiting cave and NOT HANGING OUT LIKE BUNCH OF LURKERS!!

First am Sol at Hall of the Slain. Now it am true that the hall am a little thin right now, but that just because it so new. If you got there you can no help but notice new blog smell. But Sol MORE that make up for him blogging frequency being somewhere between... oh, say me and old rotten tree stump by commenting. You can no look for bugs under dead cat without finding comment by Sol. Hi Sol! Me am Monstee! Nice of you come by and comment. Me like that.

Same with ScarletSphinx at My tender prison. Hey SS! Nice you come by and comment instead of soak up all cavey goodness and NO GIVE BACK LIKE NO GOOD LOUSY LURKER!!! Like Sol, SS have what appear to be brand new blog that seem to be well under way. Good luck to both you two! You going to need it if keep coming round here....(hehehehehe)

Next are people who suck. No, not lurkers. People who comment at cave and STILL suck. Why they suck? Me not sure how answer that cause me not sure what they up to. Me not going to give they links cause when me try them me get page saying account am canceled and then me computer start doing strange things and me got to restart. Lucky me have Macinrock and nothing damaged or infected, but still since they all have addresses so similar (www.some letter two digit number some other letter.com/ ~first name ~second name) that me believe they all in this together. They also only comment to Monstee's older posts and then comments with strange things like when me rant on stupid things they say "Thanks!" What the hell am that? What the hell am going on? Me not know and me not like it so Wallace Skovira, Merrill Catchings & Rolando Durall... You all suck! Unless you prove to Monstee that you real people and not trying to fish or infect computers, me NEVER going to welcome you to cave and NEVER going to give you hard time and see if you can take it and come back to play!

Speaking of heatherfeather at Love me, love my caribou, she am only one who DARE to take Monstee challenge in me Popularity Contest! True, me no really go to trouble of actually checking her work to see if she do it all right... BUT WHY ME HAVE TOO? SHE ONLY ONE WHO DO IT! Hi heatherfeather, welcome to cave! Me have been to her blog before and me not real sure how me got there. All me know is she am real nice person even if she post stuff about THEM. Her blog am REAL clean and have smell of fresh yarn, bleach and dog hair.

mmmMMMMMMmmmmuseddoggysweater....

NO! You no distract Monstee with talk of warm fuzzy treats! Heatherfeather am only one who take challenge so she win! Now she am most popular girl in cave! (sorry Adrianne Barbeau, you had 13 days.) Now me get posting from Heatherfeather asking what she win. What she win? Well, truth am me never expect anybody win. Let me see what we got around here...
:::BUMP::CRASH::SMASH::CREEK::SLAM::drip drip drip::SMASH::CRASH::
Here we go! You win this! One genuine stuffed animal thingy guaranteed NOT be possessed by Satan or any of hims minions as long as you no look at it, talk to it, touch it, listen to it, smell it, or interact with it in any way. And for God's sake... DON'T CLICK ON IT.
(everybody else shutup!)
BUT WAIT! Heatherfeather you're today's big winner! You can either keep what you have... or trade it for what am in the moldy box of porn!
Everybody:oooooOOOOOOOOOooooooooo AAAAAAHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh......
Take you time heatherfeather, we be right back with you right after word from our sponsor.

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How many times have this happen to you?
You trolling on web looking at new blogs when you run across person who only give profile picture of part of they face. How you supposed to know what they look like? How you know if you can trust them? How you know if the two faced or not?
Well now you know, thanks to the help of Monstee Inc.'s new...
Profile Facial Extrapolator!
Yes Monstee Inc. the company that brought you Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn! (p.p.) and Monsteespeak Translator 1.0 now brings you,
the Profile Facial Extrapolator!
Simply place the picture above the buttons provided and you instantly have access to over three kinds of extrapolation! Just listen to these people!
"This outta be right." - one of our programmers
"That's ME!" - Tyra Banks
"She's HOT!" - guy on the street
"I'm suing." - Tyra Banks
But enough about them! The Profile Facial Extrapolator is perfect for parties, family gatherings, late night alone typing one handed, or just trying to find a way to end a really really long posting!
Get youself a mirror and watch yourself using it right NOW!

The Profile Facial Extrapolator by Monstee Inc.
Ask for it by name!

If me go missing, you know it am true

Well, me was going to do posting on what new people we have hanging round cave recently... but not now! NO, Kate have to go and bring up more of THEM again!

Kate, Kate, Kate....

Me understand where you coming from, but me am very sorry to tell you that them of the rock am just another offshoot of THEM that you bringed up last time! Me not go into long story about how me get in trouble with this group, but me think you need know truth!

Long story short...

Red - Sexoholic manic depressive with eating disorder. You only see her when she 'up' because when she 'down' she barricade herself in trailer with cases of chocolate covered cream filled doughnuts and half dozen vibrators.

Monkey - Ok, she have this heavy mom complex mixed with need to dominate through use of mind games and passive aggressive comments. She also WAY into anti-male lesbian feminism and GEO-terrorism. Now, mix that in with explosive rage, anger management problems and (as a juvenile) attempted rape... well, you get the idea.

Boober - hmmmm... Lets see... Adapin, Cortisol, Effexor, Prozac, Marplan, Zoloft, Pertofrane, Remeron, Serzone, Luvox, Anafranil, Parnate, Estrogen, Sinequan, Aventyl, Norpramin, Surmontin, Tofranil, synthetic serotonin, Asendin, Paxil, Progesterone, Desyre, Elavil, Ludiomil, Nardil, Pamelor, Vivactil & Wellbutrin.

Wembley - Crackhead. A real tweeker too. Me hear the he and Red went at it for like 17+ hours and still not "cross finish line" if you know what me mean. You might notice that him tail look different than others. That am because he so often tweek out and pull hair from tail out it go bald. Then he move on to pulling skin. Now all he got am nub and sophisticated & expensive prosthetic.

Gobo - One of most normal... but lets just say that he got little Michael Jackson thing going on in bedroom.









Gorgs - Mentally challenged. They all live in same half way house and am happy to work for candy.

Trash Heap - You guess it! Worlds biggest sploshing freak! Started out just doing it for pics on web site, next thing you know she needing to be covered in old food 24/7.







Doozers - Not much bad here if you approve of non-union slave labor! Less than 3% can read or even sigh they name. Whenever someone want to improve things or make they lives better... well, even Doozers have bad "accidents".

Uncle Traveling Matt - Alzheimer's. There am reason he can no find is way home. You just lucky they only show you what he doing when he happen to have cleaned himself. Some times he relieve himself and not even take him pants down.



Doc - Now HE am human person... but that no stop him from being REALLY big furry fan with multi personality disorder. Me not go into what you no know... but pray you never get to see or meet 'Nicole'.




Sprocket - Well trained dog, but me hear that he bite some kid in ass some time back so thy neuter him AGAIN and now when he not on set he am so doped up that he just lay there and drool. When he am acting, he still wear shock collar that am so strong when it zap you hear it and smell burning dog hair. No, he no act up much any more... he a good dog now.



There is more, but me will save it for another time. Next posting me hope to be making fun... er, me mean testing... er, me mean Properly Welcoming newbies to cave.

Popularity Contest

Well here it am about half way through month and me see by me stats that it am already good month for ole cave being hit on. But what get me am where all the people am coming from....

By far MOST of me hits come from Kate! Thanks Kate! Then me get hits from search engines then Sara then Lauren what appear to be people hitting "Next Blog" button from other blogger blogs then Smacky. Thanks to everyone for steering people to cave, but me had NO idea me was getting so many from search engines! What they looking for when they find me? Wanna know? Here am list of words used in they searches when they hit me! It in order of most to least popular word.

coke - commercial - penguin - porn - barbeau - legal - barley - adrianne - bear - monstee - teens - milfs - polar - discount - cave - pp - and - the - penultimate - wall - penguins - monstea - clasic - peril - coed - zombie - to - rigermortis - monster - picture - drunk - north - what - fake - of - pole - sexy - excerpt - a - head - adrienne - quizel - free - make - puff - bobble - on - movies - commercials - gallery - how - class - high - teen - you - photo - palmetto - boobs - www.meammonstee.com - gum - scurvy - goldstars - girl - english - gag - toy - mahnamahna - it - clam - wild - felching - eating - game - cartoon - sliding - tongue - jeffery - in - puss - me - prepubescent - busted - bears - pregnant - flesh - mspaint - person - am - his - reflex - trucks - family - i - death - store - go - big - pills - everyone - know - madgirl.swf - dying - 80 - pierced - gone - smacky - ball - nude - grass - nubile - foamy - dalmer - bugs - we - stupid - school - mouth - marmots - bubble - suppressing - hot - mini - fantastic - radiation - field - for - brystpule - - scan - coarse - ad - blue - golf - 3 - play - pic - 4

Me DARE you. Use em all in a sentence and win!

Real Nice George

So not to go into too much detail, but me was in DC area recently sabotaging strangers clothes washers and monkeying around with baseboard heaters in bedrooms and such when me happen to be outside one big white house. Thinking they must have BIG washers and baseboard heaters in there me sneak in and who do me find hiding out from American people??? Little Georgie Porgy heself. Now, me know me not been so nice to old Bushy in past, so me decide that since me am in his house and me need new picture of him for cave wall, me better be nice and make friends. So me ask him...

"Hey Mr. Prez! How you feel knowing that you in position to double you approval rating if you just do what everybody want and stop doing what everybody not want you to do and maybe worry little more about us over here instead of them over there and then maybe we stop losing our boys over there despite that you say way back when you was standing on aircraft carrier that war am over?"

He have no response to that. So then me say...

"Everybody like you lots better if you just quit."


Me not sure if he know that me mean quit what he am doing that nobody want him to do, but he do have response to THAT!

Real nice George. What am that? You IQ?
Nono! It number of forks on you family tree?
NO! It number of things you do right in office?

My Ex Is A Big Bitch

If you like me then you am getting little but sick of hearing bout fancy shmancy celebrities breaking up they famous amous relationships.

...not because you can no stand in line at store or turn on radio or TV without hearing bout them... but because you cause or capitalize on them and it make you feel little bit guilty.

Now EVERYBODY know that when there am big breakup a nice transistion monstee am just what you need to get over you bad feelings of loss and sadness and bitterness and hungry and sweaty and itchy and mopey and squishy and drunk and horny an just wanting to forget about all that an move on to something new and better and blue and hairy.

So now me question am... Do that make me bad Monstee for keeping that in mind when me hear about breakups or relationships on rocks? Me mean, when you first hear about Nick and Jessica what was you first thought? For me it was "Woo Hoo! Now me have a shot!"
Now me not going to say me have anything to do with they breakup... but me just going to say that me REALLY wanted to be there "for her" if you know what me mean..

And this not first time me do something like this. There was Jennifer Aniston. After thing with Brad she just want to get away and hang out on beach. That OK with me! Me love to rub lotion all over... WELL! You no want her to burn do you!!!

And Melissa Joan Heart. She like to walk around town with Monstee on leash, showing off she am TOTALLY over what's his name. It funny, you no think that Sabrina teenage witch am way into S&M.

And Mandy Moor? Big porn, sex club, group and sex magic freak. Me was amazed! Shocked and amazed! Pleasantly so!







And
did
me
mention Jennifer Aniston?















You know, funny thing am me seem to be missing me pictures of me and Paris. Hmmmmmm, How am THAT for irony?

Monstee Hates something on TV

OK!
OK!
You want me post more? Here am posting for ya!!

Me just now for about the one brazilionth time watched that holiday feel good Coke commercial on TV where cute and fuzzy polar bear slide down side of snow drift into happy party penguin flock... hmmm.... flock of penguins? School of penguins? Pride? Gander? OH HANG ON!!!

:::taptaptap::: ...google... :::taptaptap::: ....group of penguins... :::tap::: ...no, no, no, group of penguins... ...group of penguins... HA!! "A group of birds are called a "flock" where as a group of penguins are called a "colony"." OK.

So, me was watching this commercial where happy smiling little polar bear go sliding down snow pile and come face to face with COLONY of penguins that am all partying and drinking coke and having good time and next thing you know mama and papa polar bear am there with baby and little baby chick type penguin... chick? ARGHHHH!!!! HANG ON!!!!!

:::taptaptap:::...google... :::taptaptap:::....Penguin chick... :::tap::: ...penguin chick, Penguin chick, penguin chick, penguin chick, Penguin chick, penguin chick, Penguin chick.... FINE!

...this little baby chick type penguin pops out and cutely hops over and offers little polar bear cub bottle of coke. He/she/it drink up Coke and everyone go on having party and merry ole' Cokemass.

Why this commercial bother me so? EVERY time me see it me get SO.... Bothered!!!! Me want to SCREAM 'THERE AM NO POLAR BEARS AT SOUTH POLE WITH PENGUINS AND NO PENGUINS AT NORTH POLE WITH POLAR BEARS!!!!!'

Me not know why this am only thing that bother me. Me have no problem getting round fact that...

Happy dancing penguins am drinking out of bottles with beaks.

Coke somehow have remained liquid in tempters that FREEZES SEA WATER!!!

When little bear cub come sliding down drift, penguins just stand around looking at him/her/it instead of scattering and sliding on bellies into water.

Penguins have they chicks that close to water when we all know that penguins walk sometimes over one hundred miles from water to breading grounds! (Did we not all see March of the Penguins?)

That baby bear instinctively knows how to drink out of Coke bottle when it look like he/she/it may not even be weaned yet.

When mama and papa bear come up behind baby bear that they just wait for little chick to give baby bear Coke instead of tearing into entire COLONY and leaving snow dripping red with blood and gore and shreds of meat and half chewed feathers.

Or, for that matter why papa bear am there at all because mama bear should be trying to tear him throat out to keep him from munching down on baby bears yummy entrails and sweet, sweet organ meats.

So why only the location and mixing of animal thing? If me can take the rest of nonsense, and me not take that too? And why stupid think like that make me want to put foot through screen of TV and yell till me lungs explode and throw TV at head of advertising agent and make him/her/its brains fall out?

You tell me.

...but me have been commenting!

OKOKOKOK! So me haven't been posting much this month. Give me break! Thanksgiving am different for monsters than it am for you people! First off, it am 4 days long and we never have leftovers. You just eat till you pass out and pray that nobody force more food into you gullet while you sleeping. You think you get sleepy after you gorge? Me have you know that this time of year eating feasts often cause many monsters to drift off into monthly hibernation cycles that can last weeks! Those of us who no go into long term sleep tend to take to street in search of more turkey necks and hamhoks and bologna & potato chip sandwich and gizzards and scrapple and tripe and chitlins and monkey brains and them big bugs that they eat in Indiana Jones II (the crappy one) and soup with eyeballs and buckets of nightcrawlers and cranberry sauce and beef hearts and chicken hearts and turkey hearts and artichoke hearts and hearts are trump and are you still and reading this and or did you and or just skip and down to and the end of and the list and diamonds and clubs and spades and snips and snail's and puppy dog tails and that fuzzy stuff that have been in back of fridge for like six months that am now fuzzy and hairy and you no know if it am meat or cake but am pretty sure that it am not meatcake and some wired soup that have like hotdogs and greenbeans in it and macaroni and cheese that have been made in microwave without adding any water and Bread and apples and very small rocks and cider and great gravy and cherries and mud and churches and lead and a duck and largemough and smallmouth and walleyed too and crappies out the ass and potato chicks and cheese girls and soft & fluffy carp and the white stuff and two all beef patties and special sauce and lettuce and cheese and pickle and onion and a sesame seed bun and ROADKILL!!! TONS & TONS OF ROADKILL!!!!

So... no indifference to last comment me get on last posting (you hit scroll bar and look it up! After all that me am in NO mood to put link in there for just to take you to last postings!) Me am sorry for not posting so much lately but me have been working on stuff. Stuff you see in future... me hope.

AND, me have also been keeping up YOU and your little blogs out there. So just to fill out this little posting of nonsense, me will include last comments me make at all you blogs tonight. If you already read them... well you get to read them again. For you me will not tell who get what comment so you have to guess who get what where and so forth... ...this could be fun.

mmmmMMMMMmmmmcrappygasstationmicrowaveburgers...
When you toilet grow feet? It must have got feet if it am running!
Hehehehe!
toilet at cave grow nose... Because it am smelling!!! HAHAHAHAHA!

Me feel so bad for... what his name is. But, me also feel good for him for me know personally that life am better without really big bitch in it all of time.

Also... PEEPS?!?!?! YAHGH!! HO NO! PEEPS!!! YAAAAAAGH!!!! Peepspeepspeepspeepspeepspeespepessepeespsspseps...
ARRRGGGGHHHHHHGHGYUCKHGARRRAGRRGRGRJHRHRHABLECKAAH

::pant pant::

...how you people eat such things?

NASCAR Ice Cream?

It say it turbo-charged with rich chocolate fudge, crunchy chocolate-covered peanuts and exclusive fudge-filled race cars.

Hmmmm... Me think you should watch out eating anything that have pressurized injection system in it own engine!

Me also think you have pretty smile, but try not to do it with chunks of fudge-filled race cars in teeth.

HOW MANY TIMES ME GOT TO TELL YOU?!?! Ramones am best band ever! Me have only heard of half of band on you list and me can guess that other half am just as crappy! How you possibly describe youself as ultimate partier when you listen to such shmalts and groupie oriented music? You need exposed to other music not on radio or coming out phones of you friends! Get out on you own! Read a book too!

This have all been said with like.

IT AM PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHAT FOR SHOULD DIE!

"You might say, the secret ingredient is salt." - Marge Simpson

If you am asking me... me say that spices am the spice of life! If used properly, them can turn the most mediocre cook into a spicy tasty not that bad cook. Me know me had cooking window opened when me learned what to do with Basil and Shallots.

P.S. Me am surprised that no one mention anything about if wife have nice rack to use with spices. Me guess that am me job to make such lowbrow humor, but me not going to do it! Nyea.

Nice. Me like!

Me refuse to believe one word of you posting. Why? Because me know for fact it have at least ONE lie in there, and if there am one lie, then can be others. What lie you ask? That one about girls gone wild girl. Me know for fact that them girls am NOT real. They am robots or puppets or something. Me refuse to believe that they am real... for with me being so old... it just too sad to think what me am missing.

Oh sure, there am easy ones like...
"To get to the other side."
...but you looking for funnier ones like...
"Walk out? Help me find my keys and we'll drive out!"
"Me Injun Joe. Me check for bees."
"Hilittleboy.""Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii..."

It's peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time
Where he at Where he at Where he at Where he at
There he go There he go There he go There he go
Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly
Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly,
Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat...