Newstee

In Manhattan, Kansas, President Bush answered questions from an unscreened audience. Difficulties accrued when a woman asked Bush about the $12.7 billion cut from education.

President Bush apparently developed a sudden hearing loss... "At the federal level?" he asked, after asking her to repeat the question. "Our -- our education?" Bush's hearing kicked back in and he was reported to have gone totally "Village of the Damned" on her ass.

The young woman withdrew her question, slowly apologized and began gouging out her own eyes with a ball point pen. Although many of the questioning audience had to repeat themselves to be heard over the screams of agony, no other difficulties were observed.

Old Stuff, New Stuff, Dumb Stuff

Old Stuff: Me was to start by saying me am very sorry for some of things me say in me last post. Me got little carried away and me let it all get to me head. Me guess that what me get for watching too much TV. So, me apologize. You am not all dicks. Some of you am bitches, but speaking of dicks....
ScarletSphinx seem to be of opinion that Mr. Satan have no Mr. Happy. Far be it from me to be one to say if or if not the Dark Lord do or do not have a wang. Dongs am just not something me spend lot of time thinking bout. But me always did think that Prince of Lies can appear as anything he want... so why he not want Johnson that am like huge? Guys with long rods seem to be more confident than those with little willys and speaking for those of us with enormous schlongs it am pretty cool.

Adrienne Barbeau did bring up good point about it being in Dictionary, and that entry am based on one of me favorite comedians Bill Hicks (God rest his soul) when he talk about rock and roll.
When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children?
I want my children to listen to people who fucking rocked.
I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit.
I want someone who plays from his fucking heart.
And these other musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against them?
Boy, do they suck. What a coincidence!
Ball-less, souless, spiritless corporate little bitches, suckers of Satan's cock, each and every one of them.
"We're rock stars against drugs cause that's what the President wants."
Aw, suck Satan's cock.
That's what we want isn't it, government approved rock n roll?
Whooh, we're partying now!
"We're rock stars who do Pepsi Cola commercials."
Suck Satan's cock. Put that big scaly pecker down your gullet. Drink that black worm jism. Drink it! Fill your little bellies. Ha Ha Ha!
Send in Vanilla Ice.
Hello Vanilla. Says here on your application, you have no talent, and yet you want to be a star. I think something can be arranged. Suck Satan's cock. Groooooh!
I will lower the standards of the earth. I will put 56 channels of American Gladiators on every TV. Grooh!! I will put all the money in the hands of 14 year old girls. They will think you are charismatic, deep and edgy. GROOOOOOOOOoooooohhhhhh....

Send in MC Hammer on your way out.

-Bill Hicks, Revelations, 1993

That good enough for me.... Except me will end this with just saying... Rosemary's Baby?

New Stuff:
Like me new Banner? It am new to the cave, but me have it for years and years. Me was using it for bookmark in moldy old box of porn. Little did me know that me idea was also idea of me new friend and our newest cave dweller (WARNING: The following link am not for faint of heart or ANYONE under age of... oh... lets be legal and say 18. Sarah am VERY open and VERY honest and not for anyone who prefer PG-13 life stile. Dang, she idles at a heavy R and cruising speed am somewhere between X and NC17. No get me wrong! Me like Sarah. Me think she am one of most funny and refreshing things me have found, but that just me. Me mean the girl can make clerk at adult "toy" store blush! heheheh... NO! You no distract me with funny things me am saying! This am you last warning! Sarah am great, but she am very raw and can have fouler mouth than me! Me think the girl sometimes gargle with douche!) Sarah! Either way it am great banner and me guess that great minds think alike! Me just not know what me am going to do with mine now.... oh well. Hi Sarah! Welcome to cave! (secret Note to everyone but Sarah: Me know, me know, me have not had much success with Sarahs in past... nor their pictures, but me think this time different. Really! She cool!)
Dumb Stuff:
Super Hero's that never made it:

1. Captain Exama
2. Major Infection and Pus-boy
3. The Metaphysical Mob
4. The Boys from Brazil
5. High Colonic the Enama kid
6. Josef Stalin
7. Random Roger and Condenser Mike
8. Ranger Dan and his big dog, Dick
or Ranger Dan and his big, dog dick
9. Yo Mama!
10. G.I. Gerbil and the Howling Hamster "Ah Woow Woooow!"
11. Agent Hairball & Coughing Kat
12. Mr. Parapism
13. Vibro Woman & Dildo Girl
14. The Black Klansman
15. Sergeant Masochist and his Drilled Privates
16. Poop Shooter
17. Little Immigrant and Banana Boat Boy
18. Crack Master and the Heroin Sheik
19. SlugMan
20. ApeFace & the Monkey Humpers

Monstee gets irked for no reason

OK,

...so me know this will no matter to any body but Monstee cause it am just one of those things that bug me for no reason me can tell except that it do. And why am that? ME NOT KNOW!!! If me did, me might know how to deal with it and not get you panties in such big bunch over nothing! Yeah, me know. Me said "you" panties. But that cause me no wear panties, stupid! Sorry, sorry... Me not mean to take it out on you. Me just need to understand this.

Have you seen this commercial for Yoplait yogurt where there am this girl who have yellow polka-dot bikini and she want to lose weight so she look good in it? Well, this commercial have us believe that she just eat yogurt for like six months and it all work out. Now that not what piss me off. What piss me off am fact that they play that old song "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini" in background. No! That not what burn me ass! Me rarely have problems with that old music crap! Or that old crap music! NO! In fact, what am playing in background am not the real song. NO! As usual those bastards in big world of advertising and soulless marketing have gone and changed lyrics of song just a bit. Not a lot! No! Just enough to... Well me not know why!! Typically those noxious quiefs change works to better match product and help sell they product and diminish our lives just one little bit further... BUT NOT THIS TIME!!! NO! Me think this time they do it just for the fuck of it! Just because they can! Why they got to do it at all? Me truly hope and dream that first guy to think up idea of taking good old music from past and changing lyrics to better sell they shit am in hell strapped to burning chunk of brimstone and having sheet music for all songs changed in this way shoved so far up him ass he cough up note books! Be me know he not... because he am the devil. Who else come up with idea?
"Hey Guys, since none of you have the imagination or talent to come up with something original, entertaining or noteworthy in any way, why don't you just take an old song that is already stuck in everyone's mind and change the lyrics to match the product? That way when they hear the real song they will still think of the product and you will have won on two fronts. Hail to me, your lord Satan. Line up for sodomy!"

Now me have become jaded to process somewhat, but this am just so stupid. If you look at lyrics to original song, you see that chorus go:
"It was an itsy, bitsy, teenie, weenie, yellow polka-dot bikini
That she wore for the first time today"
And on commercial they have:
"She wore an itsy, bitsy, teenie, weenie, yellow polka-dot bikini
That she wore for the first time today"
What the hell is that?!?! Me know, me know, it'm tiny little change and really don't mean anything... but still... what the hell?!?! It make NO sense. Look, look... if we take out some adjectives and phrases, what we get?
#1 - "It was a bikini that she wore"
#2 - "She wore a bikini that she wore"
God damn it! Will somebody please tell me.... What the HELL?!?! That not even good English! OH, oh, now you gonna say that maybe me not the best person to be pointing out bad English, right? Right?

Fuck you! Fuck you, fuck you and FUCK YOU!!
You're ALL dicks.

Palmetto Bugs... and You!

OK, so me had little bit of time on me paws today and decide to check up on stats for cave. It would seem that even for being only half over, January am shaping up to be pretty good month for me traffic wise. So far me already have 259 unique visitors, 14 of which have added me to they favorite places and 4 people who hang out at cave for over 1 hour (as opposed to usual less then 30 seconds). Hi new people! Don't be lurkers, me need input and ideas. Pull up moldy box of porn and we chat.

But then me glance over to Top 10 Search Keyphrases... When did me ever mention about palmetto bugs? Until now, me no remember EVER mentioning palmetto bugs. No get me wrong! Me LOVE palmetto bugs.

mmmmMMMMMmmmmpalmettobugs.....

...it just that me no remember mentioning them. Am it me? Did me miss something? Do me need to go back and reread me own archives? OK...

Adrianne Barbeau, yes!
Discount porn, yes.
Nude polar bear club... well, me did rant on stupid polar bear and me probably have talked about nude this and club that... so me guess.

But palmetto bugs? Me just don't remember that. Nor do me remember talking bout pictures of night jellyfish! Nor rigermortis of meat, picture two-faced bitch or teenage s&m, but hey, give me time, give me time.

So then that give me idea! What if me every week write little something with top searches of that week! That will get Monstee in the search engines for sure!!
So here we go....

Ich bin Monstee, der Zeitgeister!
Chapter 3 - 1/16/06
So me hear that Joe Pichler was at Golden Globes arguing with James Franco and James Frey about who got Angelina Jolie pregnant. Turns out it am clone of Martin Luther King. Idea come from Kim Mathers who am filing for divorce to peruse relationship with Sasha Cohen despite her bad case of bird flu that she got in epidemic at USC.

hehehehehehehe... Problem am then are old top searched. What am going to be NEW top searches? You got any ideas?

The fix is in

It have come to me attention that some of pics at cave have no been showing up in certain browsers or on certain computers along our info-highway.

Why you people no tell me this earlier?!?!

Many thanks to Ivar for filling Monstee in (even though me was at friends house last week and me discover problem meself). To repay kindness, you am moved to back of line for torture and ridicule... er, hazing... er, special welcoming to cave. But because you as only second to last person to be new at cave (and self confessed lurker) that only put one person in front of you....

Hello PerversoActor! Me have been to you blog.... did not understand one word. Ok, one word... maybe two. Three or four tops, but it help if me know what language it am in. Me would like to welcome you in you native language, but me not know what country you am from. Am it Hungry, Turkey, Greece?

mmmMMMmmmmmmturkeygrease....

NO! You NO distract Monstee with talk of you yummy homeland stuffed with bread crumbs and sitting in pan with mouth-watering drippings!! Me am Monstee! Me want to know why nobody tell me they not be seeing all Monstee's pictures that me be going out of way to hang on cave wall?

Me am approachable! Me am friendly! Me post me email address and AIM Handel for all to see just in case they want to reach out and say something like "Hi Monstee! How am you? Me can no see all you pictures you so lovingly hang on cave wall for everyone to enjoy! Me must be idiot!" Then me would very nicely says "NO! You am no stupid for THAT reason. That am problem with way me browser download certain pics. Me just discover it and am in process of fixing problem files.... MOTARD!!" But NooooOOOOOOOoooooo!!! You people all just go on giggling behind Monstee's back under him nose bout how he keep posting pictures nobody but him can see.

NOW me know why nobody give Monstee very many caption ideas for him funny picture.
You can see it now? If no, you going to tell Monstee? If you do see pic, feel free to go back and check out other pics you might have missed. We am fixing and updating all the time (which am definitely taking time away from developing lurker detected). Hopefully, soon ALL of me pics will be fixed and you then have NO problem seeing all Monstee's pretty pictures.

Me no like to post pictures that can no be picked up by all people... but if you have right kind of computer, link, server and browser... maybe you like to see dirty picture of last first time Monstee have sex.And before you start asking same old questions all over again...
1) Yes! She am shaving me ass.
2) NO. That am not midget arm sticking out of side of waterbed, it am blow up doll that get stuffed there somehow. Midget am taking picture.
3) Yes! Them am real tattoos on her body. Pic not so good to show all of them but there am Bat with yellow eyes, Oingo Boingo skull, chain of dancing beans, portrait of Sting (in circle with line through it), portrait of Danny Elfman (in circle with line through it), portrait of Monstee (NOTE: this am old pic. Today tattoo of Monstee portrait am in circle with line through it and next to portrait of Trent Reznor... DANG YOU Reznor! You one up me once again!), Band Logo's (The Police, The Sex Pistols, The Ramones, The Damned, The Dickies, Gen X, Misfits, Dead Kennedys, Devo, Black Flag, Sisters of Mercy, The Clash, Oingo Boingo, Adam & the Ants, Elvis Costello, XTC, Joe Jackson, the specials), Slippery when wet sign, scratch and sniff sign, Exit only sign (in circle with line through it), the covers of like the first 10 Steven King books, a shark with a MOD hat.
4) No. That am NOT optical illusion. They am that big and their spectacular.
5) NO. There am only 5 adult toys. You am counting pink one twice cause it wrap around.
6) Yes. You may download pic for you own use.


Feel free to submit caption for either pic!

Monstee gives credit where credit is due

Tam the season to be Monstee,
Fa la la la la, Mmmm mmmm mmm mmmmmmmmmmm.....

What?!?! You am saying. Monstee posting twice in same week? YES me am. Me am in such a good mood that just had to tell you guys. ...and screw you, me post as often or not at me want!

Anyway, what me love most about this time of year am that me hangover am just about going away and me start getting me belated MonstaShanah presents. Just imagine me surprise when me go to get mail and find box left at mouth of cave from "POP The Soda Shop!"

Now truth be know me was already expecting box because me secrete Santa (me know what me spelled... YOU not know what fat man do on Monster Holidays!) already tell me they getting it for me. Me not going to tell you who it am because me not want you all hounding them for free drinks youself, but me would like take opportunity to point out me really super good friend Kate before me forget. HI KATE!!! You totally rock for no other reason than you just being youself!!! Thanks for everything (if you know what me mean... wink, wink)!!! Now me not want to get into debate if Kate am nicest person in world or not, cause then we got to start comparing her to Mother Teresa and Jesus and me and we not got time for all that. But me did want to mention her because what you know? Box happen to have some of her favorite soda inside! What am the odds?!?

ABITA Root Beer/ INGREDIENTS: Carbonated Water, cane sugar, caramel color, root beer flavor, phosphoric acid

Now me was expecting good things from this drink because, 1) it am brewed like beer and 2)CANE SUGAR. Me figure, what can go wrong, but although me love root beer, me never had this Kind and really not know what to expect. Here am transcript of what go on in Monstee's head after me drink.

DRINK #1

Adult half of brain: SWEET!!!
Picky kid half of brain: What is this? This is different!
     I don't like this! I want IBC!
Man in labcoat who analyze everything: SWEET!!!
7/9ths of brain that relate everything to everything else:
     No wonder Kate's so sweet!
Super taster who like to pick out flavors in food and drink: Lord GOD that is sweet!!
Sense of fairplay: Now don't judge a soda by your first
     drink.
Inner child half of brain: Can I have another drink of that?

Drink #2

Adult half of brain: Wow is that sweet!
Picky kid half of brain: This is different! It not at all like
     IBC!
Man in labcoat who analyze everything: SWEET!!!
7/9ths of brain that relate everything to everything else:
     Kate doesn't have a sweet tooth, she had a sweet skull!
Super taster who like to pick out flavors in food and drink: OK, there is really root beer in there... sweet, but
     root beer none the less...
Sense of fairplay: You really should finish that before
     making judgment.
Inner child half of brain: Can I have another BIG drink of
     that?

Drink #3

Adult half of brain: Ya know, that's not bad!
Picky kid half of brain: I can drink this!
Man in labcoat who analyze everything: I hope we don't
     lose a foot!
7/9ths of brain that relate everything to everything else:
     If Dr. Pepper is still the best.... then this is about a
     Dr. Pep! Its right up there with Mr. Pib!
Super taster who like to pick out flavors in food and drink: Oh god, the brewing process has cooked the sugar
     into a caramel flavor the just sits under the root beer
     flavor and waits for you to find it...yum.
Sense of fairplay: I think my work here is done.
Inner child half of brain: Can I have my own bottle of that?

Drink #4+

All parts of brain: Oh wow... that's almost as good as sex.

Oh before me forget, me also want to thank Heatherfeather for what she do for me night before last. Thanks Heatherfeather!! You have no idea how frustrated me was before you do that for me! Of ALL me new best gal cavedwellers... you the latest!

Oh, NotKate also include couple of BAWLS GUARANA High Caffeine Guarana Beverage. It was pretty good too... a little lemon/limey. Once me get over fact that it come in bottle shaped like french tickeling adult toy me find if quite refreshing. Even though it it have so much caffeine it give me Van Halen Legs.

Cavedwellers

Well some people try to pick up girls
And get called assholes
This never happened to... Pablo Picasso
Him could walk down you street
And girls could not resist him stare and
So Pablo Picasso was never called asshole

Well the girls would turn color
Of avocado when he would drive
Down their street in him El Dorado
He could walk down you street
And girls could not resist him stare
Pablo Picasso never got called asshole