Happy Blogday To Me!!!

Happy Blogday to me...
Happy Blogday to me...
Happy Blogday dear Monsteeeeeeeeeeee...
Happy Blogday to me!

Yes it big day for me and the cave kiddies and kiddettes. One big year blogging. Come on in... enjoy the party!! Drinks am that way, food am over there. If you no like the food, feel free to throw up in hole in middle of floor. If you need to use facilities, let me direct you to hole in middle of floor. If you look through me music collection, me am sure you find some cool tunes to play! Have fun! It am a party!!

Wow! Blogging for entire year. We had our ups, we had our downs. Good times, bad times. Some times words flowed like water through enema tube, other times... nothing. Me do me best and do hope that those of you who was here for it, enjoyed what me did. If you enjoyed it half as much as me did doing it... well then me enjoyed it twice as much as you! See, math am not so hard!

Now me know me could go off on big rant about something here, or give crazy list of stuff that nobody care about, or show picture and talk about what am going on in world/life... but me no want to. It me party and me do what me want to! And what me want to do am go lay down! Me am just a bit under the weather right now... aint we all? Me was planning big post about what all happen in cave last year... but me browser crash and eat it all last night!! So me not going to do that again. Me was also going to introduce all the new peoples that have been hanging round recently... but me not up for that right now so you all talk amongst youselves. Me do formal thing next time.

Ugh! Me am getting worse as me type! This am how me quit smoking... by getting phenomena! But still, me feel me gotta leave you all with some kind of topic, and since this am me blogday party, why not reminisce? When people ask me what me blog about, first thing me think of am warning people about THEM and THEM! There, there am you links. Now, older people who been here longer... you direct the newer people and show them round. When you asked "What do Monstee post about?" What am first that come to you mind? Lurkers, feel free to post anonymously.

OK, me am done. Me going to bed.
Lock up when you leave!

Sweet, Sweet Ranting

If you new to the cave then you not know that me hold some pretty strong feelings about some things. And some of me strongest feelings am for them people what make ads and things for us to buy things. To put it mildly, me think that at best most of them am just a bunch of stupid morons and what they do am nothing more than affront to our intelligence and am slowly helping to bring about decline of western civilization... and at worst they am scourge of demons wrought upon us by Lucifer hisself in vain attempt to lower our expectations of our own intellect and accept what am put in front of us as inevitable so we remain passive sheeple. Either way, they should most of them be taken out and shot in the head, drawn and quartered, put in iron maiden, forced to stay in small room with corpse, stretched on rack, put in the boot, forced to dance with corpse, dunked in cold water, forced to take corpse out to dinner at bad French restaurant, burned with red hot poker, forced to go to see movie "Glitter" with corpse, forced to talk to this girl Rhonda me use to know, forced to kiss corpse goodnight, made to eat glass, forced to accept cup of coffee from corpse, made to wash with draino, forced to give corpse a backrub, have their genitalia put in vice, forced to have sex with corpse, made to suck raw lemon, crucified, forced to spend the night with corpse, hung upside down and dunked in barrel of water, forced to spoon corpse, peed on, forced to have breakfast with corpse, whipped with cat-o-nine tales, wiped with cat-o-nine tales, forced to agree with corpse that "this just might work", forced to have sex with corpse again just to see, have fingernails torn out, forced to break up with corpse in small private place where they can no get away easy, set on fire, forced to convince corpse its them and not it, forced to accept call from weeping corpse, hobbled, forced to run into corpse while out with new corpse, forced to go to see corpse to get some old cd's, forced to have sex with corpse again for old time sake, & given boiling water enema. But that just me.

Now reason me bring all this up am because there am this new commercial that have been getting under me fur recently. Me not know if you familiar with Reeses Peanut Butter Cups or not, but for years now have been using basically same kind of advertising gimmick, so me am jaded to that and it not bother me so much. You know basics... Person doing something while eating chocolate at same time other person am doing something while eating RAW PEANUT BUTTER USUALLY RIGHT OUT OF THE JAR.... But that's ok cause, stupid as it sounds, some people actually do that. SO, when these two people meet, it am usually some kind of bump and they get they stuff mashed together.
"Hey! You got chocolate in my Peanut Butter!"
"Oh yeah! Well you got Peanut Butter on my chocolate!"
"Fuck you!"
"Suck my dick!"
And potential fist fight and gang war am narrowly avoided by both of them trying polluted treat and finding it am better now after the freak accident that seem to KEEP HAPPENING OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN SO MANY VARIATIONS THAT IT NOT FUNNY.... But that not the point.Now they got this NEW candy. Now me am last one to say me not going to try this. Me happen to love caramel AND Reeses very much and me wonder why they no think of this before. What get me am that with this new candy am new ad campaign where them stupid sons-o-bitches in advertising land think they being cute or something and PUSHING MORE STUPIDITY DOWN OUR GULLETS!!! LOOK... look... new commercial, and indeed whole new Reeses campaign, am having to do with NASCAR. Cause we know that ALL of America LOVE NASCAR and in no way find it boring to watch cars drive around in circles for hours and we all sit back and dream of being drivers like Kevin Harvick who just so happen to be walking down street eating Reeses Peanut Butter Cup and listening to what appear him ipod. This am perfectly normal. Many people do stuff like this everyday. And we all know how distracting it can be when wearing earphones on our ipod. So you see potential accident approaching, right? Enter Tony Kanaan, another NASCAR driver. Huh, what am the odds? But Tony Kanaan am a different kind of person than Kevin Harvick. Yes, Tony Kanaan have different tastes in treats and technology. See, him am walking down street talking on cell phone and... enjoying... hisself... nice... OPEN... jar... of... CARAMEL!! :::pant,pant::: Me comment little more on this later, but you can guess result...THAT'S RIGHT!!! As we all know from
everywhere, doing stuff while on call phone and listening to headphones anywhere but safely seated in lounge chair am NOTHING more than recipe for disaster!! A full on collision occurs and Kevin Harvick's Reeses goes straight into Tony Kanaan's... open... jar... of... caramel. :::huff, puff:::
The standard variant on the complaints are exchanged and they try the new candy. Oh sure, it looks good.Me have no problem with that! Far from it! Next time me out and about at some gas station or something, me am gonna look for them an pick one up. NO. What get me am the utter stupidity of the aforementioned exchange. OK, granted! Yes, people DO walk down streets. Yes, people do wear earphones and talk on phones and it distracts them. And YES, they even eat candy while doing it and bump into people. But never... And me mean NEVER... In the history of humanity has ANYONE... EVER... walked down the street LEISURELY CARRYING OPEN JAR OF CARAMEL!!! THE OTHER GUY IS EATING THE FUCKING CANDY, WHAT IS THIS GUY DOING? ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE HE'S EATING IT PLAIN?!?! RIGHT OUT OF THE JAR? HIS HANDS ARE FULL!! HE'S ON THE PHONE!! AM HE DRINKING IT RIGHT OUT OF THE JAR??? THERE'S NO SPOON OR ANYTHING!! HE'S EITHER DRINKING IT RIGHT OUT OF THE JAR OR EATING IT WITH HIS FINGERS WHEN HE PUTS THE PHONE AWAY!!! NO, IT DOESN'T HAPPEN!! THAT IS SO STUPID!!! Oh, oh oh!! And in the crash part of the Reeses breaks off into the caramel??? FUCK YOU!!! NO!!! Peanut butter am a thick substance. ALMOST a solid. YES, it would break chocolate bar NO PROBLEM! NO!!! Caramel am a thick viscous substance, but TOTALLY lack the resistance to even effect the thick solid chunk of a Reeses cup!! Fuck you!! And FUCK YOU Tony Kanaan! You look like an idiot!!
"Oh, I think I'm gonna go for a walk and drink my jar full of straight caramel. WOW. I need to call someone on my cell phone an tell them how good it is! Hello mom? mmMMMMMMmmmmcaramel!"
YOU STUPID FOOL!! DO YOU NEED THE MONEY THAT MUCH?!?! Why you let them do this?? Me could come up with less stupid shit!!

Look, look... Tony Kanaan am working on making better tasting caramel, he in lab coat in him laboratory... that happen to be on his stoop right by street and sidewalk. Kevin Harvick come walking by, trip and fling him Reeses into Tony Kanaan's supply of caramel.
"You FUCKER!! I'll KILL you!!"
"Bring it on, bitch!!"
And they try the new candy.

And me pull that right out of me ASS!! Fuck you add men! Give me millions of dollars and me let me come up with stupid shit for the TV! You should all be taken out and either bitch slapped repeatedly... or vomited on!

Monstee has never gotten VD!

It just make no sense to me. When me was little Monstee, we was made to make valentines for everyone in class. Then we was told that valentines day am for lovers or people who want to be lovers to write notes and give gifts. ME NO WANT TO BE LOVERS WITH TAFARI HOUSTON*!!! Me no want to be lovers with ANY of little boys in me class, so why me got to make valentines for them? So they not feel left out? TOUGH!! What am you pushing off on me young mind here teacher? Polyamery?!?!

As me get older, me look into history to try to make sense of strange holiday. It seem that their am stories about some old St. Valentine... but stories am varied and conflicting. Their may have been as many as 3. They was all martyrs. Cool. Hey baby, some old cardinal or priest or something went and got himself deaded bout thousand years ago. It was probably gross and everything. Wanna make out and sit by lake and watch birds and feed each other candy? Hello? We talking possibly beheading and maybe disemboweling! That not make you all romantic? OH! So sorry, me was trying to reach you roommate. Am she there? Hey baby... what me said earlier. What? You know who this am. Wanna be me dead priest? Me said you KNOW who this am! It am you valentine! NO ITS NOT BLAIN**!!

And the gifts!!! Cards with hearts on them. Boxes in shape of hearts with candy in them. Little bears holding hearts. Pillow shaped like hearts with sayings on them. Everywhere you look, hearts, hearts, hearts! They all fake!! FAKE!! You ever try giving real heart for valentines day? It real buzz kill let me tell you!! If nobody want real bit bloody heart on valentines day, why they go and have all the fake ones around all over place?!?!

Best valentines day me ever have me spend alone after me piss off me current girlfriend*** at time. Me had wanted to do something special so me look in phone book to get her big valentine. Me as thinking big! Me was thinking chocolate! Me was thinking adult. Me find place that say me could get really big adult cake surprise thingy for some low rate per hour. Me was a little confused but if it came with chocolate inside then me would take it. They say it could and the "chocolate" would even "love" me girlfriend as much as me wanted for little more money. Me not know why they use quotes when they talk but me make plans to have cake delivered. It not go as planed. When me girl see big cake with its read heart pinned to side of cake and trap door on top and music playing from inside, she go ballistic and storm out, leaving ME to eat entire cake by meself. It not best cake me ever have. It not very sweet, kinda cardboardy. But the middle was fresh, juicy, meaty and kinda screamy! But again me got screwed cause me taste NO chocolate at all!!!

Me hate VD.


*Boy me go to little school with.
**Boy me go to little school with.
***Girl me go to High school with.

Monstee Pops & Toons!

If you am reading this RIGHT NOW... then you must be me! Cause right now me am writing this and me always read what me write. So if me no mind, me would like to take a second and say "Hi Monstee! How me doing?"

NO! Me will no distract me from getting out post the am long over due and making Monstee mad for not working out.

In case you am blind, me will now describe what you may have missed at top of this post. It am big pulsating rainbow colored ever changing POP! If you am deaf, you have missed nothing. POP make no sound on itself. If you am not psychic, them me will tell you what it am for right now. It am to POP.

If you have no popup blocker then you already know that it generates popup window for our newest subsidiary of Monstee Inc. If you have popup blocker then you don't. Me guess that you could click on pop and get popup window... but probably not. Not because you am fist person in history of internet to WANT to get popup window... but because me think that clicking on it am still blocked by popup blockers. It am shitty generator. Me guess me just not into this whole "tecnose" stuff to do popup thingy right first time. That why me not been posting so much lately. Me trying to get stupid think to work. Oh well, at least me still have Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn (p.p.) and the new thing me not ever post about.

HAHA!! You clicked it!! Me made you click it!! Now you see the popup window!!! HAHAHA!!! Wait, no? You no click? Oh... OK. Guess you not gonna know all about pops of a king.

HAHA!!

But things am working over at the Blunt Cogs site. Like the new button! Like the new button? Me am the only one in the WORLD to have one cause me make it meself. Me was thinking about offering it to them over there... but then thought no. If anyone want it just email me and me send you code for it, that way me know who am visiting cave and who am not. If few people want it... then me put it up over there. We see. For those of you who not care to visit Blunt Cogs or want to know what it am all about before you go.. look at this!! Yup, that me. Me am imortalized in 3 panel format. How cool am that? No, really?

International Monstee of mystery

Well, me have been trying to come up with really good posting for cave recently. Since me outed evil spawn a Satan last post me have actually tried starting several new entries... but either the interweb pixies am mad at me or the world wide net trolls am hungry cause either way all them postings have either gotten eaten by editor just before me was going to save them (causing me to decide if me really want to go and try to remake nice 2 1/2 hour post of just throw up paws and curse until me feel better) or the nice little neat do-dad do-hicky thingamajig who-ha whatzit me was going to add to post just not work right (causing me to decide if me really want to go and spend another 2 1/2 hours trying to get code to work right of just throw up paws and curse until me feel better). Guess what shit me did?

Me have had somethings work out though. Me have been helping out with ideas and artwork for new Internet Comic Strip called Blunt Cogs.
It am really funny strip put together by some of our friends "across the pond." Me not sure what pond they talking bout but me think them guys and gals am from strange far away places like Ire... ton, and Scotsdale... and... and... Eng.. el... burg... yeah, Engelburg. Something like that. Engelburg Humperdink! They good guys... NO! Chaps! Chaps, they all good chaps... or blokes. Chaps or blokes... what the HELL am the difference? HOW YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!?! It am like them people have different work for EVERYTHING!!! And it not even make no sense! Over there... they smoke fags! FAGS!! And if they make mistake, they use rubbers!! HAHAHA! RUBBERS!! We use rubbers to AVOID mistakes!!! ...and keep feet dry. OK, that weird, but still. AND they got birds over there! Me know, we got birds over here too, but they talk to theirs. They talk to them and try to date them. ME NO LIE! But now, stop and think... We date birds over here too, we just call them chicks! See? We not so different after all!! ...oh screw you! Me like em so me going to welcome em to cave with open arms.

'Ello boys! 'Ello ladies! Me am Monstee! Welcome ta me cave. 'Ow's a trip over? 'Ope ya warm enough. Fancy a pint? 'Eres a moldy box o porn for ya ta sit on. Let's 'ave a drink shall we. If ya don't wants ta chat, feel free ta 'ang in the shadows. Me wont mind and if anyone says different, then 'e's a right lying tosser and can bloody well naff off and kiss my ass!!! ARSE!!! ARSE!!! It's arse right? Arse? ...Or bum? WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE FOR FUCK'S SAKE?!?