Get Ready Coggers!!!!

Hoo Boy do me have news!!!

Me will try to make this short, but here am the facts as me have gotten them.

1) Me am Monstee.

2) Me have many friends.

3) Some of me friends no like to comment, but prefer to just IM Monstee with they thoughts and stuff.

4) One of me new IM buddies works as accountant at Entertainment Magazine.

5) She say it am dull job, but one of perks am that she get to see early test issues before they hit the streets.

6) She got new test issue full of fresh good stuff and in there am article that look like this!

7) She get excited about what am in article and she rush right out and make scans for Monstee.

8) Why? Because in article am little blurbs about fun and cool thing on the internet and what am fun and cooler than...Blunt Cogs!

9) Like me said, me friend am accountant and know much more about taxing and spending than she do DPI and resolution.

10) Since it am hard to read, she include what the little bit of text say...

Cogs in the Machine

Blunt Cogs
(www.bluntcogs.blogspot.com) is more than just your average Internet Cartoon Strip. Here we have an international group of bloggers (Belgian, Scottish, American and Internet Monster) who have decided to humble and debase their fellow bloggers in graphic form. The strips are rude, crude and regularly contain language that would make a sailor blush, but it’s all in good fun and often relevant to the many discussions going on in the blogging community. If you’re ever in the neighborhood, feel free to drop by. Comments are welcome from all and strip ideas are accepted from anyone proven worthy by hanging around for a while.


We getting press boys and girls!!! Me friend say she let us know exactly when and in what issue article am comming out in. As it am only test issue, so it may get pushed back month or two before it come out.

Check back here for updates!

Musical 8 Ball

ok, so Smacky ripped off sombody and Kate and Grrface ripped him off and now me am ripping ALL them off and if you wanna be kool like us, me suggest you rip me off and do this real quick on you blog. All the hip kids am doing it!

What you do am open you favorite computerized music player (ipod, itunes, whaever), set it to shuffle, and then ask each of these questions. Have Fun!

What do you think of me, itunes?
It must be love - Madness (Now that am nice!)

Will I have a happy life?
King of pain - The Police (Fuck.)

What do my friends really think of me?
Chemical Warfare - Dead kennedys (Me am NOT on drugs!!!)

Do people secretly lust after me?
Go Speed Racer Go! - Sponge (Hey! What that suposted to mean?)

How can I make myself happy?
Closer to God - NIN (...now we're back to fuck. Guess me need some churchin up.)

What should I do with my life?
Psychotherapy - Ramones (...ya trying to tell me somthing?)

Why must life be so full of pain?
Big Me - Foo Fighters (You calling me fat?)

How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
Remove Bones From Face Before Inserting In Hot Bird - NDI (if me had a dime for every time me thought of that...)

Will I ever have children?
Bizarre Love Triangle - New Order (That kinda makes sence in a way...)

Will I die happy?
Under Pressure - Queen (...ok, fat AND stress filled...)

Can you give me some advice?
The Futures so Bright I Gotta Wear Shades - Timbuck Three (Finally, somthing good!)

What do you think happiness is?
Get Down Make Love - NIN (Maybe there am somthing to all this!! Me like!)

What's my favorite fetish?
Jerkin' Back 'n' Forth - Devo (NO!!! Random chance!! That all it am, just random chance!!)

I Monster - Part three

“But do we really have to kill him?” asked Kim. The tiny Le Car sped along the back roads of the Flemish countryside. It would be dark soon and Doctor Maroon was probably driving a little too fast for this vehicle.
“Believe me Kim, there is no other way.” The doctor never took his eyes off the road ahead.
“It’s just that we’ve know each other for so long. All that time at university and he never showed any signs of being anything other than just…” Kim searched for the proper words to describe his friend.
“You have to dissociate yourself from that right now my friend.” Doctor Maroon managed a stern glance but quickly returned his eyes to the road. “This thing we are going to deal with is not the friend you knew. It’s called a kludde. Essentially a water spirit that has taken up residence inside your friends body.”
“Then can’t we drain it out or something?” Kim reached out and braced himself on the small dashboard as the little car managed a sharp curve at high speed.
“This isn’t something you can evict… hold on!” Doctor Maroon slammed on the breaks and the Le Car ground to a stop on the dirt road. “There is no way to expunge this thing while the host is still alive. If we had more time we could try to trap it for study.”
“But…” Kim already knew where this was going. He looked out the windows and saw they had entered a large wood and the sun had just set behind them. Darkness was creeping in.
“But we don’t have any more time. You know as well as I that he is on to us. He’s severing his relationships and responsibilities and will be moving on soon. If we don’t deal with him now we run the risk of losing him. We can’t let that happen. He’s too important. Headquarters says he may be one of the leaders or at least… an inspiration of sorts.”
“Of sorts…” Kim trailed off with a yawn.
“You didn’t sleep well on the flight, did you?” asked the Doctor.
“No. I don’t like leaving my family for this long. I worry about them.”
“Here, take this,” Maroon said holding out a large pink tablet.
“What is it?”
“Something to help. It will sharpen you up and keep you alert. Makes you bloody invincible is what it does.”
“Is it safe?”
“Yes it safe! Who’s the Doctor here? Chew it up and it will help you with your worries. You know you really have nothing to worry about with your family. Headquarters has surly issued them a replacement.”
“Replacement! What do you mean replacement?” Kim asked.
“Haven’t you read the briefings I gave you? They explain everything about that. How headquarters helps keep our personal lives going while we go out on missions… You did read them didn’t you?”
“I tried. But I fell asleep. I met to say something, but we’ve been so busy about this mission since we met up again. Wife straightened them up. I found them the next day but they were all black and falling apart.”
“They weren’t processed for her DNA,” said the doctor nodding.
“What’s this about a replacement?”
“Not to worry. It’s a clone basically. Looks like you, acts like you, filled with all your memories, but totally conditioned to stay within restricted parameters. And best yet, if you should get hurt, he’s a complete set of full spare parts. Saw one of mine in action once. Found him to be, rather charismatic.”
“How charismatic?” Kim asked with a worried tone.
“How do you mean?”
“Well I mean… do these restricted parameters pertain to… He’s not going to get…. charismatic with the wife is he?”
“Oh, no. No. No, not at all. Completely conditioned for total impotency. Not to worry. Starts with a headache, moves on to stress from work, bad backache, excreta. If the wife gets too aggressive, she’ll find him cowering in the lavatory.”
“What?!?!”
“Not to worry. When you get home, give her some flowers and make a nice showing in the bedroom. She’ll feel better about herself for having cured you. Now let’s get the gear ready.” Doctor Maroon climbed out of the car and removed a bag from the back seat as Kim sat with a worried face and chewed the pink tablet.
“I have to say that I don’t understand the items you requested on that list you sent me,” said Kim as he too got out of the car and removed his bag. Both men opened their bags and Kim removed the group of seemingly unrelated items. There was a neck brace, two small pillows, two twenty pound weights suitable to be placed on a small dumbbell, a large quantity of raw ginger, a large role of industrial duct tape, and a black hoodie.
“Brilliant! Now lets get you ready.” Kim put on the neck brace and stood with both pillows under each arm, high into his armpits. Each weight was place under a shoe and all five items were securely taped into place. Doctor Maroon helped Kim into the hoodie and the ginger was divided up, half into each pocket of the hoodie and half into each pocket of the Doctor’s trench coat.
“But I can hardly move!” Completely made up, Kim appeared to be some kind of lurching muscle bound hoodlum.
“Did you take the tablet?” asked Maroon. Kim nodded as best he could. “Then you will have no problem when the time comes.” Now the Doctor returned to his open bag and removed his items. The first was a small black rectangle with two small silver prongs sticking out of one end, and the second was a long wooden cane.
“That’s it?” asked Kim. Maroon smiled as he checked the rectangle and polished the silver head of the cane. “That’s it? A stick and a stun gun?”
“Well, technically it’s not really a gun. You have to touch them with it. And this stick as you call it…” Just then the unmistakable sound of chains rattled in the darkness somewhere behind them. “Go, now, into the woods,” hissed Doctor Maroon.
“Fuck off,” said Kim. “I’m not going up against some creature tied up like this when you only have a stunner and a walking stick! I’m getting back in the car.” Try as he might, Kim simply could not bend his body enough to get a hold of the small cars handles.
“You’ve got to trust me Kim! It’s got fresh batteries! You took the tablet! Now go!” The Doctor walked to the far side of the road and motioned for Kim to move. With a worried sigh, Kim lifted his weighted feet and the two of them continued into the woods separately.


After several minutes the sound of the chains grew louder and Kim ventured a look behind them. What he saw made his blood run cold. Slowly moving up the road behind them was the largest black dog he had ever seen. It was larger than the Le Car it was now passing and walking on his hind legs. It had a massive amount of long dark hair growing all about its body and a huge main around it head and jaw. Long chains hung from its bulk and drug along the ground making the noised they heard. The creatures yellow eyes were focused directly on Kim.
“Oh shite,” said Kim. He quickly turned and began a lumbering run deeper into the woods.
“Slow down!” yelled Maroon. “The faster you run the faster it follows!” Kim tried to glance over his shoulder as he ran, but the neck brace made that impossible. As he turned back he nearly ran into Doctor Maroon.
“Look!” shouted Maroon. The stunner was in his had and with the click of a button the reverse side or the device acted as a torch and shot a beam of light on the creature. Kim turned to see the big yellow eyes of the creature dilate as it stopped advancing. Suddenly the great dog leapt high into the air and transformed into a great and horrible black bird. Its screech was deafening and the chains it carried rattled as it flapped its wings and flew away.
“My god,” said Kim. “It got away.”
“Are you worried?” asked Maroon, backing away.
“Not any more. Why are you…?” Kim’s question was cut short as several sets of great chains shot down from above and wrapped themselves around his neck and arms. Interlaces with many of the chain links were small, razor sharp, grappling hooks. These hooks would surly have torn the flesh from Kim’s body and opened up his jugular vain had he not been protected by the pillows and neck brace. Instead, the hooks simply dug into the tape and material and began slowly lifting Kim off his feet. “Doctor… help!!!” yelled Kim. Luckily, it seemed that the creature had misjudged Kim’s weight and needed more chains to do the job properly. Before more chains could be sent, Doctor Maroon grabbed Kim’s legs and gave a great heave. Kim landed on his weighted feet, but took a good deal of the force in his knees. The pain was intense and completely distracted him from the fact that the chains that were still attached to him were now utterly slack. With a loud thud, the creature landed right in front of them. This was no dog. This was no bird. This was a three-meter tall monstrous black cat that was drooling hungrily. The drool ran in rivulets out of the mouth and through the mass of great dark hair that encompassed the head of the animal. Kim was speechless. Seeing that this was what was on the other end of the chains, Kim without thinking reached up and tried to pry the chains from his body.
“Sorry about this Kim.” Doctor Maroon, standing directly behind his friend, knew he would never reach the creature in time. He took the stunner and purposefully touched the chain at Kim’s neck. His finger pressed the button.
“Tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic…” went the stunner. Kim and the creature began to shudder. Maroon kept this up until the creature began to foam at the mouth and Kim’s bladder failed him. The Doctor released the button and the two fell to the ground. Putting the stunner away, Maroon walked over to the beast and twisted the handle of the wooden cane. Removing the hidden sword, he jabbed the blade into the neck of the creature. Blood, bile and brackish water began to fountain from the wound. The effervescent blood began to hiss and foam on everything it touched. The rank smell was overwhelming. Maroon removed the chains and drug Kim away from the growing mess. Slowly the creature began to change. It changed into a man. A man with dark hair and a full beard, dressed in a comfortable suit and chiffon tu-tu. Maroon propped Kim up to see.
“Is that your friend?”
“Yes. It was. Oh, I’m going to throw up.”
“Here,” said the Doctor, removing the raw ginger from the pocket of the hoodie and holding it under Kim’s nose. “Didn’t expect it to smell like Chrysanthemums did you?” He began to remove Kim’s protection.
“Why’s he wearing that pink thing?” asked Kim.
“I thought you might know.” Holding his own ginger under his nose, Doctor Maroon rolled the body over and venerably removed the garment. Kim was on his feet, but bending over with his head low and ginger close.
“Hey Doc,” Kim said. ” I think the tablet is wearing off. Thanks for that. I never would have been able to do this without it.”
“That was antacid I gave you. You did it all yourself.”
Kim sat down again. “Headquarters may need to see this,” said Maroon holding up the tu-tu. “We may need to make a little side trip.”
“How little?” asked Kim.
Little did Kim know that with in forty-eight hours they would be in the United States, drinking coffee and splitting a donut.

I Monster - Part two

One of the blips on the map went out. It was a lonely little blip, having had to live alone in its section of the world for some time now. Now that it was gone, there were no other blips around to morn it’s winking. Only the viewer noticed it go. He knew exactly what it was. It was the last blip in Scotland.

In the darkness of the cave, the light of the monitor glared about and gleamed off the slightly yellow, off white fangs that now protruded upward from a frown of blue hair. Things were not going well. These were no ordinary bloggers. They were smart, and very stupid. How long could they expect to keep up this charade of being nice when virtually everyone knew what was going on? What was their plan? It made him sick; sick and excited to be apart of it.

Slowly the taste of bile rose up from an over active stomach and tickled the taste buds with a hint of slimy, over salted rhubarb, long past its prime. It was a taste of anger mixed with excitement, frustration and used food. It was an all too familiar mix. Frankly, the sensation reminded its owner of that time, years ago while biking through France, when he had Frenched a drunk French slut who had just vomited and not told him. The gall of that Gaul!

Warnings were needed now more than ever. Instructions had to be given. Responses were needed. Conformations of messages received were in short supply. Software was opened and images were created. Three panels of information, agonisingly flippant perhaps, but the coded messaged had to remain hidden from the wrong eyes. If the wrong people knew what he was up to then the entire thing might escalate too quickly and the unthinkable could occur.

The Internet was connected to and the images uploaded. That was when the most recent images created by the others were encountered. They were downloaded and the panels analyzed. The coding matrix was advancing exponentially, and the decoding process was becoming more and more difficult. This last series was decoded to either one of two messages.
“Continue tracking and informing of locations and specific details and directions,” or “The scholastically sour fist am squashed by the haggis parasite!” Either made perfect sense. So which one was correct? A slight profanity was yelled.
“Crap!” an echo replied. ”Rap! Ap! Ap! Ap!”

**********************

She opened the bedroom door quickly, stepped inside and closed it just as quickly. Pressing her back against the door, she reached down with knowing fingers and pressed the button, locking the door from this side. She breathed deep and let go with a huge sigh. Motherhood, ugh. This was not one of the good days. This was one of the days where she wondered if it was all worth it. Did she make a mistake years ago and throw away what could have been a life with strong potential?

She felt out of place. She felt alone. She felt overwhelmed and unprepared for all this. She felt stressed and just wanted to shriek and scream and yell until her vocal cords gave in. That wasn’t true. What she really wanted was just a long bath and one long hour to herself where so many people who clearly took here for granted weren’t pulling her in every direction. One hour when she didn’t have to do for others and only had to do for herself. One hour where she could just relax and let it all go.

She moved from the door and walked into her bathroom. She turned on the light and looked at the face in the mirror. Every flaw was visible, whether it was there or not. Future flaws were planned and old age was mapped out around the eyes, lips and under the jaw. She picked up a hairbrush and began to brush her long red hair. Even this seemed flawed today. Split ends were so much fun.

This wasn’t working anymore. Maybe she should go home. Return to her real home. It had been years here, but back home she was not sure anyone would even have missed her. She could just up and leave without telling anyone and just file this all away as a failed experiment in life. Once she was back home she could reconnect with her old friends and perhaps get her old position again. But could she deal with that life either?

She put the brush down and slowly, thoughtfully reached up and began digging under her crimson locks at the scalp on the back of her head. The flesh parted and she triggered a sub-membrane that released its enzyme and her entire scalp sloughed off. She looked at her self in the mirror again and now, with the hair gone, she somehow looked older still. She continued the process and kept digging at the skin at the base of her neck. Here a grove soon appeared and she once again rubbed the wet underside. A seam appeared along the back of the skull and she pulled the skin around to the front of her head and removed the entire dermal layer of her head with one big sucking sound.

Once again she looked at herself in the mirror. She saw her thin neck, her slight skull, pencil thin mouth and small slits of a nose. Her gray skin was somehow less appealing than she remembered, but what bothered her most was her huge almond shaped eyes that stared back at her so vacantly. Somehow, she had gotten use to eyes of any size blinking. Yet she knew these never had and never would. She studied herself so coldly that it soon began to frighten her. This was no longer her. This was simply a beginning she had left behind years ago. It was nothing she could ever go back to. No matter how bad her life may seem sometimes, it was hers. She had made it and ultimately, she loved it and almost everyone in it.

She glanced down at the hair and skin in the sink and saw that they had begun to foam up and liquefy. She quickly reached up and opened the mirror. Reaching into the medicine cabinet she found the hidden latch and flipped it. The cabinet slid aside and a view screen appeared behind it. A green line of light ran alone its length. The line jumped and spiked as a computer voice spoke softly.
“Voiceprint identification and password recognition please.”
“Llgzahow,” she replied. The screen fell away and behind it was a small compartment of strange and wonderful things. She quickly moved aside the stun wand and antigravity belt and removed the tube of insta-skin and hair growth gel, along with her mold and tinting kit.

From somewhere deep within the house came the sound of a child demanding the attention of its mother. She hurried the process along and was just preparing to submerge her head in the mold when the demanding became urgent.
“Just a second, sweetheart!” she yelled back. “I’m fixing my face!”

I Monster - Part 1

It was dark. This dark was darker than normal dark. The dark was that kind of dark you could only get with the complete absence of light. Had a hand been there to put in front of your eyes, which also would have to have been there, it would not have been seen. All was black as pitch. Silence filled the air. It was not a complete silence, but rather the kind that was periodically broken by the sound of a drop of water dripping into a shallow pool. Drip. Drop. Daroop! Had any of the living things that crawled, skulked, oozed or slimed about the walls and floors had anything remotely like a sense of smell you could have related too, they would have smelled a smell of damp, muddy, moldy rot. The temperature was nice and the humidity a bit high, but if one was not subject to an easy chill, it was quite comfortable. Believe me, there was absolutely nothing there you would have wanted to taste anyway, so we’ll just leave that out all together.

Slowly rising from the deafening silence of drips, drops, skulking and sliming came the unmistakable sound of bumblebee slippers filled with hairy, heavily clawed paws shuffling along the stone floor. All of the creepy crawlies in the area quickly made a beeline to nowhere in particular as the shuffler made his way, huffing, puffing and grumbling into the area. With and abundance of profanity, misusing of pronouns and slight lisp from an extremely bad under bite, this individual deftly reached out and pressed a button.

The glow of the monitor sprang to life as the hard drive began to spin and the system software began loading. Soon the entire cave was awash with the artificial light bouncing off the computers user and tinting the place with a slight hue or blue. The pupils of the two large eyes shrank to pinpoints. One great claw began rummaging through a pile of old fast food bags, pizza boxes and animal bones, while another paw grabbed a mouse and raised it to a gapping maw of teeth. With one last squeak, the mouse was swallowed, tail and all, and a paper cup half full of water was soon to follow. The water was cool, being the remains of ice, and still retained a hint of Dr. Pepper. The lid and straw were tasty too.

The claws began tapping away on the keyboard in front of the computers screen. Soon the modem was engaged and the Internet connection made. Then followed the mandatory minimum time of cursing and despising dial-up while the proper web pages loaded on the screen. Posts were read. Links were followed. Comments were checked and entered where deemed necessary or warranted. Things seemed to be going nicely.
The imagoes were uploading fine and there was every indication that everyone concerned was viewing them, but it was hard to tell. The coded messages were extremely complex. One false word or misplaced beard could collapse the entire foundation of what he was trying to build here. He was sure about some of them; had suspicions about others. Most importantly, he knew about the hunters. He knew about them and knew that they knew about him, and the others. He only hoped that they did not know he knew they knew and he could continue to warn the others about what he knew and knew they knew.

Hopefully, in time, a gathering could be agreed to and a plan of action could be discussed in person. Until then, death loomed around every corner, and he had top keep the hunters from knowing it would soon be looming for them.

**********************

The two men met at the waters edge, next to the great loch. They nodded as shook hands.
“Doctor.”
“Kim.”
“Glad you could meet again. Did you manage to acquire the missing ingredient?”
“Indeed.” The doctor reached into his trench coat and removed a small brown rectangle with a smaller red light protruding from its top. “And do you have my… little request?”
“Yes. The interface is pain in the arse, which is why I suggested another meeting. I suggest you let me run things with this.” Kim removed a laptop from under his arm and opened it. The screen lit up and a strange program began loading. He sat the computer on a nearby rock and reached into the hidden pocket of his trench coat. A smile crossed Dr. Maroon’s face as Kim removed the small, remote control submersible.
“Brilliant! You do good work my friend.” The doctor stepped forward as Kim held the tiny craft in front of him. He was amazed at how exactly it matched his schematics. Carefully he opened the compartment on the side, removed the two red wires and attached them to the light on the small brown rectangle. As the tiny light began to flash, Dr. Maroon placed his package into the compartment and closed the door. Kim ran a finger over the seam, sealing it tight.
“The micro sonar equipment you supplied at our last meeting worked perfectly and I bought the engines and remote system at a local hobby store as you suggested.”
“Was payment a problem?” asked the doctor as he took the device from Kim and walked toward the water.
“None at all. The card was accepted without question.” Kim reached into his coat and removed his walled. The doctor saw this and waved him off.
“Keep it. That’s your copy. If we are to continue this, you will need your own access to the funding. Just try to keep the expenses reasonable and explainable.” With that, Dr. Maroon threw the little ship into the water. Kim jumped a little with the splash. “Not to worry!” laughed the doctor. “It’s completely stable not triggered by impact.” Kim retrieved the laptop and soon both men were studying the screen.
“Here is the most recent satellite photo of the loch. I’ve overlaid the position of the package here as well as included its GDS coordinates here.” A small white dot began to blink on the edge of the loch photo. “Here is the sonar imaging from the craft and numbers of the relative size and distance for any object we focus on.”
“Simply brilliant!” replied the doctor. “Move it off this way, would you please, and drop it to about 3 meters from the bottom.”
“You know where it is?”
“Not specifically. But there is a shelf down there that leads to an under water cave system. We suspect it’s a nesting area.”
After twenty minutes of crisscrossing the area, a large blip appeared on the sonar screen.
“It’s huge,” exclaimed Kim.
“And moving fast. Can you keep up?”
“For a time. But it will drain the engine battery. I can get a little more if we drain it from the ignition battery.”
“No, no. None of that,” stressed the doctor. “Just catch the bloody thing and prime the package.” Kim’s fingers flew across the laptop’s keys and the distance number grew smaller and smaller.
“Package primed and ready. We seem to be about half way to the front of it. We will be running out of power just as it enters the shelf area.”
“No we won’t,” said the doctor calmly. “Charge the package.”
“Really?” asked Kim. “Surely you’d like to do the honors.”
“No. Any man who can protect his family and stand up to the Cusith as you did deserves this. We brought you in because of that. If it wasn’t for you, we might never have found that green furred bastard. I was allowed to kill it and his entire fairy mound. You get this one.” A huge smile sprang to life under Kim’s beard. He moved his finger and pressed return.
Suddenly a huge section of the loch about half a kilometer long and two hundred meters wide exploded and erupted thirty to forty meters into the air. The sound was intense. Kim and Dr. Maroon gathered their things and hurried down the shore.
“This is just the beginning Kim!” shouted the doctor. “With your help, we can rid the world of every bloody monster there is!” Moments later the chunks of flesh began to rain down on the shore.