I Monster - Part five
“Josh, I’m home!” Sarah tried hard not to flounce into the apartment with the mail, fed-ex box and videotape she had stolen from work, but her mood was good and she was feeling superior. As she removed her keys from the door and entered the apartment, her foot kicked something and an empty jar of crunchy peanut butter went rolling across the floor. “You asshole!” she yelled, her mood darkening a bit. “We can’t afford to buy peanut butter every other day.”
She sat the mail (bills) on the kitchen table and put the box under her arm. She examined the videotape. She had snatched it in the elevator while taking the tapes for processing and since then there had been no real time to examine it. It looked just like all VHS tapes, but the logo on the label showed the silhouette of a great hulking, hairy beast centered in concentric circles and marked by red crosshairs. It was from ‘Bigfoot Hunters’, a local group of Mother Nature’s camera nuts that were out to prove the big guy existed. This particular tape, and several pictures that came in with it, supposedly depicted and extremely clear shot of one walking by a small lagoon in the large swamp outside of town. The photos were nothing to worry about. The were taken with a cell phone or digital camera and had so much purpling around the head, arms and crotch that they totally looked photoshopped. The main reason she kept the job at the TV station was to pilfer any genuine or truly outstanding proof that the Sasquatch existed.
She turned and walked into the living room with the box under her arm and eyes on the tape until she reached the back of the couch. She could hear the cartoons on the TV. “They got you again,” she said looking up. “You have to start being more careful. You…” Sitting on the couch amongst the empty bags of chips, boxes of cereal, cookies, pasta and the last of her mothers home made strawberry shortcake, was a nine foot tall behemoth of a person resting his seventeen inch feet on the coffee table. He was nude, but covered in long, brown hair from head to toe. He was not exactly pin headed, but the top of his head was definitely steepled far above his face and he easily took up space on the couch for two people. He dropped the tube of crab paste he was sucking on and smiled at her, showing off the fact that he was hairless from his jaw to his cheeks, including his sideburns.
“Did you shave for me?” she asked smiling. “Josh, that’s so sweet.” She leaned down to kiss him and with a one great swoop of his massive arm she was in his lap, her face covered by his lips. He smelled like a wet dog that had been rolling in nacho cheese and strawberries. All things considered, this was not as bad as his old necrotic taste in snacks. Some people had a sweet tooth; her boyfriend had a corpse-rot tooth. Josh seemed to always know when an animal or pet in the neighborhood was going to die. His sense of smell was deadly and when an animal died within half a mile of the apartment, Josh would drool uncontrollably until she let him go get it. You can take the scavenger out of the woods, she thought, but you can’t make him stop eating dead things. At lease he stopped bringing them back to the apartment to keep and roll around on. People didn’t call them skunk-apes for no reason. When Josh first moved in they had to fumigate and go through several flea baths. After the first one he threw such a tantrum that it seemed impossible to get him to take another. Now at dip time he just sulkily sits on the couch watching cartoons, but when he wants, he can still throw a pretty good hissy fit. Like with the hair loss.
“Air!” she giggled pushing his massive head away from hers. She took hold of the huge hand that was currently running itself up and down her body and turned it over to examine it’s back. It was hairless. Good, she thought. Electrolysis would work, but they were going to need cases of salve and skin cream when they moved on to the rest of his body. Until then, maybe she would just make him start wearing a kilt and pass him off as a big hairy Scotsman. Josh seemed to know what she was thinking and jerked his hand away. He had not enjoyed the procedure that had left his hands so hairless. She reached up and stroked his face, comforting him. It was electrolysis for god’s sake. It wasn’t as if she was asking for repeated bouts of trepanning. When most of the hair was gone from his body, they could then try to dye the rest or at least keep it tinted a more human color. They would try, but her fear was that they wouldn’t be able to hoodwink a blind person.
She grabbed the hair on the both sides of his head and pulled him down for more kissing. He began to susurrate that deep sound in the back of his through that was almost a purr and she felt his desire begin to poke her in the small of the back. Now this was a great way to come home from work. Little did she know that when they first met at Lollapalooza many years ago this would turn into a real relationship. She had only expected it to be a one time, drunken, super exciting, sex thing, but here they were engaged and once again she would be walking all wibbly wobbly the next day. As he stood, easily carrying her in one arm, she pointed to the fed-ex box on the floor. “Get that first,” she said between kisses. He retrieved it and she opened it as he carried her to the bedroom. What was inside killed the mood instantly. “Put me down. I have to pack. We have to get out of here NOW!” The contents of the fed-ex box were made far too large and would never congruently match any part of the human anatomy, but the meaning was clear. Josh put her down and she dropped the package. One of its contents fell to the floor. As Sarah rushed about the apartment franticly packing, Josh stood torpidly looking at the giant ballet slipper.
She sat the mail (bills) on the kitchen table and put the box under her arm. She examined the videotape. She had snatched it in the elevator while taking the tapes for processing and since then there had been no real time to examine it. It looked just like all VHS tapes, but the logo on the label showed the silhouette of a great hulking, hairy beast centered in concentric circles and marked by red crosshairs. It was from ‘Bigfoot Hunters’, a local group of Mother Nature’s camera nuts that were out to prove the big guy existed. This particular tape, and several pictures that came in with it, supposedly depicted and extremely clear shot of one walking by a small lagoon in the large swamp outside of town. The photos were nothing to worry about. The were taken with a cell phone or digital camera and had so much purpling around the head, arms and crotch that they totally looked photoshopped. The main reason she kept the job at the TV station was to pilfer any genuine or truly outstanding proof that the Sasquatch existed.
She turned and walked into the living room with the box under her arm and eyes on the tape until she reached the back of the couch. She could hear the cartoons on the TV. “They got you again,” she said looking up. “You have to start being more careful. You…” Sitting on the couch amongst the empty bags of chips, boxes of cereal, cookies, pasta and the last of her mothers home made strawberry shortcake, was a nine foot tall behemoth of a person resting his seventeen inch feet on the coffee table. He was nude, but covered in long, brown hair from head to toe. He was not exactly pin headed, but the top of his head was definitely steepled far above his face and he easily took up space on the couch for two people. He dropped the tube of crab paste he was sucking on and smiled at her, showing off the fact that he was hairless from his jaw to his cheeks, including his sideburns.
“Did you shave for me?” she asked smiling. “Josh, that’s so sweet.” She leaned down to kiss him and with a one great swoop of his massive arm she was in his lap, her face covered by his lips. He smelled like a wet dog that had been rolling in nacho cheese and strawberries. All things considered, this was not as bad as his old necrotic taste in snacks. Some people had a sweet tooth; her boyfriend had a corpse-rot tooth. Josh seemed to always know when an animal or pet in the neighborhood was going to die. His sense of smell was deadly and when an animal died within half a mile of the apartment, Josh would drool uncontrollably until she let him go get it. You can take the scavenger out of the woods, she thought, but you can’t make him stop eating dead things. At lease he stopped bringing them back to the apartment to keep and roll around on. People didn’t call them skunk-apes for no reason. When Josh first moved in they had to fumigate and go through several flea baths. After the first one he threw such a tantrum that it seemed impossible to get him to take another. Now at dip time he just sulkily sits on the couch watching cartoons, but when he wants, he can still throw a pretty good hissy fit. Like with the hair loss.
“Air!” she giggled pushing his massive head away from hers. She took hold of the huge hand that was currently running itself up and down her body and turned it over to examine it’s back. It was hairless. Good, she thought. Electrolysis would work, but they were going to need cases of salve and skin cream when they moved on to the rest of his body. Until then, maybe she would just make him start wearing a kilt and pass him off as a big hairy Scotsman. Josh seemed to know what she was thinking and jerked his hand away. He had not enjoyed the procedure that had left his hands so hairless. She reached up and stroked his face, comforting him. It was electrolysis for god’s sake. It wasn’t as if she was asking for repeated bouts of trepanning. When most of the hair was gone from his body, they could then try to dye the rest or at least keep it tinted a more human color. They would try, but her fear was that they wouldn’t be able to hoodwink a blind person.
She grabbed the hair on the both sides of his head and pulled him down for more kissing. He began to susurrate that deep sound in the back of his through that was almost a purr and she felt his desire begin to poke her in the small of the back. Now this was a great way to come home from work. Little did she know that when they first met at Lollapalooza many years ago this would turn into a real relationship. She had only expected it to be a one time, drunken, super exciting, sex thing, but here they were engaged and once again she would be walking all wibbly wobbly the next day. As he stood, easily carrying her in one arm, she pointed to the fed-ex box on the floor. “Get that first,” she said between kisses. He retrieved it and she opened it as he carried her to the bedroom. What was inside killed the mood instantly. “Put me down. I have to pack. We have to get out of here NOW!” The contents of the fed-ex box were made far too large and would never congruently match any part of the human anatomy, but the meaning was clear. Josh put her down and she dropped the package. One of its contents fell to the floor. As Sarah rushed about the apartment franticly packing, Josh stood torpidly looking at the giant ballet slipper.
Labels: I Monnster, Other Bloggers
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