You People Still There?!?!

Me good friend Kim make comment recently. He point out them whenever me slip away from me postings for whatever reasons, when me get back and say me am back me then go away for long times and it not really like me am being back at all. ...well, that not really what him comment like, me am paraphrasing. Paraphrasing? Am that right word? Am that where you take not what they say but what they mean and say it in other ways? If it not, well then that am what me am doing and that am what me mean when me say paraphrasing. Like if me say... Footeater Safetinspector Dr. Maroon Anonymous want to turn gay for me, that am just paraphrasing for that one time they comment and say "Good one Monstee!" (Note: they never really comment that, me was just paraphrasing.)

Anyway, back to me point. Me point am that Kim have point! Me do do that! (Note: What me mean am that that am what me do, NOT that me am paraphrasing that me shit on that or anything. Me would never use 'doodoo' as paraphrasical for shit like taking big hairy crap on something!) And although me agree that that am real doodoo kind of thing to do, me am in no way going to apologize for it. Me am victim of IRONY!

Yes, irony. Irony have raised it's ugly head and seen that me was posting bout it not too long ago and decided to do something bout it. It wait for me to get tired and take short break, then when me come back it help GOD take big monumental fart all over me surrounding village area depriving me of power. THEN when me say me am back it fuck with only dialup server in me area so me no can connect. (Note: YES me us dialup! Me live in fucking cave!! Me lucky to have emanates at ALL.) Me could have used server outside me area, but them me would have had to pay long distance charges and all that and... Well... You know how me feel bout you internet... But if me pay then that would make you filthy whore, or at least more of filthy whore than you am, and me just not want to be responsible for that. So after server get back on line me come back again and me get semi reasonably bad terrible slight case of horrible food poisoning and THAT lay me out for days. Then friends come from out of town.

OK, so this am all beginning to sound like sad case of excuses, but it truth! There am forces at work in world that am keeping me away from you loving glow, internet! It am true! You no be that way baby. You knows me loves you! So, am me saying that me am back? HELL NO!

Me am Monstee! Me am making irony me bitch now! Me come and go as me please and you LOVE it! You continue to check in at cave and giggle at me witty little scribblings! You continue to live you life vicariously through mine! You continue to bask in glow of what it am to be Monstee! No make me get me pimp stick after you! You am so transparent. You can no live without Monstee. When me eat roadkill, you want roadkill. When me talk about cave, you wish you was here.

"Oh please Monstee! Please. We can't go on with our puny and insignificant lives without knowing what you're currently up to." SUFFER POPE! All you get right now am that me am not all way feeling better and you am DAMN lucky me am posting at all! Whenever me go to relieve meself, me have explosive diarrhea so bad that me threaten to launch meself into orbit on stream of loose stool! Jealous? Yes you am. YES YOU AM!! Shut up!!

Last two months have been bad to us internet. Me have missed you too. So spray some of that numbing stuff in back of you throat and get on you knees and we see if we cant make September better month.

No promises.

Tornados suck! ( or ) This Place Is A Disaster Area!

Ok... am it better to say that tornados blow? Whatever it am... it not nice.

Now, before you guys get all you panties in bunches, we all ok over this way. ...and YES, technically it no really a tornado. Oh, we had the massive bad weather, the two fronts clashing together violently, the smashing rain, the 235mph wind... just no funnel cloud. Me guess that on this end of tornado ally, weather front on top that want to get down no wait on making funnel to do it, but just said 'Fuck it!' and came down all at once.

Me am thinking, of all places me could have been last week... of all me cave openings me could have been hanging out at and currently living... why me pick middle America? The bible belt? The heart land? You know why they call it the heart land, don't you? Cause the brains not there!!!

Well kids, me wish me could tell you all that me looked the great wind in the face and stood me ground. Me wish me could tell you that me was very brave and battened down the hatches and protected everything that needed to be protected. Me WISH me could tell you the thanks to me valiant efforts and quick running round me single pawedly saved all articles and properties of me and me family... but me didn't. Me slept through it all.

When me awoke from me little nap (woke up by sound of three story oak tree snapping in two outside and taking out power lines) everything was about over. So me had time to look out window, see what was going on, say F word couple dozen times and get pets deeper into cave. What me see? hmmmm... How to describe it....

1. It was raining sideways!
2. Clouds was racing each other in me backyard at about one third the speed of sound!
3. Nine out of ever ten trees was broke. Not out of money broke, but missing they limbs, trunk snapped in half or pulled out of ground and knocked over on they side in very untreelike way.
4. The wind was making strange noise. Not the "shhhhhhh" that make you go "Ahhhhhh" on hot summer night. Not the "oooOOOOOooooooOOOOOo" that make you go "WooooOOOoo" on Halloween. NO, this was more like "OWAHOWAHOWAHOWAH" that make you go "WHAT THE FUCK AM THAT?!?!"

Me missed most of the good stuff. Like the stuff flying by the window; the cow, hen house, old lady knitting in her rocking chair, two guys in the rowboat and Miss Almira Gulch riding by on her bicycle. It was over soon and we was all pretty lucky in our little village. VERY few people had any real damage to they housed, but trees am a different thing. All over they was busted up REAL good! The city park am closed until further notice. Poor trees. We lost yardfull ourselves, but hard part was living without power... for almost A WEEK!!! NO POWER!!! FOR A WEEK!! You know what that means!

NO POWER!
NO TV!
NO COMPUTER!
NO INTERNET!
NO VIDEO TAPES!
NO DVDS!
NO HOLOGRAMS!
NO ELECTRIC STOVE!
NO LIGHTS!
NO COMPUTER!
NO AIR CONDITIONING IN 90 DEGREE WEATHER WITH AS MUCH HUMIDITY!!
NO MICROWAVE!
NO FANS!
NO COMPUTER!
NO ELECTRIC GUITAR!
Me can no play... but still...
NO RADIO!
NO MUSIC!
NO MUSIC ON THE COMPUTER!
NO COMPUTER!
NO REFRIGERATOR!
NO FREEZER!
NO ICE!
NO COMPUTER ON ICE!
NO ANSWERING MACHINES!
Phone was working fine.
NO FAXING WITH THE COMPUTER!
NO INTERNET!
NO INTERNET PORN!!!

So you see me life have been hell. But me made it back am what ever no kill me only give me something to really bitch about to others! Me know it going to take me some time to get around to reading all you blogs and getting up to date and all, so just no think me am snubbing you for no commenting like usually do.... or never do it you one of them blogs me just read but no comment on...

YES! ME AM A LURKER AT SOME BLOGS!!! WHAT OF IT?!?!?! Oh, like you really care! Pull the other one! How many comments am me gonna see that am along the lines of "Where am Monstee?" "How come Monstee been so quite?" "Did Monstee fuck off again or what?" ME know how many. About as many as concerned Emails me get. 0 you fuckers!!

Yeah, me love you too! "Oh look, there am Monstee dead in the ditch. Hmmmm, me could spit on him, but no. Me NO WANT TO WASTE IT!!!" YOU CAN ALL GO TO HELL YOU... you...

Me sorry. It just been so long that me started ranting at first thing that come along... you. Me need to vent me hate. Me gotta get started on Blut Cog about all this.

Later Kids!
XOXOXO