And another thing!

If you reading this now, then chances am that you been to cave before. And if you been to cave before, chances am that you something about Monstee and his rantings. And if you know anything about Monstee and his rantings, you should know that he rant most about advertising that piss him off. And if you know that he rant most about advertising that piss him off, then you can assume there am reason he am bringing it up now. And if there am reason he am bringing it up now, you can guess that it am because he am going to rant about it now.

SO! If A imply B and B imply C, then A imply C and therefore if you am reading this now you can guess them me am going to rant about advertising that piss me off. See how logical that am? See how that make sense? Why not logic like that be used in these dang commercials that litter up our TV and stick they filth in our minds? Tonight we start with...

Tender, juicy, premium boneless pieces of 100% chicken breast, marinated and breaded in our special seasonings and fried to crispy, golden perfection. It's no bones, all flavor.

You see it? You see what piss me off? Me got no problem with it being boneless. Me got no problem with it being wing. Me got no problem with it being 100% breast meat...

mmmMMMMmmmbreastmeat...

NO! You no distract Monstee with sexy talk of boobie yummy yums! You am liars! You lie and nobody call you on it! Well not no more! Here am Monstee! Me say what need to be said. How am you boneless wings made of breast meat and STILL FUCKING WINGS!!

THEY AM NOT!!

Boneless wing am wing that have no bone, but it AM STILL WING!! All you do am cut up breast meat and CALL it wing. Unless this am special chickens we talking bout. Am this special chicken? Am this magic chicken? Am you all down at KFC labs working on new special magic mutant chicken we need know about?!?!
"Quick! Call the Colonel! We just developed a chicken that can flap and fly with it's TITS!!" NO! That no happen and that am no happening NOW! You am just liars trying to pass off tiny chunks of breastlets dipped in sauce as fucking wings!! THEY AM NOT WINGS!!! HEY! Hey, you want me order bunches of them? Yeah you do. Me tell you what... Me will order all you got in fucking restaurant and you let Monstee pay with me money. Me money am made from 100% used toilet tissue you ASSHOLES!! FUCK YOU! Call wing, wing and call breastlet chunk, breastlet chunk!!!
"Oh gee. I don't know Bob. We need a hook to get chicken to sell. These chunks of breasts will never fly. They're no bigger than a wing. At least they got no bones. Heyyyyy.... Let just call them wings! Boneless wings!"
NO you fucking dickface! These wings am made out of breast meat? Could be try to push any more stupid fucking idea down public gullet?!?!



AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!
FUCK YOU PIZZA HUT!!! FUCK YOU!! It am NOT lasaga pizza!!! Know why? NO LASAGA!! Lasaga am lasaga because of fucking LASAGA NOODLES!!! If you take lasaga noodles out of baked lasagna and put in... oh me not know... say... ziti noodles. You know what you get? YOU GET FUCKING BAKED ZITI!!! THE NAME COME FROM THE GOD DAMNED PASTA YOU DUMB SHITS!!!

What you got here... OH! Pizza crust, beef, marinara sauce, three cheese.... WHERE THE FUCKING LASAGNA?? That not lasagna pizza... THAT EVERY PIZZA!!! FUCKING CRUST, SAUCE, MEAT AND CHEESE!!! THAT JUST FUCKING PIZZA!!!

OK...ok... me will give you something like Alfredo pizza, mainly because it have fucking Alfredo sauce on it and ALFREDO NOT NAME OF THE PASTA!!! OH! OH! Look! Me invented spaghetti pizza! Know what it have on it? FUCKING CRUST, SAUCE, MEAT AND CHEESE!!! Oh look! Mostacholi pizza!! FUCKING CRUST, SAUCE, MEAT AND CHEESE!!! WOO HOO!! Ziti pizza!! FUCKING CRUST, SAUCE, MEAT AND CHEESE!!!

No, no... no... no. Me in mood for something simple. Some old standard.. like... sausage pizza. You know what am on that? FUCKING CRUST, SAUCE, MEAT AND CHEESE!!!

You fuckers!! Please! Do me favor. All you Pizza Hut idea geniuses go over to KFC labs and find them fucking brainiacs and you all go dance ballet. Yeah, get you dicks out and shove them up each other asses. Then yank em out and chili-wip face of guy next to you. End it all with nice case of salad tossing and lethal Asphuxiation and THAT AM ballet!!! Ballet with 100% sodomy!
Enjoy you advertising fucks!

3 more things

A) Can you believe it? It took over year to do but we got our first help out on The Bear Story!!! This am unbelievable!! Help am old friend and newest cave dweller DNA Vibrator. Me & DNA go way back to commune me use to live in in old college town. Them was back in the 80's and me wish me was going to collage at THAT time. But oh well, me was still there to see the young kids rise and fall in they greatness. DNA V just starting him own blog. You all be nice now, he newbie at all this. Him blog have some good tweaking to do, but he already posting some good music from after days when Monstee move on and give up bohemian lifestyle and move into life of big city corporate day monster. Anyway, DNA V am one of them renaissance avatars that got paws... er... energy tentacles into little bit of everything. And we am LUCKY that writing am one of them. There am NO dust on The Bear Story now kids! Who gonna be next to pick up the gauntlet? If me get one more... then me will do one.

2) Me recently got some email from person who remain nameless asking if it be alright if they put link to cave on they blog site. NO, it not DNA Vibrator, it... Well, you not need to know who it am. Point am, they was nice enough to ask cause they got impression that some people find they humor offensive. First me thought is so nice of them to ask... then me think, what me care what other people think of you blog? Why you wasting me time with this lady... er man... er... ladyman? Yeah! You wanna link, linky! What me gonna do? Tell people you offensive? You know they already KNOW that!! And what? ME am type of monster that not want me cave linked on that kind of site? ME no care! Me tell them to link away! Everyone, if you want link away! Sure, me think they am offensive too, but that no reason not to get link out of it. Me tell them that too! Me say them am offensive, rude, crude, sarcastic, bit sadistic, and me firmly believe you am single handedly setting parenthood back to some time before dark ages!! Very fact that they ask me to be associated with people like them seem to imply that maybe they assume me am or might be somewhat sympathetic, understanding or actually ENJOY so called "witticisms" and "humorous writings" they pollute Internet with. Me do. Very much. But because they seem to have bad press already, me not going to say who them am. Me just going to say that it anyone want to link to me, go ahead. Let me know and me just might link back to you too. Me told this person me would. ...in completely unrelated issue along same theme, please note me have two new links in me link list. DNA Vibrator and Fat Sparrow

d) In comments of me most recent posting at Blunt Cogs, SafeTinspector comment and ask...

12:08 AM, September 19, 2006, SafeTinspector said...
Monstee, how the fuck do you do this shit on your 486DX over a dial-up AOL connection?!?

Me just want to say... 486DX? ME WISH!!
Me DREAM at night of what me could do with 486DX. Me had to build me own math coprocessor out of leaves used gum and smiting me coughed up after licking contest at Mexican restaurant on tequila night! Me not sure you all understand. Me mouse am REAL MOUSE!! No get me wrong, me no torcher poor little mouse. It dead when me get it. Me just one who put little ball in its guts and attach tail to extender and connect to system. It not called Macnrock for nothing. It am big hollow rock with shit in side of it! When me say me am using stone knives and bearskins... me am literally using stone knives and bearskins!! How do me do it??? HOW??

Me am
Monstee!

3 things

First off: To everyone who have been emailing and IMing me about me current state of technological impairedness, me would like to thank you all for you concerns, but me do know what me am doing. After all, me am Monstee. There am reasons why me am running such old, dilapidated and possibly haunted software. Biggest reason am because of me old, dilapidated and possibly haunted computer. Another may be complete lack of money me currently am holding for a friend. While me have that, it am hard to update me hardware so it can accommodate any new and shiny and fucking huge ass needing disk and RAM space to run software. Until me can do something about it, me think me am doing pretty good with what me got, thank you very much, but until you am living in cave and logging on to internet using stone knives and bearskins please no be telling me what me should do to overcome some of me problems. Me probably have been down that path and you am just wasting our time.

Next: Me good friend SafeTinspector has inquired about one of me other side projects "The Bear Story." Me call it me side project cause it am project me am involved and it has link over there on side of blog. Me looked the whole thing over and realized it and the intire back of cave needed major overhauling. Me overhauled it and now me think it am more self explanatory. Feel free to help out, but if you no can be troubled to find link on right... here it am.

Lastly: Why the FUCK do me even try to use ANY of the "who links to me" type sites out there on the web? They no work! Me found out on me own that me was mentioned in posting by Fat Sparrow! Me would LIKED to have commented, BUT NO! Me didn't know about it and... Well, me was busy too. Footeater commented. He warn her that me am devil himself. (that's just cause he secretly fancies me.)
Anyway... It seem the Fat Sparrow have two year old that am currently in love with me. That not surprise me cause everyone who come to cave am in love with me... except for... you know who.
Anyway... as for me moving in with them, or little one being shipped here... we need to talk more about this first. Me am Monstee. Me need me dank. But FS, if you am ever about cave again and need to put little one to sleep like last time, feel free to sing him this song.

Me no usually post song lyrics at cave, but me know that me have people getting here looking for them so me got them and present them to be used instead of lullaby. If you am interested, these guys am linked under me MUSIC heading. Go to they site and buy them CD's. They am great!

The New Duncan Imperials
(Oh my God we're...):lyrics

Hey guys!

Did you ever get that urge to go out on a Tuesday night, when you know beers are cheap and everything's looking your way? So you head out to the corner bar and you have yourself a couple of beers cause their only fifty cents on Tuesdays even though it's Old Milwaukee you don't care because their cheap and their flowing. You're at the bar drinking and watching some MTV on the big screen behind the bar, watching all the latest fads of the day, when a girl at the end of the bar is sitting there drinking vodka cranberry gives you a little bit of an eye and then you drink yourself a couple more glasses of courage and give her the eye and go over there and maybe say "Hey, wanna dance?" She's like "OK." So she starts dancing with you to the new Modern English song 'I'll stop the world and melt with you' and your having the greatest time of your life cause she's dancing with you and she looks pretty darn good. After the song's over you head of to the bar and you drink yourself three more of those fifty cent beers and you feel even better. And she wants to dance some more to that new REM thing that's really happening now days. So you're out there dancing and you're moving and you're swinging and everything kinda happening but then it's two o'clock and the bar's about to close and you're like "Oh MAN!" So you go "Hey, you know I could drive you home. I know you live in Lincoln Park, but you know that's not too far from me, I live in Rogers Park and they're... not too far." And she's like "OK." So you take her over there and you find a place to park even and she's says "Why don't you come on up? I go cable." and you go on up. And you start watching the Discovery Channel where they're showing lots of elephants and giraffes and that makes you feel really sexy! And then all of a sudden it's like twenty minutes later and you're an inch from her face and you think to yourself...

Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
La De Da De, La De Da De, Da!

Hey girls!

You ever go to work out at the health club and... you know... kinda try to lose a few pounds off your ass because you thinking maybe it's looking a little big lately, and you're like working on that exorcise bike trying to slim down your butt, and you know, jumping up and down on that stair thing and doing a thigh thing and a calf thing and all the things you gotta do to make your things look that way you want them to look. So you're working for about an hour and a half just chuging away, working, moving, sweating, stinking and getting everything happening. And that's about enough you said "Hey! Hey hey, that's about enough." You head over to Chi-chi's and, you know, have yourself a tequila sunrise, maybe a couple of chips from the bar, whatever, salsa's always pretty good. So you're over at Chi-chi's and you're... drinking and... kinda sitting around... watching ESPN and watching people eat the natchos with the cheese sauce. And you decide 'Yeah, I'll have another drink. Sure.' "How about a tequila sunrise, sir?" and he gives you one and there's this bartender, he's a pretty hansom guy. He's... got stone wash blue jeans, a white shirt buttoned up all the way and his hair's kinda greasy and combed all the way to the right. Looks pretty good to you! So, yeah... you know, give him the eye and he gives you another drink and he doesn't even charge you for that one. And you're sitting at the bar, you've had three tequila sunrises, that's enough to make you kinda giggle a little, and you have one more while you're just like, all of a sudden, just real talkative and talking to Carl behind the bar, that's his name. And all of a sudden, you know, Chi-chi's is closed and Carl's like "Well, let me give you a ride home," and you're like "OK." So, Carl takes you in his car and gives you a ride home and... he... decides to come on up and sit on your couch with you. And all of a sudden, it's ten minutes later, Carl's a half inch from your face and you think to yourself...

Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
La De Da De, Da De Da De, Da!
Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
La Da Da Da, La Da Da Da, Da!

Oh my god...
Oh my god...
We were.... fucking.

Look what Me dragged in!

We got new kitty crawling around cave thies days.

Although he am still a kitten, he am 9 1/2 feet tall and have head that am about 3 feet across. He have claws that can puncture gas tanks and eyes that set things on fire. He am pretty good natured most days and LOVES to have his head rubbed. But if he ever run at you sidewasy that am deamoncatspeak for "You am about to loose limb."

His name am

But we all call him Scruffy.


OH! And to person who find cave by serching for "new duncan imperials - oh my god we re lyrics" me found some for Haze Mix and put them in Back of Cave.

Later kids!

Getting back in the saddle am chaffing me ass!

Since me was barely here for like two months, me have lots to catch up on in lots of you blogs. Two months worth for some of you. Now me am doing me best, but it can some times take me several nights just to get caught up on one blog and then me am even more behind in some of others!! It am slow process, but me am getting there.

It would really help if those of you me have not caught up on would just stop blogging for while and give me chance to catch up. Me not saying you need to get kicked in head and go to hospital or anything, but me am sure you could come up with something unique that am all you own. You could try kicking someone in head and going to jail for while. Concentrate on that novel and spend few weeks in drunken, depressed state contemplating bull fighting or something. Give up on this high tech world and spend some time living in big tree and relieving youself on people who pass by. Go on Big Brother. Go on Big Brother and relieve youself on people who pass by. See how many weeks you can live in spooky graveyard. (Keeping in mind that you may want to find big mausoleum to live in and you be relieving youself on those that have passed on.) Spend some time at beach. (The fish be relieving themselves on you.) Take kids to Disneyland/Disney World/Euro Disneyland. (Park be relieving you of lots of money.) Get kicked in head and go to hospital. (Relieve youself in bedpan) Have youself really big storm and lose all power for week. (You be relieved when it comes back.) Enlist in military and punch out you drill sergeant. (You get relieved of duty. (Not to be confused with getting relieved of doody.)) Join cult. Go back to school and quit after four weeks. (Unless you work there in which case just start relieving youself on you students until school ask you to take some time off and then you can pick something else from list before you go back.) Get arrested for beating up prostitute. (Because when you asked her to relieve self on you and she did you was really talking about taking nap in you arms GODDAMNIT!!) Read long series of books and relieve youself while you read. Exorcise more and relieve youself while you jog. Spend more time with wife/kids/husband/Paramour/Pet/Neighbor/Neighbors pet/TV/Sex Toy/Toilet. Enter coma and relieve youself while you sleep. Visit dairy and see how milk am prepared. Start you own lemonade stand (NO! With REAL lemonade you sicko! Not everything have to do with relieving youself!). Go spelunking and relieve youself underground. Go skydiving. (Me think you know where this am going...) Bake erotic cake of young woman relieving self. Patrol ocean beaches looking for people with jellyfish stings so you can relieve their pain by relieving youself on their sting. (This really works!) Hit blogger "Next Blog" button and read entire archives of blog and make comment on every entry no matter how old. Or just take short break... Whatever.

Thanks!

So far, so good.

Well September am in like... What am September in like? Hang on while me google this.

If you need something to think about while me gone, think about this. You ever notice how every nickname for female breast am always palindrome? Think about it. Boob. Tit. Hooter... er... Hooteretooh! ALL of um! Think about it! BRB.



OK, that am March. NO, the noun not the verb. NO, September am not in like March! Well, me guess it could be... depending on where you live, BUT THAT NOT WHAT ME TALKING ABOUT!! NO! March am the month where you go about saying it am in like this and out like that and me just want to know what about the other fucking months, huh? Why for they no get ins and outs like March? So far me September been pretty good, so far. Me would say September am in like... oh, me not know... A sleepy cat? Yeah, that good enough. You going to have to wait for end of month to find out how it go out for me. IF me tell you at all. Me can still tell many of you am still thinking bout the gazongagnozag thing me mention earlier. FINE! OK! Me was wrong! YOU HAPPY! Now, can me get on with me posting? Me think this am not the time to be talking about breasts, cushions, blinkers, handles, busts, jungle knockers, bodacious tatas, gedoinkers, bahama mammas, tits, winnebagoes, bust, hooters, cans, balloons, dairy section, jobes, bups, gams, headlights, baps, titties, cup cakes, brown suckies, jiggers, melons, bazookas, highbeams, knobs, bosooms, jalobes, casabas, bazooms, grenadoes, hinyackas, boobs, tatas, dirty pillows, bazoos, hogans, itty-bitty-titties, boobies, chest cones, jugs, honkers, beamers, golden bazoos, bombs or tig bitties.

Then again...

Later guys! Me off to google some images of... stuff. You wouldn't be interested. Me never mention it before.

:]