Monstee's Cave

What would Freud think of this shit?

2008-04-04T05:44:00.002-05:00

So first question am...
What it take to wake Monstee from him hibernation?

1. Am it screams and yells from hims hundreds and thousands of screaming and yelling fans? No. Me am Monstee! Me am not to be screamed at! If you want screaming, me give you screaming!!

YAAAAAAGHHHH!!! YYYAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!
HOOT HOOT!
BLABERBLABERBLABER
BLABBERBBER!!! SCREEEEEEEEESSHHHHHT!

There, me think me make me point.

2. Am it many and many more emails and comments from peoples wondering what me up to and when me am going to post again cause them am getting tired of checking same old blog site and seeing noting posted? No. But me have heard you and me am feeling you up. Me too am also not type of person who like same things as me just said excepting feeling up part. But for now me am getting you off for later and plan to post stuff just for you in near future. Good for you?

3. Am it because some VERY SWEET, nice, intelligent, kind, Mega Cool, kissyface, effervescent, quirky, funny, lovable, flirty girl offered to send me topless pic of self if me post? Well if me really thought me would get one me would say YES! YES!!! 34-48 C-DD TIMES YES!!! But by topless me expected pic of her with her head cut off or something. Also, me not log on to get offer till it like over weeks old and stuff. Me going to be discreet and not say who make offer, but me go on record and say me would still be VERY interested seeing her angrygrrboobs.

4. Was it cause me was actually blessed with comment from one and only El Barbudo? Dark man on campus? Evil spirit of global village? Guy on side of road with chainsaw of Internet highway? Man who put bile in biloney? ...no. Me was honored, but if me was going to point out that him no posts but twice year, well that would be like dick calling cunt harry.

5. So was it mixture of everything that touch me heart and drag me to keyboard so me could express me love and warmth for all you who stick by me even when me not there for you to stick by but me still think of you and have warm and fuzzy feelings for you and wish me had more to say so we could just spend more time together cause even when when we apart for few seconds it seem like much, much longer???

No.
What blog you people been reading? Me am Monstee! You love me no matter what me do! Me could go years no posting and you sure as hell keep checking and be damn glad for privilege of doing it. No. You am nothing to Monstee's need to post. You am just kings ear for which me am poring poison of truth! That am right! If me am only one going to do it, then let it be me! Me let it slide last year and it go away on its own. But now it am back.
"What? What am it?" you ask!
Taco Bell Cheesy Beefy Melt!
DUN DUN Daaaaaaa.....

Me wait second and let that sink in.

You know where me going with this right? If so, just sit back and enjoy, it not....
SIT UP AND TAKE NOTICE PEOPLE!!
Ad for this thing am.... Well.... It am.... GOD! Here, look at it youself!
God Forsaken Ad
NO, no. You go see. You need to see before we go on. Me be here when you get back.

Did you see that?!?! DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!!? Am that not most horrific piece of subliminal horseshit you ever see?!?! OH Me GOD!! Do me REALLY have to point this out to some people??? REALLY?? Some of you am really THAT thick headed that you no see it?!? OK.... Lets start at beginning...

First, ok, me give devil him due. They am using REAL song "I'll Stop The World and Melt with You" by Modern English. Thank you for not rewriting lyrics like you so often do you pig fuckers, er.... Me mean advertisers. Me know you could have had some sound alike band singing something like:
"We'll stop the world and melt for you.
You've had burritos and there getting better all the time.
There's nothing Taco Bell wont do.
We'll stop the word and melt for you."
But you didnt. No. You just took lovable song from 80's and used it for hawking fast food cause it have word 'melt' in it, right? Yes you did! But let me tell you somthing.... Nobody want to eat food that melt WITH them! That am just... Bad.
It be like...
"Hey, let me take a bite out of this new thing. mmmMMmmmm...
Well I must say, that's quite OH MY GOD! ITH MELGING INGOO MY FLETH!!! GGAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!"
No, me not REALLY have problem with sound of ad, it am imiges. Let's take look.
Here am lady waiting for train. Don't THAT seem like good place to stop for bite to eat? ...place full of soot, grease and noxious fumes in air.... Hells Yeah! And here am young man, eating and starring off into.... What, space? ...the sky? ...her? ...anyway what am with that zombie type look in hims eyes? He just realized what he am REALLY doing, right? Do me really have to say this? LOOK AT PICTURES!!! That am not averts for fast food!
THIS AM MONEY SHOTS FOR FOOD PORN!!!
Look! LOOK!! Here am fifthly rich couple eating Taco Bell, like we know ALL RICH PEOPLE FUCKING DO!! And here am their... What? ...burned out, goth, junky, dried up, skanky, prostitute daughter. Am they really enjoying good food at reasonable prices? NO! THEY AM TAKING CHEESY FACIAL CUM SHOTS FROM ERECT TORTILLA COCKS!! Me can NOT be only one to see this!! LOOK!!! Here are two guys. Am they thinking "Hey. We may be to superfans from opposing teams, but we can both enjoy a cheesy treat." NO!! They am thinking "Fucking good Blow Job dude! I'm glad we can still look each other in the eye." And here!!! Look! LOOK!!! Has any shot in history of TV advertising ever screamed more for title
HA HA HA, JIZZEM UP THE NOSE!

Hey fucking NAMBLA, here am you interracial poster!!! Me refuse to believe nobody else sees this. LOOK!! Just look! Now quick, what do them symbols mean. Really! NO!! They mean

DEATH COMES QUICKLY AND LOOK AT THE SIZE OF MY DICK!!!

Do they REALLY think we am so stupid?!? OK, so just in case you haven't noticed or you am some kind of inbred twit who happened to have stumbled across active computer and got here by randomly pushing buttons...
THEY GIVE YOU SHOT FROM YOU CROTCH!!! LOOK! There's you junk! There's you spooge. There's you fantasy gay bad-boy lover looking longingly into you eyes cause he knows how you feel and loves you as much as you love it! GET IT? NO? Little threatened? OK! Here am ANOTHER crotch shot. SEE!! There am you man meat!!! There am you baby batter!! There am you teenage prep school baby-sitter fantasy girl looking lovingly into you eyes despite fact that she can no relate to getting knob bobbed and she no really like doing it, she do love you and like making you feel good and tolerate mouth full of pimp juice. You see it now, RIGHT?!? Ending REALLY bothers me. Here we pull out with crane shot while our bad/gay/boy and vigin/girl/whore both end up spinning in middle of street. They lovingly look into each others eyes and spin while both holding on to they own version of you love muscle with thick strands of pearl pudding lead to they mouths... AND NOBODY GIVES SHIT!!! WHAT FUCK DO THIS MEAN??? THEY AM STOPPING TRAFFIC TO SUCK ON CHEESE FILLED BURRO DICKS AND SHOOT LOADS OF CHEDDAR SPERM INTO THEY MOUTHS AND PEOPLE JUST STAND AROUND AND WATCH!!! What kind of sick shit am that?
Hey people! Get the Taco Bell Cheesy Beefy Melt and it will be as just good as getting sucked off in some inner city public sex show.

Hey ad-men!! Next time you need commercial for this product, just show 3 minutes of young girls kissing each other while guys shove food up they buts!

Die.

An open apology to all concerned.

2007-09-25T15:23:00.000-05:00

Me would first like to apologize to me mother. Me know me was not easy hatching and me feel as if me have never given her proper thanks for all she did for me. Me am sure that keeping nest clean and warm, turning me over every so often and keeping me shell safe from predators was not all that easy. Me especially want to apologize for constantly saying me got laid before me could breath.

Me would next like to apologize to me sister for all names me use to call her in me youthful frustration. Over years me have been given opportunity to meet many more people to whom them names apply and me find that me was mistaken in me youth and she was not nor am now biggest or worst of any of those bad names me called her.

Me really must apologize to Mrs. Hilyard and me middle school English class. As we all know it am hard going through puberty and sometimes boys can no control what they bodies do. Still, me should have tried herder with me textbook that fateful day me was asked to stand and spell "obligatory." Me also must apologize to what ever maintenance man/men/women/woman who cleaned up glass and blood and repaired broken window. Sorry bout mess guys. Me many thanks go out to Dr. Soenstien for all hims help with Mrs. Hilyard's hysterical blindness, Dr. Chillders, Ph.D., for her counseling me class mates, me family for supporting me in me tough and awkward times. Special thanks to Dr. Fox for changing what could have been worst day of me life into just horribly embarrassing circumcision.

Me did not have best of times at prom dance. Me want to apologize to everyone who encounter me there. Me am sorry me misunderstand and showing up in suit of real, dead, rotting monkeys. Me realize now me was in error and am sorry. Me thanks to me family for standing by me especially to me date for being so understanding and letting me grab her butt during all them slow dances. You were so helpful after prom with getting me out of "Monkey suit" so quickly. Although me did not realize at time what you meant by "My god, it Am true..." me still must apologize for jumping up on top of car later and screaming "ME WIN! ME WIN!" Me realize now it was not race.

Finding money for college can sometimes seem impossible. Me just have to apologize to National Association for Advancement of Colored People. Me am sorry for calling you all big bunch of predigest hypocritical bigots! As monster and not people, me guess me do not qualify for scholarship. Me am sorry. Thank yous all around to all members of National Association for Advancement of Colored Monsters for supporting me and guiding me during that time. Me could not have made it without you and constant love and support of me loving family, especially monetary kind.

Me am very sorry and extend whole hearted apology to all members or National Association for Advancement or Colored Monsters, of which me am founding member. Me am so sorry for not allowing anyone else to ever join up, ever. Me was in very bad mood at time and wanted everyone to feel as bad as me. Again, sorry bout that and thanks to all you family members who may have supported you though them tough times.

Me would personally like to apologize from bottom of me heart to United States Drug Enforcement Agency for personally increasing consumption of marijuana in America 28.9% during me college decades. Me must also add apology to North American Marijuana Distributors Association for any embarrassment me may have caused them by constantly depleting they stock. Me am truly sorry. Me am not sure what me was thinking at time, me not really remember to much. Me thanks to me dormmates, roommates, commune members, Night Soil Coolies, Shaffers, Miller, Old Style, Milwaukee's Best, Southern Comfort, Peppermint Schnapps and some other people for helping me through them tough years, but not me family as me was keeping them totally in dark bout this back then.

Me would like to apologize to me entire Biochemistry class. When professor say she not give out good grades unless we "bone up on our basics" me did immature thing and stood up, grabbed me crotch and asked if me could get good grade if me let her "bone up on this right here." Me am sorry. It was childish, stupid and me had no idea at time she would take me up on it. Me now know me just should have paid for exam answers like rest of you. Me would be remiss not to thank all me study buddies whiteout whose strength and notes me could not have made it through and me family for stand by me and some dope whores me forgot to thank in last paragraph.

To all girls in Theta Beta Pi except "Underbite Betty," me am sorry for making you break you "purity pledge" with me "if doesn't count if you only do this way" argument. Turns out it DID count. Me apologize to you, you brother fraternity Chi Delta Iota for insuring they never go any except from Betty and to Betty for missing her pinning as Most Popular Girl at frat. Me very special thanks and appreciation goes out to me high school sweetheart for not finding out about any of this and continuing to give me all her love and support and strength and understanding until we both matured and she became me ex-wife.

Me have never had much luck at work. To Fred's Fireworks, Gunpowder and Matchbook Factory, me am sorry for all flood damage. To Bob's Water Tank, Aquarium and Extinguisher Warehouse, me am oh so sorry bout all fire damage. And to Plain Brown Wrapper Adult Video, Appliance and Book Store, me apologize for being thirty-seven seconds late that one day. Me know Monica say it OK, but it forever hang in me head as weight of sorrow and me forever seek way to make amends. Me would like to thank me family, fire department, numerous brands or tissue and fire department for they constant support and speedy arrival when needed.

Image most beautiful woman you have ever seen. So beautiful and sexy that you just can't help but want her more than you have ever wanted any other sexual partner. Now imagine she am in front of you and wants you too. Now imagine she am make of wood. Not like carved out of wood, but sort of made in lines of grain of wood with knotholes in all right places. Me would like to apologize to phone company for having sex with one of their telephone poles. Description above am in NO WAY excuse, but rather explanation. And to staff and students of Ms. Shmits Daycare and Preschool who just happen to be located next to sexy, wanton, dirty little pole, me am sorry for any inconvenience me may have caused with "picnic milktime." Me would like to tank me legs for getting me out of there so fast after me was finished and screaming and crying started. But no one els cause really nobody else did squat.

And lastly for now me would like to apologize to me readers for not posting as often as me should. Me seem to have become something of hit and miss poster nowadays and many of you am upset by this. Me am very sorry but me can get very busy doing other things and it am sometimes hard to get back. Again, me am sorry. Me would like to thank me readers for their strength and being so understanding in these rough times. Me would name you all, but by now me think you know who you am.

comment on comment

2007-08-21T01:55:00.000-05:00

In recent comment to one of me posts....

SafeTinspector said...

prop comedy is almost as bad as ventriloquism and both are worse than mime.
Now you know where my comedy hate wheel lines up.

Bad - mime
Worse - prop comedy
Shit - ventriloquism

So by you logic Safe-t...

Mimes that mime prop comics doing ventriloquism...
am not NEARLY as bad as them...
Ventriloquists who's dummies am prop comic mimes?

Personally, me think worse am them prop comics who's props am nothing by ventriloquists who's dummies am mimes!

But hey, that me.
To tell truth, not all mimes am all that bad. Me LOVE Blue Man Group. Not all ventriloquists am that bad. Me like the foul-mouthed self deprecating ones or just plain bizarre ones... like... "pepper on a steeeeeck." And prop-comics, well... pretty much all of them am.... how you say... fucking stupid. One exception, The Amazing Jonathan! He am comic magic. Do magic count as props? Me think it do.

Monstee's mini-sagas

2007-08-17T01:16:00.000-05:00

Well kids, me got more of them little mini-sagas invented by Brian Aldiss that me learn about over at Footeaters. Now that Footeater am done with hims contest about them fun little mini-sagas, me can post ones me submitted.
Rather then keep directing you all back to old posts me did these things in before like here, here and here, me can now direct you all to me new collection in Back of Cave! In future, when me do more of these me will also post them there to keep collection up to date. As usual, if you like feel free to try them on you own in me comments. But please let me know if you do some other places cause me would really like to see them. These am really dark so brace youself and enjoy.

God's Wrath

"Armageddon!" he gurgled, on his knees vomiting blood.
Green bile streamed from his ears.
Ten feet away a young woman exploded sending bits of flesh, bone and gore flying.
A small boy doubled over and projected gallons of fecal matter everywhere.
I couldn't believe this. These were my new shoes!

Stray Cat

Mother watched daughter lovingly though the kitchen window.
The girl shuffled along and waited, allowing the tabby to get closer.
When the cat paused for too long, the girl offered an invisible treat.
They entered the kitchen together and gazed into mother's eyes longingly.
'Mommy,' she said. 'I gots dinner.'

Father Christmas

He rested his bag between tree and chimney, took a cookie, and quietly walked to the boy's room.
Finishing the treat, he smiled at the sleeping child.
This was a good boy.
He would say nothing.
The reindeer and deliveries could wait.
He dropped his pants and climbed into bed.

OH! Just in case you no go over to see contest at Footeaters...
Here am what he have to say bout that last one when he posted it.

Father Christmas: fucking disgusting Monstee penned this revolting and highly morally dubious squirt of literary excrescence, and caused me to mix my metaphors into the bargain. I felt sick posting this, and have to have a lye bath every time I read it. I'm tempted to email this story to Brian Aldiss and ask if he realises what he started. - Footeater

Me am so proud.

The 39rd of Monstemper!

2007-08-09T01:58:00.000-05:00

Ladies & Gentlemen...

Blueberry Top!

The 36th of Monstemper!

2007-08-05T05:52:00.000-05:00

or... Two Things.
Stupid sauce and me am begging to get me ass kicked

OK, so me missed few days... grow up and get over it. Ya know, you really should try to live life on you own without living vicariously through Monstee. But still... how can you? Me know, me know... calm down... it all right. Let we just get on with it.

If you no know how Monstee feel about advertising by now, then you am either new to cave or stupid piece of shit that can no remember to wipe you butt after letting you turds fall while you walk! Sorry, sorry.. me no mean to take it out on you. It just that them ad campaigns really REALLY get under me fur and sometimes me can no take it.

Like this one for A1 steak sauce. You seen it? One where guy am out tailgating with buddies and he ask them how they like they steaks and drips little bit of A1 on grill. Him and buddies look at little drip and him buddies say "No. No, dude. Let it go..." Then we see Mr. Grilling dipshit leaning in and next thing you know he am sitting on back of ambulance with bandage on him tongue asking "Ith my thteak Ok?" Me kinda wish me was there so me could say something like NO YOU DUMBSHIT! ME WIPED ME ASS ON IT AND LEFT IT IN PUDDLE OF PISS IN THE URINAL! YOU NO DESERVE GOOD PIECE OF MEAT!! YOU LICKED A HOT GRILL YOU WAS COOKING MEAT ON!!! IT WAS INCHES FROM RED HOT COALS!!!! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!?!?! But NOOOooooo... they just come back with product slogan. "Yeah, it's that good." How good? Good enough to make you act like a fucking retard?!?! No, no, no... most retarded people are STILL smart enough NOT to lick something that close to fucking FIRE!!! What stupid ad am this? 'Hey, eat our sauce cause it's so good you jab forks in you eyes just to get seconds!' FUCKIN' A!!! SIGN ME UP CAUSE ME WANT BUCKET OF THAT SHIT! 'No, wait guys! Get some of out NEW sauce and with one taste you want to rape and murder everyone around you regardless or gender!!!' WOOOHOOO!!! Give me KEG of that!!! 'Buy now and get bottle of our extra special limited offer super sauce! Just sniffing it makes you shit, piss, vomit, scream, pull out your hair, have seizure and die all at once!!!' FUCK ME SIDEWAYS WITH TWO BY FOUR!!! GET A GOD DAMED TANKER TRUCK!!!! Fuck you ad men! 'Yeah, it's that good.' Good enough to make us act like assholes? Go to hell.

On flip side, me guess not all ads am that bad. Me not sure how long this thing been going on but it seem that Always am advertising to women to 'Have a Happy Period.' And aint it bout time for something like that! Me god, this am the twenty-first century. You gals deserve something like that. Me glad you finally got it. ...not that me am all that sure what Always am... ...or what it sell... ...or that me WANT to know! REALLY! Ladies, that ok. You no need to explain. PLEASE feel free to keep all you womanly stuff to you woman's. Just let it be known that we am all happy you am now capable of having HAPPY period. Maybe now you get off our backs once and while. Me mean it not like we can really KNOW what you going through. It am just that we don't WANT to know what you am going through. We am out of loop and happy to be there. So, now that you can be happy too, we all happy. YEA! Good for all of us, and good for you being happy for change. 'After all, this is the time of the month that's all about you.' Well it'm you girl and you should know it, with each glance and every little movement you show it. Love am all around no need to waste it. You can have the town why don't you take it. You're gonna make it after all

The Turdith of Monstemper!

2007-07-30T23:54:00.000-05:00

It have come to me attention that new posts are only showing up after me post another new posting and then new new posting no show up. Me have reposted index and whole blog so me think this problem am fixed.

Now please feel free to go see big better posting me did yesterday. It am much thicker, funnier, have more bad words and all the nipples you could hope for! Just like me college girlfriend!

Enjoy.

The Teety Fine of Monstemper!

2007-07-29T23:44:00.000-05:00

Thank you for waiting. Now that all me equipment and dependents seem to bee working, we can begin.

If you not already read me last rant, please do so here cause all of this posting relate to it... and maybe others, but that am the important one that gots this bad feedback.

Dear Blogmaster,

I would like to express concern and disapproval of your blog 'Me am Monstee' and specifically the current posting regarding Lindsey Lohan.

First, I find it quite distasteful that you express your thoughts under the guise of a foul-mouthed muppet. Children like muppets. How do you think they would react to you and you use of four letter words? As a mother I know that all children are sponges and soak up whatever they are exposed to. I believe that exposer to you would definitely be a bad thing and possibly cause harm to their developing minds.

Secondly, in the posting regarding Miss Lohan you posted a picture showing her exposed breast. You should be ashamed of yourself and remove the picture immediately. Nudity is that last thing parents want their children to see on the Internet and you are only helping to perpetuate an already extensive problem. If you do not remove the picture, It is my hope that Miss Lohan's people take legal actions against you.

Lastly, although here in America we all share the rite to our own political beliefs, I find it appalling that you do not support your president, country or the troops that are giving their lives during a time of war. Regardless of what you may think, Bush IS our president and ARE in the situation we are in regarding Iraq and the middle east and we should respect and support our country and leaders in their decisions as well as the troops that have to carry them out as best we can. If you don't like that way it is, that is what voting is for, so we can change to way things are being run.

Please stop what you are doing now.

And do not bother responding to this email because I have set up for any mail from you to go directly to my trash.

A Monstee Rebuttal
(heeheeheehee..... butt.)

WOW! What comment from this ~~fucking mother~~ ~~mother fucker~~ concerned parent lurker. Me hope me have enough room to spit on her and vomit up bile in her face. So lets see how that go.

OK, lady, so why you no comment in Monstee's comments? Am you afraid that you am only one who think way you do? Or am you just type of person who take other person over to other side of room, make you snippy comments directly to them and then NO give them time to say anything back. You suck for that! But as me guess that you no going to come back here to see any of this, me can still make good postings out of you mouth turds. Me just pretend you reading this and respond to you points one at time.

First, what on gods green earth makes you think me am one of THEM?!?! Me am not one of THEM! Me am Monstee! Foul-mouthed, yes. Well hung, yes. Superior lover, yes. But NOT one of them. What? You just assume me am one of them? You look at Monstee and see one of them? You am racist lady! You am horrible bigot! How dare you assume me am one of them you ass me!!! Do you children like bigots? Am that what you teach them? For shame. How do me think they react to Monstee words? Me hope they think they funking funny! Maybe they think it am fresh breeze of down to earth talking that am no all that racist, bigoted, NAZI predigest that you spill out of you big fat gob! Me have tip for you lady. Kids am NOT sponges. That am you birth control you pulled out of you snatch!!! STOP TRYING TO TEACH IT ANYTHING BUT SPERM SOAKING!! You know all about that right? If you truly think me will cause them harm, then you are WAY bad parent for letting them get here in first place! When me hatchling go on Internet, me find out what she looking at first and say if it OK. Way for you to neglect you kid lady. Hey, here am tip for you if you can no take time to police you children, PASSWORDS. You know what them are right? You can use one to keep kids off Internet when you not around or use them with kid proofing what intent they do have. There am only bout hundreds you can use. And my tip for passwords am to keep it personal. For you something like 'stupidbitch' or 'dumbcunt' may work. It you think kids might figure that our, use numbers like, 'droppedonheaddringstanding69' or 'mrshitler2'.

Secondly, what nudity? It was simple nipple slip. If you am concerned about nudity, me suggest you do all that crap me said above and you stupid spawn never get to anything showing them something as fucking horrible and mind bending and vomit inducing discussing as human nipple. Sorry lady. It am not me responsibility to repress you children. Me have more free and open outlook to female form. Why, me used me own little hatchlings room to make Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn! So me guess you going to have to teach you own groinlings how filthily and nasty nipples are and make sure they want nothing to do with them or ANYONE who does! As for Lindsey's people... well, they have a hard time keeping her bodacious Ta-Tas under wraps anyway. It am true! When we was going out, she would have a booby bounce out all the time and me was there to try and stop the paparazzi

But, next thing you know she would turn around and one of them melon hoppers would roll out on the market floor, so to speak.

Funny thing was, it was almost always the right one. Me think that was the country nipple. No longer content with the home life, it wanted to get out and see the world. Go dancing and PARTY! But the left nipple was the city nipple. After a long day, it just wanted to curl up with good video and bottle of wine, maybe long bubble bath, and let everything slip by.

Truth am, most of Monstee's old girlfriends have problems keeping they shirts on. Like me old girlfriend Christina Ricci,

or me other old girlfriend Linda Blair.

And ESPECIALLY me most favorite old girlfriend (we still friends today) Adrienne Barbeau!

And lastly, fuck you sideways with big fat flagpole. Yes, America am a land of political freedom, but it am also land of free speech. So, by law me can say that it am me opinion that G.W.s presidential skills am about as tight as tweaked out crack whore after her fiftieth trick of the night. Me cannot and will not support such a man just because he holds specific office. Last me heard, declaring war without connect of congress was crime and just as bad as lying about blowjob. But nobody am doing nothing to Bush cause me guess that 100 men per month being killed am not as bad as the millions that died in the blowjob. And quite frankly, me am sick to death of all this 'Support the troops' bullshit. What exactly do that mean? Give them a shoulder and hug and tell them that me am sorry they gotta go do what they gotta go do? Fuck that! Me no want to do that. Me will stand there and tell them that what they am being ordered to do am wrong and me am sorry they have to follow lousy stupid and fucked up orders. Me will not and cannot support ANYONE who am doing something me think am wrong! And as for voting, well... with Bush in office it pretty much proves point that voting proves nothing. America sucks on so many levels and has far to many problems for the world power that it am. But, because it gives the freedom to say shit like that and point out the problems so they can be changed, it makes it one of the best.

NO! You will not stop Monstee from Ranting in him own cave!!! Me am Monstee! Me say what me want, me do what me want!!

As for emailing you, not to worry. Me no like to contact lousy parent nazi racist profiler bigoted repressed eroticaphobic goose-stepping blinder wearing sheeple cunts like you.

With love,
Monstee

The fishy bait of Monstemper!

2007-07-28T23:22:00.000-05:00

Yeah yeah yeah....

Server, AOL, blogger...

Bullshit bullshit bullshit....

Bla bla bla....
Fuck fuck fuck....
Yada yada yada...

Hate.

The 27th of Monstemper!

2007-07-27T23:37:00.000-05:00

Well kids, since me server have decided not to accept any uploads of pics or stuff, me rant about ~~bitch~~ ~~lady~~ ~~nice lady~~ fucking bitch that criticized me last rant will have to wait. Me sure you, like her, am hanging on edge of you seats. So for today me am just going to go over most popular searches that bring people to cave. Who knows, you may see one of you searches in list. Enjoy.

adrianne barbeau nude - Me would NEVER show somthing like that of old girlfriend!

crying while masturbating -- me know this may be sensitive problem for some people... but it just TOO funny!! Me mean... it am like... "BooHoo... BooHoo... BooHoooOOOoooo... BoooOOooHooOOOoo...."

adrianne barbeau - former gal pal!

gals - got lots

bloody heart - must be british search... US peoples say 'Fucking Heart'

musical 8 ball - What would it play? Shake it up by The Cars?

suck my blue balls - Uh well, dance all night play all day. Don't let nothin get in the way

real heart - Dance all night keep the beat. Don't you worry bout two left feet, Shake it up!

girls pooping - OH COME ON NOW! No wonder you cry when you masturbate!

humongous girls - need love too... but get on top or you get breath pounded out of you.

prepubescent - ok... that am in my vocabulary.

barley legal porn - now don't get confused. This could be cause of some publishing ambiguity or problem with distribution or something.

bitch say what - what?

cave 8 ball - Shake it up, oo yeah, Shake it up

hims first cock movies - when would me EVER put them words together?

teets - As in licks or teets on Holloweenie?

i am me - You am not! Me am.

suck me dry - lick me wet... strike that! Reverse it!

who is the girl the in the yoplait comercial itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini ? - you mama!

adrianne barbeau nude free pic - Dude, give it up! There am none here and if they was me would NEVER show them!

i am blue means - You am dumb shit and you talks funny!

smoker coughing up block chunks - OH.... yummy.

bitch imagesize large - Me have no idea how to respond to that.

hosebag - fuckface!

parapism - That am MR. Parapism to YOU!

www.baby goots boobs - If me said it once then me said it hundred times.... WHAT THE HELL AM BABY GOOTS?

smallest penis ever - try looking on horny knat.

barley leagle porn - no, but we go some barley eagle porn

why do dogs chew holes in dirty underwear - cause all day long it been constricting they junk.

nude marge simpson -Got em! NOT showin em!

fat man wanking - Am he crying?!?! How do you say EWWWwwww and HAHAHAHAHA at same time?

miniature bowling - My idea!

yummy butt - best kind... me guess...

averagetosser.blogspot.com/2006_10_01_archive.html binty s personal album - HOW THE HELL YOU GET HERE WITH THIS?!?!?!

vibrator website - what... how... where... OH! Vibrator am to Monstee as Website am to cave...

sabrina the teenage bitch - Did me ever make this bad joke? Phew!

lemony monstee - Awww... naw, me am blueberry!

discount porn - Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn

cockless panties - um... uh... am not... er... all panties... er.. um... never mind.

pinch nipples - OK. OUCH! WoooOOOOoooo.... Thanks!

chicks fucking to teckno music - Someone's been in back room!

how to shave male puboc hair - HERE?!?!? You look for shaving here?!?!

vector porn - for horny math geeks!

offensive/ rude things to say - OH! LIke me come back to when girls say 'Kissing a smoker is like licking a dirty ashtray.' Then me say "Then fucking you must be like masturbating inside a fat bitch.'

big nipples - well, there am big.... then that am big!

smell of a pre-teen boy s genitals - Jesus on a stick people!! How are you fucking perverts getting here?!?! Just cut it off and GO AWAY NOW!!!

fuck me blue - Heard that before.

i am looking for a heavy metal band from the late 80 s or 90 s beginning with the letter s - well maybe if you can be more specific in the words you are using in the data field on the page of the search engine then we might have some idea of what exactly you might be looking for. What am you? Stupid, foreign or just old?

doe dee doe - mmmmmMMMMmmmmmmdoedeedoe..........

The Twenty Sticks of Monstemper!

2007-07-26T23:49:00.000-05:00

While me am still constructing reply to scathing E-mail me get over last posting, me have decided to post three more of them little 50 word excluding title mini-sagas me learn about over at Footeaters. If you been round much in month of Monstemper then you know what me am talking bout, but if you not, then you missed it all here, here and here. Also, Footeater hisself has new ones here. As usual, if you like feel free to try them on you own in me comments. But please let me know if you do some other places cause me would really like to see them. Me just can not tell you how much me am hooked on these things.

Enjoy.

One up

They had been at it for years.
First one, the other, then back again.
It was a simple thing. Just fifty words, excluding the title.
"Monstee?" He said. "I have three more."
The old man handed the paper over.
The gray-blue thing took the paper and read.
"Dang you Footeater."

The Question

I spotted him standing there on the other side of the road.
As he crossed, I went to ask him directly.
He quickly dashed away from me and left the question unasked.
He looked me in the eye and left;
all the while pecking at stones and fluffing his feathers.

Love Lost

She knew the marriage was over before he did.
They never talked anymore or did things together like they use to.
And those few times when they did make love, there was no enthusiasm.
He became uncomfortable and she became frigid.
Like they once said, "Till death do us part."

The Two Bits of Monstemper!

2007-07-25T23:56:00.000-05:00

Well, as me say yesterday, me have been brewing up rant for while. Sometimes these things just fizzle out or cool down on them own, but other times them boil over and me post them here in highly intelligent if not somewhat sarcastic way. Now me know that me not most topical kinda monster, and me not all that political... Except for voicing opinion that G. W. B. Am ~~possibly~~ defiantly WORST president in history of America... And that include guy who die in office from diarrhea some three or four days in office or whatever. OH, and it include that one guy who did all them awful stuffs and was hated by just about everybody. NO, not BUSH SR. That other guy! G. W. And MUCH worse than him too! ...and him. But me digress. From time to time me have been known to rant and angrygrrface (you look her up me to tired to link it) Say per me last comments (you look it up me am to tired to link it) That she am hoping for sex or fast food rant cause them am best. Hmmmmmmm.... Well, to tell truth, me no remember doing sex rant. Five lumps monster money to anyone who can find where me did sex rant. As for fast food... Well, me got nothing against fast food. It am ADVERTISING FUCKS that me have problems with. That what me been ranting bout.
ME LOVE SEX AND FAST FOOD!!!!

MmMMMMMmmmmmsex&fastfood......

NO! You no distract Monstee from what he am getting round to ranting bout. It am no about sex and it am no about fast food. But, they am both great!! Sometimes at same time. Me remember one time...

NO! You no distract Monstee with kinky memories! NO! ME am here to rant and now me can begin!

WHY AM LINDSEY LOHAN LEAD STORY ON U.S. NEWS?!?!?!?

What fuck America? ME mean... COME ON! You am at war! People am dying over seas. You am killing people in they own country! God Damn it! You have job problems, money problems, legal problems, homeless, more crime in you schools than qualified teachers or money to get job done right, rampant disease, poverty and government that am so dysfunctional it fucks up helping disaster victims in its own land, and lead story am about some bimbo actress falling off wagone?!?! FUCK A WILD MAN!!!

What am it? Am it you or am it media? Am they spoon feeding you tripe cause you want it or cause that am what they want you to know? Wake up America! Pigs am rewriting rules on side of barn and you all seem to believe them when they say them was that way all along! ( if you no catch reference, then either 1. Go fuck you self. Or 2. Get off computer right now and go read fucking book!!! NOTING with pictures!!) Open you eye America, you politicians am so corrupt that they openly break you laws and NOBODY does anything about it. And do media tell you about it??? NO!! Cause they am to busy telling you bout what fucking bimbet Hollywood socialite cunt got drunk, fucked, in car wreck, arrested, went into rehab, turned gay, turned UN-gay, or generally fucked up in some way. WOOHOO!!! Big fucking NEWS!!

Our top story tonight, famous people fuck up and am no better then you.
WELL LA DE FUCKING DUH!!
Would this have happened 40 years ago? Lets see... 1967. Hmmmm.... Poverty, crime, violence in schools... Country at war.... War nobody wanted... Bad president nobody liked... What do you think top story back then would be?

Patty Duke gets drunk at rap party for 'Valley of the Dolls', details at eleven. FUCK NO! Back then news was about what was and SHOULD have been going on and why it wasn't. Back then, people no liked America at war and they fucking protested!! Where am protesters today? Fucking sitting round TV watching new reports about how much FUCKING LINDSEY LOHAN FELL OFF WAGON!!!

Fuck you news people. Last think me want to here am more about one of me ex-girlfriends.

The Two Wenty Forth of Monstemper!

2007-07-24T11:58:00.000-05:00

Well.... me got here late am me am just too tired to go into it right now.

But you no worry, me have rant brewing.

See you tomorrow.

The Twenty Turd of Monstemper!

2007-07-23T01:29:00.000-05:00

Um... yeah. ME posted on this day.

Really!

ME DID!

Where was you? HUH?
Yeah, like you check every day.
You need to press that refresh button once and while.

The 'legal adult' of Monstemper!

2007-07-22T23:13:00.000-05:00

Me am taking today off so me can rest.

...but this still counts as posting!

So there!
'Thpbspbspbspbspbspbs!'

The BLACKJACK! of Monstemper!

2007-07-21T23:38:00.000-05:00

(wrrrrrrrrrrrrr... SssssssssSSSSSSSsssssssSSSSSssssssSSSSSSssssss...)

Hello, this am Monstee.
Me am not in right now, but me do care about you coming by. So if you just leave you name and comment at fleep, me get back to you when me get back from doing what it am that me am doing. Thank you.

OH, By way, did me mention that me am out doing that thing or things that you have always wanted or wished you could be out doing but could not do for some such reason? IT am great!! Yeah, this am like me second or third time doing it and it am like even BETTER than you think it would be! WOW! ME life am great. But you call am important too. ...so, leave comment or something. Thanks!

OH, and did me also mention that in addition to doing what ever it am me am doing that it also include massive amounts of great sex with incredibly beautiful members of whatever gender me am interested in...... OK, women, but it could be men.... If me wanted.... But me don't! Not that there am anything wrong with that. It am just way god made me. Woman lover with huge genitalia, nine inch tongue and ears that me can breath though.... Yup... That am me. So, hey, me gotta get back cause some of them women am movie and TV stars and need to be loved up real good so they can get on they way and they husbands/boyfriends/girlfriends no find out. So again, leave comment and me get back to you. Thanks!

OH, and if you at cave, no touch anything cause me coated everything with contact poison. Thanks, bye!

(CACHUNK!!!! THUNK!! TUNK!!!)

The squentyith of Monstemper!

2007-07-20T23:53:00.000-05:00

News In Literature

Important facts that you may not know about new Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. (yes, this am just like what me did for Lemony Snickets book back in 2005)

Words that no appear in book:
1. anilingus
2. Horny
3. clitoralectomy
4. Wanking
5. cervix
6. brystpule
7. moobs
8. dildo
9. vulva
10. buttfuck

Terms that no appear in book:
1. Beef curtains
2. Throwing a Rainbow party
3. Playing the one fingered slot machine
4. The Dirty Sanchez
5. Doing the dance from 'Deliverance'
6. Fisting the gut locker
7. Giving the trouser snake a view of tonsil town
8. Yodeling in the pink cave
9. Marinating the nether rod in the squish mitten
10. Hump dumping

Excerpts that no appear in book:

Ron pulled away from Hermione's kiss. "On no," he said. "What have you done to the wand in my pants?"

Voldermort pushed the covers away, got out of bed and pulled on a silk robe.
"That... that... that just wasn't right," said Malfoy. Voldermort waved his wand.
"Payest et whoresta." Suddenly a fifty pound note appeared on the pillow next to Malfoy's head.
"Clean yourself up," said Voldermort. "You look like shit."

Hermione didn't understand why she had to be the one to stay behind and distract Hagrid from what they were doing. She was much better at magic the Ron. Sill, she knew she was much better at this sort of thing as well. Hagrid stopped her a moment and cocked his head to listen. "Did you just hear something outside?" he asked. Hermione removed her wand and whispered.
"Gagus reflexus supressori!" A flash of light traveled from the tip of the wand to her throat. She once again began distracting Hagrid in earnest.

Harry stood and went to his room, leaving them there at the breakfast table.
"What is it boy?" asked uncle Vernon.
"Yes, dear," said aunt Petunia. "It's just us now. You can tell us." Dudly just looked at his half eaten breakfast and mumbled. His parents looked at each other questioningly. Suddenly Dudly jumped to his feet.
"I like boys and there's blood in my pee!"

Hermione was impressed. She knew Harry always had it in him, but Ron was definitely showing improvement The two boys looked at each other and smiled. "Tag!" the both shouted, giving each other a high five. Now Ron had the high road while Harry took the lower, and Hermione just continued to lay there and enjoy what they were doing.

The 9/10 of Monstemper!

2007-07-19T23:30:00.000-05:00

Things am still little slow round here kids... that and me am still totally hooked on them little stories me tell you all about few days ago. Me not sure how me can ever thank me good friend Foot Eater for getting me addicted to them. Exactly fifty words long, excluding title. It so much FUN!

So again me say go see Footies and see what he done here and here.

Here are few more from me. Again, if you like, feel free to post you own in me comments or on you own blog, just let me know so me can come see them. Me LOVE this shit!

Enjoy.

It should have been me.

My best friend, tortured.
And I was forced to watch.
First he was almost drowned.
Then spun in the dark for sensory depravation.
Finally he was locked in the hot box and endured one of the worst beatings I ever heard.
"Five minuets," mum said. "Then teddy will be dry"

Tally HO!

Finishing the mark, he scanned the total.
His shaking hand touched each gouge, each carve into the wood, each crossmark of five.
"So many," he whispered.
His hand shook even harder reaching the top.
Carved there was one word. 'Glarkings.'
Foot Eater closed his eyes. "Why always me?" he wept.

The mood

Running my fingers through her hair, I held her head.
She closed her eyes, moving against me.
Rubbing my thumb over her ear, I progressed down to her shoulder and beyond.
She inhaled deeply.
I continued to her hip and down her shapely leg.
Then she bit me.
Damn cat.

The 8 teets of Monstemper!

2007-07-18T23:54:00.000-05:00

Few days ago me little hatchling was staying with me. Things was little slow so with that little voice that only little hatchlings have when they look up at you and they am filled with love and awe and worship and stuff she ask, "Daddstee, what did you do for fun when you was me age?" Me was so tickled.

Thoughts of her running round countryside eating livestock and scaring villagers ran through me head. Sweet, sweet memories that kids today just can never know. Today am different day from when we was little living out on moors and bogs. Today, it take village to rampage and harass.... village... and.... Yeah. And beside, me not WANT her out there doing them dangerous stuffs. Me have ME reputation to protect! So anyway, not to tell her that or be without answer, me just punched her in stomach as hard as me could. DANG, we laughed and laughed! Well, me did anyway. She join in as soon as she could stand again and stop coughing up blood.

As usual this am not good enough answer for little hatchling and as usual me just try to make something up from era of DISCO and gold, sparkling, bell-bottom pants and white people with afros and platform shoes. That right! 70's! Try this some time with you budlings. No matter what they ask about you past, just give answer that have something to do with 70's. It am like time from you birth to time of they birth was all in one decade! It am hilarious! It this am to difficult, or you no know much about 70's, then me suggest you just stick with stomach punching and leave it at that. That also good all around answer for most all things.

Truth am, me do remember doing fun things back in 70's. We had this board game call Bonkers. Bonkers? Yes, Bonkers!

Bonkers!
It's Zany!... It's Unpredictable!
Bonkers am some crazy game! With it's funny twisted track that can send you backward to go forward or forward to go back and forward all over crazy place!
Track cards am placed on board and determine direction and distance of moves, lots of luck using them to you advantage! Win game by getting to score spaces as often as possible! It's never same game twice, that'd be Bonkers!

It no longer in production now, so me made one. Little hatchling keep asking to play with it, but when she do me just keep punching her in gut. HAHAHAHAHA!

Have fun!

For full version, click here!

The 7-11 of Monstemper!

2007-07-17T23:30:00.000-05:00

Shhhhhh.... You smell that?
Me can no talk now. They am watching.

Why they can no read instead of just watching me not know. But they AM watching, so me talk to you tomorrow when they no watching you.

Er... Me mean me. When me not watching you.

NO! WAIT! Not YOU, ME. And not ME, YOU!! When you not watching ME! Me post more tomorrow when you no watching me.

???

STOP WATCHING ME!!!

YAMAHA!!!*

*That last bit was just supposed to be yell of panic, but spell checker was so insistent that me want ahead and used suggestion. If you have any confusion, please feel free to write note to AOL spell checker and shove it up you ass. It was funny.

The 6teeth of Monstemper!

2007-07-16T23:04:00.000-05:00

ME just realized that me have been totally remised and not been responding to you comments and emails you all been sending to me about all me posting me been doing over month of Monstemper!

How rude!

Let's fix right now...

That one guy: Yes they do!

That fat gal: Thank you. Too bad for you.

Other guy: Only with sugar. ...or some kind of sweetener.

Vibrator guy: No call me Shirley.

That one lady: Great minds smell alike... And... Ummm... BOTH!

That scary guy: Um... Get off campus and turn youself in.

To that one gal that hate Springsteen: Well, me do like one or two songs... But generally hate. Mostly hate. Him and Reagan.

That one grrface: Me am no people. Kittens in Jars am yummy!

To that one smacky guy: Guess what me am right now.... PLEEAAFFLAGH! Me zit! Get it?

To that one guy with girls name: What you mean me pic... NO! Wait second... Smacky guy!!! Fat drunk and stupid get me where me AM today!! What YOU talking bout?!?!? You must never been to big time Hollywood orgy casting couch session or after farty. (Yeah, me know what me typed!)

To that fat girl again: Preach mama, preach!

To that angry girl: Everything! That am too much.

To that doctor guy: Bation? NOOOOOoooooo.....

To that guy with DNA: Hey, it not Me kid! Me no what you hear... But... NOOOOOoooooooway!

To guy overseas: Monstemper am in fact one of them not so set in stone type months. Usually it am about Pi cubed number of days or 2,700,000 seconds. But no quote me.

To that one lady that mentioned Olsen twins: OLSEN TWINS?!?! Me not see that!

To mister Sma...rtass!: SMARTASS!

To that one sweet nice girl: Awwwww... Tank you! ME am happy now.

Same girl: High five!

Same girl: No props needed.... Me own this cave.

Same girl: Yeah, whatever.... Lets keep it to posts OK?

Same girl: Tell THEM that!

Same girl: Me no do Hypothetical questions. ....but they church's am pretty!

Same girl: You generally welcome general!

Same girl: OK... Let's screw.

Same girl: what?!?!? Like me no NOTICED?!?!?!

Same girl: (sigh)

Same girl: Anytime girlie girl! Like me say above.... ANYtime

Same girl: You can no harass willing!

Same girl: Stop wondering, me tell! Do me!

Same girl: BORING!!! (Boner gone)

Same girl: WOOHOO!!!! BOOBIES!!! OK. Me can trade pics. Here am one of me blue balls. ..well, black and blue balls due to that pussy pounding up and down on them. You can ignore that right? Enjoy.

Same girl: You am drunk? Right?

Same girl: Am YOU reading THESE?!?!?!

Same girl: Everyone should send Monstee Money!

Same girl different day: Thank you. Why you not try?

The 15ooned of Monstemper!

2007-07-15T23:59:00.000-05:00

Me got nothing today so me just going to point out that me good friend Paw Eater am doing some interesting things over at him blog. It seem that he am trying to come up with original story that am exactly fifty words long, excluding title. Me did few in him comments, but what with me no having not much to post about today, me thought me would just grab them and put them here. If you like them, me suggest you get over to Footies and see what he done here and here. If you like, feel free to post you own in me comments or on you own blog. It am tons o fun!

Enjoy.

Vengence Served

They said I was foolish for taking this job after the way he destroyed my father's name.
Yet here I was, his personal chef.
"Truly excellent, " he said, wiping gravy from his fat jowls.
"What do you call that dish?"
"I don't know," I said. "What WAS your baby's name?"

Goosbumps

The doctor had just discovered alien life. It made my skin crawl.
"The tests are positive," he said. "The bacteria's extraterrestrial. You've been massively infected."
He looked at me with terror. My skin continued crawling.
He screamed as it engulfed him. I was sweating blood.
Then his skin crawled too.

The last 60 seconds

Life was over and he was just waiting for the crash.
Adrenaline raced through his chest, guts and groin.
He sat, silently gripping the arms of the chair with white knuckles.
He looked up at her with a stifled scream.
"Time's up," she said. "The test say's I'm not pregnant."

The 14ist of Monstemper!

2007-07-14T23:52:00.000-05:00

See, now this am problem with posting every day. Me not get reaction me expected from yesterdays post. Normally me would post something as brilliant as that flashy thing in posting as good as that and then wait week for two for people to look it over and she what they think.

BUT NOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOOooooooo

Now me am posting every day cause me said me was going to and all you fuckers out there am holding me to it. Well... Guess that teach me to say things and try to mean them. Let this be lesson to all you kiddies out there reading this... NEVER say you am going to do something if you have any intentions of doing it cause then it make it SO much harder to blow it off and not do it later! Only say you am going to do something 100% if you know full well that you have no intention of finishing it whatsoever. Then, when you don't, you no feel so bad cause you knew you wasn't going to and all you did was SAY you was going to and... WHAT? They gonna hold you to something you never had no intentions of doing in first place?!?! Fuck it. Let em try.
BUT ME?
SHeesh! Me am stuck cause everybody know me was going to do it cause me said it and NOW me got to do it no matter how screwed up it all gets. Well... Me guess me can just direct you back to last post and you can see for you self that it am MUCH better posting than this one. Here... Just stop reading this post and start over with this one.
Thanks! ... Oh, sorry. Me let you go. Bye.

Why you keep reading here?
Me told you to go to other better post!
Now go! Me got other things to do and me want to be alone. Bye!

GOD DAMNIT YOU FUCKERS!!!
What Monstee got to do to get little alone time in him own cave?!?!
STOP READING THIS!!! START READING THIS!!!! GOT IT??? GOOD!!!

JUMPING JESUS ON POGOSTICK!!! AM YOU ALL DEAF??!!?? IF YOU NOT GOING TO STOP READING THEN ME JUST GOING TO STOP POSTING TODAY!

Me hope you happy.

The 13rd of Monstemper!

2007-07-13T19:43:00.000-05:00

Me am carton of hate.
Me am wedge of spite.
Me am carton of hate!
Me am wedge of spite!
We am Milk and Cheese.
We am Milk and Cheese!
We both gone bad. We just ain't right.
We big ass laffs am too hardcore.
You no deserve anymore.
We am Milk and Cheese, buy our records please.
Our aim's to sell so go to Hell!

...bud-ump bud-ump Ba-ba-bada-bud-ump,
bud-ump bud-ump Ba-ba-bada-bud-ump,
bud-ump bud-ump Ba-ba-bada-bud-ump,
bud-ump bud-ump Ba-ba-bada-bud-ump,
bud-ump bud-ump Ba-ba-bada-bud-ump,...
... ...
...ba-ba-ba-bump-bump-bump
ba-ba-ba-bump-bump-bump
ba-ba-ba-bump-bump-bump
ba-ba-ba-bump-bump-bump
ba-ba-ba-bump-bump-bump,...
... ...

Fear us suckers, fear our truth!
Mindless violence beyond reproof.
Am we evil? So some claim.
But society am to blame!
Start riot, lose control.
We am gods of rock and roll!
Give me beer, give me gin.
We liquored up so let mayhem begin!

God Made Us Funky!
God Made Us Funky!
God Made Us Funky!
God Made Us FUCK!

HEY KIDS!!!

Me no hear you come in. Me was just jamming to one of me good friends bands. Me would tell you who, but they no pay me enough. You know me. Me do NOTHING without endorsement deal!

So here we am, almost half way though month of Monstee and all me been doing am ranting. That am just not right. Now that things seem to be running smoothing with all them that me rhetorically bitch slapped yesterday, me think it am time me get down to ~~really making fun of~~ to ~~ridicule and laughing at~~ to examining human possibilities with some new people.

Not too long ago good friend of mine send me picture of they little hatchling with funny haircut. Me not read e-mail all that close cause it not contain money or nude picture or nothing but it seem that they little boy way bitching or begging or bugging them for something... So they gived him mohawk. Now, me not know about you, but me think that am genius! Haircuts grow out, but EVERYBODY know what it am like to walk around with bad haircut till it do. That am greatest system of punishment me have ever heard of. Me can here it now.... "Grrrrrr... You better shut up and do you chores junior, or we gonna carve 'Bedwetter' into you fade!" You just KNOW that kid am running to make that bed and whisking that trash out to curb!! Me would love to submit me good friends as parents of year, but think me not cause me not want child services coming down on them. So for same reason me can no tell you who them am.

But before me forget, me good friend DNA Vibrator send me E-mail about... Um... Something totally different. It seem that he put up short video of them in band from show they do back in we old college town. Me was there. It was great show... For what me remember. He say that if you download video, you can hear Monstee in crowd. Me took 4 or five days to download it (you know me system am that slow) And me listen, but me no hear it. If you go to listen, you can get file at him blog site or that other place. If you listen for Monstee, me sound like cross between Nick Nolte and Leon Redbone with laugh that sound like Burt Reynolds laugh but lowered 5 octaves and done in slow motion. Me have been told same thing about me bedroom skills... But where was me going?

OH YEAH! So about this kid with mohawk.... While me was looking at picture, what strike me as so cool about picture was not necessarily hairdo (what was really cool by way) But really surly slow burn expression on kids face. If you know any preteen boy... Me think you know that look. It hit me that that surly look fit SO well with mohawk me had hard time thinking of other look you would want with mohawk. Not silly grin. Not if you not want to get beat up. No, slow burn bad attitude and best to go with mohawk. But then me wonder.... Would same look work with OTHER hair styles??? Me HAD to know. SOOOOoooooooo.... Me get out me special tools and go to work bringing out inner meaning of look and extrapolating it with other hairstyles. Sometimes it work.... Sometimes it no work. YOU see what YOU think. Feel free to mix and match and such and let me know what you think works and what not works. Happy clicking!

The 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th & 12th of Monstemper!

2007-07-12T03:48:00.000-05:00

OPEN LETTER TO BLOGGER, WHOEVER RUNS SERVER ME DOMAIN AM ON, AOL, WHOEVER RUNS AOL SERVER ME DIAL UP TO LOG ONTO INTERNET, INTERNET AND ME OLD OUT DATED INTERNAL MODEM.

Dear Sirs/Madams:
Dear Sirs/Ladies:
Dear Whores/madams:

Dear Pimps and Madams:

Die. Just please die. Drink ovalteen and antifreeze, make toast in shower, shave you neck down to bone, me not care! Just die. Fall off big building, jump under speeding gas truck, go swimming late at night when you really, really drunk. It no matter. Shoot you selves. Shoot each other! Play speedy game of "How many holes can me drill in me head" or "How many nails can me pound in me skull." Spend you next paycheck all on Meth and Meth products, have party and smoke it all in one night. You might not die, but you at least be out of me hair. OH, oh, go to ethnic bar and start screaming ethnic slurs. Go to lesbian bar, jump up on bar and start singing that old Queen song "Bicycle", but replace work bicycle with dykecycle. Find bunch of skinheads, go up to them, rub they heads and say "Wax on! Wax off!" If they talk to you just yell "Shut up you little girl!" Buy LOTS of salmon moose, let it sit out over night and eat it all for breakfast. Try to fuck hungry shark. REALLY, me no care!

One of more of you have been responsible for me not being able to log on and post for past few days and it piss me off!! Me KNOW me am working with stone knives and bearskins, but Holy Fucking Sheep Shit! Me should be able to get SOMETHING going! Me just think that if you all die then me would feel little bit better when me am pulling me hair out and screaming till blood spatters on screen when all this happen with next guys.

Thanks for all you help.

Monstee, Esq.
:]

P.S. Toon in tomorrow when me just might have neat little flashy thing to show off if me can get all you fuckers to work together again.