Let's try somthing....

OK!

So me not posting hardly at all anymore.... ME KNOW THAT!!!

So... here am quick note to say that me am going to try something. "What?" you ask.

MIND YOU OWN BUSINESS!!!




okokok... if you now hold me to it, me will try to post every day next month. Can em do it? Me not know. Me never try. You hang in there and we see.


M :]

p.s. You no worry... me already got rant building.

Blogger can suck me harry blue balls... no, wait! Me not mean me have "blue balls" in that way... you know what me mean... although like everything else about me they am blue, that not what me mean! What me mean am blogger can go and suck me blue balls that am harry.... No, that not do it either... Me was going to say me blue harry balls, but me thought that maybe you would think that me mean me had blue hair balls, which me do now and again cause lets face it, when you am as hairy as me you can no get away from coughing up some lovely blue slimy blobs of hair that get stuck in you gullet and just fester there.... So me didn't say that.... Hey! Lets just start this all over and me will pick different color and body part to work with....

Blogger can go suck big green donkey dicks!!!

Me hope to have new posting soon and maybe this one not get lost in cyberspace.

ME AM BACK!!!

Can you no believe it? Am you pinching youselves right now? Pinch youself for me as well for me can no believe it too much too! Me am back and me am blue! ME AM BACK AND BLUE!

Me know... me know... you am all out there going...

"Where ya been Monstee?"
"Is everything ok?"
"Why did you stop posting?"
"Where ya been Monstee?"
"Are we still on for hot and heavy hetero monster on girl sex?"
"This is my first time here. What's the deal?"
...and mostly...
"Where ya been Monstee?"

Well, to tell truth... me was here all along. You no see me wave when you come in? Noooooo... me had to renew driving license at DMV. (That Department of Monstee Vehicles for you all from out of town.) No, me have just started playing Yirdaki, Kanbi, and Ihambilbilg in new band and been in studio all this time. We just finish our new CD called "Every Song Ever Written!"! No! Me have strange kind of mental breakdown and could no function till next episode of "Lost"! NO! Me was plotting and scheming how to kidnap unwanted person in me recent love triangle. DANG IT! There am just on way to do it without adult diapers! NO! Really, me was in rehab all this time for me addiction to roadkill. Me was almost done too, but that bitch Lindsay Lohan wanted me bed by window so they throw me out. Me know for FACT it have nothing to do with me humping her boobs in her sleep. NO! For true me was over in Ireland with that one person who did that one thing that was so embarrassing for them and possibly group of people, industry or country. Yeah, me was involved somehow.... You tell me! NO! Me computer got really bad virus and whenever me go to log-on it vomit in me lap. No, seriously, me hate you. NO! Me get bad haircut and it only now growing out so me allow meself to be seen. NO! Truly, it was best of times, it was worst of times. NO! No lie, me was locked in back room at video processing lab for over three months and all me have to watch was some guys colonoscopy or bootleg copy of "Blues Brothers". Me watch it over and over. Me get to where me can sing along with every song, speak each line of dialog and even do some of they dance steps. Me watched "Blues Brothers" few times too. NO! Me was pinning for fields. NO! Me was trying to find out why for they have they baby goots! NO! Me was on the run from the corpse that wanted to get together and talk about old times.... (long story). NO! Me am bit of slow reader and took some time off to reread long book literary series. So, we many know where Waldo am... but why am he there? NO! Honest... Me run out of gas. Me, me had flat tire. Me no have enough money for cab fare. Me tux no come back from cleaners. Old friend come from out of town. Someone stole me car. There was earthquake. Terrible flood. Locusts. IT WAS NO ME FAULT, ME SWEAR TO GOD!!!



Oh, also...
Since me was gone me was also no reading you blogs. You post anything good? Anybody else post anything good? If me was reader of you's and commented, me am sorry, me will try to get back. If me was lurker and read you but no comment..... Me was reading you all along, yeah, that am ticket! And you people who me no read! Yeah! Me was busy reading all you posting too!! Yeah! They suck! Me not going to do that any more. You had you chance. You blow it! You blow it big time! You blow big green donkeys! Go crawl under bus and suck some antifreeze.

Ahhhhhhhh.... It am good to be home.

3 more things

A) Can you believe it? It took over year to do but we got our first help out on The Bear Story!!! This am unbelievable!! Help am old friend and newest cave dweller DNA Vibrator. Me & DNA go way back to commune me use to live in in old college town. Them was back in the 80's and me wish me was going to collage at THAT time. But oh well, me was still there to see the young kids rise and fall in they greatness. DNA V just starting him own blog. You all be nice now, he newbie at all this. Him blog have some good tweaking to do, but he already posting some good music from after days when Monstee move on and give up bohemian lifestyle and move into life of big city corporate day monster. Anyway, DNA V am one of them renaissance avatars that got paws... er... energy tentacles into little bit of everything. And we am LUCKY that writing am one of them. There am NO dust on The Bear Story now kids! Who gonna be next to pick up the gauntlet? If me get one more... then me will do one.

2) Me recently got some email from person who remain nameless asking if it be alright if they put link to cave on they blog site. NO, it not DNA Vibrator, it... Well, you not need to know who it am. Point am, they was nice enough to ask cause they got impression that some people find they humor offensive. First me thought is so nice of them to ask... then me think, what me care what other people think of you blog? Why you wasting me time with this lady... er man... er... ladyman? Yeah! You wanna link, linky! What me gonna do? Tell people you offensive? You know they already KNOW that!! And what? ME am type of monster that not want me cave linked on that kind of site? ME no care! Me tell them to link away! Everyone, if you want link away! Sure, me think they am offensive too, but that no reason not to get link out of it. Me tell them that too! Me say them am offensive, rude, crude, sarcastic, bit sadistic, and me firmly believe you am single handedly setting parenthood back to some time before dark ages!! Very fact that they ask me to be associated with people like them seem to imply that maybe they assume me am or might be somewhat sympathetic, understanding or actually ENJOY so called "witticisms" and "humorous writings" they pollute Internet with. Me do. Very much. But because they seem to have bad press already, me not going to say who them am. Me just going to say that it anyone want to link to me, go ahead. Let me know and me just might link back to you too. Me told this person me would. ...in completely unrelated issue along same theme, please note me have two new links in me link list. DNA Vibrator and Fat Sparrow

d) In comments of me most recent posting at Blunt Cogs, SafeTinspector comment and ask...

12:08 AM, September 19, 2006, SafeTinspector said...
Monstee, how the fuck do you do this shit on your 486DX over a dial-up AOL connection?!?

Me just want to say... 486DX? ME WISH!!
Me DREAM at night of what me could do with 486DX. Me had to build me own math coprocessor out of leaves used gum and smiting me coughed up after licking contest at Mexican restaurant on tequila night! Me not sure you all understand. Me mouse am REAL MOUSE!! No get me wrong, me no torcher poor little mouse. It dead when me get it. Me just one who put little ball in its guts and attach tail to extender and connect to system. It not called Macnrock for nothing. It am big hollow rock with shit in side of it! When me say me am using stone knives and bearskins... me am literally using stone knives and bearskins!! How do me do it??? HOW??

Me am
Monstee!

3 things

First off: To everyone who have been emailing and IMing me about me current state of technological impairedness, me would like to thank you all for you concerns, but me do know what me am doing. After all, me am Monstee. There am reasons why me am running such old, dilapidated and possibly haunted software. Biggest reason am because of me old, dilapidated and possibly haunted computer. Another may be complete lack of money me currently am holding for a friend. While me have that, it am hard to update me hardware so it can accommodate any new and shiny and fucking huge ass needing disk and RAM space to run software. Until me can do something about it, me think me am doing pretty good with what me got, thank you very much, but until you am living in cave and logging on to internet using stone knives and bearskins please no be telling me what me should do to overcome some of me problems. Me probably have been down that path and you am just wasting our time.

Next: Me good friend SafeTinspector has inquired about one of me other side projects "The Bear Story." Me call it me side project cause it am project me am involved and it has link over there on side of blog. Me looked the whole thing over and realized it and the intire back of cave needed major overhauling. Me overhauled it and now me think it am more self explanatory. Feel free to help out, but if you no can be troubled to find link on right... here it am.

Lastly: Why the FUCK do me even try to use ANY of the "who links to me" type sites out there on the web? They no work! Me found out on me own that me was mentioned in posting by Fat Sparrow! Me would LIKED to have commented, BUT NO! Me didn't know about it and... Well, me was busy too. Footeater commented. He warn her that me am devil himself. (that's just cause he secretly fancies me.)
Anyway... It seem the Fat Sparrow have two year old that am currently in love with me. That not surprise me cause everyone who come to cave am in love with me... except for... you know who.
Anyway... as for me moving in with them, or little one being shipped here... we need to talk more about this first. Me am Monstee. Me need me dank. But FS, if you am ever about cave again and need to put little one to sleep like last time, feel free to sing him this song.

Me no usually post song lyrics at cave, but me know that me have people getting here looking for them so me got them and present them to be used instead of lullaby. If you am interested, these guys am linked under me MUSIC heading. Go to they site and buy them CD's. They am great!

The New Duncan Imperials
(Oh my God we're...):lyrics

Hey guys!

Did you ever get that urge to go out on a Tuesday night, when you know beers are cheap and everything's looking your way? So you head out to the corner bar and you have yourself a couple of beers cause their only fifty cents on Tuesdays even though it's Old Milwaukee you don't care because their cheap and their flowing. You're at the bar drinking and watching some MTV on the big screen behind the bar, watching all the latest fads of the day, when a girl at the end of the bar is sitting there drinking vodka cranberry gives you a little bit of an eye and then you drink yourself a couple more glasses of courage and give her the eye and go over there and maybe say "Hey, wanna dance?" She's like "OK." So she starts dancing with you to the new Modern English song 'I'll stop the world and melt with you' and your having the greatest time of your life cause she's dancing with you and she looks pretty darn good. After the song's over you head of to the bar and you drink yourself three more of those fifty cent beers and you feel even better. And she wants to dance some more to that new REM thing that's really happening now days. So you're out there dancing and you're moving and you're swinging and everything kinda happening but then it's two o'clock and the bar's about to close and you're like "Oh MAN!" So you go "Hey, you know I could drive you home. I know you live in Lincoln Park, but you know that's not too far from me, I live in Rogers Park and they're... not too far." And she's like "OK." So you take her over there and you find a place to park even and she's says "Why don't you come on up? I go cable." and you go on up. And you start watching the Discovery Channel where they're showing lots of elephants and giraffes and that makes you feel really sexy! And then all of a sudden it's like twenty minutes later and you're an inch from her face and you think to yourself...

Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
La De Da De, La De Da De, Da!

Hey girls!

You ever go to work out at the health club and... you know... kinda try to lose a few pounds off your ass because you thinking maybe it's looking a little big lately, and you're like working on that exorcise bike trying to slim down your butt, and you know, jumping up and down on that stair thing and doing a thigh thing and a calf thing and all the things you gotta do to make your things look that way you want them to look. So you're working for about an hour and a half just chuging away, working, moving, sweating, stinking and getting everything happening. And that's about enough you said "Hey! Hey hey, that's about enough." You head over to Chi-chi's and, you know, have yourself a tequila sunrise, maybe a couple of chips from the bar, whatever, salsa's always pretty good. So you're over at Chi-chi's and you're... drinking and... kinda sitting around... watching ESPN and watching people eat the natchos with the cheese sauce. And you decide 'Yeah, I'll have another drink. Sure.' "How about a tequila sunrise, sir?" and he gives you one and there's this bartender, he's a pretty hansom guy. He's... got stone wash blue jeans, a white shirt buttoned up all the way and his hair's kinda greasy and combed all the way to the right. Looks pretty good to you! So, yeah... you know, give him the eye and he gives you another drink and he doesn't even charge you for that one. And you're sitting at the bar, you've had three tequila sunrises, that's enough to make you kinda giggle a little, and you have one more while you're just like, all of a sudden, just real talkative and talking to Carl behind the bar, that's his name. And all of a sudden, you know, Chi-chi's is closed and Carl's like "Well, let me give you a ride home," and you're like "OK." So, Carl takes you in his car and gives you a ride home and... he... decides to come on up and sit on your couch with you. And all of a sudden, it's ten minutes later, Carl's a half inch from your face and you think to yourself...

Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
La De Da De, Da De Da De, Da!
Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
La Da Da Da, La Da Da Da, Da!

Oh my god...
Oh my god...
We were.... fucking.

Look what Me dragged in!

We got new kitty crawling around cave thies days.

Although he am still a kitten, he am 9 1/2 feet tall and have head that am about 3 feet across. He have claws that can puncture gas tanks and eyes that set things on fire. He am pretty good natured most days and LOVES to have his head rubbed. But if he ever run at you sidewasy that am deamoncatspeak for "You am about to loose limb."

His name am

But we all call him Scruffy.


OH! And to person who find cave by serching for "new duncan imperials - oh my god we re lyrics" me found some for Haze Mix and put them in Back of Cave.

Later kids!

Tornados suck! ( or ) This Place Is A Disaster Area!

Ok... am it better to say that tornados blow? Whatever it am... it not nice.

Now, before you guys get all you panties in bunches, we all ok over this way. ...and YES, technically it no really a tornado. Oh, we had the massive bad weather, the two fronts clashing together violently, the smashing rain, the 235mph wind... just no funnel cloud. Me guess that on this end of tornado ally, weather front on top that want to get down no wait on making funnel to do it, but just said 'Fuck it!' and came down all at once.

Me am thinking, of all places me could have been last week... of all me cave openings me could have been hanging out at and currently living... why me pick middle America? The bible belt? The heart land? You know why they call it the heart land, don't you? Cause the brains not there!!!

Well kids, me wish me could tell you all that me looked the great wind in the face and stood me ground. Me wish me could tell you that me was very brave and battened down the hatches and protected everything that needed to be protected. Me WISH me could tell you the thanks to me valiant efforts and quick running round me single pawedly saved all articles and properties of me and me family... but me didn't. Me slept through it all.

When me awoke from me little nap (woke up by sound of three story oak tree snapping in two outside and taking out power lines) everything was about over. So me had time to look out window, see what was going on, say F word couple dozen times and get pets deeper into cave. What me see? hmmmm... How to describe it....

1. It was raining sideways!
2. Clouds was racing each other in me backyard at about one third the speed of sound!
3. Nine out of ever ten trees was broke. Not out of money broke, but missing they limbs, trunk snapped in half or pulled out of ground and knocked over on they side in very untreelike way.
4. The wind was making strange noise. Not the "shhhhhhh" that make you go "Ahhhhhh" on hot summer night. Not the "oooOOOOOooooooOOOOOo" that make you go "WooooOOOoo" on Halloween. NO, this was more like "OWAHOWAHOWAHOWAH" that make you go "WHAT THE FUCK AM THAT?!?!"

Me missed most of the good stuff. Like the stuff flying by the window; the cow, hen house, old lady knitting in her rocking chair, two guys in the rowboat and Miss Almira Gulch riding by on her bicycle. It was over soon and we was all pretty lucky in our little village. VERY few people had any real damage to they housed, but trees am a different thing. All over they was busted up REAL good! The city park am closed until further notice. Poor trees. We lost yardfull ourselves, but hard part was living without power... for almost A WEEK!!! NO POWER!!! FOR A WEEK!! You know what that means!

NO POWER!
NO TV!
NO COMPUTER!
NO INTERNET!
NO VIDEO TAPES!
NO DVDS!
NO HOLOGRAMS!
NO ELECTRIC STOVE!
NO LIGHTS!
NO COMPUTER!
NO AIR CONDITIONING IN 90 DEGREE WEATHER WITH AS MUCH HUMIDITY!!
NO MICROWAVE!
NO FANS!
NO COMPUTER!
NO ELECTRIC GUITAR!
Me can no play... but still...
NO RADIO!
NO MUSIC!
NO MUSIC ON THE COMPUTER!
NO COMPUTER!
NO REFRIGERATOR!
NO FREEZER!
NO ICE!
NO COMPUTER ON ICE!
NO ANSWERING MACHINES!
Phone was working fine.
NO FAXING WITH THE COMPUTER!
NO INTERNET!
NO INTERNET PORN!!!

So you see me life have been hell. But me made it back am what ever no kill me only give me something to really bitch about to others! Me know it going to take me some time to get around to reading all you blogs and getting up to date and all, so just no think me am snubbing you for no commenting like usually do.... or never do it you one of them blogs me just read but no comment on...

YES! ME AM A LURKER AT SOME BLOGS!!! WHAT OF IT?!?!?! Oh, like you really care! Pull the other one! How many comments am me gonna see that am along the lines of "Where am Monstee?" "How come Monstee been so quite?" "Did Monstee fuck off again or what?" ME know how many. About as many as concerned Emails me get. 0 you fuckers!!

Yeah, me love you too! "Oh look, there am Monstee dead in the ditch. Hmmmm, me could spit on him, but no. Me NO WANT TO WASTE IT!!!" YOU CAN ALL GO TO HELL YOU... you...

Me sorry. It just been so long that me started ranting at first thing that come along... you. Me need to vent me hate. Me gotta get started on Blut Cog about all this.

Later Kids!
XOXOXO

So Long, Jerkwads!

Yep, that right! Me get back just in time to get deal of lifetime. So now me not need to hang round with you losers no more. You can all bite me hairy but goodbye!

"Why?" You plead.
"Please Monstee," You beg.

HAHAHAHAHA! OK you common folk. Compare you life to mine and kill you self.

Me was supposed to keep this confidential and Urgent, but...

It seem that me get contacted by one Dr. Samuel Lugwana, Director of Project for little thing know as South Africa Department of Minerals and Energy. Yeah... Pretty impressive, no? It seem that him committee have need for individual who am willing to assist with solution to money transfer problem. HEEHEEHEEHEE! Me gonna get the money and YOU got a problem with it?

It seem that these bozos deliberately over-invoice some foreign contracting firm and the balance of the contract (that have already been paid, mind you) values at $28.5m.

If me willing to assist, me gonna get 25%! They gonna keep 70% and give up 5% for taxes and whatever expenses.

HAHAHA!! 25% just for ME!! That like... what? Couple of m bucks at least! HAHAHAHA! And all me gotta do am email them back with me confidential phone and fax number so's they can contact me for further clarifications! Easy peasy!

Sleep well you pathetic little nothings. If you can! And if you can me KNOW you be dreaming of being me or at least being as lucky as me and getting big multi m deal like me am now involved in! HA! You WISH! Maybe me take you along and let you ride on me goattails.... for a GOOF! What ya gonna do for me, huh? That's right. Me got ALL the m's. How you gonna whore you self to me?

You think about it. Me am off to window shop for submarines staffed by gold plated prostitutes and mannequins made of cured meats.

Later, crybabys!

Insert Title Here

Hey Kids!

How you doing? Me? Well, me am

a) still alive.
b) little down in bumps.
c) bout the same as always!
d) all of the above.
e) none of the above.

Yeah, yeah, yeah... me know! You not hear from Monstee for while. You am all sitting out there saying

a) "We thought you was dead!"
b) "We thought you had quit."
c) "I'm engaged!"
d) "Where you been."
e) "What the hells with this multiple choice?"

Well to that me just say

a) Well me not!
b) No, me just take longer break than me expected.
c) Congratulations!
d) THAT am long story!
e) What? What am you talking bout? You am crazy! You am crazy person!

Me am

a) sorry me not been round to comment on you postings,
b) really bad typist,
c) extremely well endowed,
d) super genius dapper man about town,
e) Monstee,

but me have been really, really

a) busy lately.
b) bushy lately.
c) buggy lately.
d) late to business school.
e) up to no good.

You never gonna believe this but me have been really busy

a) in a contest with Barney to see who could hold out posting longer.
b) climbing up and sliding down St. Louis Arch screaming "HI KATE!".
c) Taking me gal to movie in Singapore and having to deal with guy behind us who NO stop huffing and puffing!!!
d) signing autographs posing as Kelsey Grammer
e) not getting out of bed because me so depressed that FMC am going off the market despite fact that me very happy for her.

Friends from down south called while back and ask if me want to come visit. Me always like to meet new internet friends so me go. They ask me to babysit while they go out for food for dinner. Me wished me seen that movie first, cause when penguins go out for dinner it takes like THREE OR FOUR MONTHS!!! They no drive, they WALK EVERYWHERE!! How dumb am that. So me sit on kid for few days then leave note and bring him back to cave. He good kid. He likes him beers!


a) "OH how cute!"
b) "Monstee! We didn't know you had so much ankle fat!"
c) "Penguins is practically chickens..."
d) all of the below
e) none of the above

Before we go home me take kid to big type amusement park and load him up on popcorn and chili-cheese corn dogs with extra onions and large plastic alien heads full of coke. There we decide to try to break record of longest time on roller coaster. 103 hours and fifty-five minutes. We do good at start, but he get board after bout 103 1/2 hours, so we quit. Arrow show where we was.


a) all of the above
b) "OH how cute!"
c) "Did you puke?"
d) "Penguins eat puke. If you pukes, would the little guy eat it?"
e) all of oil

Me never did

a) up chuck,
b) barf,
c) sell Buicks,
d) hurl,
e) flog the bishop,

cause me was little too busy holding on and trying to figure out what was best part of me life flashing before me eyes. When it was over me was ready to go, but kid was all wound up so me think that quick trip to petting zoo quite him down. There we see Burleson Arabians, the smallest breed of horse.
a) They was spicy!!!
b) They a all day crock pot kinda thing.
c) all of the side
d) Me know what 'flog the bishop' really mean.
e) Best thing am they come with they own floss!

So kid finally give out one humongous burp that smell like hoof, drop the hoof out his beak, and pass out. Me get him back to cave just in time to get call from me latest gal and think tank member Tara Reid.


a) "OH how cute!"
b) "OH MY GOD MONSTEE!"
c) one of the above and one of the below.
d) If you know her, she not as much a bimbo as you think she am!
e) If you no know her, she a bigger bimbo than you think she am.

She remind me that we have meeting with think tank. Now me have sleeping penguin kid with me and am going on like 8 or 9 days with no sleep so me offer to have it here at cave. Believe me, last think you want am bunch of brainy nerds hanging round you place complaining bout you snacks. Anyway... what we come up with am design for worlds largest toilet seat! It so big, we decide to keep them in orbit!


a) "OH now that's just silly!"
b) "OH now that's a great idea!"
c) "What? I'm sorry. I'm still looking at the boob."
d) the one above
e) The Great Below - NIN

So me dear friends and readers.... yeah, and YOU LURKERS TOO... me am back. For how long me not know. That was one really nice week+ off me had there. Me probably will do it again some time. But for now me got to get to reading all you blogs. Me sure me have to

a) read four or five posting from most of you
b) read Dr. Evil Scientist's post
c) keep waiting for next chapter from Dr. Maroon
d) keep waiting for anything from El Barbudo
e) post blunt cog strip
f) read the 5 or 6 chapters posted by SafeT
g) check in and see if Sara Laughing again
h) talk 'LOST' with Smacky
me) Read the 5,623 postings from Heatherfeather
j) just get back in groove.

See ya there!

Ahoy New People - Find the secret hidden message and win a prize!

(Note to old people: Me not excluding you in title, just go with it an you see...)
((Note to them that took offence to being called old people: Fuck off! You know what me meant. Old as in you not new to cave like these other shmoes me talking to. Now shut up!))
(((Note to you gits who tool offence to being called shmoe: It just sounds bad! Really, it a good name. You WANT to be a shmoe! Really. Just keep reading.)))

Me am Monstee! This am me cave. Me live here, sleep here, dream here... and sometimes... fall in love here. Oh sure, it not much. Dark, dank, slimy, smells of beer, vomit and used ky-jelly, but it am home to me and you am welcome.

Recently in many of them other peoples blogs me read me have been coming across common topic of Blogging Addiction. This get me to thinking. Me in NO way think me am addicted to blogging, because me can stop whenever me want! Really!! It no big deal. Me just blog now and again cause me like it. It am nice to get comments back from people who read you blog, but me not do it for that. No, in fact me recently check me stats and me see that me tend to get over 1000 unique people a month logging on and checking out cave. Over 100 unique people a day! That pretty good numbers for me. Oh sure, those of you who am old time cavedwellers be standing up about now saying Hey Monstee! What you talking bout? Last year you was looking ways to get people to find you blog and check you out! You started Monstee's Discount Cave Of Porn!! (p.p.) just for that reason. Am you saying you over all that?

Yes. Me not doing this for readers anymore. Sure, me get the numbers now, from all over world... but they not staying. No, sad fact am that 70% of all me traffic through cave am here for less than 30 second. They not looking for Monstee, they looking for something else. Why, just take look at what they searching for when they get here!!!

Nude - This am the number one search that bring people here. OK, me do this. Hey, what good am having Monstee's Discont Cave Of Porn (p.p.) if you not mention word nude?

Suck Satan's Cock - Ok, me can see this. Me use Bill Hicks famous quote in post around here somewhere.

reese's commercial hey you got chocolate in my peanut butter hey you got peanut butter in my chocolate - Yeah, me did do rant on this some time ago...

eat jar peanut butter a day - What the? Interesting idea, but me not know why it get you here.

nude girls - Ok, more porn.

little willys songs - Me am at a total loss on this. Did me EVER talk about Little Wills or songs about them? NO! So why they fuck search engine bring people here?

yoplait yogurt commercial - Ok, yes, me did do rant on how this thing suck!! MAN IT SUCK!!!

young nude free - Yeah, more porn.

removing gaul bladder - When, WHEN me EVER talk abuot that? Don't you thinkg that this am the type of thing you would remember posting about?

kanaan gang - Me not event know what THAT am.

taste the rainbow enema gross - WHAT THE FUCK?

ingredients mr. pib - Now this am funny cause anyone who know me know... me a pepper.

parapism - Little known fact.... That me middle name.

duct taped and tied up men photos - OK NOW FUCK YOU GOOGLE!! NO!! ME KNOW FOR FACT THAT ME NEVER, NEVER EVER TALKED ABOUT ANYTHING LIKE THAT!!!

long schlongs - NO! Fuck no!! Stop it!!

satans cock images - Not here, but at lease me understand why link get made. Me talk about Satans cock, me have images... it make sense.

shortest chain saw made - This make NO sense!! For what you need somthng like this? Playing Leatherface with mice? Never fucking talked about it! Don't sell it! Why it bring people here?!?!

sexoholic disorder - Me have mentioned Sarah haven't me? Joke!! Me KID!! That what me do!! Me a funny guy! (she not gonna hit me am she?)

dumb stuff to do online - Did me talk about this? Oh, lord only knows.

felching rimjob - Ok. Yes. Them words did appear on list when me was doing my News In Literature post. But me bet anyone who come here from tht search am going to be little bit disapointed!

stop commenting on my blog - (sigh)

large girls - porn...

sploshing - Me don't know...

two snooker balls in a sock - OK, hold it!! Why? What am point? Me know it am reference to having big BALLS or something, but me no make it!!! That not even sound like me, do it? Me have balls so big they like two snooker balls in a sock! NO!

adrianne barbeau - Of all me exes, she am only one who brings in the searches. Thanks babe!

sex girl - porn

explain the odor of chrysanthemums - Fuck off and die!

were is black water cave - up you ass?

cough chunk pneumonia - As opposed to titter slice pneumonia.

enormous schlongs - God damn it.

girls sliming each other - Who... what.... why.... HUH?

monstee machine - This just make me wonder what they was looking for when they type this into search engine to begin with!

You see? That am the type of shit that MOST of me readers am looking for. Do me oblige them, no. Me not here for that. Me here to do what ME want. That's what blogging am for me.

Oh, and regarding that prize for finding secret hidden message in post. Me just trying to get you new people to hang out more than 30 seconds!! It's ALL total wank!! HAHAHA!! IT AM THE NUMBERS! That what it all about! Me get bigger numbers, me win!!! HAHAHA!!
ME AM MONSTEE!!

April 06 Smuggies!

Well the Smug Awards have come an gone and me did not make out so bad.

Voted Best Single Strip!

Voted Runner Up, Best Technical Innovation!

Voted Runner Up, Best Series!

Voted Best Script Writer!

Voted Best 6 Panel Strip!

Me like to thank the little people for voting for me. So you guys figure out amongst youselfes which three am shortest and you the ones!

Five out of 16 possible... ALMOST 1/3!!! Me think it am me godlike humility that keep me from winning all of them and proving just how great me am.

Now me got to find place to put them. Hard to display major awards in cave like this. Me just got new spice rack and IT not fit on wall very well. Well, me find place soon.

Ugh!

Tag, A-Z A lot About Me

*for SOL*

Accent: Monsteespeak...you try taking with huge lower fangs in you face!

Booze of Choice: Jagermeister!

Chore I hate: Cavework

Favorite Perfume: On woman... Red... or fear. On me... whatever fresh to roll in... or beef and onions.

Gold or Silver: mmMMmmmsilver

Hometown: The onion BBS.

Insomnia: yes!

Job title: Kooky Monster.

Kids: 1 hatchling so far. Was hoping for 3 so me get one of each.

Living arrangement: Liquor in the font, poker in the rear!

Most admired trait(s): Boundless Cool - Genius - Dapper Man About Town - Godlike humility

Number of sexual partners: What you mean? At one time? Overall? Do getting a Lewinsky count? They say when you sleep with someone you am sleeping with everyone they ever slept with, so we could be talking millions.

Overnight hospital stays: When me get one of me stomachs stapled. Me tried tapping it, but it just not stick.

Phobia: Heights, live uncooked spiders, disgruntle barbers, Rhonda, suddenly shrinking down to one inch height and finding that little house me make out of lego's for me to live in have been taken apart by somebody and not put back together, being tagged to be stupid meme!

Quote: "In an insane society, a sane man must appear insane." - Mr. Spock

Religion: Monstaism

Siblings: Shmiblings!

Time I wake up: When me done sleeping.

Unusual talent/skill: Roadkill profiler, me can eat me weight in pasta, me breath peels paint

Vegetables I refuse 2 eat: The ones that say "HEY! DON'T FUCKIN EAT ME!!"

Worst habit: Killing people who tag me for memes.

X-rays: Needed to get specs to see that!

Yummy foods I make: Every thing me make am yummy!!! Why me go out of way to make shitty food?!?!

Zodiac Sign: Feces

Me will tag nobody cause me no want to get beat up... but... if you want to look really really cool... feel free!

Musical 8 Ball

ok, so Smacky ripped off sombody and Kate and Grrface ripped him off and now me am ripping ALL them off and if you wanna be kool like us, me suggest you rip me off and do this real quick on you blog. All the hip kids am doing it!

What you do am open you favorite computerized music player (ipod, itunes, whaever), set it to shuffle, and then ask each of these questions. Have Fun!

What do you think of me, itunes?
It must be love - Madness (Now that am nice!)

Will I have a happy life?
King of pain - The Police (Fuck.)

What do my friends really think of me?
Chemical Warfare - Dead kennedys (Me am NOT on drugs!!!)

Do people secretly lust after me?
Go Speed Racer Go! - Sponge (Hey! What that suposted to mean?)

How can I make myself happy?
Closer to God - NIN (...now we're back to fuck. Guess me need some churchin up.)

What should I do with my life?
Psychotherapy - Ramones (...ya trying to tell me somthing?)

Why must life be so full of pain?
Big Me - Foo Fighters (You calling me fat?)

How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
Remove Bones From Face Before Inserting In Hot Bird - NDI (if me had a dime for every time me thought of that...)

Will I ever have children?
Bizarre Love Triangle - New Order (That kinda makes sence in a way...)

Will I die happy?
Under Pressure - Queen (...ok, fat AND stress filled...)

Can you give me some advice?
The Futures so Bright I Gotta Wear Shades - Timbuck Three (Finally, somthing good!)

What do you think happiness is?
Get Down Make Love - NIN (Maybe there am somthing to all this!! Me like!)

What's my favorite fetish?
Jerkin' Back 'n' Forth - Devo (NO!!! Random chance!! That all it am, just random chance!!)

Monstee has never gotten VD!

It just make no sense to me. When me was little Monstee, we was made to make valentines for everyone in class. Then we was told that valentines day am for lovers or people who want to be lovers to write notes and give gifts. ME NO WANT TO BE LOVERS WITH TAFARI HOUSTON*!!! Me no want to be lovers with ANY of little boys in me class, so why me got to make valentines for them? So they not feel left out? TOUGH!! What am you pushing off on me young mind here teacher? Polyamery?!?!

As me get older, me look into history to try to make sense of strange holiday. It seem that their am stories about some old St. Valentine... but stories am varied and conflicting. Their may have been as many as 3. They was all martyrs. Cool. Hey baby, some old cardinal or priest or something went and got himself deaded bout thousand years ago. It was probably gross and everything. Wanna make out and sit by lake and watch birds and feed each other candy? Hello? We talking possibly beheading and maybe disemboweling! That not make you all romantic? OH! So sorry, me was trying to reach you roommate. Am she there? Hey baby... what me said earlier. What? You know who this am. Wanna be me dead priest? Me said you KNOW who this am! It am you valentine! NO ITS NOT BLAIN**!!

And the gifts!!! Cards with hearts on them. Boxes in shape of hearts with candy in them. Little bears holding hearts. Pillow shaped like hearts with sayings on them. Everywhere you look, hearts, hearts, hearts! They all fake!! FAKE!! You ever try giving real heart for valentines day? It real buzz kill let me tell you!! If nobody want real bit bloody heart on valentines day, why they go and have all the fake ones around all over place?!?!

Best valentines day me ever have me spend alone after me piss off me current girlfriend*** at time. Me had wanted to do something special so me look in phone book to get her big valentine. Me as thinking big! Me was thinking chocolate! Me was thinking adult. Me find place that say me could get really big adult cake surprise thingy for some low rate per hour. Me was a little confused but if it came with chocolate inside then me would take it. They say it could and the "chocolate" would even "love" me girlfriend as much as me wanted for little more money. Me not know why they use quotes when they talk but me make plans to have cake delivered. It not go as planed. When me girl see big cake with its read heart pinned to side of cake and trap door on top and music playing from inside, she go ballistic and storm out, leaving ME to eat entire cake by meself. It not best cake me ever have. It not very sweet, kinda cardboardy. But the middle was fresh, juicy, meaty and kinda screamy! But again me got screwed cause me taste NO chocolate at all!!!

Me hate VD.


*Boy me go to little school with.
**Boy me go to little school with.
***Girl me go to High school with.

International Monstee of mystery

Well, me have been trying to come up with really good posting for cave recently. Since me outed evil spawn a Satan last post me have actually tried starting several new entries... but either the interweb pixies am mad at me or the world wide net trolls am hungry cause either way all them postings have either gotten eaten by editor just before me was going to save them (causing me to decide if me really want to go and try to remake nice 2 1/2 hour post of just throw up paws and curse until me feel better) or the nice little neat do-dad do-hicky thingamajig who-ha whatzit me was going to add to post just not work right (causing me to decide if me really want to go and spend another 2 1/2 hours trying to get code to work right of just throw up paws and curse until me feel better). Guess what shit me did?

Me have had somethings work out though. Me have been helping out with ideas and artwork for new Internet Comic Strip called Blunt Cogs.
It am really funny strip put together by some of our friends "across the pond." Me not sure what pond they talking bout but me think them guys and gals am from strange far away places like Ire... ton, and Scotsdale... and... and... Eng.. el... burg... yeah, Engelburg. Something like that. Engelburg Humperdink! They good guys... NO! Chaps! Chaps, they all good chaps... or blokes. Chaps or blokes... what the HELL am the difference? HOW YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!?! It am like them people have different work for EVERYTHING!!! And it not even make no sense! Over there... they smoke fags! FAGS!! And if they make mistake, they use rubbers!! HAHAHA! RUBBERS!! We use rubbers to AVOID mistakes!!! ...and keep feet dry. OK, that weird, but still. AND they got birds over there! Me know, we got birds over here too, but they talk to theirs. They talk to them and try to date them. ME NO LIE! But now, stop and think... We date birds over here too, we just call them chicks! See? We not so different after all!! ...oh screw you! Me like em so me going to welcome em to cave with open arms.

'Ello boys! 'Ello ladies! Me am Monstee! Welcome ta me cave. 'Ow's a trip over? 'Ope ya warm enough. Fancy a pint? 'Eres a moldy box o porn for ya ta sit on. Let's 'ave a drink shall we. If ya don't wants ta chat, feel free ta 'ang in the shadows. Me wont mind and if anyone says different, then 'e's a right lying tosser and can bloody well naff off and kiss my ass!!! ARSE!!! ARSE!!! It's arse right? Arse? ...Or bum? WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE FOR FUCK'S SAKE?!?

The fix is in

It have come to me attention that some of pics at cave have no been showing up in certain browsers or on certain computers along our info-highway.

Why you people no tell me this earlier?!?!

Many thanks to Ivar for filling Monstee in (even though me was at friends house last week and me discover problem meself). To repay kindness, you am moved to back of line for torture and ridicule... er, hazing... er, special welcoming to cave. But because you as only second to last person to be new at cave (and self confessed lurker) that only put one person in front of you....

Hello PerversoActor! Me have been to you blog.... did not understand one word. Ok, one word... maybe two. Three or four tops, but it help if me know what language it am in. Me would like to welcome you in you native language, but me not know what country you am from. Am it Hungry, Turkey, Greece?

mmmMMMmmmmmmturkeygrease....

NO! You NO distract Monstee with talk of you yummy homeland stuffed with bread crumbs and sitting in pan with mouth-watering drippings!! Me am Monstee! Me want to know why nobody tell me they not be seeing all Monstee's pictures that me be going out of way to hang on cave wall?

Me am approachable! Me am friendly! Me post me email address and AIM Handel for all to see just in case they want to reach out and say something like "Hi Monstee! How am you? Me can no see all you pictures you so lovingly hang on cave wall for everyone to enjoy! Me must be idiot!" Then me would very nicely says "NO! You am no stupid for THAT reason. That am problem with way me browser download certain pics. Me just discover it and am in process of fixing problem files.... MOTARD!!" But NooooOOOOOOOoooooo!!! You people all just go on giggling behind Monstee's back under him nose bout how he keep posting pictures nobody but him can see.

NOW me know why nobody give Monstee very many caption ideas for him funny picture.
You can see it now? If no, you going to tell Monstee? If you do see pic, feel free to go back and check out other pics you might have missed. We am fixing and updating all the time (which am definitely taking time away from developing lurker detected). Hopefully, soon ALL of me pics will be fixed and you then have NO problem seeing all Monstee's pretty pictures.

Me no like to post pictures that can no be picked up by all people... but if you have right kind of computer, link, server and browser... maybe you like to see dirty picture of last first time Monstee have sex.And before you start asking same old questions all over again...
1) Yes! She am shaving me ass.
2) NO. That am not midget arm sticking out of side of waterbed, it am blow up doll that get stuffed there somehow. Midget am taking picture.
3) Yes! Them am real tattoos on her body. Pic not so good to show all of them but there am Bat with yellow eyes, Oingo Boingo skull, chain of dancing beans, portrait of Sting (in circle with line through it), portrait of Danny Elfman (in circle with line through it), portrait of Monstee (NOTE: this am old pic. Today tattoo of Monstee portrait am in circle with line through it and next to portrait of Trent Reznor... DANG YOU Reznor! You one up me once again!), Band Logo's (The Police, The Sex Pistols, The Ramones, The Damned, The Dickies, Gen X, Misfits, Dead Kennedys, Devo, Black Flag, Sisters of Mercy, The Clash, Oingo Boingo, Adam & the Ants, Elvis Costello, XTC, Joe Jackson, the specials), Slippery when wet sign, scratch and sniff sign, Exit only sign (in circle with line through it), the covers of like the first 10 Steven King books, a shark with a MOD hat.
4) No. That am NOT optical illusion. They am that big and their spectacular.
5) NO. There am only 5 adult toys. You am counting pink one twice cause it wrap around.
6) Yes. You may download pic for you own use.


Feel free to submit caption for either pic!

Monstee gives credit where credit is due

Tam the season to be Monstee,
Fa la la la la, Mmmm mmmm mmm mmmmmmmmmmm.....

What?!?! You am saying. Monstee posting twice in same week? YES me am. Me am in such a good mood that just had to tell you guys. ...and screw you, me post as often or not at me want!

Anyway, what me love most about this time of year am that me hangover am just about going away and me start getting me belated MonstaShanah presents. Just imagine me surprise when me go to get mail and find box left at mouth of cave from "POP The Soda Shop!"

Now truth be know me was already expecting box because me secrete Santa (me know what me spelled... YOU not know what fat man do on Monster Holidays!) already tell me they getting it for me. Me not going to tell you who it am because me not want you all hounding them for free drinks youself, but me would like take opportunity to point out me really super good friend Kate before me forget. HI KATE!!! You totally rock for no other reason than you just being youself!!! Thanks for everything (if you know what me mean... wink, wink)!!! Now me not want to get into debate if Kate am nicest person in world or not, cause then we got to start comparing her to Mother Teresa and Jesus and me and we not got time for all that. But me did want to mention her because what you know? Box happen to have some of her favorite soda inside! What am the odds?!?

ABITA Root Beer/ INGREDIENTS: Carbonated Water, cane sugar, caramel color, root beer flavor, phosphoric acid

Now me was expecting good things from this drink because, 1) it am brewed like beer and 2)CANE SUGAR. Me figure, what can go wrong, but although me love root beer, me never had this Kind and really not know what to expect. Here am transcript of what go on in Monstee's head after me drink.

DRINK #1

Adult half of brain: SWEET!!!
Picky kid half of brain: What is this? This is different!
     I don't like this! I want IBC!
Man in labcoat who analyze everything: SWEET!!!
7/9ths of brain that relate everything to everything else:
     No wonder Kate's so sweet!
Super taster who like to pick out flavors in food and drink: Lord GOD that is sweet!!
Sense of fairplay: Now don't judge a soda by your first
     drink.
Inner child half of brain: Can I have another drink of that?

Drink #2

Adult half of brain: Wow is that sweet!
Picky kid half of brain: This is different! It not at all like
     IBC!
Man in labcoat who analyze everything: SWEET!!!
7/9ths of brain that relate everything to everything else:
     Kate doesn't have a sweet tooth, she had a sweet skull!
Super taster who like to pick out flavors in food and drink: OK, there is really root beer in there... sweet, but
     root beer none the less...
Sense of fairplay: You really should finish that before
     making judgment.
Inner child half of brain: Can I have another BIG drink of
     that?

Drink #3

Adult half of brain: Ya know, that's not bad!
Picky kid half of brain: I can drink this!
Man in labcoat who analyze everything: I hope we don't
     lose a foot!
7/9ths of brain that relate everything to everything else:
     If Dr. Pepper is still the best.... then this is about a
     Dr. Pep! Its right up there with Mr. Pib!
Super taster who like to pick out flavors in food and drink: Oh god, the brewing process has cooked the sugar
     into a caramel flavor the just sits under the root beer
     flavor and waits for you to find it...yum.
Sense of fairplay: I think my work here is done.
Inner child half of brain: Can I have my own bottle of that?

Drink #4+

All parts of brain: Oh wow... that's almost as good as sex.

Oh before me forget, me also want to thank Heatherfeather for what she do for me night before last. Thanks Heatherfeather!! You have no idea how frustrated me was before you do that for me! Of ALL me new best gal cavedwellers... you the latest!

Oh, NotKate also include couple of BAWLS GUARANA High Caffeine Guarana Beverage. It was pretty good too... a little lemon/limey. Once me get over fact that it come in bottle shaped like french tickeling adult toy me find if quite refreshing. Even though it it have so much caffeine it give me Van Halen Legs.

My Ex Is A Big Bitch

If you like me then you am getting little but sick of hearing bout fancy shmancy celebrities breaking up they famous amous relationships.

...not because you can no stand in line at store or turn on radio or TV without hearing bout them... but because you cause or capitalize on them and it make you feel little bit guilty.

Now EVERYBODY know that when there am big breakup a nice transistion monstee am just what you need to get over you bad feelings of loss and sadness and bitterness and hungry and sweaty and itchy and mopey and squishy and drunk and horny an just wanting to forget about all that an move on to something new and better and blue and hairy.

So now me question am... Do that make me bad Monstee for keeping that in mind when me hear about breakups or relationships on rocks? Me mean, when you first hear about Nick and Jessica what was you first thought? For me it was "Woo Hoo! Now me have a shot!"
Now me not going to say me have anything to do with they breakup... but me just going to say that me REALLY wanted to be there "for her" if you know what me mean..

And this not first time me do something like this. There was Jennifer Aniston. After thing with Brad she just want to get away and hang out on beach. That OK with me! Me love to rub lotion all over... WELL! You no want her to burn do you!!!

And Melissa Joan Heart. She like to walk around town with Monstee on leash, showing off she am TOTALLY over what's his name. It funny, you no think that Sabrina teenage witch am way into S&M.

And Mandy Moor? Big porn, sex club, group and sex magic freak. Me was amazed! Shocked and amazed! Pleasantly so!







And
did
me
mention Jennifer Aniston?















You know, funny thing am me seem to be missing me pictures of me and Paris. Hmmmmmm, How am THAT for irony?

...but me have been commenting!

OKOKOKOK! So me haven't been posting much this month. Give me break! Thanksgiving am different for monsters than it am for you people! First off, it am 4 days long and we never have leftovers. You just eat till you pass out and pray that nobody force more food into you gullet while you sleeping. You think you get sleepy after you gorge? Me have you know that this time of year eating feasts often cause many monsters to drift off into monthly hibernation cycles that can last weeks! Those of us who no go into long term sleep tend to take to street in search of more turkey necks and hamhoks and bologna & potato chip sandwich and gizzards and scrapple and tripe and chitlins and monkey brains and them big bugs that they eat in Indiana Jones II (the crappy one) and soup with eyeballs and buckets of nightcrawlers and cranberry sauce and beef hearts and chicken hearts and turkey hearts and artichoke hearts and hearts are trump and are you still and reading this and or did you and or just skip and down to and the end of and the list and diamonds and clubs and spades and snips and snail's and puppy dog tails and that fuzzy stuff that have been in back of fridge for like six months that am now fuzzy and hairy and you no know if it am meat or cake but am pretty sure that it am not meatcake and some wired soup that have like hotdogs and greenbeans in it and macaroni and cheese that have been made in microwave without adding any water and Bread and apples and very small rocks and cider and great gravy and cherries and mud and churches and lead and a duck and largemough and smallmouth and walleyed too and crappies out the ass and potato chicks and cheese girls and soft & fluffy carp and the white stuff and two all beef patties and special sauce and lettuce and cheese and pickle and onion and a sesame seed bun and ROADKILL!!! TONS & TONS OF ROADKILL!!!!

So... no indifference to last comment me get on last posting (you hit scroll bar and look it up! After all that me am in NO mood to put link in there for just to take you to last postings!) Me am sorry for not posting so much lately but me have been working on stuff. Stuff you see in future... me hope.

AND, me have also been keeping up YOU and your little blogs out there. So just to fill out this little posting of nonsense, me will include last comments me make at all you blogs tonight. If you already read them... well you get to read them again. For you me will not tell who get what comment so you have to guess who get what where and so forth... ...this could be fun.

mmmmMMMMMmmmmcrappygasstationmicrowaveburgers...
When you toilet grow feet? It must have got feet if it am running!
Hehehehe!
toilet at cave grow nose... Because it am smelling!!! HAHAHAHAHA!

Me feel so bad for... what his name is. But, me also feel good for him for me know personally that life am better without really big bitch in it all of time.

Also... PEEPS?!?!?! YAHGH!! HO NO! PEEPS!!! YAAAAAAGH!!!! Peepspeepspeepspeepspeepspeespepessepeespsspseps...
ARRRGGGGHHHHHHGHGYUCKHGARRRAGRRGRGRJHRHRHABLECKAAH

::pant pant::

...how you people eat such things?

NASCAR Ice Cream?

It say it turbo-charged with rich chocolate fudge, crunchy chocolate-covered peanuts and exclusive fudge-filled race cars.

Hmmmm... Me think you should watch out eating anything that have pressurized injection system in it own engine!

Me also think you have pretty smile, but try not to do it with chunks of fudge-filled race cars in teeth.

HOW MANY TIMES ME GOT TO TELL YOU?!?! Ramones am best band ever! Me have only heard of half of band on you list and me can guess that other half am just as crappy! How you possibly describe youself as ultimate partier when you listen to such shmalts and groupie oriented music? You need exposed to other music not on radio or coming out phones of you friends! Get out on you own! Read a book too!

This have all been said with like.

IT AM PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHAT FOR SHOULD DIE!

"You might say, the secret ingredient is salt." - Marge Simpson

If you am asking me... me say that spices am the spice of life! If used properly, them can turn the most mediocre cook into a spicy tasty not that bad cook. Me know me had cooking window opened when me learned what to do with Basil and Shallots.

P.S. Me am surprised that no one mention anything about if wife have nice rack to use with spices. Me guess that am me job to make such lowbrow humor, but me not going to do it! Nyea.

Nice. Me like!

Me refuse to believe one word of you posting. Why? Because me know for fact it have at least ONE lie in there, and if there am one lie, then can be others. What lie you ask? That one about girls gone wild girl. Me know for fact that them girls am NOT real. They am robots or puppets or something. Me refuse to believe that they am real... for with me being so old... it just too sad to think what me am missing.

Oh sure, there am easy ones like...
"To get to the other side."
...but you looking for funnier ones like...
"Walk out? Help me find my keys and we'll drive out!"
"Me Injun Joe. Me check for bees."
"Hilittleboy.""Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii..."

It's peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time
Where he at Where he at Where he at Where he at
There he go There he go There he go There he go
Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly
Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly,
Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat...

Well.... shit.

Ok, so me not been around much lately but hey, me been sick.

Well... Me guess me am still sick, but me hope to be getting over it soon. Me have for some reason got big infected tooth! Can you no believe it? ME! With infected fang! At first me think it was just massive indigestion from eating giant four foot ball of hair with bullseye taped to it, but no. Me have bad in me mouth and me have to do ME time at dentist to get it fixed. The tooth have already half exploded from me chewing on me hard crunchy things... and while me waiting for appointment, it get infected. Me did not think there germ out there that want to live in me body. Me guess contrary to all hate mail me get over LAST post... Monstee really am sweet.

Well kiddies, to tied you over while me drooling on couch watching infomercial and The View, me have gathered up all postings from Sarah's place having to do with Bear Story and posted them in back of cave. (For those of you who no know, back in early-mid September Sara stay away from her blog for long time and people start treating her comments like chat room and some of us start entertaining ourselves by writing cute little story about a Bear.)

Feel free email me with additional chapters if you want, just try to keep consistency of project.

Wish me well kids! Me like going to dentist bout as well as me like going to... oh, let say hell. But till me start feeling better, you work on story and here am things to think about:

1. Why we always telling kids to be good and not take candy from strangers, then on Halloween we dress them up like evil things and make them take candy from strangers?
2. Am there anything more disgusting than mouthful of puss? (now me know where you gutterminded people am going, but when you start getting mouthful of THAT every 20-30 minutes all day long then we talk. (and when we talk me say you made bad career choice))
3. You ever notice how there am no rule when you add funny and sad together? You never know what you going to get. Me mean, clowns am funny and crying am sad. If you add them together... crying clown am sad. Now, walking in on someone masturbating in bathtub am funny... buuuut walking in on clown crying while masturbating in bathtub am fucking hysterical!
4. Do dung beetles poop? If so, am that not like pooping you own food?
5. If you could poop you own food, what would you poop and would you eat it?

Discuss.

:]

YOU WRITE THE CAPTION!

So if you no notice, me have not been posting for while. That because me have been busy doing other stuff and will get back to it as soon as me can.

What have me been doing all this time Monstee?
MIND YOU OWN BUSINESS YOU PERSON WITH BIG NOSE!!!!

OH, me am so sorry. Me not know where THAT come from. Me have been under pressure for little while now and guess me need to blow off steam little. Sorry it at you.

Is there some kind of problem Monstee?
WHAT DID ME SAY?!? KEEP YOU BIG NOSE OUT OF ME BUSINESS PERSONAL LIFE!!!

Sorry, sorry...
Really, me not know what that am all about...

So ANYWAY... shut up and let me get on with it.

Me have run across funny picture that need good caption. Me not think of good caption, so me not post picture. Then me think of you. You can give funny picture good caption. But me not going to post it until me know you am going to play along, SO... when me run across other funny picture and want you all to put funny caption to picture, me put this one up.



(you caption here)

Please leave caption in comments (feel free to be anonymous) or Email me.

Monster Profiling

Me got pulled over tonight. Am me mad? Not really. If me understand why me get pulled over and me think it am understandable... then it am ok with me. What me HATE am when me hit one of those road blocks and not know what it for. But still it am the police and you gotta act all nice and polite to them... it like...
"Oh, thank you for randomly hassling me this evening officer!"

But this time it was different. Me notice they was stopping everyone with blue hair or that am a monster American. That mean monster profiling... but me understand profiling and me not have a problem with it if there am a problem with some monster thingy out there. You may or not may know the me have been trying to warn people about THEM for long time now. Some of you understand what me trying to do... others just poo poo me!

mmMMMMmmmmpoo poo platter....

NO! You no take away or make little of what Monstee have to say! Me try to tell you! Me try to warn you! Do you listen? Do you HEAR?!?! ME NOT KNOW!!!!

...but me did clip this out of newspaper and scan it for you guys to see.
click to enlarge


Me hate to say me told you so... but...
Nyna nyna, nyna nyna!

Strange Things Afoot in the Mouth of the Cave!

Why? Why ME?!? Why do things like this keep happening to me??!!??!!?

Well, by now me guess that you notice things am little strange round here now. Me have to say, me no like it. If you no notice, then you must have you sound turned down. If you no have sound on you computer, then you am out of date freak who am living on desert island with string and tin cans for you dial up and bunch of monkeys plugging into banana tree for you server. It ok, me am just figment of you imagination. You can skip all me ranting and raving in THIS post and just go boil you other shoe for brunch. But remember, salt am salt but sand am NOT pepper! mmMMMMmmmshoebrunch...

NO! You no distract Monstee with talk of leather snack/meal in nice location while screaching wild life fling poo at you while eating!!! Me am Monstee! Me am in VERY bad mood! Things am not going well in cave and you am just visiting... ME have to live here!!!

"But Monstee... what am going on here?" you ask? Me make big mistake and have accadent and now... THIS! Why? Why me have to go an try to play internet god? Why? Me know why... Because me am. NO! It am those LURKERS... That am why cave am now like is am, the lurkers....

You see, me have been working on way to find out who the lurkers am, and humiliate er... Include them in fun, but up till now me have been having problem with Monstee's Lurker detector. What me wanted was way to access computer of lurker and turn they screen into camera! Then me take picture of them and post it showing them and saying... oh, nice and friendly things about then. Good Idea huh? BUT NOOOOooooOOO!!! Me had to go and spill jar of liquid reference extractor into backmasking reverse engineering housing and then telepathic thought detector circuits fuse in new and strange way that begin causing feedback impulses that begin looping over and over and voyeur and favor andy Volvo DNA rover and ME CAN NO STOP IT!!!

:::pant:::pant:::pant:::

In simple human term that even island bob no soundcard can understand am this. We am all being subjected to thoughts and feelings of all visitors to Monstee's Cave... but those thoughts and feelings am being interpreted and expressed through bizarre and obscure TV and Movie references. OKOKOKOK!!! YES!!! Me do most of me scientific stuff on top of old pile of old TV guides!!! You wanna make something of it??? Where were you last time you accidentally created artificial intelligence??? Hmmmm??? Me was in bathroom trying to make improved electric toothbrush!!! Was it smart??? Yes! Was it better toothbrush??? NO! It was evil! Did me not mention me ONLY HAVE SEVEN TEETH!!!!

This am last straw!!! Me am going to get them Lurkers if it last thing me do!!!!

Me am Monstee!

You are a Black Coffee in a Dirty Cup with a Blue Hair in it

At your best, you are: low maintenance, friendly, and a garbage disposal At your worst, you are: cheap, angsty and smell of porn You drink coffee when: you can get your paws on it Your caffeine addiction level: so high as to be off the freakin charts

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

Your Blogging Type is Cutting Edge, Amusing and Sex Godish

You're a legendary storyteller, and you amuse many with your anecdotes and nearly psychic insights. In fact, you can turn the dullest part of your day into a colorful event (that is usually blue). You're also up on what's new and cool - from fashions, to links, to gadgets, to the pleasures of a woman. You're the perfect combo: down to earth, funny, a little mischievous, and the greatest lover on the planet.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

You Are Coffee Ice Cream in a Dirty Bowl with a Blue Hair in it

Energetic and lively, you are always on the go, go, go Speed Racer go!. You're doing a million things at once and doing them so well that only a fool would question you. You tend to motivate others, raise spirits and "excite" women. You are most compatible with chocolate ice cream (who REALLY wants to go out with you, if you like her, because she likes you. If you want, I can pass her a note in gym next hour.).

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

Your IQ Is 185

Your Logical Intelligence is Better than a Vulcan Your Verbal Intelligence is beyond Words Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Exceptionally Sexy Your Overall Brainpower is Stronger than the Lord of Sith

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

You Are a Boston Terrier Puppy with a Bad Smell and snot problems

Aggressive, wild, blood thirsty and rambunctious. Deep down, you're just a cuddle monster that wants to hump a leg.

What Breed of Puppy Are You?

You Are Ugly Used Underwear!

Comfortable, soft and broken in, more people like you than let on. But it's very difficult for you to show yourself in public. You smell and you may have holes.

What Crappy Gift Are You?

You Are A Sexual Butterfly

You love your friends so much... Biblically! You're motto is "the more, the merrier"! Making sure everyone's included is your mission of love And you always prefer a group of ten to a group of two... in bed.

What Kind of Friend Are You?

Me have totally awesome set of tools

What? Monstee am posting more than once a week? Yeah, yeah, yeah... screw!

This post am in response to recent IM me get from lurker who wish to remain nameless. They say that they like visit Monstee's cave to look at funny pictures Monstee change. Me just want to respond thusly:

ME NEVER CHANGE PICTURE IN ME LIFE!!!

It am true! Me no CHANGE pictures, me analyze them. There am big difference. When you change pic you make it look different than it did by adding new stuff like cars, taking out stuff you no want like ugly people and changing the look of what am there like airbrushing boobies. What am left an what you want, but it am changed. Me NEVER do that. Me have really good set analysis tools that let Monstee look over pic file (inside and out) and whatever me find when me analyze, me can bring out. It am nothing new and me not take nothing away! Me just showing what am already there, but hidden by other stuff in file and using THAT stuff to hide what am already obvious. Not a change, just an analysis. You want proof? Ok.....

Here me am giving you access to 3 of Monstee's old pic tools. You no pay for nothing so me not giving you ability to save pics you analyze. First we need pic. Let's take one from.... oh, lets say Kate. We not picking on Kate, we just using pic of Kate's friend from Kate's blog.

1. Emotion Tool: This am really cool tool that bring out hidden emotions of people you have in pics. Most people never realize how much data digital camera pick up when you use it. It get all kinds of stuff that you never see unless you analyze pic with tool like this. Press button, and move tool around. You see!

2. Fluid Tool: You ever see that light they use to show spots and stains from "bodily fluids"? This am same thing. You eyes no see it, but it there and camera pick it up. This tool make it possible to see it. Press button and you get tool. Turn light on tool on with little yellow button and move tool around and you see.

3. Wackamole Tool: With this tool you analyze.... um.... well.... Ok, me not know what you analyze with this tool (it come bundled with bunch of others). But it do use hammer and pump to bring out hidden wackamole traits in subjects.

full scale version

NOW you see what me mean? Pics on me blog NOT EVER BEEN changed!

Me think me prove me point.

Monstee Gets An Idea

Me was not going to post anything this weekend, what due to it being holiday weekend and this am weekend where Monstee stay inside mostly. (It am hot and it am not good for monsters be around global villagers with explosives and torchlike things) Me also wanted to give lurkers as long as possible to post comment and thereby stop being lurkers and become commenting contributing readers and participants of Monstee's Cave. But it seem that ff am only one of you that have GUTS to come out of hiding and just say 'Hi'.

HI ff!!! Glad you stop by! You am lucky you avoid laughter and ridicule at you expense, but you better keep on you toes! Me am watching you....

As for rest of you lurkers.... THIS AM IT! Me am now going to start in on Monstee's new 'Out the Lurkers' program of pain and embarrassment! You have you chance, so you can no say nothing when me do what it am that me do that you not want me do when me do it!!!! HAHA!! Me am Monstee!

Now, back to what inspire me to post when me have no intention of posting am recent conversation me have with Stargasergirl and recent posting in Kate's blog. Yes, another one!!!! Hey, if you no be such a lurker then maybe me have better material work with and not pick on... er, me mean rely on Kate so much!!! If you no like it then you remember it am all YOU fault!!!

Now, if you following Kate's blog then you know she and her gang of cohorts am roadtripping down to great state of panic... er, Florida to see Stargazergirl/Carrie. Kate/Kate took Paul/husband and friends/friends with her/her. (YOU look them up! Me not know all these people!!) Well in latest post Kate say this:

(Incidentally, Mon, Paul said I've made you sound really cool and he'd like to meet you next time we're in that area for a LAN. I snorted and chortled [snortled?] and said I'd let you know.)

Now, disregarding what sound like sarcastic nose honking on Kate's part... Me thought this was GREAT idea! Me love LAN! Then, after while, me google LAN and find out it stand for "Local Area Network" and not short for Lanshire, like me thought at first.

mmmMMMmmmmmlanshire...

NO! Me will not be distracted by thoughts of yummy roadside and gas station treats!!! Why Mr. Paul man want to meet Monstee for LAN??? Am they that good? Am they better than Lanshire? Am they not what Google say and instead of being like tiny little internet the am just in building, they am really good tasty electronic teckno treat? Do he really what to split what sound like VERY expensive snack, or am he just really, REALLY socially impaired and he need to email Monstee from across the room? Me will let you all know when me find out. Me know that him no visit Monstee's cave so him am no Lurker like SOME of you!! So we be nice to him... for now... but me have pictures... hehehe.

Also me was talking to Carrie when she get home from what sound like fun time with gang, driving around in rain and cursing at people. She say that she feel kind of bad that there am not much to do in her town and she feel that with all bad weather and all that nobody going to come back and revisit her. Me think that am silly! What more fun am there than driving hundreds of mile to see old friends and drive round in rain cursing at people??? Great fun!! But me guess that it am something that she no like to do all that much so me come up with new idea for her... miniature golf!

If she build miniature golf coarse in her town then there am stuff to do!!! Everyone LOVE miniature golf! Then me think, bowling! Yeah, everybody have miniature golf... she need miniature bowling!!! People come from miles to play miniature bowling! Me give her idea and she say that she am NO good at bowling... so them me start thinking who to make idea new and fresh and put all players on same level... Not miniature bowling or miniature golf.... MEGA GOLF! You play Mega Golf outside with bowling ball on huge miniature golf coarse that am no longer miniature!! We talking REAL windmills!! You have to bowl ball round corners, up hills, through tunnels... the whole nine yards... er, holes, yeah. And no pins at end either. You got to bowl into big hole with flag! We call it BOWLFING!

Bowlfing! Yet another great idea brought to you from Monstee Enterprises.

New cave, New Post!

Hi kids!

Well here we am. Me have new cave at new address that am little deeper in big woods next to info highway we call internet. It am nice. As far as me can tell movers move everything over good. And me mean everything! They even move over old moldy box of porn! To tell truth, me have not taken time to look over ever nook and cranny, so if you notice nook or catch cranny that no look right, you let me know and me either fix it or ignore you ASAP. Me guess me should check everything out... but me not want to. Me having enough problems keeping up with other blogs for reading, doing all things in personal life and trying to post more than once week. Sometimes me get bushed! But now me going to steal... er me mean take idea from some other blogger who name escapes me and just list bunch of crap that need to be said.

First off, sometime when me mistype word "crap" me mistype it "crape". Me guess me "e" claw am just to speedy for me own goode! mmmMMMMmmmmcrapes!

Me have not taken opportunity to thank me good friend, host and sponsor Kate for setting Monstee up in new cave and giving him all the shiny new backend stuff and file space. If you no know about all this, me not going to link it. You find it youself. That what me did. Me am still getting use to it and it am seeming pretty cool. Thank you Kate!!!

As me have said in past, me am aware that me have lurkers. If you not aware of term, lurker am person who read postings but never comment. Me know you am there. You know who you am. Me was going to use this posting to out one or two of you and pass on funmakings and ridicule... but me decided not to. THIS AM YOUR LAST CHANCE. All you need do am comment and then you no longer am lurker, you am reader. Reader/Lurker... it up to you. Me know where you live/post/eat lunch/get you pictures developed/go to have smoke at break time. If me no have embarrassing pictures, me can get them!

-------------------------------------------------------
In recent post, Smacky say this... " I'm glad the surge in popularity in the zombie genre finally allowed George Romero (the king of zombie films) to get his fourth one made. I also hope it doesn't suck. At least they're not fast-moving zombies. WTF is up with that?"

Since him seem to forget that Monstee am best resource for all things Monster, me will explain topic here. Now, there am in fact five distinct types of zombies... Starting from worst to best there am....

Zombie Punk
These am not really zombies in true sense or term. They am just bunch of young people on drugs who sit around and veg out like zombies until they think you have drugs or money to buy drugs and then they mob you. No flesh eaters here... unless one REALLY freaks out, and they as easy to kill as anybody on street. You can kill one with fork if you really try. They about as fast or slow as they drug abused bodies and minds will allow.

Voodoo Zombie
This am true Zombie, but not monster type or undead flesheater. This am person who am unlucky enough to tick off mean ole' Voodoo man and let him blow puff of zombie powder into face so they go into trance like state where everyone think they am dead. This last long enough for weepy family to do funeral and put person in ground and go on with lives. Then mean ole' Voodoo man come and dig up coffin and go through song and dance like he am raising dead. What he really doing am waiting for zombie powder to ware off and person to come back to normal. When they do they usually been driven crazy by "dying" and being buried and dug up and "brought back to life" and they think they am zombie and do whatever mean ole' Voodoo man say. This am still living person how you kill same as anyone and tend to be kinda slow due to being driven crazy and all. They still can have crazy frenzy freakout, but usually are to depressed about being zombie.

Zombie Curse
Well now we get to first of undead monster type zombie. This am dead person who am cursed and not allowed to leave they dead body. It am pretty good curse. They got to just sit around all day and feel theyselves rot! Curses vary in exactly what they do. Some let person be same as they was when they was alive, sept now they am walking corpse. Some curses just animate dead body to walk around and do what they am told to do. In last case zombie and mindless stupid thing that take you literally and do what master say... but me wouldn't want it drive me anywhere! Still no crazed flesh eaters here... unless you curse someone like Jeffery Dalmer like type one or order your type two to eat people. Also them am still easy to kill. Massive damage to body will rekill them. We not talking like stabbing them in stomach or anything... we talking multi-dismemberment or disemboweling or just cutting them in half. This not always hard to do as all type two mindless zombies am slow stupid things but type one personality zombies can be as fast as they body allow until it start rotting and giving out on them.

radiation Zombie
OK! Now we getting somewhere. Here am the first of the flesheaters. These am the monster type zombies that am in the old George Romero movies. When they not in black and white, they tend to be somewhat blue colored. It am pretty sky type blue. In them old movies they say they not know why dead am up walking around and eating people, but if you listen real close near beginning of first black and white film "Night of the Living Dead" then you hear that satellite NASA send out to Saturn have come back to earth and am giving off strange radiation. Am there coincidence? These zombies am dumb! They run on base instinct and are driven with lust for human flesh! Yeah, it have been proven that given time and positive reinforcement they can be taught simple tricks and can feel some basic positive emotion, but over all, they just want to eat you. They am slow because of lack of brain energy to keep them going, but when they up close they can jerk around and bite you pretty quick. They also like to mob you and share you like a buffet! Harder to kill than any before, you need to damage the brain. Smash it or disconnect it or hack it into bits or blast hole in it.. whatever as long as it stop sending energy to body. Short of that, whatever you do they just keep coming to eat you flesh. Oh, also if you have radiation zombies running round, if they not eat you all up then in time you going to become zombie too. They claw and bits WILL cause infection that kill you, but even if you die from say, slipping in tub, if they around you going to become one of them.

Toxic Zombie
Now these am the worst! There am two types of Toxic Zombies, Bio toxin and Chemical Zombie. Both are really fast and both are kinda smart. Chem zombies tend to be a bit smarter and don't have need to eat you flesh, they want you brains! Chem zombie start out like type one curse zombie above with persons full personality in dead body, but as rigermortis and bloating set in it get so painful that something go snap and they know that only thing that stop pain of being dead am eating living brains! Brains!Brains!Brains!Brains! Chem zombies have been known to use advanced tools such as radios to call for fresh brains. Now bio toxin zombies are smart too, but driven by some sort of rage or fury that override they smarts. They about as smart as any angry vainy soccer dad having full out I'm going to kill you type fight with blind umpire who make bad call on their kid. You know the type. Instead of hitting though, they again want to eat you flesh. And what am worse am that they want flesh as fresh as possible. If they take down neighbor and start eating and you walk by and say "Hey, what cha eaten?" then they see you walking round and know that waking flesh am fresher so they go after you! Because after all, they want fresh flesh DAMNIT! Both types carry the toxin in they mouth so if they bite you it will get infected and you will die and become one of them. Biotoxin zombie can be stopped with the brain damage thing, but chem zombies can only be stopped by full out dismemberment( which leave you with pile of twitching limbs and things) or full damage to entire zombie, such as burn it all up or dissolve it all in acid. Short of that, they gonna try to get you brains!

Me hope this explain a thing or two.
Glad me could help.

Monstee's tips to stop smoking

Yeah, yeah, me know, me know... There am lots of "You quit smoking now with what we say you do!" type stuff out there, but me am just going to give you few tips that have worked for me recently.

"What am that?" You say. "Am you saying that Monstee have stopped smoking?!?!?"

yup. That am what me am saying. Me have no idea what they am going to do with all them fields of tobacco that they now going to find laying round. Someone somewhere am going to notice that they am not making NEARLY as much money as they was.

"Surely you no smoke THAT much, Monstee?" Well first off, me no smoke Monstee, me smoke cigarettes.... and you no call me Shirley! Me am Monstee. When me did smoke way back when me was smoking two weeks ago, me was smoking lots! Me was going through about two lighters a day! Now, nada.

"How you do it?" Why am you asking? Who am you and why you want to know? Am you trying to steal Monstee's no smoking ideas and sell them on internet or late night infomercial that come on in between Girls Gone Wild and... and... some other late night infomercial that not come to mind because now me can not get idea of Girls Gone Wild infomercial out of mind.

NO! You no distract Monstee with constant reminder of young and nubile co-eds that have never and will never have noting to do with likes of Monstee. They am not real! Me refuse to believe they am real! Me am old enough to know that if you get young college age type girls drunk enough they no flash you they boobs! They just throw up in you bedroom and make you drive them home while they throw up in you car on way! NO! Me am Monstee! You can NO FOOL ME!!

"Gee Monstee, clam down. You seem kinda tense." YOU GET OUT OF CAVE!! You get out of cave and no come back till you treat Monstee better!! This am me cave! You get out and find nice garbage truck you crawl into and die! Me no have to take this!!! Me am Monstee!

:::storming off to get some sort of snack:::

Me am still here....

Me am still here....
Me am still alive....
Me am still sick....

Me go see doctor and he say me have walking pneumonia. Me no understand this as me HATE walking and tend to no do this as much as possible. Why they call it walking pneumonia? When me walk from bed to bathroom me feel like me going to pass out.
But him give Monstee lots of pills and tell me take it easy and stay in bed and come back in few days to spend more money on things...

Me hope to be back to funny type blogging things in near future...

::cough::cough::
Ugh. You best stop reading now and just come back when me feeling better. Me am just going to keep complaining about being sick and you no want to hear about that...
So bye bye,
Me see you later...



Green snot... See!!! Me told you not to hang around! You had you chance to leave before this get all gross and disgusting like. Gray foamy lung buggers... Shut UP!! Me no want to hear it from you! You have every chance to leave and for that matter you can leave right now, but nooooOOOOOoooo you just keep hanging round when me tell you me have nothing to say and when all me do is complain about gross things me am dealing with like waking up in middle of night and not knowing if puddle on pillow am from nose of mouth or eyes, but that hair am stuck to it, you go and act like that!!! There you go again!!! Hey, me am the one who is sick! Me knows how Eywwww and Yuck it am!!! Me am living it and me don't need to hear it from you!!!

That's it! Now you give me diarrhea!

Monstea?

Me good friend Kate post a picture of her new Tea Shelf. Now Kate like tea. She REALLY like tea! She like tea so much that me think me start calling her Katetea!

Me have nothing against tea. Tea am good. Tea am almost good as coffee, and you know me like me coffee! When you live in cave like me do, you learn like worm drinks that comfort you when it damp and chilly. Me like to mix me tea. Me mix up batch of Green, Black and Earl Gray together. It look like camouflage! Me mix in other tea one time, but was oohot and took oolong to ooldown. Me point? Me am Monstee! Me like tea... but not as much as Katetea like tea.

When she post about her tea she ask:
So ... is it overkill? Am I obsessed? Just wondering...
Me no think it am overkill. If she use tea as furniture... THAT am overkill. Me know think she am obsessed. She talk about lots more stuff than tea... but never crumpets... hmmmm... why no crumpets with tea?

mmMMmcrumpets

NO! Amount of tea am not problem. KIND of tea am problem! Me show you. Look here at bottom of tea shelf. You see box of tea? It look like harmless box of tea sitting on floor with other kinds of tea, do it not? Well it am NOT! Me spot this tea first time me see picture and it make me wonder just what all kind of tea it am that Katetea am drinking. Katetea say she like all kinds of tea. Well now we know that am all too true! This am MONSTER tea!! [YOU GASP HERE] Yes, you hear me, MONSTER tea! Me have been seeing this tea in caves for many years of me long life. You take look at close up of box and you see what me mean.

SHE WHAT ME MEAN?!?!
Oh Katetea, we know you love you tea. We know you no live without you tea. But you should no be drinking monster tea. Me know, me know... it am best tea going with roadkill... but that no excuse! Me see plenty other strange and bizarre tea on shelf for you. You drink goat tea, way tea, golf tea, natalieblairntoo tea, avast ye may tea, hoit tea, toit tea, na tea, pout tea, snoo tea, froo tea, warrenbay tea, que tea, patoo tea, shakeyaboo tea, doo tea, yeah tea and fasola tea... but please, PLEASE you no drink the mons tea.

Oh yeah?

Two things have come to Monstee's attention:

1. There am lurkers hanging round cave.
You know who you am! You people who just hang round and no say nothing. Oh sure, you like coming to cave, you like seeing what Monstee up to this time, but you NO comment... You NO send email saying how much you no understand what am going on... You just hang round in cave soaking up funness and joy and no bother to give back so Monstee get new ideas on how to reticule you and make fun... er, me mean inform and entertain you! Yeah, that am ticket!

NO!

You time am limited. Just by you looking round and no commenting you give Monstee IDEA supreme! Me am now going to begin work on new lurker detector/tracker. HA HA! Soon we all see who you really am! HA HA!

2. Some people out there no think Monstee am cute and yummy. They think me am some sort of poopyheaded!

NO!

Me am no poopyheaded! Me am Monstee! Me have always been cute and lovable! You want proof? Here am some baby pictures straight from Momstee!
Am that not most cute and adorable thing you am seeing for long time? This am picture of Monstee just after me hatch. It was big job cracking way into big bad world. Me was tired!But not so tired that me no hear clickity click click of Momstee's camera. Me not know what it am at first... but me soon find out.
mmMMMmmmcamera

Me am going to see Momstee soon on Momstee's day. If you have any questions for Momstee, me will be glad to ask her and post her replies in upcoming post. Until then... BASK IN GLOW OF WARM AND FUZZY PICTURES OF YOUNG MONSTEE!!! BASK AND KNOW AWWWwwwwww!

That am really big IF!

Here am monstee's response to IF type discussion thingy started on Kate's blog.

"If you were to have bells ring out loud automatically (for all to hear) every time you did a certain thing, what would it be?"

For me, it would be when me correctly guess question me no know answer too. You think about this. This be very handy. Let's say... you no can find you keys. You ask, where am me keys? Then you say:
"They locked in car?" .....
"They in coat pocket?" .....
"Me drop them in old moldy box of porn?" {ding ding ding ding ding}
Then you know where keys am and you go get them! This so handy!!!

But me guess this have draw back too... Say you getting nagged at by wife, girlfriend, female boss, whatever... and you say smiting stupid like, "What am you problem? Am it that time of month?" {ding ding ding ding ding} At least then you know you better start running!!! Unless you get where you rely on bells too much and say "Should me run?" {ding ding ding ding ding} By that time you already getting hit!

As for me question... it also come from book "If...123"
"if you could be on the cover of any magazine next month, which magazine would you want it to be, and what would the caption say?"
Me answer: Fortune magazine! Caption: "Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn!"

Choosy Monsters Choose...

OK, so Kate leave this hanging round her blog...
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Either leave your answers or a link to your webpage with your responses.

Would you rather:
1. your ears be bleeding OR your eyes?
2. smell like vanilla cake frosting OR fresh-cut lime wedges?
3. get comments on your hair OR your smile?
4. have an addiction to coffee OR an addiction to bubble gum?

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Now me sometimes have problem answer thingys like this and you see why it upset Monstee so much...

1. ...your ears be bleeding OR your eyes?
Me pick ears, but only because it mean that then me HAVE ears! This question am ANTI-MONSTITE! You no know how questions like this am for me people! Look, look... Which you rather get cut off in car accident, toes or antenna? SEE!! See how it feel!!!

2. ...smell like vanilla cake frosting OR fresh-cut lime wedges?
Vanilla cake frosting OR fresh-cut lime wedges? Am that frosting on vanilla cake or vanilla frosting ON cake?? AND WHAT DIFFERENCE AM IT IF IT WEDGES?!?! Never have Monstee noticed wedgy undertone to fresh-cut lime sent! [sigh] Me go with limes... But me want it on record that me prefer lime RINGS smell to wedges.

3. ...get comments on your hair OR your smile?
[shaking hard trying not to explode] THAT DEPEND ON COMMENT!!!! Look, look... "Gee, your hair smells terrific!" vs. "Dude, your fang are creeping me out." am TOTALLY different than "Nice hair, find any spiders in it?" vs. "Oooo, I love your pearly whites!" ARGGGH! "Blue" and "Long" am both comments about me hair and teeth, but me no prefer either!!! If you talking abut complements then SAY complements!!!! Great, now me bleeding from me eyes... ok, me pick smile.

4. ...have an addiction to coffee OR an addiction to bubble gum?
Now this am a good question. It am straight forward and to point and am something me know about... Addiction! Monstee am heavy smoker. Me go through 1 1/2 to 2 lighters a day. For this me want bubble gum, but me want coffee flavored bubble gum! Me love coffee too, but me not addicted. Me going to drink some now.

mmmMMMmmmmcoffee.

That so good, me drink another pot.

MMMMmmmmMMMMMcoffee.

Thatwas goodtoo. Megonna drink anotherpotnow.

MmMmMmMmMmMmMmMcOfFeE!

Melovecoffeesomuchthatmenotknowwhatmedoifmenogetmecoffeethatkeepmonsteegoing.
Ohyeahmealsosometimeslikeflavoredcoffeelikethisherethatamsomeflavorlikemapleortreesquirrel orsomethinganditamsoundingsogoodrightnowthatmethinkmewilljusteatitstraightandnotbotherbrewitupinpot!

mmmmmcofygrnds!

mntknwwhymlkcffsmchbtmnwthkmgnnatmrcfgrnds!

mmm!


{beep}

Monstee Cringes

Like me was saying two posts back(you find it, me am too lazy to link it) Monstee no find anything me write when me was young and just little teen Monstee. But me still looking! What me do find am note passed to Monstee from cool upperclassmate that help Monstee get "in" with good fun click when him freshman in highschool. Now, if you no know this then me tell you that teen boys send different type notes than teen girls. They am bit more graphic. Now Monstee am no advert to graphic type stuff and have no problem posting bad language. (what you think you reading?) But Monstee's MoMstee am. Years ago MoMstee find note and not like what she see. She no yell at Monstee, she know boy will be monstees and all that, but she no want that kind of filth littering up cave. Monstee always am keeper of mementos so MoMstee just take black marker and cross out stuff she now like. (...well, what she understand and no like) So here am what am left of note. It am not embarrassing, just from time before Monstee start being hip, trendsetting, "Man about town".

See Ya in the Funny Papers!

Yeah, yeah, yeah... Me know.
Monstee been posting nothing but come backs to comments in other blogs lately.

GIVE ME BREAK!

Me am not machine! Me am Monstee. Me have been spending time going through archives of other bloggers getting up to date on lifestyles of blogged and online, so me not really thinking of new witty type postings. Me am neglecting cave, but am learning lots about really cool peoples.

mmmMMMMmmmmlady fingers.

But me want to comment about recent comments on Kate's blog by Smacky.
It am true that Family Circus DO have more than one panel. If you dig long enough in internet, you find what you looking for. Here am example. Me no like Family Circus. That probably because they no like Monstee. Me tell you, you can eat golf balls you whole life and they never call you a "Golf Eater", but try to eat ONE baby...
So now when Monstee walk by they house, they just scream and run. Things am so much better at other comics.Like time me get job in big uncaring faceless evil conglomerate corporate world and go work for funny little dog. To bad it not work out. Monstee give him fleas.

Monstee Gets On Bandwagon (and back to the scrapbook)

OK ok ok, me get it. We am all playing April fool jokes on selves. So now Monstee have him turn. Me not know if you all notice what Monstee notice, but lot of bloggers am taking time out to share personal and embarrassing things bout selves. Now this am all well and good and am usually good laugh and Monstee end up feeling closer to blogger for knowing such things... but when me come back to cave, Monstee feel like wimp for not stepping up plate and doing same. Me am Monstee! Me am no wimp. Me have done lots of things over years me am not proud of. Now Monstee have been reading lots of blogs that recently been airing dirty laundry type things and sharing embarrassment with world (wide web) so Monstee first make mention on few and do same.

So many bloggers am posting embarrassing pictures they am too many to mention.

Now Kate and Smacky do lists of personal things... Monstee already post list comment for Kate, so me no do that here.

Lauren and Sara read from diary... NO! Journal... NO! Diary... it am diary... but Monstee no write about himself in diary... others write about Monstee.

So now Monstee go back to scrapbook and pull out news clipping from secret page and show you all him most embarrassing moment. All me ask am you try be kind and remember we all do stupid things in past.

Click to inlarge

Monstee Movies

It am strange how Hollywood works. One day you am on top and next day they no calling. Me thank god for me stage work or me would have been caveless back in 80's. But then one day in 1993 Monstee's agent gets call from big Hollywood movie type place and they say they am looking for actors that look alien and no need much makeup. Me guess him not have many clients at time cause he have to scrape bottom of barrel to come up with Monstee. Me am no alien! Me am Monstee! But he send out Monstee's head shots and they like them and Monstee gets walk on part in big budget si-fi movie. Monstee was kind of sad cause me want to meet all of old cast and movie am first with new cast, but at least Monstee not play bad guy. Monstee get to play one of background fedaration crew members; no lines, but me pushing buttons and NOT eating console. Director no tell Monstee twice! No eating console, chair, hand rail, other actors, Shatner's hair piece, script, script changes, equipment or movie crew! Monstee not get paid much and most of Monstee wind up on cutting room floor, but me did get one good shot in real drama type scene. Here am still. If you have movie, you watch next time and pause. There am Monstee!

Monstee wants a Makeover

Monstee gets a Banker (that explains the banner ad)

You know, It am weird how things work out sometimes. If you know Monstee, then you know that many things have been changing in him life recently. One of which am this new cave site blog thingy. Me hope be out of escrow soon, but that no stop me from making self at home and getting know new neighbors, trolling round new patch of info highway and keeping mind off Monstee's money troubles. So me was doing that recently and good friend say me should go see kool and funny site. Me go and laugh and laugh! It very good site. Me start lurking round archives and find funny post about monster type banner ad. Sarah say she chat with ad guys and she want Vampire ad. If you want vampire ad you no go to ad guys, you go to vampire. So me call good friend Vlad. Me in luck because him have bother in-law that am banker! It all work out! Monstee get help with him money problems and him know all about best vampire banner ad. Monstee promise put ad on blog for while so it lower amount of blood money Monstee have to pay each month. You feel free to click on ad, it no go nowhere. Me promise to show ad, not link it to anything! That make Vampire SO sick! You click it, you see what me mean.

Monstee's Other Job

Me am not just any hip globetrotting trendsetting famous person. Me also work for government. Me like to keep country safe. Me can not tell you exactly what me do... If me did, me would have to eat you.

Monstee gets his tongue pierced

OO! OO! Here a recent one! Me not do this too long ago.
Me was on bar tour with Jaeger girls. We going from college to college and me guess me have little too much drink one night. So what you going do? What else college kid type into these days? Me get pierced and tattooed. But they no take. Me end up eating stud they put in tongue and ink no show up on monstee's hide. Oh well, me still have me pictures. Here am one of me and friend in Riverton, WY.

She am good kid. Really cute and funny.
But me no think she remember me... she drunk out of head at time.




YOU GO SEE HER BLOG HERE!

You like it!

Monstee Makes History

Yea, me have done lot in me time, but nobody remember it. Everybody remember first PERSON on moon, but nobody remember first MONSTER on moon. OK, maybe it because me not have great thing to say as me step off Lander. If you ever go, you try remember something better to say than
"mmmMMMMmmmoon cheese!"

Monstee Meets His Maker

Ok. So when me was just starting making it in big showbiz world, me was having self doubts. Me needed get away. Me had just finished doing mike dougless show and hop on plane for scotland with orsen bean. He say he like going seeing running of lemmings. If there am one thing monstee like it am lemming in wild heather.

Mmmmmmmmmm lemming.

Me hop off plane over dover cliffs and start hunting. Then me here big voice. He say he am big fan. We chat for while then he need to go. He am very busy person, he have pager before ANYONE! Before he go, me get picture of two of us. When they say we made in his image, they am correct! He am very good looking guy.

Monstee Inspires Art

Me used live New York years ago. Me not go into long story about young, struggling monstee living on streets. Me hang out Lou reed & velvet underground. Andy kool! If you ever in New Jersey, you go him Art place. He make picture of monstee and sell it on postcard.

Monstee the early years

Me guess me get me start in mid 70's when me first appear on tv. Me was contestent on popular game show. Me not win much money, but me did get meet dick clark, tony randal & adrianne barbeau. Me hope tape rerun show when it rerun on gameshow network, but for now, me scan page transcript and picture for you.

Am anybody out there?

Hello?

Am there anybody out there? Me thought me heard someone come in... Hello?

Me am Monstee!

Me am great. Me am famous.

Me get me scrapbook and show you. Here it am.... no, that moldy box of porn.


You want moldy box of porn? Me just not bring meself to throw it out.
Where am that scrapbook?