The 1st of Monstemper!

Yes, here we am, first of month and post am due. (Do we really need to go though all that "you not been posting much lately" bullshit? If so... Blah, blah, blah... Fuck, fuck, fuck.... HATE.)

HA! Me laugh at you for no believing in me and me posting every day for month! HA me say... HA! Me am under way and can clearly see finish line from here. In fact, me have claimed entire month of July for meself. Me no see YOU name on if. OHohohoho yeah... If you happen to be named July, well then... OK, fuck off. Really. Cause you filthy lie making goo-gob liar head that am doing nothing by spitting out lies between you mouthful of what can only be described as.... Uh... Dang, me run out of steam on that one. Um... Me not know... Ummmm... shit? crackers? seamen? masses of public pubic hairs from toilet seats in over visited porn theaters> ...yeah, that good.

Anyway... Me am dedicating this first post in month of Monstemper to Fat Sparrows Fortune Telling Nether Regions. Me am always happy to hear when me friends have discovered new super powers... But me got to say that THAT one am little bit on not so often seen Super Hero side. Like that guy with submarine butt. It would go up and down under water and was always full of sea men. (BA-dump-BA!) Me am wondering what you super hero name would be... Mystic Loins? Medium Crotch. Va-ja-ja of Wisdom? Now if you Mr. Had some crystal balls you be all set as some sort of strange crime fighting team. Would you get much work... Me doubt it. But hey, what me know. Me nether regions do nothing but pleasure women in ways that they never knew they could be pleasured and leaves them more satisfied than they have ever been in they entire lives. ...that and pee.

So angrygrrface brings up good point. Paris Hilton been to jail and me not say word bout that. Dang. Me missed it. Well, that am writers block for ya. Me could have done some stuff on what's her face who smashed her car and went to rehab... M... Something... Fuck! Me could goggle it... But me hate goggling old girlfriends. Truth am... Me feel little bad for Paris. Really, what she do to deserve such bad treatment from press? Just because she some stupid little heiress who got all rich and famous for doing absolutely nothing but partying and showing up on red carpets and being stupid and doing that sex tape and being really stupid and getting out of jail time because she am rich and famous and what the fuck? She got out early?!?! NO SHIT! You know it cause she rich! AND THEY WAS NICE TO HER IN THERE!! BULLSHIT!! Only because she am who she am!! Fuck that! They was all nice to Paris because they wanted Paris to be nice to them when they get out. How could she not get preferential treatment?? If she was anyone else not rich and famous you know they would have had her eating red carpet, tossing salad! "Oh, me hate me how me voice go's up when me am nervous." FUCK YOU PARIS!! ME want to know how you voice sound when you riding broom handles and hanging from her knees when you sleep so they can use her cooch as trash can. All she learned from this am that you can get out of anything if you cry hard enough. Fuck that! Sad thing am... If it had been done right, she just might have come out of this better person. But no. She still stupid fucking Paris. But you know how it am with these stupid debutantes. Maybe things repeat themselves. Maybe it not too late to get Paris down on all fours with Goonhilda giving her business end of plumbers helper up ass. We can only hope and pray.

Well, this was good start to Monstemper! This am going to be great! Me not need to worry bout each and every posting being great. Me can post.... Um.... Song lyrics.... Links to funny things... Um... Stuff about... Other stuff... U-Tube... Yeah. But hey, we going to have good month together. You know why me pick this month to be Monstemper? 1) It am hot and there am lots of cook outs cause hot road cooks roadkill on its own 2) With 4th, in USA it am one month that most smell like sulfur.

MmmmMMMMmmmmmsulfur....

Me got to go kids. See you tomorrow when me talk about why blogger can French kiss duck butts!

ME AM BACK!!!

Can you no believe it? Am you pinching youselves right now? Pinch youself for me as well for me can no believe it too much too! Me am back and me am blue! ME AM BACK AND BLUE!

Me know... me know... you am all out there going...

"Where ya been Monstee?"
"Is everything ok?"
"Why did you stop posting?"
"Where ya been Monstee?"
"Are we still on for hot and heavy hetero monster on girl sex?"
"This is my first time here. What's the deal?"
...and mostly...
"Where ya been Monstee?"

Well, to tell truth... me was here all along. You no see me wave when you come in? Noooooo... me had to renew driving license at DMV. (That Department of Monstee Vehicles for you all from out of town.) No, me have just started playing Yirdaki, Kanbi, and Ihambilbilg in new band and been in studio all this time. We just finish our new CD called "Every Song Ever Written!"! No! Me have strange kind of mental breakdown and could no function till next episode of "Lost"! NO! Me was plotting and scheming how to kidnap unwanted person in me recent love triangle. DANG IT! There am just on way to do it without adult diapers! NO! Really, me was in rehab all this time for me addiction to roadkill. Me was almost done too, but that bitch Lindsay Lohan wanted me bed by window so they throw me out. Me know for FACT it have nothing to do with me humping her boobs in her sleep. NO! For true me was over in Ireland with that one person who did that one thing that was so embarrassing for them and possibly group of people, industry or country. Yeah, me was involved somehow.... You tell me! NO! Me computer got really bad virus and whenever me go to log-on it vomit in me lap. No, seriously, me hate you. NO! Me get bad haircut and it only now growing out so me allow meself to be seen. NO! Truly, it was best of times, it was worst of times. NO! No lie, me was locked in back room at video processing lab for over three months and all me have to watch was some guys colonoscopy or bootleg copy of "Blues Brothers". Me watch it over and over. Me get to where me can sing along with every song, speak each line of dialog and even do some of they dance steps. Me watched "Blues Brothers" few times too. NO! Me was pinning for fields. NO! Me was trying to find out why for they have they baby goots! NO! Me was on the run from the corpse that wanted to get together and talk about old times.... (long story). NO! Me am bit of slow reader and took some time off to reread long book literary series. So, we many know where Waldo am... but why am he there? NO! Honest... Me run out of gas. Me, me had flat tire. Me no have enough money for cab fare. Me tux no come back from cleaners. Old friend come from out of town. Someone stole me car. There was earthquake. Terrible flood. Locusts. IT WAS NO ME FAULT, ME SWEAR TO GOD!!!



Oh, also...
Since me was gone me was also no reading you blogs. You post anything good? Anybody else post anything good? If me was reader of you's and commented, me am sorry, me will try to get back. If me was lurker and read you but no comment..... Me was reading you all along, yeah, that am ticket! And you people who me no read! Yeah! Me was busy reading all you posting too!! Yeah! They suck! Me not going to do that any more. You had you chance. You blow it! You blow it big time! You blow big green donkeys! Go crawl under bus and suck some antifreeze.

Ahhhhhhhh.... It am good to be home.

3 things

First off: To everyone who have been emailing and IMing me about me current state of technological impairedness, me would like to thank you all for you concerns, but me do know what me am doing. After all, me am Monstee. There am reasons why me am running such old, dilapidated and possibly haunted software. Biggest reason am because of me old, dilapidated and possibly haunted computer. Another may be complete lack of money me currently am holding for a friend. While me have that, it am hard to update me hardware so it can accommodate any new and shiny and fucking huge ass needing disk and RAM space to run software. Until me can do something about it, me think me am doing pretty good with what me got, thank you very much, but until you am living in cave and logging on to internet using stone knives and bearskins please no be telling me what me should do to overcome some of me problems. Me probably have been down that path and you am just wasting our time.

Next: Me good friend SafeTinspector has inquired about one of me other side projects "The Bear Story." Me call it me side project cause it am project me am involved and it has link over there on side of blog. Me looked the whole thing over and realized it and the intire back of cave needed major overhauling. Me overhauled it and now me think it am more self explanatory. Feel free to help out, but if you no can be troubled to find link on right... here it am.

Lastly: Why the FUCK do me even try to use ANY of the "who links to me" type sites out there on the web? They no work! Me found out on me own that me was mentioned in posting by Fat Sparrow! Me would LIKED to have commented, BUT NO! Me didn't know about it and... Well, me was busy too. Footeater commented. He warn her that me am devil himself. (that's just cause he secretly fancies me.)
Anyway... It seem the Fat Sparrow have two year old that am currently in love with me. That not surprise me cause everyone who come to cave am in love with me... except for... you know who.
Anyway... as for me moving in with them, or little one being shipped here... we need to talk more about this first. Me am Monstee. Me need me dank. But FS, if you am ever about cave again and need to put little one to sleep like last time, feel free to sing him this song.

Me no usually post song lyrics at cave, but me know that me have people getting here looking for them so me got them and present them to be used instead of lullaby. If you am interested, these guys am linked under me MUSIC heading. Go to they site and buy them CD's. They am great!

The New Duncan Imperials
(Oh my God we're...):lyrics

Hey guys!

Did you ever get that urge to go out on a Tuesday night, when you know beers are cheap and everything's looking your way? So you head out to the corner bar and you have yourself a couple of beers cause their only fifty cents on Tuesdays even though it's Old Milwaukee you don't care because their cheap and their flowing. You're at the bar drinking and watching some MTV on the big screen behind the bar, watching all the latest fads of the day, when a girl at the end of the bar is sitting there drinking vodka cranberry gives you a little bit of an eye and then you drink yourself a couple more glasses of courage and give her the eye and go over there and maybe say "Hey, wanna dance?" She's like "OK." So she starts dancing with you to the new Modern English song 'I'll stop the world and melt with you' and your having the greatest time of your life cause she's dancing with you and she looks pretty darn good. After the song's over you head of to the bar and you drink yourself three more of those fifty cent beers and you feel even better. And she wants to dance some more to that new REM thing that's really happening now days. So you're out there dancing and you're moving and you're swinging and everything kinda happening but then it's two o'clock and the bar's about to close and you're like "Oh MAN!" So you go "Hey, you know I could drive you home. I know you live in Lincoln Park, but you know that's not too far from me, I live in Rogers Park and they're... not too far." And she's like "OK." So you take her over there and you find a place to park even and she's says "Why don't you come on up? I go cable." and you go on up. And you start watching the Discovery Channel where they're showing lots of elephants and giraffes and that makes you feel really sexy! And then all of a sudden it's like twenty minutes later and you're an inch from her face and you think to yourself...

Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
La De Da De, La De Da De, Da!

Hey girls!

You ever go to work out at the health club and... you know... kinda try to lose a few pounds off your ass because you thinking maybe it's looking a little big lately, and you're like working on that exorcise bike trying to slim down your butt, and you know, jumping up and down on that stair thing and doing a thigh thing and a calf thing and all the things you gotta do to make your things look that way you want them to look. So you're working for about an hour and a half just chuging away, working, moving, sweating, stinking and getting everything happening. And that's about enough you said "Hey! Hey hey, that's about enough." You head over to Chi-chi's and, you know, have yourself a tequila sunrise, maybe a couple of chips from the bar, whatever, salsa's always pretty good. So you're over at Chi-chi's and you're... drinking and... kinda sitting around... watching ESPN and watching people eat the natchos with the cheese sauce. And you decide 'Yeah, I'll have another drink. Sure.' "How about a tequila sunrise, sir?" and he gives you one and there's this bartender, he's a pretty hansom guy. He's... got stone wash blue jeans, a white shirt buttoned up all the way and his hair's kinda greasy and combed all the way to the right. Looks pretty good to you! So, yeah... you know, give him the eye and he gives you another drink and he doesn't even charge you for that one. And you're sitting at the bar, you've had three tequila sunrises, that's enough to make you kinda giggle a little, and you have one more while you're just like, all of a sudden, just real talkative and talking to Carl behind the bar, that's his name. And all of a sudden, you know, Chi-chi's is closed and Carl's like "Well, let me give you a ride home," and you're like "OK." So, Carl takes you in his car and gives you a ride home and... he... decides to come on up and sit on your couch with you. And all of a sudden, it's ten minutes later, Carl's a half inch from your face and you think to yourself...

Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
La De Da De, Da De Da De, Da!
Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
La Da Da Da, La Da Da Da, Da!

Oh my god...
Oh my god...
We were.... fucking.

Extended comment -or- One of me peeves!

What with me no posting so much recently and me getting all this hate mail and IMs BEGGING me to post more and me making Lauren sad and everything me would just start turning me REALLY FUCKING LONG comments into posting and we see where we go from there.

OK, so....

Me good friend Binty recently posted something about (among other stuff) the misuse of word IRONIC.

OOOOOO!!! Now this am really BIG pet peeve with me! Me hate it when people use, or try to use big words but no understand what they really mean. Oh sure, sometimes we get the point and understand what they trying to say, but fact am... they am wrong and saying something else!! Me use to hang out with people in high school who do this all the time!! It drive me nuts! Me just want to scream "Read a book for fucks sake!" If you no know that word means, don't use it! If you not sure what word means, LOOK IT UP! Irony am one of the worst for this. Tons of people think they know what it means an they don't. Irony am when the outcome of event or expression through the use or words am opposite or near opposite of what am expected. PLEASE, remember that before you use it!
When people use big words incorrectly, am just so... pedantic!

SEE? See what me did there? If you no know what pedantic mean, go look it up. We wait for you.



Tum dee dum dum...



**YAWN**


Doe dee doe, doe dee doe, doe dee...

OK? See? Pedantic am completely wrong word to use there right? And since me was bitching about that, you would expect me to know, right? That am Ironic! ...and sarcastic. ...and hypocritical. But you get point right? Don't it piss you off too?!?!

Anyway, me will leave you with this. When you read it you know why it come to me mind.
Few years ago me little hatchling come dancing out of her bedcave into main chamber wearing pair of ballet slippers, pink tights, tutu and tiara. She spend several minutes doing allegro and pirouettes and moving her arms from third to forth position as best she could for little child that never had a lesson. For that reason, she was best in her class. All the while she am humming what can only be described as "Swan Lake" hummed by someone that has never heard "Swan Lake". Soon she stop humming but keep dancing...
Hatchling: "Daddy, I know what I want to be when I grow up."
Me: "What am that, hunnybunch?"
Hatchling: "A veterinarian."

THAT am irony!

I Monster - Part five

“Josh, I’m home!” Sarah tried hard not to flounce into the apartment with the mail, fed-ex box and videotape she had stolen from work, but her mood was good and she was feeling superior. As she removed her keys from the door and entered the apartment, her foot kicked something and an empty jar of crunchy peanut butter went rolling across the floor. “You asshole!” she yelled, her mood darkening a bit. “We can’t afford to buy peanut butter every other day.”
She sat the mail (bills) on the kitchen table and put the box under her arm. She examined the videotape. She had snatched it in the elevator while taking the tapes for processing and since then there had been no real time to examine it. It looked just like all VHS tapes, but the logo on the label showed the silhouette of a great hulking, hairy beast centered in concentric circles and marked by red crosshairs. It was from ‘Bigfoot Hunters’, a local group of Mother Nature’s camera nuts that were out to prove the big guy existed. This particular tape, and several pictures that came in with it, supposedly depicted and extremely clear shot of one walking by a small lagoon in the large swamp outside of town. The photos were nothing to worry about. The were taken with a cell phone or digital camera and had so much purpling around the head, arms and crotch that they totally looked photoshopped. The main reason she kept the job at the TV station was to pilfer any genuine or truly outstanding proof that the Sasquatch existed.
She turned and walked into the living room with the box under her arm and eyes on the tape until she reached the back of the couch. She could hear the cartoons on the TV. “They got you again,” she said looking up. “You have to start being more careful. You…” Sitting on the couch amongst the empty bags of chips, boxes of cereal, cookies, pasta and the last of her mothers home made strawberry shortcake, was a nine foot tall behemoth of a person resting his seventeen inch feet on the coffee table. He was nude, but covered in long, brown hair from head to toe. He was not exactly pin headed, but the top of his head was definitely steepled far above his face and he easily took up space on the couch for two people. He dropped the tube of crab paste he was sucking on and smiled at her, showing off the fact that he was hairless from his jaw to his cheeks, including his sideburns.
“Did you shave for me?” she asked smiling. “Josh, that’s so sweet.” She leaned down to kiss him and with a one great swoop of his massive arm she was in his lap, her face covered by his lips. He smelled like a wet dog that had been rolling in nacho cheese and strawberries. All things considered, this was not as bad as his old necrotic taste in snacks. Some people had a sweet tooth; her boyfriend had a corpse-rot tooth. Josh seemed to always know when an animal or pet in the neighborhood was going to die. His sense of smell was deadly and when an animal died within half a mile of the apartment, Josh would drool uncontrollably until she let him go get it. You can take the scavenger out of the woods, she thought, but you can’t make him stop eating dead things. At lease he stopped bringing them back to the apartment to keep and roll around on. People didn’t call them skunk-apes for no reason. When Josh first moved in they had to fumigate and go through several flea baths. After the first one he threw such a tantrum that it seemed impossible to get him to take another. Now at dip time he just sulkily sits on the couch watching cartoons, but when he wants, he can still throw a pretty good hissy fit. Like with the hair loss.
“Air!” she giggled pushing his massive head away from hers. She took hold of the huge hand that was currently running itself up and down her body and turned it over to examine it’s back. It was hairless. Good, she thought. Electrolysis would work, but they were going to need cases of salve and skin cream when they moved on to the rest of his body. Until then, maybe she would just make him start wearing a kilt and pass him off as a big hairy Scotsman. Josh seemed to know what she was thinking and jerked his hand away. He had not enjoyed the procedure that had left his hands so hairless. She reached up and stroked his face, comforting him. It was electrolysis for god’s sake. It wasn’t as if she was asking for repeated bouts of trepanning. When most of the hair was gone from his body, they could then try to dye the rest or at least keep it tinted a more human color. They would try, but her fear was that they wouldn’t be able to hoodwink a blind person.
She grabbed the hair on the both sides of his head and pulled him down for more kissing. He began to susurrate that deep sound in the back of his through that was almost a purr and she felt his desire begin to poke her in the small of the back. Now this was a great way to come home from work. Little did she know that when they first met at Lollapalooza many years ago this would turn into a real relationship. She had only expected it to be a one time, drunken, super exciting, sex thing, but here they were engaged and once again she would be walking all wibbly wobbly the next day. As he stood, easily carrying her in one arm, she pointed to the fed-ex box on the floor. “Get that first,” she said between kisses. He retrieved it and she opened it as he carried her to the bedroom. What was inside killed the mood instantly. “Put me down. I have to pack. We have to get out of here NOW!” The contents of the fed-ex box were made far too large and would never congruently match any part of the human anatomy, but the meaning was clear. Josh put her down and she dropped the package. One of its contents fell to the floor. As Sarah rushed about the apartment franticly packing, Josh stood torpidly looking at the giant ballet slipper.

Insert Title Here

Hey Kids!

How you doing? Me? Well, me am

a) still alive.
b) little down in bumps.
c) bout the same as always!
d) all of the above.
e) none of the above.

Yeah, yeah, yeah... me know! You not hear from Monstee for while. You am all sitting out there saying

a) "We thought you was dead!"
b) "We thought you had quit."
c) "I'm engaged!"
d) "Where you been."
e) "What the hells with this multiple choice?"

Well to that me just say

a) Well me not!
b) No, me just take longer break than me expected.
c) Congratulations!
d) THAT am long story!
e) What? What am you talking bout? You am crazy! You am crazy person!

Me am

a) sorry me not been round to comment on you postings,
b) really bad typist,
c) extremely well endowed,
d) super genius dapper man about town,
e) Monstee,

but me have been really, really

a) busy lately.
b) bushy lately.
c) buggy lately.
d) late to business school.
e) up to no good.

You never gonna believe this but me have been really busy

a) in a contest with Barney to see who could hold out posting longer.
b) climbing up and sliding down St. Louis Arch screaming "HI KATE!".
c) Taking me gal to movie in Singapore and having to deal with guy behind us who NO stop huffing and puffing!!!
d) signing autographs posing as Kelsey Grammer
e) not getting out of bed because me so depressed that FMC am going off the market despite fact that me very happy for her.

Friends from down south called while back and ask if me want to come visit. Me always like to meet new internet friends so me go. They ask me to babysit while they go out for food for dinner. Me wished me seen that movie first, cause when penguins go out for dinner it takes like THREE OR FOUR MONTHS!!! They no drive, they WALK EVERYWHERE!! How dumb am that. So me sit on kid for few days then leave note and bring him back to cave. He good kid. He likes him beers!


a) "OH how cute!"
b) "Monstee! We didn't know you had so much ankle fat!"
c) "Penguins is practically chickens..."
d) all of the below
e) none of the above

Before we go home me take kid to big type amusement park and load him up on popcorn and chili-cheese corn dogs with extra onions and large plastic alien heads full of coke. There we decide to try to break record of longest time on roller coaster. 103 hours and fifty-five minutes. We do good at start, but he get board after bout 103 1/2 hours, so we quit. Arrow show where we was.


a) all of the above
b) "OH how cute!"
c) "Did you puke?"
d) "Penguins eat puke. If you pukes, would the little guy eat it?"
e) all of oil

Me never did

a) up chuck,
b) barf,
c) sell Buicks,
d) hurl,
e) flog the bishop,

cause me was little too busy holding on and trying to figure out what was best part of me life flashing before me eyes. When it was over me was ready to go, but kid was all wound up so me think that quick trip to petting zoo quite him down. There we see Burleson Arabians, the smallest breed of horse.
a) They was spicy!!!
b) They a all day crock pot kinda thing.
c) all of the side
d) Me know what 'flog the bishop' really mean.
e) Best thing am they come with they own floss!

So kid finally give out one humongous burp that smell like hoof, drop the hoof out his beak, and pass out. Me get him back to cave just in time to get call from me latest gal and think tank member Tara Reid.


a) "OH how cute!"
b) "OH MY GOD MONSTEE!"
c) one of the above and one of the below.
d) If you know her, she not as much a bimbo as you think she am!
e) If you no know her, she a bigger bimbo than you think she am.

She remind me that we have meeting with think tank. Now me have sleeping penguin kid with me and am going on like 8 or 9 days with no sleep so me offer to have it here at cave. Believe me, last think you want am bunch of brainy nerds hanging round you place complaining bout you snacks. Anyway... what we come up with am design for worlds largest toilet seat! It so big, we decide to keep them in orbit!


a) "OH now that's just silly!"
b) "OH now that's a great idea!"
c) "What? I'm sorry. I'm still looking at the boob."
d) the one above
e) The Great Below - NIN

So me dear friends and readers.... yeah, and YOU LURKERS TOO... me am back. For how long me not know. That was one really nice week+ off me had there. Me probably will do it again some time. But for now me got to get to reading all you blogs. Me sure me have to

a) read four or five posting from most of you
b) read Dr. Evil Scientist's post
c) keep waiting for next chapter from Dr. Maroon
d) keep waiting for anything from El Barbudo
e) post blunt cog strip
f) read the 5 or 6 chapters posted by SafeT
g) check in and see if Sara Laughing again
h) talk 'LOST' with Smacky
me) Read the 5,623 postings from Heatherfeather
j) just get back in groove.

See ya there!

Ugh!

Tag, A-Z A lot About Me

*for SOL*

Accent: Monsteespeak...you try taking with huge lower fangs in you face!

Booze of Choice: Jagermeister!

Chore I hate: Cavework

Favorite Perfume: On woman... Red... or fear. On me... whatever fresh to roll in... or beef and onions.

Gold or Silver: mmMMmmmsilver

Hometown: The onion BBS.

Insomnia: yes!

Job title: Kooky Monster.

Kids: 1 hatchling so far. Was hoping for 3 so me get one of each.

Living arrangement: Liquor in the font, poker in the rear!

Most admired trait(s): Boundless Cool - Genius - Dapper Man About Town - Godlike humility

Number of sexual partners: What you mean? At one time? Overall? Do getting a Lewinsky count? They say when you sleep with someone you am sleeping with everyone they ever slept with, so we could be talking millions.

Overnight hospital stays: When me get one of me stomachs stapled. Me tried tapping it, but it just not stick.

Phobia: Heights, live uncooked spiders, disgruntle barbers, Rhonda, suddenly shrinking down to one inch height and finding that little house me make out of lego's for me to live in have been taken apart by somebody and not put back together, being tagged to be stupid meme!

Quote: "In an insane society, a sane man must appear insane." - Mr. Spock

Religion: Monstaism

Siblings: Shmiblings!

Time I wake up: When me done sleeping.

Unusual talent/skill: Roadkill profiler, me can eat me weight in pasta, me breath peels paint

Vegetables I refuse 2 eat: The ones that say "HEY! DON'T FUCKIN EAT ME!!"

Worst habit: Killing people who tag me for memes.

X-rays: Needed to get specs to see that!

Yummy foods I make: Every thing me make am yummy!!! Why me go out of way to make shitty food?!?!

Zodiac Sign: Feces

Me will tag nobody cause me no want to get beat up... but... if you want to look really really cool... feel free!

Musical 8 Ball

ok, so Smacky ripped off sombody and Kate and Grrface ripped him off and now me am ripping ALL them off and if you wanna be kool like us, me suggest you rip me off and do this real quick on you blog. All the hip kids am doing it!

What you do am open you favorite computerized music player (ipod, itunes, whaever), set it to shuffle, and then ask each of these questions. Have Fun!

What do you think of me, itunes?
It must be love - Madness (Now that am nice!)

Will I have a happy life?
King of pain - The Police (Fuck.)

What do my friends really think of me?
Chemical Warfare - Dead kennedys (Me am NOT on drugs!!!)

Do people secretly lust after me?
Go Speed Racer Go! - Sponge (Hey! What that suposted to mean?)

How can I make myself happy?
Closer to God - NIN (...now we're back to fuck. Guess me need some churchin up.)

What should I do with my life?
Psychotherapy - Ramones (...ya trying to tell me somthing?)

Why must life be so full of pain?
Big Me - Foo Fighters (You calling me fat?)

How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
Remove Bones From Face Before Inserting In Hot Bird - NDI (if me had a dime for every time me thought of that...)

Will I ever have children?
Bizarre Love Triangle - New Order (That kinda makes sence in a way...)

Will I die happy?
Under Pressure - Queen (...ok, fat AND stress filled...)

Can you give me some advice?
The Futures so Bright I Gotta Wear Shades - Timbuck Three (Finally, somthing good!)

What do you think happiness is?
Get Down Make Love - NIN (Maybe there am somthing to all this!! Me like!)

What's my favorite fetish?
Jerkin' Back 'n' Forth - Devo (NO!!! Random chance!! That all it am, just random chance!!)

Old Stuff, New Stuff, Dumb Stuff

Old Stuff: Me was to start by saying me am very sorry for some of things me say in me last post. Me got little carried away and me let it all get to me head. Me guess that what me get for watching too much TV. So, me apologize. You am not all dicks. Some of you am bitches, but speaking of dicks....
ScarletSphinx seem to be of opinion that Mr. Satan have no Mr. Happy. Far be it from me to be one to say if or if not the Dark Lord do or do not have a wang. Dongs am just not something me spend lot of time thinking bout. But me always did think that Prince of Lies can appear as anything he want... so why he not want Johnson that am like huge? Guys with long rods seem to be more confident than those with little willys and speaking for those of us with enormous schlongs it am pretty cool.

Adrienne Barbeau did bring up good point about it being in Dictionary, and that entry am based on one of me favorite comedians Bill Hicks (God rest his soul) when he talk about rock and roll.
When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children?
I want my children to listen to people who fucking rocked.
I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit.
I want someone who plays from his fucking heart.
And these other musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against them?
Boy, do they suck. What a coincidence!
Ball-less, souless, spiritless corporate little bitches, suckers of Satan's cock, each and every one of them.
"We're rock stars against drugs cause that's what the President wants."
Aw, suck Satan's cock.
That's what we want isn't it, government approved rock n roll?
Whooh, we're partying now!
"We're rock stars who do Pepsi Cola commercials."
Suck Satan's cock. Put that big scaly pecker down your gullet. Drink that black worm jism. Drink it! Fill your little bellies. Ha Ha Ha!
Send in Vanilla Ice.
Hello Vanilla. Says here on your application, you have no talent, and yet you want to be a star. I think something can be arranged. Suck Satan's cock. Groooooh!
I will lower the standards of the earth. I will put 56 channels of American Gladiators on every TV. Grooh!! I will put all the money in the hands of 14 year old girls. They will think you are charismatic, deep and edgy. GROOOOOOOOOoooooohhhhhh....

Send in MC Hammer on your way out.

-Bill Hicks, Revelations, 1993

That good enough for me.... Except me will end this with just saying... Rosemary's Baby?

New Stuff:
Like me new Banner? It am new to the cave, but me have it for years and years. Me was using it for bookmark in moldy old box of porn. Little did me know that me idea was also idea of me new friend and our newest cave dweller (WARNING: The following link am not for faint of heart or ANYONE under age of... oh... lets be legal and say 18. Sarah am VERY open and VERY honest and not for anyone who prefer PG-13 life stile. Dang, she idles at a heavy R and cruising speed am somewhere between X and NC17. No get me wrong! Me like Sarah. Me think she am one of most funny and refreshing things me have found, but that just me. Me mean the girl can make clerk at adult "toy" store blush! heheheh... NO! You no distract me with funny things me am saying! This am you last warning! Sarah am great, but she am very raw and can have fouler mouth than me! Me think the girl sometimes gargle with douche!) Sarah! Either way it am great banner and me guess that great minds think alike! Me just not know what me am going to do with mine now.... oh well. Hi Sarah! Welcome to cave! (secret Note to everyone but Sarah: Me know, me know, me have not had much success with Sarahs in past... nor their pictures, but me think this time different. Really! She cool!)
Dumb Stuff:
Super Hero's that never made it:

1. Captain Exama
2. Major Infection and Pus-boy
3. The Metaphysical Mob
4. The Boys from Brazil
5. High Colonic the Enama kid
6. Josef Stalin
7. Random Roger and Condenser Mike
8. Ranger Dan and his big dog, Dick
or Ranger Dan and his big, dog dick
9. Yo Mama!
10. G.I. Gerbil and the Howling Hamster "Ah Woow Woooow!"
11. Agent Hairball & Coughing Kat
12. Mr. Parapism
13. Vibro Woman & Dildo Girl
14. The Black Klansman
15. Sergeant Masochist and his Drilled Privates
16. Poop Shooter
17. Little Immigrant and Banana Boat Boy
18. Crack Master and the Heroin Sheik
19. SlugMan
20. ApeFace & the Monkey Humpers

The fix is in

It have come to me attention that some of pics at cave have no been showing up in certain browsers or on certain computers along our info-highway.

Why you people no tell me this earlier?!?!

Many thanks to Ivar for filling Monstee in (even though me was at friends house last week and me discover problem meself). To repay kindness, you am moved to back of line for torture and ridicule... er, hazing... er, special welcoming to cave. But because you as only second to last person to be new at cave (and self confessed lurker) that only put one person in front of you....

Hello PerversoActor! Me have been to you blog.... did not understand one word. Ok, one word... maybe two. Three or four tops, but it help if me know what language it am in. Me would like to welcome you in you native language, but me not know what country you am from. Am it Hungry, Turkey, Greece?

mmmMMMmmmmmmturkeygrease....

NO! You NO distract Monstee with talk of you yummy homeland stuffed with bread crumbs and sitting in pan with mouth-watering drippings!! Me am Monstee! Me want to know why nobody tell me they not be seeing all Monstee's pictures that me be going out of way to hang on cave wall?

Me am approachable! Me am friendly! Me post me email address and AIM Handel for all to see just in case they want to reach out and say something like "Hi Monstee! How am you? Me can no see all you pictures you so lovingly hang on cave wall for everyone to enjoy! Me must be idiot!" Then me would very nicely says "NO! You am no stupid for THAT reason. That am problem with way me browser download certain pics. Me just discover it and am in process of fixing problem files.... MOTARD!!" But NooooOOOOOOOoooooo!!! You people all just go on giggling behind Monstee's back under him nose bout how he keep posting pictures nobody but him can see.

NOW me know why nobody give Monstee very many caption ideas for him funny picture.
You can see it now? If no, you going to tell Monstee? If you do see pic, feel free to go back and check out other pics you might have missed. We am fixing and updating all the time (which am definitely taking time away from developing lurker detected). Hopefully, soon ALL of me pics will be fixed and you then have NO problem seeing all Monstee's pretty pictures.

Me no like to post pictures that can no be picked up by all people... but if you have right kind of computer, link, server and browser... maybe you like to see dirty picture of last first time Monstee have sex.And before you start asking same old questions all over again...
1) Yes! She am shaving me ass.
2) NO. That am not midget arm sticking out of side of waterbed, it am blow up doll that get stuffed there somehow. Midget am taking picture.
3) Yes! Them am real tattoos on her body. Pic not so good to show all of them but there am Bat with yellow eyes, Oingo Boingo skull, chain of dancing beans, portrait of Sting (in circle with line through it), portrait of Danny Elfman (in circle with line through it), portrait of Monstee (NOTE: this am old pic. Today tattoo of Monstee portrait am in circle with line through it and next to portrait of Trent Reznor... DANG YOU Reznor! You one up me once again!), Band Logo's (The Police, The Sex Pistols, The Ramones, The Damned, The Dickies, Gen X, Misfits, Dead Kennedys, Devo, Black Flag, Sisters of Mercy, The Clash, Oingo Boingo, Adam & the Ants, Elvis Costello, XTC, Joe Jackson, the specials), Slippery when wet sign, scratch and sniff sign, Exit only sign (in circle with line through it), the covers of like the first 10 Steven King books, a shark with a MOD hat.
4) No. That am NOT optical illusion. They am that big and their spectacular.
5) NO. There am only 5 adult toys. You am counting pink one twice cause it wrap around.
6) Yes. You may download pic for you own use.


Feel free to submit caption for either pic!

Monstee gives credit where credit is due

Tam the season to be Monstee,
Fa la la la la, Mmmm mmmm mmm mmmmmmmmmmm.....

What?!?! You am saying. Monstee posting twice in same week? YES me am. Me am in such a good mood that just had to tell you guys. ...and screw you, me post as often or not at me want!

Anyway, what me love most about this time of year am that me hangover am just about going away and me start getting me belated MonstaShanah presents. Just imagine me surprise when me go to get mail and find box left at mouth of cave from "POP The Soda Shop!"

Now truth be know me was already expecting box because me secrete Santa (me know what me spelled... YOU not know what fat man do on Monster Holidays!) already tell me they getting it for me. Me not going to tell you who it am because me not want you all hounding them for free drinks youself, but me would like take opportunity to point out me really super good friend Kate before me forget. HI KATE!!! You totally rock for no other reason than you just being youself!!! Thanks for everything (if you know what me mean... wink, wink)!!! Now me not want to get into debate if Kate am nicest person in world or not, cause then we got to start comparing her to Mother Teresa and Jesus and me and we not got time for all that. But me did want to mention her because what you know? Box happen to have some of her favorite soda inside! What am the odds?!?

ABITA Root Beer/ INGREDIENTS: Carbonated Water, cane sugar, caramel color, root beer flavor, phosphoric acid

Now me was expecting good things from this drink because, 1) it am brewed like beer and 2)CANE SUGAR. Me figure, what can go wrong, but although me love root beer, me never had this Kind and really not know what to expect. Here am transcript of what go on in Monstee's head after me drink.

DRINK #1

Adult half of brain: SWEET!!!
Picky kid half of brain: What is this? This is different!
     I don't like this! I want IBC!
Man in labcoat who analyze everything: SWEET!!!
7/9ths of brain that relate everything to everything else:
     No wonder Kate's so sweet!
Super taster who like to pick out flavors in food and drink: Lord GOD that is sweet!!
Sense of fairplay: Now don't judge a soda by your first
     drink.
Inner child half of brain: Can I have another drink of that?

Drink #2

Adult half of brain: Wow is that sweet!
Picky kid half of brain: This is different! It not at all like
     IBC!
Man in labcoat who analyze everything: SWEET!!!
7/9ths of brain that relate everything to everything else:
     Kate doesn't have a sweet tooth, she had a sweet skull!
Super taster who like to pick out flavors in food and drink: OK, there is really root beer in there... sweet, but
     root beer none the less...
Sense of fairplay: You really should finish that before
     making judgment.
Inner child half of brain: Can I have another BIG drink of
     that?

Drink #3

Adult half of brain: Ya know, that's not bad!
Picky kid half of brain: I can drink this!
Man in labcoat who analyze everything: I hope we don't
     lose a foot!
7/9ths of brain that relate everything to everything else:
     If Dr. Pepper is still the best.... then this is about a
     Dr. Pep! Its right up there with Mr. Pib!
Super taster who like to pick out flavors in food and drink: Oh god, the brewing process has cooked the sugar
     into a caramel flavor the just sits under the root beer
     flavor and waits for you to find it...yum.
Sense of fairplay: I think my work here is done.
Inner child half of brain: Can I have my own bottle of that?

Drink #4+

All parts of brain: Oh wow... that's almost as good as sex.

Oh before me forget, me also want to thank Heatherfeather for what she do for me night before last. Thanks Heatherfeather!! You have no idea how frustrated me was before you do that for me! Of ALL me new best gal cavedwellers... you the latest!

Oh, NotKate also include couple of BAWLS GUARANA High Caffeine Guarana Beverage. It was pretty good too... a little lemon/limey. Once me get over fact that it come in bottle shaped like french tickeling adult toy me find if quite refreshing. Even though it it have so much caffeine it give me Van Halen Legs.

Popularity Contest

Well here it am about half way through month and me see by me stats that it am already good month for ole cave being hit on. But what get me am where all the people am coming from....

By far MOST of me hits come from Kate! Thanks Kate! Then me get hits from search engines then Sara then Lauren what appear to be people hitting "Next Blog" button from other blogger blogs then Smacky. Thanks to everyone for steering people to cave, but me had NO idea me was getting so many from search engines! What they looking for when they find me? Wanna know? Here am list of words used in they searches when they hit me! It in order of most to least popular word.

coke - commercial - penguin - porn - barbeau - legal - barley - adrianne - bear - monstee - teens - milfs - polar - discount - cave - pp - and - the - penultimate - wall - penguins - monstea - clasic - peril - coed - zombie - to - rigermortis - monster - picture - drunk - north - what - fake - of - pole - sexy - excerpt - a - head - adrienne - quizel - free - make - puff - bobble - on - movies - commercials - gallery - how - class - high - teen - you - photo - palmetto - boobs - www.meammonstee.com - gum - scurvy - goldstars - girl - english - gag - toy - mahnamahna - it - clam - wild - felching - eating - game - cartoon - sliding - tongue - jeffery - in - puss - me - prepubescent - busted - bears - pregnant - flesh - mspaint - person - am - his - reflex - trucks - family - i - death - store - go - big - pills - everyone - know - madgirl.swf - dying - 80 - pierced - gone - smacky - ball - nude - grass - nubile - foamy - dalmer - bugs - we - stupid - school - mouth - marmots - bubble - suppressing - hot - mini - fantastic - radiation - field - for - brystpule - - scan - coarse - ad - blue - golf - 3 - play - pic - 4

Me DARE you. Use em all in a sentence and win!

...but me have been commenting!

OKOKOKOK! So me haven't been posting much this month. Give me break! Thanksgiving am different for monsters than it am for you people! First off, it am 4 days long and we never have leftovers. You just eat till you pass out and pray that nobody force more food into you gullet while you sleeping. You think you get sleepy after you gorge? Me have you know that this time of year eating feasts often cause many monsters to drift off into monthly hibernation cycles that can last weeks! Those of us who no go into long term sleep tend to take to street in search of more turkey necks and hamhoks and bologna & potato chip sandwich and gizzards and scrapple and tripe and chitlins and monkey brains and them big bugs that they eat in Indiana Jones II (the crappy one) and soup with eyeballs and buckets of nightcrawlers and cranberry sauce and beef hearts and chicken hearts and turkey hearts and artichoke hearts and hearts are trump and are you still and reading this and or did you and or just skip and down to and the end of and the list and diamonds and clubs and spades and snips and snail's and puppy dog tails and that fuzzy stuff that have been in back of fridge for like six months that am now fuzzy and hairy and you no know if it am meat or cake but am pretty sure that it am not meatcake and some wired soup that have like hotdogs and greenbeans in it and macaroni and cheese that have been made in microwave without adding any water and Bread and apples and very small rocks and cider and great gravy and cherries and mud and churches and lead and a duck and largemough and smallmouth and walleyed too and crappies out the ass and potato chicks and cheese girls and soft & fluffy carp and the white stuff and two all beef patties and special sauce and lettuce and cheese and pickle and onion and a sesame seed bun and ROADKILL!!! TONS & TONS OF ROADKILL!!!!

So... no indifference to last comment me get on last posting (you hit scroll bar and look it up! After all that me am in NO mood to put link in there for just to take you to last postings!) Me am sorry for not posting so much lately but me have been working on stuff. Stuff you see in future... me hope.

AND, me have also been keeping up YOU and your little blogs out there. So just to fill out this little posting of nonsense, me will include last comments me make at all you blogs tonight. If you already read them... well you get to read them again. For you me will not tell who get what comment so you have to guess who get what where and so forth... ...this could be fun.

mmmmMMMMMmmmmcrappygasstationmicrowaveburgers...
When you toilet grow feet? It must have got feet if it am running!
Hehehehe!
toilet at cave grow nose... Because it am smelling!!! HAHAHAHAHA!

Me feel so bad for... what his name is. But, me also feel good for him for me know personally that life am better without really big bitch in it all of time.

Also... PEEPS?!?!?! YAHGH!! HO NO! PEEPS!!! YAAAAAAGH!!!! Peepspeepspeepspeepspeepspeespepessepeespsspseps...
ARRRGGGGHHHHHHGHGYUCKHGARRRAGRRGRGRJHRHRHABLECKAAH

::pant pant::

...how you people eat such things?

NASCAR Ice Cream?

It say it turbo-charged with rich chocolate fudge, crunchy chocolate-covered peanuts and exclusive fudge-filled race cars.

Hmmmm... Me think you should watch out eating anything that have pressurized injection system in it own engine!

Me also think you have pretty smile, but try not to do it with chunks of fudge-filled race cars in teeth.

HOW MANY TIMES ME GOT TO TELL YOU?!?! Ramones am best band ever! Me have only heard of half of band on you list and me can guess that other half am just as crappy! How you possibly describe youself as ultimate partier when you listen to such shmalts and groupie oriented music? You need exposed to other music not on radio or coming out phones of you friends! Get out on you own! Read a book too!

This have all been said with like.

IT AM PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHAT FOR SHOULD DIE!

"You might say, the secret ingredient is salt." - Marge Simpson

If you am asking me... me say that spices am the spice of life! If used properly, them can turn the most mediocre cook into a spicy tasty not that bad cook. Me know me had cooking window opened when me learned what to do with Basil and Shallots.

P.S. Me am surprised that no one mention anything about if wife have nice rack to use with spices. Me guess that am me job to make such lowbrow humor, but me not going to do it! Nyea.

Nice. Me like!

Me refuse to believe one word of you posting. Why? Because me know for fact it have at least ONE lie in there, and if there am one lie, then can be others. What lie you ask? That one about girls gone wild girl. Me know for fact that them girls am NOT real. They am robots or puppets or something. Me refuse to believe that they am real... for with me being so old... it just too sad to think what me am missing.

Oh sure, there am easy ones like...
"To get to the other side."
...but you looking for funnier ones like...
"Walk out? Help me find my keys and we'll drive out!"
"Me Injun Joe. Me check for bees."
"Hilittleboy.""Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii..."

It's peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time
Where he at Where he at Where he at Where he at
There he go There he go There he go There he go
Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly
Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly,
Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat...

News In Literature

Important facts that you may not know about next Lemony Snicket book, The Penultimate Peril. (this am mainly do to fact that grrface get tons of comments when she post about book)

Words that no appear in book:
1. rimjob
2. prepubescent
3. prostatectomy
4. frotteurism
5. speculum
6. brystpule
7. gynecomastia
8. bukkake
9. priapism
10. felching

Terms that no appear in book:

1. jailbait sandwich
2. driving down the Hershey Highway
3. carpet licking
4. puffing on the meat cigar
5. Bending to the will of the one eyed purple warrior
6. Dialing zero on the little pink telephone
7. BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend)
8. pimp juice
9. If There's Grass on the Field, Play Ball
10. Letting the crotch lizard terrorize the tiny town of pinkville

Excerpts that no appear in book:
1. "Oh my," said Klaus. "Either I'm swelling or my trousers are shrinking. Now this can't be right!"
2. Throwing the feather boa around his neck, Count Olaf stopped to admire himself in the mirror. The garters could be higher, the bra could be tighter, and the black panties could be smaller. Oh well, at least now he could relax and be grateful that he no longer had to wear those disguises.
3. Once again Violet had to distract Count Olaf while the others continued the plan. The tin cans and rubber bands made excellent knee pads and she was glad for the opportunity to test her newest invention. Although she had emptied the glass over an hour ago, the liquid was still suppressing her gag reflex beautifully.
4. The words Sunny Baudelaire used were not nonsense. If any of the doctors present had had half of her intelligence, or half the experience of her siblings, they would have recognized what she was saying as "There's blood when I wipe,"
5. For Beatrice- During our last love making, I felt so alive. I wish you had been.

Monstee Music (Part 2 - minus the bear)

Me newest CD am already about two years old. Not that me have had it that long, me just get it! But it have been out while and me not lay paws on it till me good friend send it to me in mail. She know Monstee am big, BIG Ramones fan and also know that Monstee like other bands too. So it am not hard to think that Monstee would like Ramones songs done by other bands on this tribute album called


"We're A Happy Family"
When me first get CD me open it up and read liner notes on little book that am included with CD. It am VERY long and about how all tribute albums suck, except this one. For some reason me not stop reading till the end and after what seem like 3 or 4 chapters we find out it am Steven King. That pretty cool considering me know him am really big Ramones fan...as well as being Heavy Metal fan and fan of Disco (go figure).

So me listen to CD for like 4 or 5 times before me can get jaw off floor and eyes back in skull. It am good. It am REALLY REALLY GOOD!

OK, like you got bands doing songs that am pretty close to what you know by the Ramones, but in maybe a little more slick and produced with noticeable different singer... but they still keep the heart and soul of song in tack and it am clear they am fans. Here me am referring to bands like Eddie Vedder, Pete Yorn and Rooney. They do REALLY good job but it am just kinda strange hearing.

Then there am the bands that do great covers, but add something. It still the same song, but clearly have new and different sound to it. Coodoes to whoever picked who do what song because it am very good choice and kinda makes sense. Me NEVER would have thought Metallica would do such good job on "53rd & 3rd". Garbage "I Just Wanna Have Something To Do" and KISS "Do You Remember Rock 'n' Roll Radio" am nearly perfect examples of great covers taken one step toward the bands own sound.... OH, and Greenday was made to cover "Outsider". Good for The Offspring for getting the ever popular "I Wanna Be Sedated". They were almost perfect except they took the road of MOST bands that cover that song and GOT THE FUCKING LYRICS WRONG!!!! IT'S TWENTY TWENTY TWENTY-FORE HOURS TO GO! NOT TWENTY TWENTY TWENTY-FORE HOURS AGO!!! AAARRRRRGGGHHH!!!!

:::pant pant:::::


Oh, then there am the songs that am just WILD to here the bands version. It am still good, but almost completely different song. Red Hot Chili Peppers doing "Havana Affair" am one thing, but leave it to Rancid to take the ultimate punk song "Sheena Is A Punk Rocker" and make it MORE punk! The Pretenders have the longest song on the CD with "Something To Believe In". This am one of me favorites, but it am so strange hearing it so slow. Me think the biggest deviation from the norm and bands like Rob Zombie doing "Blitzkrieg Bop" and Marilyn Manson doing "The KKK Took My Baby Away". They am the same old songs we know and love, but here they sound like Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson song. Also, could there be better song pick for Marilyn? Maybe "Psycho Therapy"... hmmm. Anyway, along same lines me found Tom Waits "Return Of Jackie And Judy" good, but almost unrecognizable, and hearing U2 do "Beat On The Brat" kinda makes me laugh. Me just can no stop smiling when me hear angelic, melodic, save the world, Mr. Bono going on about beating on brats with baseballs bats!!!
It am SO great!!
So if you no can tell by now me really love this CD. Also, you may be telling that me not usually write music reviews. That am true so me will stop now.

Ok, me give you two more really fast ones.

1. Me am beginning to like Korn.
2. MTV do not necessarily suck big green donkeys, but it do have little that interest me at this time. Maybe me just need to listen more and give it time.


Thanks Kate!
;]

Me have totally awesome set of tools

What? Monstee am posting more than once a week? Yeah, yeah, yeah... screw!

This post am in response to recent IM me get from lurker who wish to remain nameless. They say that they like visit Monstee's cave to look at funny pictures Monstee change. Me just want to respond thusly:

ME NEVER CHANGE PICTURE IN ME LIFE!!!

It am true! Me no CHANGE pictures, me analyze them. There am big difference. When you change pic you make it look different than it did by adding new stuff like cars, taking out stuff you no want like ugly people and changing the look of what am there like airbrushing boobies. What am left an what you want, but it am changed. Me NEVER do that. Me have really good set analysis tools that let Monstee look over pic file (inside and out) and whatever me find when me analyze, me can bring out. It am nothing new and me not take nothing away! Me just showing what am already there, but hidden by other stuff in file and using THAT stuff to hide what am already obvious. Not a change, just an analysis. You want proof? Ok.....

Here me am giving you access to 3 of Monstee's old pic tools. You no pay for nothing so me not giving you ability to save pics you analyze. First we need pic. Let's take one from.... oh, lets say Kate. We not picking on Kate, we just using pic of Kate's friend from Kate's blog.

1. Emotion Tool: This am really cool tool that bring out hidden emotions of people you have in pics. Most people never realize how much data digital camera pick up when you use it. It get all kinds of stuff that you never see unless you analyze pic with tool like this. Press button, and move tool around. You see!

2. Fluid Tool: You ever see that light they use to show spots and stains from "bodily fluids"? This am same thing. You eyes no see it, but it there and camera pick it up. This tool make it possible to see it. Press button and you get tool. Turn light on tool on with little yellow button and move tool around and you see.

3. Wackamole Tool: With this tool you analyze.... um.... well.... Ok, me not know what you analyze with this tool (it come bundled with bunch of others). But it do use hammer and pump to bring out hidden wackamole traits in subjects.

full scale version

NOW you see what me mean? Pics on me blog NOT EVER BEEN changed!

Me think me prove me point.

Monstee's Bits and Pieces

Me am sorry me have no posted so much for so long... but me have been getting caught up doing other things.... me have been thinking bout posting... but just never get round to finishing good chain of thought to put down in post.

So here am bunch of junk me may never get round to finishing...

1. Did you know Fats Domino was stage name? It true! Him real name Lardass Backgammon.

2. The Evil G'Kar is stealer of planets and need to be destroyed! Me say band together galactic empires and wipe scourge from stars so Little Red of the Riding Hoods can get her planets back.

3. Shirly's daughter worked in that building.

4. Me only have seven teeth. Me counted! Me only have seven and they all fangs and they all on bottom.

5. Me have not name dropped in while.

6. Me am glad Jenny McCarthy am back on TV. Me know she take time off for having babies and all that, but what with what happen last time we see each other, me never know.

7. Me was in New York few weeks ago. Best thing that happen there am Birthday party of me friend Sara Brown. Here am pic of me and her at her party. Me not so sure she remember me being there. She am pretty drunk at time. She drinking this lemon/beer-booze... Like Mike's Hard Lemonade but with extra balls!

8. Me not really like corn on cob. (see #4 above) It Ok, but me like it better off cob and cooked with garlic. mmMMMMmmmmmgarlicorn!

9. Me have no smoked for over month now. Please no congratulate me. If you do, me will have to stab you in face with ballpoint pen.

10. Looking at me site stats me see some strange things. Me knew me had traffic from strange places, but.... It seem that two of top search phrases am "Adrienne Barbeau" and "sexy bubble gum teen". This no make no sense to me. Me good friend Kate say she get phrases like "Eating expired pasta" and "Hideous sandwich". Me can see that!!! When have me ever talked about "sexy bubble gum teen"? Adrienne Barbeau me understand too. She am one of me lurkers that me no mind her not commenting. Me understand. Hey Adrienne, we need hang out again soon. Just you & me this time, we ditch swamp thing and take off! What you say?

11. Me also see that 93% of people coming to cave only stay here less than 30 seconds. WooHoo!!! All them hits and me no got to worry bout entertaining them! HAHAHAH! In interest of getting more people like them, let me just say that at Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn (p.p.) you can download nude pics of Britney Spears in the nude for free as soon as we get some and are sure we not get sued for it. Same go for Nude pics of Jessica Simpson nude free pics and nude fantastic 4 nude Jessica Alba nude download free now as soon as nude and free download as soon as me get some for you to. :]

13. Me have noticed that me tend to drop numbers when me making list of things. Why am that?


Well that am good bakers dozen. Me hope to have special project up and running soon.

Monstee Gets An Idea

Me was not going to post anything this weekend, what due to it being holiday weekend and this am weekend where Monstee stay inside mostly. (It am hot and it am not good for monsters be around global villagers with explosives and torchlike things) Me also wanted to give lurkers as long as possible to post comment and thereby stop being lurkers and become commenting contributing readers and participants of Monstee's Cave. But it seem that ff am only one of you that have GUTS to come out of hiding and just say 'Hi'.

HI ff!!! Glad you stop by! You am lucky you avoid laughter and ridicule at you expense, but you better keep on you toes! Me am watching you....

As for rest of you lurkers.... THIS AM IT! Me am now going to start in on Monstee's new 'Out the Lurkers' program of pain and embarrassment! You have you chance, so you can no say nothing when me do what it am that me do that you not want me do when me do it!!!! HAHA!! Me am Monstee!

Now, back to what inspire me to post when me have no intention of posting am recent conversation me have with Stargasergirl and recent posting in Kate's blog. Yes, another one!!!! Hey, if you no be such a lurker then maybe me have better material work with and not pick on... er, me mean rely on Kate so much!!! If you no like it then you remember it am all YOU fault!!!

Now, if you following Kate's blog then you know she and her gang of cohorts am roadtripping down to great state of panic... er, Florida to see Stargazergirl/Carrie. Kate/Kate took Paul/husband and friends/friends with her/her. (YOU look them up! Me not know all these people!!) Well in latest post Kate say this:

(Incidentally, Mon, Paul said I've made you sound really cool and he'd like to meet you next time we're in that area for a LAN. I snorted and chortled [snortled?] and said I'd let you know.)

Now, disregarding what sound like sarcastic nose honking on Kate's part... Me thought this was GREAT idea! Me love LAN! Then, after while, me google LAN and find out it stand for "Local Area Network" and not short for Lanshire, like me thought at first.

mmmMMMmmmmmlanshire...

NO! Me will not be distracted by thoughts of yummy roadside and gas station treats!!! Why Mr. Paul man want to meet Monstee for LAN??? Am they that good? Am they better than Lanshire? Am they not what Google say and instead of being like tiny little internet the am just in building, they am really good tasty electronic teckno treat? Do he really what to split what sound like VERY expensive snack, or am he just really, REALLY socially impaired and he need to email Monstee from across the room? Me will let you all know when me find out. Me know that him no visit Monstee's cave so him am no Lurker like SOME of you!! So we be nice to him... for now... but me have pictures... hehehe.

Also me was talking to Carrie when she get home from what sound like fun time with gang, driving around in rain and cursing at people. She say that she feel kind of bad that there am not much to do in her town and she feel that with all bad weather and all that nobody going to come back and revisit her. Me think that am silly! What more fun am there than driving hundreds of mile to see old friends and drive round in rain cursing at people??? Great fun!! But me guess that it am something that she no like to do all that much so me come up with new idea for her... miniature golf!

If she build miniature golf coarse in her town then there am stuff to do!!! Everyone LOVE miniature golf! Then me think, bowling! Yeah, everybody have miniature golf... she need miniature bowling!!! People come from miles to play miniature bowling! Me give her idea and she say that she am NO good at bowling... so them me start thinking who to make idea new and fresh and put all players on same level... Not miniature bowling or miniature golf.... MEGA GOLF! You play Mega Golf outside with bowling ball on huge miniature golf coarse that am no longer miniature!! We talking REAL windmills!! You have to bowl ball round corners, up hills, through tunnels... the whole nine yards... er, holes, yeah. And no pins at end either. You got to bowl into big hole with flag! We call it BOWLFING!

Bowlfing! Yet another great idea brought to you from Monstee Enterprises.

New cave, New Post!

Hi kids!

Well here we am. Me have new cave at new address that am little deeper in big woods next to info highway we call internet. It am nice. As far as me can tell movers move everything over good. And me mean everything! They even move over old moldy box of porn! To tell truth, me have not taken time to look over ever nook and cranny, so if you notice nook or catch cranny that no look right, you let me know and me either fix it or ignore you ASAP. Me guess me should check everything out... but me not want to. Me having enough problems keeping up with other blogs for reading, doing all things in personal life and trying to post more than once week. Sometimes me get bushed! But now me going to steal... er me mean take idea from some other blogger who name escapes me and just list bunch of crap that need to be said.

First off, sometime when me mistype word "crap" me mistype it "crape". Me guess me "e" claw am just to speedy for me own goode! mmmMMMMmmmmcrapes!

Me have not taken opportunity to thank me good friend, host and sponsor Kate for setting Monstee up in new cave and giving him all the shiny new backend stuff and file space. If you no know about all this, me not going to link it. You find it youself. That what me did. Me am still getting use to it and it am seeming pretty cool. Thank you Kate!!!

As me have said in past, me am aware that me have lurkers. If you not aware of term, lurker am person who read postings but never comment. Me know you am there. You know who you am. Me was going to use this posting to out one or two of you and pass on funmakings and ridicule... but me decided not to. THIS AM YOUR LAST CHANCE. All you need do am comment and then you no longer am lurker, you am reader. Reader/Lurker... it up to you. Me know where you live/post/eat lunch/get you pictures developed/go to have smoke at break time. If me no have embarrassing pictures, me can get them!

-------------------------------------------------------
In recent post, Smacky say this... " I'm glad the surge in popularity in the zombie genre finally allowed George Romero (the king of zombie films) to get his fourth one made. I also hope it doesn't suck. At least they're not fast-moving zombies. WTF is up with that?"

Since him seem to forget that Monstee am best resource for all things Monster, me will explain topic here. Now, there am in fact five distinct types of zombies... Starting from worst to best there am....

Zombie Punk
These am not really zombies in true sense or term. They am just bunch of young people on drugs who sit around and veg out like zombies until they think you have drugs or money to buy drugs and then they mob you. No flesh eaters here... unless one REALLY freaks out, and they as easy to kill as anybody on street. You can kill one with fork if you really try. They about as fast or slow as they drug abused bodies and minds will allow.

Voodoo Zombie
This am true Zombie, but not monster type or undead flesheater. This am person who am unlucky enough to tick off mean ole' Voodoo man and let him blow puff of zombie powder into face so they go into trance like state where everyone think they am dead. This last long enough for weepy family to do funeral and put person in ground and go on with lives. Then mean ole' Voodoo man come and dig up coffin and go through song and dance like he am raising dead. What he really doing am waiting for zombie powder to ware off and person to come back to normal. When they do they usually been driven crazy by "dying" and being buried and dug up and "brought back to life" and they think they am zombie and do whatever mean ole' Voodoo man say. This am still living person how you kill same as anyone and tend to be kinda slow due to being driven crazy and all. They still can have crazy frenzy freakout, but usually are to depressed about being zombie.

Zombie Curse
Well now we get to first of undead monster type zombie. This am dead person who am cursed and not allowed to leave they dead body. It am pretty good curse. They got to just sit around all day and feel theyselves rot! Curses vary in exactly what they do. Some let person be same as they was when they was alive, sept now they am walking corpse. Some curses just animate dead body to walk around and do what they am told to do. In last case zombie and mindless stupid thing that take you literally and do what master say... but me wouldn't want it drive me anywhere! Still no crazed flesh eaters here... unless you curse someone like Jeffery Dalmer like type one or order your type two to eat people. Also them am still easy to kill. Massive damage to body will rekill them. We not talking like stabbing them in stomach or anything... we talking multi-dismemberment or disemboweling or just cutting them in half. This not always hard to do as all type two mindless zombies am slow stupid things but type one personality zombies can be as fast as they body allow until it start rotting and giving out on them.

radiation Zombie
OK! Now we getting somewhere. Here am the first of the flesheaters. These am the monster type zombies that am in the old George Romero movies. When they not in black and white, they tend to be somewhat blue colored. It am pretty sky type blue. In them old movies they say they not know why dead am up walking around and eating people, but if you listen real close near beginning of first black and white film "Night of the Living Dead" then you hear that satellite NASA send out to Saturn have come back to earth and am giving off strange radiation. Am there coincidence? These zombies am dumb! They run on base instinct and are driven with lust for human flesh! Yeah, it have been proven that given time and positive reinforcement they can be taught simple tricks and can feel some basic positive emotion, but over all, they just want to eat you. They am slow because of lack of brain energy to keep them going, but when they up close they can jerk around and bite you pretty quick. They also like to mob you and share you like a buffet! Harder to kill than any before, you need to damage the brain. Smash it or disconnect it or hack it into bits or blast hole in it.. whatever as long as it stop sending energy to body. Short of that, whatever you do they just keep coming to eat you flesh. Oh, also if you have radiation zombies running round, if they not eat you all up then in time you going to become zombie too. They claw and bits WILL cause infection that kill you, but even if you die from say, slipping in tub, if they around you going to become one of them.

Toxic Zombie
Now these am the worst! There am two types of Toxic Zombies, Bio toxin and Chemical Zombie. Both are really fast and both are kinda smart. Chem zombies tend to be a bit smarter and don't have need to eat you flesh, they want you brains! Chem zombie start out like type one curse zombie above with persons full personality in dead body, but as rigermortis and bloating set in it get so painful that something go snap and they know that only thing that stop pain of being dead am eating living brains! Brains!Brains!Brains!Brains! Chem zombies have been known to use advanced tools such as radios to call for fresh brains. Now bio toxin zombies are smart too, but driven by some sort of rage or fury that override they smarts. They about as smart as any angry vainy soccer dad having full out I'm going to kill you type fight with blind umpire who make bad call on their kid. You know the type. Instead of hitting though, they again want to eat you flesh. And what am worse am that they want flesh as fresh as possible. If they take down neighbor and start eating and you walk by and say "Hey, what cha eaten?" then they see you walking round and know that waking flesh am fresher so they go after you! Because after all, they want fresh flesh DAMNIT! Both types carry the toxin in they mouth so if they bite you it will get infected and you will die and become one of them. Biotoxin zombie can be stopped with the brain damage thing, but chem zombies can only be stopped by full out dismemberment( which leave you with pile of twitching limbs and things) or full damage to entire zombie, such as burn it all up or dissolve it all in acid. Short of that, they gonna try to get you brains!

Me hope this explain a thing or two.
Glad me could help.

Busted!

Well what you know... Fresh Meat! Yes now is time when me am posting bout person me have never posted about but many of you know or know about or know of or not know you know you know... you know?

Anyway, you no let me get ahead of meself. For some time now me have had little voice whispering in back of head. Well... ok, me almost always have little voice whispering in back of head, but this one am different and have something important to say. Before you ask what it say, let me tell you me not sure what it say. It just say that something not right. Then me find it!

Me was looking round at some of me cheaper, older, downloaded computer games and me find one that me was hooked on some time ago. What do that have to do with little voice? Little voice say that game am key and where have me seen old game lately?

BING! ::Lightbulb:: Me remember and little voice confirm. It am on Kate's blog sight in posting about... well me not sure what posting about... BUT HERE IT AM!

Before you get started, NO this am not another pick on Kate posting and YES me am aware me just did Kate in last posting... but Kate did post in her post a picture by Carrie that supposed to be "Carrie's Artwork".

For those of you who no know, Carrie am Stargazer, good friend of Kate, recent Donkey type puzzle partner to yours monstee and fresh meat for jest and ridicule for me am outing her!!! Yes, me am outing her big fat LIE here! Me not so sure where lie am but me know it am here! How me know? Because Carrie's picture look exactly like old, cheapy type downloaded computer game from the 70's! Now how can that be?
Did Carrie make artwork for game before she am born? Did Carrie COPY artwork from old game and try passing it off as her own? NoooOOOOooo....

Carrie am really telling lie about her age and she really 40 year old down on luck computer programmer who program game with her artwork and many years ago started fooling Kate into thinking they close to same age when she go through high school all over again for some sort witness relocation program because she turn in big mob type people in bug mob type computer game swindle that go bad and she turn states evidence!!! HA HA Miss Stargazer girl! Me have figured you out! And now me show me poof and everybody know truth! HA HA, HA HA!

Monstee was there... Where were you?

7 days... it took 7 days!
7 days for AngryGrrFace to notice and comment on fact that me have been making fun.. er.. me mean make posting warm and friendly thoughts about her in me last post. Me guess that am not too long for somebody that am as busy as she am these days... but still. She am lucky me no have time to post other postings of Monstee's rambling thoughts and thinkings in mean time. If me was not busy, me could have posted so much that she never think to go back and read me old postings and then she never know. But me not, so she not, and she did, and now what am me going to do about it. Nothing. Me have picked on her enough for now. Me need to move on. Me could do another Kate type posting... but me have done her enough for now too... Me need to find fresh meat! Me wanted to post funny type posting on me good friend Smacky, but me know him am really busy with work and him three houses and moving in and out and buying and selling and all that. Me wanted to find something for ridicule about him, but although me did find lots of new stuff out about him on internet recently, me can find nothing funny to poke at him. He am just too nice and cool to do Monstee post on. Me did try to see him last week. Me was in DC area for me other job, and me thought me would stop by him new house... er... me mean bungalow, and help him eat... er, me mean move any big and tasty boxes that him still have that need eating, er moving. But me guess him and family not at home. Me hear frightened animals inside, but nothing else. So me go over to him old house and see if him am mowing lawn or fixing up place for selling or notwhat... but him not there either. Me can see why him want to move! Old house am dump! New place am so much nicer and more homey. Me am sure old place will sell, heck me live in cave, you bound to find someone to buy old place. But when you compare old and new place, there an no comparison! But then me go back to new place and when me compare, it look like mansion. Oh sure, it am little bit smaller... but oh so nicer. Even though nobody there to greet me, me take picture of new place to prove me was there.
You no have to worry Smacky, me make sure me cover up address so nobody know where you live. Unless they have contacts like Monstee have, they now got to look at picture and drive around DC area looking for house that match. Next time me working in DC area, me email you first and let you know. Me notice you new mushroom crop am almost ready and old septic tank out back am making fine swimming pool. If you need, me will even help you dig new hole for outhouse! You not want to use hole from last people who live there. That just not right.

Monstee plays God

First me want to apologize for way me treat you last posting. Me have no other excuse other than me am not quite meself since me stop smoking. Me not want to smoke.... but me still want to smoke... You know what me mean? It am weird. Me know it am bad for me and me will be more healthier now that me stop... But me also want to light up friendly little stick of death and suck it into lungs. But me don't and me wont. Me want to! Me also want to drive ice pick into you eye if you look at me wrong way... you better not be thinking you gonna ask which am wrong way!!!

So now with that out of way, me say we try and have some fun. What better way am there to have little bit of fun than to ridicule other person? Now me have noticed that Lauren have not been posting much at all in past few weeks, so lets pick her. This way we can see if she am still logging on and checking us out and not just posting or she really busy. Also, if she no have time to post then she no have time to get Monstee back. hehehehehe

OK. So Lauren say in her most recent posting that she am getting back with boyfriend. Me will make no comment on this as all me know and remember about him am fact that he pinch him nipples in public. But who doesn't? Really, who doesn't?

Anyway, me was thinking that it would be fun to get sample of both they DNA and clone some sort of being that am half him and half her and let them look at it and go "Eywwwwwwwww!" But them wetblanket killjoy who remain nameless remind Monstee that cloning am illegal and they already have name for half him half her clones.... Children. But that no stop Monstee from trying!!! Well, me no get they DNA. Closest me get was picture of each of them. Why not more people keep DNA on file on internet? Anyhoo, me do next best thing with pictures. Me take one of her + one of him, and get THIS: Calm down! Calm down! It am only a picture. It can no hurt you. Me know how you feel, but guess how me feel.... Me spent hours making dang thing! What am it? What am it's name? What do it do for living and what am it hobbies?

Me say...
Name: Pat
Gender: ???
Work: Food industry
Hobby's: Smoking and pinching nipples.

Hey, me made the dang picture, YOU come up with better bio!

Dang me need a smoke!

Monstea?

Me good friend Kate post a picture of her new Tea Shelf. Now Kate like tea. She REALLY like tea! She like tea so much that me think me start calling her Katetea!

Me have nothing against tea. Tea am good. Tea am almost good as coffee, and you know me like me coffee! When you live in cave like me do, you learn like worm drinks that comfort you when it damp and chilly. Me like to mix me tea. Me mix up batch of Green, Black and Earl Gray together. It look like camouflage! Me mix in other tea one time, but was oohot and took oolong to ooldown. Me point? Me am Monstee! Me like tea... but not as much as Katetea like tea.

When she post about her tea she ask:
So ... is it overkill? Am I obsessed? Just wondering...
Me no think it am overkill. If she use tea as furniture... THAT am overkill. Me know think she am obsessed. She talk about lots more stuff than tea... but never crumpets... hmmmm... why no crumpets with tea?

mmMMmcrumpets

NO! Amount of tea am not problem. KIND of tea am problem! Me show you. Look here at bottom of tea shelf. You see box of tea? It look like harmless box of tea sitting on floor with other kinds of tea, do it not? Well it am NOT! Me spot this tea first time me see picture and it make me wonder just what all kind of tea it am that Katetea am drinking. Katetea say she like all kinds of tea. Well now we know that am all too true! This am MONSTER tea!! [YOU GASP HERE] Yes, you hear me, MONSTER tea! Me have been seeing this tea in caves for many years of me long life. You take look at close up of box and you see what me mean.

SHE WHAT ME MEAN?!?!
Oh Katetea, we know you love you tea. We know you no live without you tea. But you should no be drinking monster tea. Me know, me know... it am best tea going with roadkill... but that no excuse! Me see plenty other strange and bizarre tea on shelf for you. You drink goat tea, way tea, golf tea, natalieblairntoo tea, avast ye may tea, hoit tea, toit tea, na tea, pout tea, snoo tea, froo tea, warrenbay tea, que tea, patoo tea, shakeyaboo tea, doo tea, yeah tea and fasola tea... but please, PLEASE you no drink the mons tea.

That am really big IF!

Here am monstee's response to IF type discussion thingy started on Kate's blog.

"If you were to have bells ring out loud automatically (for all to hear) every time you did a certain thing, what would it be?"

For me, it would be when me correctly guess question me no know answer too. You think about this. This be very handy. Let's say... you no can find you keys. You ask, where am me keys? Then you say:
"They locked in car?" .....
"They in coat pocket?" .....
"Me drop them in old moldy box of porn?" {ding ding ding ding ding}
Then you know where keys am and you go get them! This so handy!!!

But me guess this have draw back too... Say you getting nagged at by wife, girlfriend, female boss, whatever... and you say smiting stupid like, "What am you problem? Am it that time of month?" {ding ding ding ding ding} At least then you know you better start running!!! Unless you get where you rely on bells too much and say "Should me run?" {ding ding ding ding ding} By that time you already getting hit!

As for me question... it also come from book "If...123"
"if you could be on the cover of any magazine next month, which magazine would you want it to be, and what would the caption say?"
Me answer: Fortune magazine! Caption: "Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn!"

Choosy Monsters Choose...

OK, so Kate leave this hanging round her blog...
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Either leave your answers or a link to your webpage with your responses.

Would you rather:
1. your ears be bleeding OR your eyes?
2. smell like vanilla cake frosting OR fresh-cut lime wedges?
3. get comments on your hair OR your smile?
4. have an addiction to coffee OR an addiction to bubble gum?

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Now me sometimes have problem answer thingys like this and you see why it upset Monstee so much...

1. ...your ears be bleeding OR your eyes?
Me pick ears, but only because it mean that then me HAVE ears! This question am ANTI-MONSTITE! You no know how questions like this am for me people! Look, look... Which you rather get cut off in car accident, toes or antenna? SEE!! See how it feel!!!

2. ...smell like vanilla cake frosting OR fresh-cut lime wedges?
Vanilla cake frosting OR fresh-cut lime wedges? Am that frosting on vanilla cake or vanilla frosting ON cake?? AND WHAT DIFFERENCE AM IT IF IT WEDGES?!?! Never have Monstee noticed wedgy undertone to fresh-cut lime sent! [sigh] Me go with limes... But me want it on record that me prefer lime RINGS smell to wedges.

3. ...get comments on your hair OR your smile?
[shaking hard trying not to explode] THAT DEPEND ON COMMENT!!!! Look, look... "Gee, your hair smells terrific!" vs. "Dude, your fang are creeping me out." am TOTALLY different than "Nice hair, find any spiders in it?" vs. "Oooo, I love your pearly whites!" ARGGGH! "Blue" and "Long" am both comments about me hair and teeth, but me no prefer either!!! If you talking abut complements then SAY complements!!!! Great, now me bleeding from me eyes... ok, me pick smile.

4. ...have an addiction to coffee OR an addiction to bubble gum?
Now this am a good question. It am straight forward and to point and am something me know about... Addiction! Monstee am heavy smoker. Me go through 1 1/2 to 2 lighters a day. For this me want bubble gum, but me want coffee flavored bubble gum! Me love coffee too, but me not addicted. Me going to drink some now.

mmmMMMmmmmcoffee.

That so good, me drink another pot.

MMMMmmmmMMMMMcoffee.

Thatwas goodtoo. Megonna drink anotherpotnow.

MmMmMmMmMmMmMmMcOfFeE!

Melovecoffeesomuchthatmenotknowwhatmedoifmenogetmecoffeethatkeepmonsteegoing.
Ohyeahmealsosometimeslikeflavoredcoffeelikethisherethatamsomeflavorlikemapleortreesquirrel orsomethinganditamsoundingsogoodrightnowthatmethinkmewilljusteatitstraightandnotbotherbrewitupinpot!

mmmmmcofygrnds!

mntknwwhymlkcffsmchbtmnwthkmgnnatmrcfgrnds!

mmm!


{beep}

Monstee meets a NEW person

Me just realized that with all that am going on with me new "at cave" business (see last post), me forget to make fun of.... er, say HI to new and latest commentee in Monstee's cave!

haiku_girl

And me want to take opportunity to welcome her as first person to comment in Monstee's new cave without Monstee first commenting in they blog first. So, not to show off me skill with word or anything, me will greet nice person in style they name seem to imply they like. Here am little nothing in style of 7-5-7...

Can me help you with something
Welcome haiku_girl
Monstee's Discount Cave Of Porn!

Stock Monstee?

WHAT AM GOING ON?!?!

Me was just Googling and me find THIS! (BTW: Google look NOTHING like Monstee's eyes! Why they always saying that?)

What am this all about? Who put Monstee's shiny new squeaky clean cave on market? What am all this about market shares? Me no want to share cave? Why am it there? And why am nobody buying?!?!?!

No! Monstee no stand for this! Monstee get to bottom of this faster than... than...
ARRRGH! Monstee am so upset he no come up with good analogy! You finish for youself! (Me suggest you think J.Lo. or something.)

GAAAH! AngryGrrFace am there... and she am worth MORE than Monstee!!! What she got that Monstee no got? Oh yeah.... boobs.

NO! Monstee no get property values lowered by sweater properly filled out by perky young 19 year old nubile...

YAAAAAH! Smacky am worth more than both us!!! Am he got boobs TOO??? They must be bigger than Lau...

Kate? Kate? Et 2 KaTee? WHY??? Why am Monstee not worth as much as others?

:::Gasp:::
Me bet it am old moldy box of porn! Me go throw it out! Nobody on internet want to see bunch of...

:::Bing!:::
[picture lightbulb above Monstee's head]

FRAMES!!!
MONSTEE NEED FRAMES!!!

See Ya in the Funny Papers!

Yeah, yeah, yeah... Me know.
Monstee been posting nothing but come backs to comments in other blogs lately.

GIVE ME BREAK!

Me am not machine! Me am Monstee. Me have been spending time going through archives of other bloggers getting up to date on lifestyles of blogged and online, so me not really thinking of new witty type postings. Me am neglecting cave, but am learning lots about really cool peoples.

mmmMMMMmmmmlady fingers.

But me want to comment about recent comments on Kate's blog by Smacky.
It am true that Family Circus DO have more than one panel. If you dig long enough in internet, you find what you looking for. Here am example. Me no like Family Circus. That probably because they no like Monstee. Me tell you, you can eat golf balls you whole life and they never call you a "Golf Eater", but try to eat ONE baby...
So now when Monstee walk by they house, they just scream and run. Things am so much better at other comics.Like time me get job in big uncaring faceless evil conglomerate corporate world and go work for funny little dog. To bad it not work out. Monstee give him fleas.

Monstee Gets On Bandwagon (and back to the scrapbook)

OK ok ok, me get it. We am all playing April fool jokes on selves. So now Monstee have him turn. Me not know if you all notice what Monstee notice, but lot of bloggers am taking time out to share personal and embarrassing things bout selves. Now this am all well and good and am usually good laugh and Monstee end up feeling closer to blogger for knowing such things... but when me come back to cave, Monstee feel like wimp for not stepping up plate and doing same. Me am Monstee! Me am no wimp. Me have done lots of things over years me am not proud of. Now Monstee have been reading lots of blogs that recently been airing dirty laundry type things and sharing embarrassment with world (wide web) so Monstee first make mention on few and do same.

So many bloggers am posting embarrassing pictures they am too many to mention.

Now Kate and Smacky do lists of personal things... Monstee already post list comment for Kate, so me no do that here.

Lauren and Sara read from diary... NO! Journal... NO! Diary... it am diary... but Monstee no write about himself in diary... others write about Monstee.

So now Monstee go back to scrapbook and pull out news clipping from secret page and show you all him most embarrassing moment. All me ask am you try be kind and remember we all do stupid things in past.

Click to inlarge

Monstee goes public and risks his life to talk to Kate

In recent comments about lists of smell, Kate had to go mention THEM.
Oh Kate! (putting head in paws)

Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate. Why you have go mention THEM?
Me know, me know... you not know what you asking... but you did ask. Now me could make up big lie and try blow smoke up you skirt and give some witty type smartass remark, but that what got Monstee in trouble last time. No, me not going to make that mistake again. Me like new cave. Me not want move again. If me can no get around people asking Monstee about THEM, then me just going to have to tell all and hope it am enough to keep Monstee from disappearing. You see, Monstee know too much. Monstee know so much that me get little message from THEM. They say that if Monstee tell what he know then they might loose jobs and they might need find new street to live on. They say they no want to move and no like new street that happen to be named "Kill Monstee" street. Now Monstee no want anybody go live on "Kill Monstee" street. So he stop telling what he know, pack up him things and move. When me make new start me thought it better to just say they no real and avoid whole matter altogether. But NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Kate have to go and sir up big mess all over again, get Monstee's tiny little inner voice squeaking at him again.(me call him squeaky) And me am no going to move either! If you think me am going to pack up old moldy box of porn you am crazy! So me guess me need tell you what me know, but me will NOT be using names. Well first, me get in trouble last time for outing two of them on internet. Hey, not that there am anything wrong with that. Me was just pointing out that here am two guys that have been living together for 36 years now and sleeping in matching twin beds in same bedroom. Me no want to get them kicked off they show or anything. Me just think they should be proud and allowed to march in parade now and again if they want. They good guys! They clean, neat, good cook, smell like soap! Good guys! Not like that other one. That one am the one that give me all grief. Me am Monstee! Me am big, hairy, blue, kookie monster. He am nothing like me! He am not big. He am not hairy. He not have curtains that match drapes, if you know what me mean. He not even start in on that cookie thing until me start calling Monstee Kookie Monster. He am second place wannabe, no original, no new idea, gotta steal ideas from others, hack! He am bottle blue! That am right! He am bottle blue! And how you understand what he say am mystery to me. He am no good at talking. Him did try get on internet, when he hear ME doing well and good here. But he am so lame and out of date that it am laughable. HAHA, HAHAHA. Still, internet am better way to chat him because he smell bad! He always smell of whatever he eat in last 7 days, fungus, mold and sex funk. Now that little one am not so little. He may act like little baby, but he am actually 24. He like to play like he am a baby, but he am really like one of them "adult" babies, if you know what me mean. He am mean too. Mean and VERY anti America. He say when time is rite he get little children to turn against parents in new regime. Till then, he wait, and play the baby. He no smell like baby, he smell like B.O. and burning flag. Now that skinny blue one am not as dumb as he let on. He plot and scheme and all time act like he am bumbling doof. Monstee had to dig a bit and sneak into him personal computer account with CTW, and guess what me find. Me find him have plans for world domination. Is seem that Osama DID have weapons of mass destruction. He have little red one hide them for him and little red one sell weapons to skinny blue one. You be ready! He am making plans! Me did download one of TV ads him am planning to air when he am ready. He am freaky! He always spending free time in lab. He smell like rubbing alcohol and formaldehyde.
Me think it am important to mention that they not always be so evil and bad. They was always kept on short leash by they leader, the green one. Him was ok. Him have bit of power and control problem, but he have plenty of underlings to take it out on. That was long ago. Since death of Kurt Cobain, the green one have not been much good no nothing. Him am only coherent few hours of day and work need him for that, rest of time him am in state of "self medication". It am shame. He smell like pond water and vomit.

So now you know. Me hope you keep this info close to heart and remember, if anything "sudden" happen to Monstee, it was THEM!

Monstee gets his tongue pierced

OO! OO! Here a recent one! Me not do this too long ago.
Me was on bar tour with Jaeger girls. We going from college to college and me guess me have little too much drink one night. So what you going do? What else college kid type into these days? Me get pierced and tattooed. But they no take. Me end up eating stud they put in tongue and ink no show up on monstee's hide. Oh well, me still have me pictures. Here am one of me and friend in Riverton, WY.

She am good kid. Really cute and funny.
But me no think she remember me... she drunk out of head at time.




YOU GO SEE HER BLOG HERE!

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