Look what Me dragged in!

We got new kitty crawling around cave thies days.

Although he am still a kitten, he am 9 1/2 feet tall and have head that am about 3 feet across. He have claws that can puncture gas tanks and eyes that set things on fire. He am pretty good natured most days and LOVES to have his head rubbed. But if he ever run at you sidewasy that am deamoncatspeak for "You am about to loose limb."

His name am

But we all call him Scruffy.


OH! And to person who find cave by serching for "new duncan imperials - oh my god we re lyrics" me found some for Haze Mix and put them in Back of Cave.

Later kids!

Monstee Pops & Toons!

If you am reading this RIGHT NOW... then you must be me! Cause right now me am writing this and me always read what me write. So if me no mind, me would like to take a second and say "Hi Monstee! How me doing?"

NO! Me will no distract me from getting out post the am long over due and making Monstee mad for not working out.

In case you am blind, me will now describe what you may have missed at top of this post. It am big pulsating rainbow colored ever changing POP! If you am deaf, you have missed nothing. POP make no sound on itself. If you am not psychic, them me will tell you what it am for right now. It am to POP.

If you have no popup blocker then you already know that it generates popup window for our newest subsidiary of Monstee Inc. If you have popup blocker then you don't. Me guess that you could click on pop and get popup window... but probably not. Not because you am fist person in history of internet to WANT to get popup window... but because me think that clicking on it am still blocked by popup blockers. It am shitty generator. Me guess me just not into this whole "tecnose" stuff to do popup thingy right first time. That why me not been posting so much lately. Me trying to get stupid think to work. Oh well, at least me still have Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn (p.p.) and the new thing me not ever post about.

HAHA!! You clicked it!! Me made you click it!! Now you see the popup window!!! HAHAHA!!! Wait, no? You no click? Oh... OK. Guess you not gonna know all about pops of a king.

HAHA!!

But things am working over at the Blunt Cogs site. Like the new button! Like the new button? Me am the only one in the WORLD to have one cause me make it meself. Me was thinking about offering it to them over there... but then thought no. If anyone want it just email me and me send you code for it, that way me know who am visiting cave and who am not. If few people want it... then me put it up over there. We see. For those of you who not care to visit Blunt Cogs or want to know what it am all about before you go.. look at this!! Yup, that me. Me am imortalized in 3 panel format. How cool am that? No, really?

New Year, New People, Nuisance

Well that baby with diaper and sash around him neck am about here and just in time too because me like to put the hurt on that old man with diaper and sash around him neck! 2005 was not very good year for you friend Monstee. Oh sure, the food was good. Music, TV and the movies seemed to be improving. Booze seemed to flow like it had been bottled up somewhere. There were plenty of women and the sex just keeps getting better and more interesting every single week! But in 2005 me stopped smoking and me am still little pissed off bout that! Me liked smoking! It make Monstee look cool! It make me feel manly. Now it gone and what me got? Just outstanding good looks and enormous genitals. Me guess that will have to be enough.

For those of you who not know, it am well into festive time for me people and me want to take this little break from Monstashona and wish you all happy holidays of you own. Be it belated Christmas, belated birthday, belated chanukah, belated kwanza, belated Hanukkah, belated trash day, belated anniversary, belated voodoo day, belated fishstick day, belated Independence Day (Slovenia), belated Junkanoo, belated Admission Day, belated Saint Thomas of Canterbury Feast Day, belated Tick Tock Day, belated No Interruptions Day,belated Bo Diddley's Birthday, belated Leap Second Adjustment day, belated Make Up Your Mind Day, belated Cathode-Ray Tube Day, belated Winter Solstice, belated Crossword Puzzle Day, belated Forefather's Day, belated Humbug Day, belated Phileas Fogg Wins a Wager Day or whatever day you and the horse you rode in on chooses to celebrate... Me hope that whatever jolly fat pagan has you number, he/she/it sends you everything you want and half of what you truly deserve! And as you gather with you family round that tall aluminum pole, air you grievance's and perform you feats of strength, remember that no matter how great the gift/black eye/mixed drink or whatever that we get from our friends/family am... it in no way compares to the warm, comforted,completely fulfilled feeling we get when we go out of our way to have sex with big blue hairy monsters...or just give him cash if we am a guy.

And speaking of guys, me would like to take what little time me have now while family clears away feasting things and brings in drinking things to give formal greetings to new people visiting cave and NOT HANGING OUT LIKE BUNCH OF LURKERS!!

First am Sol at Hall of the Slain. Now it am true that the hall am a little thin right now, but that just because it so new. If you got there you can no help but notice new blog smell. But Sol MORE that make up for him blogging frequency being somewhere between... oh, say me and old rotten tree stump by commenting. You can no look for bugs under dead cat without finding comment by Sol. Hi Sol! Me am Monstee! Nice of you come by and comment. Me like that.

Same with ScarletSphinx at My tender prison. Hey SS! Nice you come by and comment instead of soak up all cavey goodness and NO GIVE BACK LIKE NO GOOD LOUSY LURKER!!! Like Sol, SS have what appear to be brand new blog that seem to be well under way. Good luck to both you two! You going to need it if keep coming round here....(hehehehehe)

Next are people who suck. No, not lurkers. People who comment at cave and STILL suck. Why they suck? Me not sure how answer that cause me not sure what they up to. Me not going to give they links cause when me try them me get page saying account am canceled and then me computer start doing strange things and me got to restart. Lucky me have Macinrock and nothing damaged or infected, but still since they all have addresses so similar (www.some letter two digit number some other letter.com/ ~first name ~second name) that me believe they all in this together. They also only comment to Monstee's older posts and then comments with strange things like when me rant on stupid things they say "Thanks!" What the hell am that? What the hell am going on? Me not know and me not like it so Wallace Skovira, Merrill Catchings & Rolando Durall... You all suck! Unless you prove to Monstee that you real people and not trying to fish or infect computers, me NEVER going to welcome you to cave and NEVER going to give you hard time and see if you can take it and come back to play!

Speaking of heatherfeather at Love me, love my caribou, she am only one who DARE to take Monstee challenge in me Popularity Contest! True, me no really go to trouble of actually checking her work to see if she do it all right... BUT WHY ME HAVE TOO? SHE ONLY ONE WHO DO IT! Hi heatherfeather, welcome to cave! Me have been to her blog before and me not real sure how me got there. All me know is she am real nice person even if she post stuff about THEM. Her blog am REAL clean and have smell of fresh yarn, bleach and dog hair.

mmmMMMMMMmmmmuseddoggysweater....

NO! You no distract Monstee with talk of warm fuzzy treats! Heatherfeather am only one who take challenge so she win! Now she am most popular girl in cave! (sorry Adrianne Barbeau, you had 13 days.) Now me get posting from Heatherfeather asking what she win. What she win? Well, truth am me never expect anybody win. Let me see what we got around here...
:::BUMP::CRASH::SMASH::CREEK::SLAM::drip drip drip::SMASH::CRASH::
Here we go! You win this! One genuine stuffed animal thingy guaranteed NOT be possessed by Satan or any of hims minions as long as you no look at it, talk to it, touch it, listen to it, smell it, or interact with it in any way. And for God's sake... DON'T CLICK ON IT.
(everybody else shutup!)
BUT WAIT! Heatherfeather you're today's big winner! You can either keep what you have... or trade it for what am in the moldy box of porn!
Everybody:oooooOOOOOOOOOooooooooo AAAAAAHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh......
Take you time heatherfeather, we be right back with you right after word from our sponsor.

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How many times have this happen to you?
You trolling on web looking at new blogs when you run across person who only give profile picture of part of they face. How you supposed to know what they look like? How you know if you can trust them? How you know if the two faced or not?
Well now you know, thanks to the help of Monstee Inc.'s new...
Profile Facial Extrapolator!
Yes Monstee Inc. the company that brought you Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn! (p.p.) and Monsteespeak Translator 1.0 now brings you,
the Profile Facial Extrapolator!
Simply place the picture above the buttons provided and you instantly have access to over three kinds of extrapolation! Just listen to these people!
"This outta be right." - one of our programmers
"That's ME!" - Tyra Banks
"She's HOT!" - guy on the street
"I'm suing." - Tyra Banks
But enough about them! The Profile Facial Extrapolator is perfect for parties, family gatherings, late night alone typing one handed, or just trying to find a way to end a really really long posting!
Get youself a mirror and watch yourself using it right NOW!

The Profile Facial Extrapolator by Monstee Inc.
Ask for it by name!

Strange Things Afoot in the Mouth of the Cave!

Why? Why ME?!? Why do things like this keep happening to me??!!??!!?

Well, by now me guess that you notice things am little strange round here now. Me have to say, me no like it. If you no notice, then you must have you sound turned down. If you no have sound on you computer, then you am out of date freak who am living on desert island with string and tin cans for you dial up and bunch of monkeys plugging into banana tree for you server. It ok, me am just figment of you imagination. You can skip all me ranting and raving in THIS post and just go boil you other shoe for brunch. But remember, salt am salt but sand am NOT pepper! mmMMMMmmmshoebrunch...

NO! You no distract Monstee with talk of leather snack/meal in nice location while screaching wild life fling poo at you while eating!!! Me am Monstee! Me am in VERY bad mood! Things am not going well in cave and you am just visiting... ME have to live here!!!

"But Monstee... what am going on here?" you ask? Me make big mistake and have accadent and now... THIS! Why? Why me have to go an try to play internet god? Why? Me know why... Because me am. NO! It am those LURKERS... That am why cave am now like is am, the lurkers....

You see, me have been working on way to find out who the lurkers am, and humiliate er... Include them in fun, but up till now me have been having problem with Monstee's Lurker detector. What me wanted was way to access computer of lurker and turn they screen into camera! Then me take picture of them and post it showing them and saying... oh, nice and friendly things about then. Good Idea huh? BUT NOOOOooooOOO!!! Me had to go and spill jar of liquid reference extractor into backmasking reverse engineering housing and then telepathic thought detector circuits fuse in new and strange way that begin causing feedback impulses that begin looping over and over and voyeur and favor andy Volvo DNA rover and ME CAN NO STOP IT!!!

:::pant:::pant:::pant:::

In simple human term that even island bob no soundcard can understand am this. We am all being subjected to thoughts and feelings of all visitors to Monstee's Cave... but those thoughts and feelings am being interpreted and expressed through bizarre and obscure TV and Movie references. OKOKOKOK!!! YES!!! Me do most of me scientific stuff on top of old pile of old TV guides!!! You wanna make something of it??? Where were you last time you accidentally created artificial intelligence??? Hmmmm??? Me was in bathroom trying to make improved electric toothbrush!!! Was it smart??? Yes! Was it better toothbrush??? NO! It was evil! Did me not mention me ONLY HAVE SEVEN TEETH!!!!

This am last straw!!! Me am going to get them Lurkers if it last thing me do!!!!

Me have totally awesome set of tools

What? Monstee am posting more than once a week? Yeah, yeah, yeah... screw!

This post am in response to recent IM me get from lurker who wish to remain nameless. They say that they like visit Monstee's cave to look at funny pictures Monstee change. Me just want to respond thusly:

ME NEVER CHANGE PICTURE IN ME LIFE!!!

It am true! Me no CHANGE pictures, me analyze them. There am big difference. When you change pic you make it look different than it did by adding new stuff like cars, taking out stuff you no want like ugly people and changing the look of what am there like airbrushing boobies. What am left an what you want, but it am changed. Me NEVER do that. Me have really good set analysis tools that let Monstee look over pic file (inside and out) and whatever me find when me analyze, me can bring out. It am nothing new and me not take nothing away! Me just showing what am already there, but hidden by other stuff in file and using THAT stuff to hide what am already obvious. Not a change, just an analysis. You want proof? Ok.....

Here me am giving you access to 3 of Monstee's old pic tools. You no pay for nothing so me not giving you ability to save pics you analyze. First we need pic. Let's take one from.... oh, lets say Kate. We not picking on Kate, we just using pic of Kate's friend from Kate's blog.

1. Emotion Tool: This am really cool tool that bring out hidden emotions of people you have in pics. Most people never realize how much data digital camera pick up when you use it. It get all kinds of stuff that you never see unless you analyze pic with tool like this. Press button, and move tool around. You see!

2. Fluid Tool: You ever see that light they use to show spots and stains from "bodily fluids"? This am same thing. You eyes no see it, but it there and camera pick it up. This tool make it possible to see it. Press button and you get tool. Turn light on tool on with little yellow button and move tool around and you see.

3. Wackamole Tool: With this tool you analyze.... um.... well.... Ok, me not know what you analyze with this tool (it come bundled with bunch of others). But it do use hammer and pump to bring out hidden wackamole traits in subjects.

full scale version

NOW you see what me mean? Pics on me blog NOT EVER BEEN changed!

Me think me prove me point.

Busted!

Well what you know... Fresh Meat! Yes now is time when me am posting bout person me have never posted about but many of you know or know about or know of or not know you know you know... you know?

Anyway, you no let me get ahead of meself. For some time now me have had little voice whispering in back of head. Well... ok, me almost always have little voice whispering in back of head, but this one am different and have something important to say. Before you ask what it say, let me tell you me not sure what it say. It just say that something not right. Then me find it!

Me was looking round at some of me cheaper, older, downloaded computer games and me find one that me was hooked on some time ago. What do that have to do with little voice? Little voice say that game am key and where have me seen old game lately?

BING! ::Lightbulb:: Me remember and little voice confirm. It am on Kate's blog sight in posting about... well me not sure what posting about... BUT HERE IT AM!

Before you get started, NO this am not another pick on Kate posting and YES me am aware me just did Kate in last posting... but Kate did post in her post a picture by Carrie that supposed to be "Carrie's Artwork".

For those of you who no know, Carrie am Stargazer, good friend of Kate, recent Donkey type puzzle partner to yours monstee and fresh meat for jest and ridicule for me am outing her!!! Yes, me am outing her big fat LIE here! Me not so sure where lie am but me know it am here! How me know? Because Carrie's picture look exactly like old, cheapy type downloaded computer game from the 70's! Now how can that be?
Did Carrie make artwork for game before she am born? Did Carrie COPY artwork from old game and try passing it off as her own? NoooOOOOooo....

Carrie am really telling lie about her age and she really 40 year old down on luck computer programmer who program game with her artwork and many years ago started fooling Kate into thinking they close to same age when she go through high school all over again for some sort witness relocation program because she turn in big mob type people in bug mob type computer game swindle that go bad and she turn states evidence!!! HA HA Miss Stargazer girl! Me have figured you out! And now me show me poof and everybody know truth! HA HA, HA HA!

Public Service Announcement

Cute and fuzzy am not always good! Evil come in many forms and sometimes it fool you the most when it come in form of thing you think can no be evil in not no way, not no how! You think about this. Say you am evil. What you want to do? You want to go out and get job that challenge you and keep you happy, make little bit of money so you put it away and feel safe when you find other evil half and settle down and start making little evilings? NO! Evil am only happy when it am making other people feeling what they no want to feel! You think evil want to hang out in old haunted house, waiting for midnight so it jump out and scare teenagers who sneak in there makeout? That not evil, that stupid. If ghosts and ghouls who haunt them houses am smart, they keep quiet and then they at least get to watch teenagers makeout, because lord know them aint gettin any! No, evil want to get in you house. Evil want you to love it and hold it and hug it and squeeze it and you can name it George! Then, when you am feeling all snug and toasty it grow it's teeth and spin it's head and spit blood at you and try to eat you sole! That what me said, sole! This type of evil have thing for feet. Have you seen one these? Oh, it look cute, it look fuzzy, it look nice to hold and hug and squeeze, but it am possessed by EVIL! Look at it. LOOK AT IT! It am just waiting for right time to eat you feet. But now you know. Bad part is, now it know you know. Now it no longer need to hide because you am no longer going to let it in you house. Bad part am, it am already in you house. YES IT AM! This cute and fuzzy thing am sooooo evil that even picture of it am evil and if you am reading this then evil am already there! You no believe me? Poke it! You hear me. POKE IT WITH YOU MOUSE! You see what me mean. BUT... Whatever you do.... Never... NEVER... Click on evil thing like that. Why? Well... It am very ticklish and just plain creepy to hear laugh.

This Public Service Announcement brought to you by Monstee Inc.
Proud distributors of Monsteespeak Translator 1.0 and
Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn (p.p.)

Monstee helps the masses

New from Monstee Inc.
Be the first on you block to speak like Monstee! You heard me right, speak like Monstee! For months now me have been getting emails from people saying things like...
"Are you for real?"
"...like, what's the deal?"
"...so, please stop commenting on my blog."
"Holy [explative deleted here]! Who are you? Please email me!"
"...so we have to keep our affair a complete secrete! Paul would NEVER understand my monster fetish..."
"...I SAID, STOP COMMENTING ON MY BLOG!"
"Do you always talk like that?"
"...i laughed till i plotzed!"
"Worst grammar ever!"
"Hi. U, who are you?"
"DO I HAVE TO CONTACT BLOGGER AND REPORT YOU?!?!"
"...Let's go chase pigeons!"
"WTF! Dude, you're messed up!"
"You have been blocked from further comments on this blog."

Yes, everyone love Monstee & everyone want to talk like him. NOW YOU CAN!
With Monsteespeak Translator 1.0!

Yes Monstee Inc. (the company that bring you Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn! (p.p.)) now bring you Monsteespeak Translator 1.0!

With Monsteespeak Translator 1.0 you simply type or paste you posts, letters, emails, homework, poetry or whatever you want into the provided field and press a button! ZAP! Now you words have been converted into Monsteespeak! Sample text have been provided for those of you who no know what to type and have little imagination.

Monsteespeak Translator 1.0 am free to all members of Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn (p.p.) Please report all bugs to Monstee for further development.

Monstee wants a Makeover

Monstee gets a Banker (that explains the banner ad)

You know, It am weird how things work out sometimes. If you know Monstee, then you know that many things have been changing in him life recently. One of which am this new cave site blog thingy. Me hope be out of escrow soon, but that no stop me from making self at home and getting know new neighbors, trolling round new patch of info highway and keeping mind off Monstee's money troubles. So me was doing that recently and good friend say me should go see kool and funny site. Me go and laugh and laugh! It very good site. Me start lurking round archives and find funny post about monster type banner ad. Sarah say she chat with ad guys and she want Vampire ad. If you want vampire ad you no go to ad guys, you go to vampire. So me call good friend Vlad. Me in luck because him have bother in-law that am banker! It all work out! Monstee get help with him money problems and him know all about best vampire banner ad. Monstee promise put ad on blog for while so it lower amount of blood money Monstee have to pay each month. You feel free to click on ad, it no go nowhere. Me promise to show ad, not link it to anything! That make Vampire SO sick! You click it, you see what me mean.