3 more things

A) Can you believe it? It took over year to do but we got our first help out on The Bear Story!!! This am unbelievable!! Help am old friend and newest cave dweller DNA Vibrator. Me & DNA go way back to commune me use to live in in old college town. Them was back in the 80's and me wish me was going to collage at THAT time. But oh well, me was still there to see the young kids rise and fall in they greatness. DNA V just starting him own blog. You all be nice now, he newbie at all this. Him blog have some good tweaking to do, but he already posting some good music from after days when Monstee move on and give up bohemian lifestyle and move into life of big city corporate day monster. Anyway, DNA V am one of them renaissance avatars that got paws... er... energy tentacles into little bit of everything. And we am LUCKY that writing am one of them. There am NO dust on The Bear Story now kids! Who gonna be next to pick up the gauntlet? If me get one more... then me will do one.

2) Me recently got some email from person who remain nameless asking if it be alright if they put link to cave on they blog site. NO, it not DNA Vibrator, it... Well, you not need to know who it am. Point am, they was nice enough to ask cause they got impression that some people find they humor offensive. First me thought is so nice of them to ask... then me think, what me care what other people think of you blog? Why you wasting me time with this lady... er man... er... ladyman? Yeah! You wanna link, linky! What me gonna do? Tell people you offensive? You know they already KNOW that!! And what? ME am type of monster that not want me cave linked on that kind of site? ME no care! Me tell them to link away! Everyone, if you want link away! Sure, me think they am offensive too, but that no reason not to get link out of it. Me tell them that too! Me say them am offensive, rude, crude, sarcastic, bit sadistic, and me firmly believe you am single handedly setting parenthood back to some time before dark ages!! Very fact that they ask me to be associated with people like them seem to imply that maybe they assume me am or might be somewhat sympathetic, understanding or actually ENJOY so called "witticisms" and "humorous writings" they pollute Internet with. Me do. Very much. But because they seem to have bad press already, me not going to say who them am. Me just going to say that it anyone want to link to me, go ahead. Let me know and me just might link back to you too. Me told this person me would. ...in completely unrelated issue along same theme, please note me have two new links in me link list. DNA Vibrator and Fat Sparrow

d) In comments of me most recent posting at Blunt Cogs, SafeTinspector comment and ask...

12:08 AM, September 19, 2006, SafeTinspector said...
Monstee, how the fuck do you do this shit on your 486DX over a dial-up AOL connection?!?

Me just want to say... 486DX? ME WISH!!
Me DREAM at night of what me could do with 486DX. Me had to build me own math coprocessor out of leaves used gum and smiting me coughed up after licking contest at Mexican restaurant on tequila night! Me not sure you all understand. Me mouse am REAL MOUSE!! No get me wrong, me no torcher poor little mouse. It dead when me get it. Me just one who put little ball in its guts and attach tail to extender and connect to system. It not called Macnrock for nothing. It am big hollow rock with shit in side of it! When me say me am using stone knives and bearskins... me am literally using stone knives and bearskins!! How do me do it??? HOW??

Me am
Monstee!

3 things

First off: To everyone who have been emailing and IMing me about me current state of technological impairedness, me would like to thank you all for you concerns, but me do know what me am doing. After all, me am Monstee. There am reasons why me am running such old, dilapidated and possibly haunted software. Biggest reason am because of me old, dilapidated and possibly haunted computer. Another may be complete lack of money me currently am holding for a friend. While me have that, it am hard to update me hardware so it can accommodate any new and shiny and fucking huge ass needing disk and RAM space to run software. Until me can do something about it, me think me am doing pretty good with what me got, thank you very much, but until you am living in cave and logging on to internet using stone knives and bearskins please no be telling me what me should do to overcome some of me problems. Me probably have been down that path and you am just wasting our time.

Next: Me good friend SafeTinspector has inquired about one of me other side projects "The Bear Story." Me call it me side project cause it am project me am involved and it has link over there on side of blog. Me looked the whole thing over and realized it and the intire back of cave needed major overhauling. Me overhauled it and now me think it am more self explanatory. Feel free to help out, but if you no can be troubled to find link on right... here it am.

Lastly: Why the FUCK do me even try to use ANY of the "who links to me" type sites out there on the web? They no work! Me found out on me own that me was mentioned in posting by Fat Sparrow! Me would LIKED to have commented, BUT NO! Me didn't know about it and... Well, me was busy too. Footeater commented. He warn her that me am devil himself. (that's just cause he secretly fancies me.)
Anyway... It seem the Fat Sparrow have two year old that am currently in love with me. That not surprise me cause everyone who come to cave am in love with me... except for... you know who.
Anyway... as for me moving in with them, or little one being shipped here... we need to talk more about this first. Me am Monstee. Me need me dank. But FS, if you am ever about cave again and need to put little one to sleep like last time, feel free to sing him this song.

Me no usually post song lyrics at cave, but me know that me have people getting here looking for them so me got them and present them to be used instead of lullaby. If you am interested, these guys am linked under me MUSIC heading. Go to they site and buy them CD's. They am great!

The New Duncan Imperials
(Oh my God we're...):lyrics

Hey guys!

Did you ever get that urge to go out on a Tuesday night, when you know beers are cheap and everything's looking your way? So you head out to the corner bar and you have yourself a couple of beers cause their only fifty cents on Tuesdays even though it's Old Milwaukee you don't care because their cheap and their flowing. You're at the bar drinking and watching some MTV on the big screen behind the bar, watching all the latest fads of the day, when a girl at the end of the bar is sitting there drinking vodka cranberry gives you a little bit of an eye and then you drink yourself a couple more glasses of courage and give her the eye and go over there and maybe say "Hey, wanna dance?" She's like "OK." So she starts dancing with you to the new Modern English song 'I'll stop the world and melt with you' and your having the greatest time of your life cause she's dancing with you and she looks pretty darn good. After the song's over you head of to the bar and you drink yourself three more of those fifty cent beers and you feel even better. And she wants to dance some more to that new REM thing that's really happening now days. So you're out there dancing and you're moving and you're swinging and everything kinda happening but then it's two o'clock and the bar's about to close and you're like "Oh MAN!" So you go "Hey, you know I could drive you home. I know you live in Lincoln Park, but you know that's not too far from me, I live in Rogers Park and they're... not too far." And she's like "OK." So you take her over there and you find a place to park even and she's says "Why don't you come on up? I go cable." and you go on up. And you start watching the Discovery Channel where they're showing lots of elephants and giraffes and that makes you feel really sexy! And then all of a sudden it's like twenty minutes later and you're an inch from her face and you think to yourself...

Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
La De Da De, La De Da De, Da!

Hey girls!

You ever go to work out at the health club and... you know... kinda try to lose a few pounds off your ass because you thinking maybe it's looking a little big lately, and you're like working on that exorcise bike trying to slim down your butt, and you know, jumping up and down on that stair thing and doing a thigh thing and a calf thing and all the things you gotta do to make your things look that way you want them to look. So you're working for about an hour and a half just chuging away, working, moving, sweating, stinking and getting everything happening. And that's about enough you said "Hey! Hey hey, that's about enough." You head over to Chi-chi's and, you know, have yourself a tequila sunrise, maybe a couple of chips from the bar, whatever, salsa's always pretty good. So you're over at Chi-chi's and you're... drinking and... kinda sitting around... watching ESPN and watching people eat the natchos with the cheese sauce. And you decide 'Yeah, I'll have another drink. Sure.' "How about a tequila sunrise, sir?" and he gives you one and there's this bartender, he's a pretty hansom guy. He's... got stone wash blue jeans, a white shirt buttoned up all the way and his hair's kinda greasy and combed all the way to the right. Looks pretty good to you! So, yeah... you know, give him the eye and he gives you another drink and he doesn't even charge you for that one. And you're sitting at the bar, you've had three tequila sunrises, that's enough to make you kinda giggle a little, and you have one more while you're just like, all of a sudden, just real talkative and talking to Carl behind the bar, that's his name. And all of a sudden, you know, Chi-chi's is closed and Carl's like "Well, let me give you a ride home," and you're like "OK." So, Carl takes you in his car and gives you a ride home and... he... decides to come on up and sit on your couch with you. And all of a sudden, it's ten minutes later, Carl's a half inch from your face and you think to yourself...

Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
La De Da De, Da De Da De, Da!
Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fucking!
Oh my god we're fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
La Da Da Da, La Da Da Da, Da!

Oh my god...
Oh my god...
We were.... fucking.

Look what Me dragged in!

We got new kitty crawling around cave thies days.

Although he am still a kitten, he am 9 1/2 feet tall and have head that am about 3 feet across. He have claws that can puncture gas tanks and eyes that set things on fire. He am pretty good natured most days and LOVES to have his head rubbed. But if he ever run at you sidewasy that am deamoncatspeak for "You am about to loose limb."

His name am

But we all call him Scruffy.


OH! And to person who find cave by serching for "new duncan imperials - oh my god we re lyrics" me found some for Haze Mix and put them in Back of Cave.

Later kids!

Extended comment -or- One of me peeves!

What with me no posting so much recently and me getting all this hate mail and IMs BEGGING me to post more and me making Lauren sad and everything me would just start turning me REALLY FUCKING LONG comments into posting and we see where we go from there.

OK, so....

Me good friend Binty recently posted something about (among other stuff) the misuse of word IRONIC.

OOOOOO!!! Now this am really BIG pet peeve with me! Me hate it when people use, or try to use big words but no understand what they really mean. Oh sure, sometimes we get the point and understand what they trying to say, but fact am... they am wrong and saying something else!! Me use to hang out with people in high school who do this all the time!! It drive me nuts! Me just want to scream "Read a book for fucks sake!" If you no know that word means, don't use it! If you not sure what word means, LOOK IT UP! Irony am one of the worst for this. Tons of people think they know what it means an they don't. Irony am when the outcome of event or expression through the use or words am opposite or near opposite of what am expected. PLEASE, remember that before you use it!
When people use big words incorrectly, am just so... pedantic!

SEE? See what me did there? If you no know what pedantic mean, go look it up. We wait for you.



Tum dee dum dum...



**YAWN**


Doe dee doe, doe dee doe, doe dee...

OK? See? Pedantic am completely wrong word to use there right? And since me was bitching about that, you would expect me to know, right? That am Ironic! ...and sarcastic. ...and hypocritical. But you get point right? Don't it piss you off too?!?!

Anyway, me will leave you with this. When you read it you know why it come to me mind.
Few years ago me little hatchling come dancing out of her bedcave into main chamber wearing pair of ballet slippers, pink tights, tutu and tiara. She spend several minutes doing allegro and pirouettes and moving her arms from third to forth position as best she could for little child that never had a lesson. For that reason, she was best in her class. All the while she am humming what can only be described as "Swan Lake" hummed by someone that has never heard "Swan Lake". Soon she stop humming but keep dancing...
Hatchling: "Daddy, I know what I want to be when I grow up."
Me: "What am that, hunnybunch?"
Hatchling: "A veterinarian."

THAT am irony!

Ahoy New People - Find the secret hidden message and win a prize!

(Note to old people: Me not excluding you in title, just go with it an you see...)
((Note to them that took offence to being called old people: Fuck off! You know what me meant. Old as in you not new to cave like these other shmoes me talking to. Now shut up!))
(((Note to you gits who tool offence to being called shmoe: It just sounds bad! Really, it a good name. You WANT to be a shmoe! Really. Just keep reading.)))

Me am Monstee! This am me cave. Me live here, sleep here, dream here... and sometimes... fall in love here. Oh sure, it not much. Dark, dank, slimy, smells of beer, vomit and used ky-jelly, but it am home to me and you am welcome.

Recently in many of them other peoples blogs me read me have been coming across common topic of Blogging Addiction. This get me to thinking. Me in NO way think me am addicted to blogging, because me can stop whenever me want! Really!! It no big deal. Me just blog now and again cause me like it. It am nice to get comments back from people who read you blog, but me not do it for that. No, in fact me recently check me stats and me see that me tend to get over 1000 unique people a month logging on and checking out cave. Over 100 unique people a day! That pretty good numbers for me. Oh sure, those of you who am old time cavedwellers be standing up about now saying Hey Monstee! What you talking bout? Last year you was looking ways to get people to find you blog and check you out! You started Monstee's Discount Cave Of Porn!! (p.p.) just for that reason. Am you saying you over all that?

Yes. Me not doing this for readers anymore. Sure, me get the numbers now, from all over world... but they not staying. No, sad fact am that 70% of all me traffic through cave am here for less than 30 second. They not looking for Monstee, they looking for something else. Why, just take look at what they searching for when they get here!!!

Nude - This am the number one search that bring people here. OK, me do this. Hey, what good am having Monstee's Discont Cave Of Porn (p.p.) if you not mention word nude?

Suck Satan's Cock - Ok, me can see this. Me use Bill Hicks famous quote in post around here somewhere.

reese's commercial hey you got chocolate in my peanut butter hey you got peanut butter in my chocolate - Yeah, me did do rant on this some time ago...

eat jar peanut butter a day - What the? Interesting idea, but me not know why it get you here.

nude girls - Ok, more porn.

little willys songs - Me am at a total loss on this. Did me EVER talk about Little Wills or songs about them? NO! So why they fuck search engine bring people here?

yoplait yogurt commercial - Ok, yes, me did do rant on how this thing suck!! MAN IT SUCK!!!

young nude free - Yeah, more porn.

removing gaul bladder - When, WHEN me EVER talk abuot that? Don't you thinkg that this am the type of thing you would remember posting about?

kanaan gang - Me not event know what THAT am.

taste the rainbow enema gross - WHAT THE FUCK?

ingredients mr. pib - Now this am funny cause anyone who know me know... me a pepper.

parapism - Little known fact.... That me middle name.

duct taped and tied up men photos - OK NOW FUCK YOU GOOGLE!! NO!! ME KNOW FOR FACT THAT ME NEVER, NEVER EVER TALKED ABOUT ANYTHING LIKE THAT!!!

long schlongs - NO! Fuck no!! Stop it!!

satans cock images - Not here, but at lease me understand why link get made. Me talk about Satans cock, me have images... it make sense.

shortest chain saw made - This make NO sense!! For what you need somthng like this? Playing Leatherface with mice? Never fucking talked about it! Don't sell it! Why it bring people here?!?!

sexoholic disorder - Me have mentioned Sarah haven't me? Joke!! Me KID!! That what me do!! Me a funny guy! (she not gonna hit me am she?)

dumb stuff to do online - Did me talk about this? Oh, lord only knows.

felching rimjob - Ok. Yes. Them words did appear on list when me was doing my News In Literature post. But me bet anyone who come here from tht search am going to be little bit disapointed!

stop commenting on my blog - (sigh)

large girls - porn...

sploshing - Me don't know...

two snooker balls in a sock - OK, hold it!! Why? What am point? Me know it am reference to having big BALLS or something, but me no make it!!! That not even sound like me, do it? Me have balls so big they like two snooker balls in a sock! NO!

adrianne barbeau - Of all me exes, she am only one who brings in the searches. Thanks babe!

sex girl - porn

explain the odor of chrysanthemums - Fuck off and die!

were is black water cave - up you ass?

cough chunk pneumonia - As opposed to titter slice pneumonia.

enormous schlongs - God damn it.

girls sliming each other - Who... what.... why.... HUH?

monstee machine - This just make me wonder what they was looking for when they type this into search engine to begin with!

You see? That am the type of shit that MOST of me readers am looking for. Do me oblige them, no. Me not here for that. Me here to do what ME want. That's what blogging am for me.

Oh, and regarding that prize for finding secret hidden message in post. Me just trying to get you new people to hang out more than 30 seconds!! It's ALL total wank!! HAHAHA!! IT AM THE NUMBERS! That what it all about! Me get bigger numbers, me win!!! HAHAHA!!
ME AM MONSTEE!!

Monstee has never gotten VD!

It just make no sense to me. When me was little Monstee, we was made to make valentines for everyone in class. Then we was told that valentines day am for lovers or people who want to be lovers to write notes and give gifts. ME NO WANT TO BE LOVERS WITH TAFARI HOUSTON*!!! Me no want to be lovers with ANY of little boys in me class, so why me got to make valentines for them? So they not feel left out? TOUGH!! What am you pushing off on me young mind here teacher? Polyamery?!?!

As me get older, me look into history to try to make sense of strange holiday. It seem that their am stories about some old St. Valentine... but stories am varied and conflicting. Their may have been as many as 3. They was all martyrs. Cool. Hey baby, some old cardinal or priest or something went and got himself deaded bout thousand years ago. It was probably gross and everything. Wanna make out and sit by lake and watch birds and feed each other candy? Hello? We talking possibly beheading and maybe disemboweling! That not make you all romantic? OH! So sorry, me was trying to reach you roommate. Am she there? Hey baby... what me said earlier. What? You know who this am. Wanna be me dead priest? Me said you KNOW who this am! It am you valentine! NO ITS NOT BLAIN**!!

And the gifts!!! Cards with hearts on them. Boxes in shape of hearts with candy in them. Little bears holding hearts. Pillow shaped like hearts with sayings on them. Everywhere you look, hearts, hearts, hearts! They all fake!! FAKE!! You ever try giving real heart for valentines day? It real buzz kill let me tell you!! If nobody want real bit bloody heart on valentines day, why they go and have all the fake ones around all over place?!?!

Best valentines day me ever have me spend alone after me piss off me current girlfriend*** at time. Me had wanted to do something special so me look in phone book to get her big valentine. Me as thinking big! Me was thinking chocolate! Me was thinking adult. Me find place that say me could get really big adult cake surprise thingy for some low rate per hour. Me was a little confused but if it came with chocolate inside then me would take it. They say it could and the "chocolate" would even "love" me girlfriend as much as me wanted for little more money. Me not know why they use quotes when they talk but me make plans to have cake delivered. It not go as planed. When me girl see big cake with its read heart pinned to side of cake and trap door on top and music playing from inside, she go ballistic and storm out, leaving ME to eat entire cake by meself. It not best cake me ever have. It not very sweet, kinda cardboardy. But the middle was fresh, juicy, meaty and kinda screamy! But again me got screwed cause me taste NO chocolate at all!!!

Me hate VD.


*Boy me go to little school with.
**Boy me go to little school with.
***Girl me go to High school with.

Monstee Pops & Toons!

If you am reading this RIGHT NOW... then you must be me! Cause right now me am writing this and me always read what me write. So if me no mind, me would like to take a second and say "Hi Monstee! How me doing?"

NO! Me will no distract me from getting out post the am long over due and making Monstee mad for not working out.

In case you am blind, me will now describe what you may have missed at top of this post. It am big pulsating rainbow colored ever changing POP! If you am deaf, you have missed nothing. POP make no sound on itself. If you am not psychic, them me will tell you what it am for right now. It am to POP.

If you have no popup blocker then you already know that it generates popup window for our newest subsidiary of Monstee Inc. If you have popup blocker then you don't. Me guess that you could click on pop and get popup window... but probably not. Not because you am fist person in history of internet to WANT to get popup window... but because me think that clicking on it am still blocked by popup blockers. It am shitty generator. Me guess me just not into this whole "tecnose" stuff to do popup thingy right first time. That why me not been posting so much lately. Me trying to get stupid think to work. Oh well, at least me still have Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn (p.p.) and the new thing me not ever post about.

HAHA!! You clicked it!! Me made you click it!! Now you see the popup window!!! HAHAHA!!! Wait, no? You no click? Oh... OK. Guess you not gonna know all about pops of a king.

HAHA!!

But things am working over at the Blunt Cogs site. Like the new button! Like the new button? Me am the only one in the WORLD to have one cause me make it meself. Me was thinking about offering it to them over there... but then thought no. If anyone want it just email me and me send you code for it, that way me know who am visiting cave and who am not. If few people want it... then me put it up over there. We see. For those of you who not care to visit Blunt Cogs or want to know what it am all about before you go.. look at this!! Yup, that me. Me am imortalized in 3 panel format. How cool am that? No, really?

International Monstee of mystery

Well, me have been trying to come up with really good posting for cave recently. Since me outed evil spawn a Satan last post me have actually tried starting several new entries... but either the interweb pixies am mad at me or the world wide net trolls am hungry cause either way all them postings have either gotten eaten by editor just before me was going to save them (causing me to decide if me really want to go and try to remake nice 2 1/2 hour post of just throw up paws and curse until me feel better) or the nice little neat do-dad do-hicky thingamajig who-ha whatzit me was going to add to post just not work right (causing me to decide if me really want to go and spend another 2 1/2 hours trying to get code to work right of just throw up paws and curse until me feel better). Guess what shit me did?

Me have had somethings work out though. Me have been helping out with ideas and artwork for new Internet Comic Strip called Blunt Cogs.
It am really funny strip put together by some of our friends "across the pond." Me not sure what pond they talking bout but me think them guys and gals am from strange far away places like Ire... ton, and Scotsdale... and... and... Eng.. el... burg... yeah, Engelburg. Something like that. Engelburg Humperdink! They good guys... NO! Chaps! Chaps, they all good chaps... or blokes. Chaps or blokes... what the HELL am the difference? HOW YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!?! It am like them people have different work for EVERYTHING!!! And it not even make no sense! Over there... they smoke fags! FAGS!! And if they make mistake, they use rubbers!! HAHAHA! RUBBERS!! We use rubbers to AVOID mistakes!!! ...and keep feet dry. OK, that weird, but still. AND they got birds over there! Me know, we got birds over here too, but they talk to theirs. They talk to them and try to date them. ME NO LIE! But now, stop and think... We date birds over here too, we just call them chicks! See? We not so different after all!! ...oh screw you! Me like em so me going to welcome em to cave with open arms.

'Ello boys! 'Ello ladies! Me am Monstee! Welcome ta me cave. 'Ow's a trip over? 'Ope ya warm enough. Fancy a pint? 'Eres a moldy box o porn for ya ta sit on. Let's 'ave a drink shall we. If ya don't wants ta chat, feel free ta 'ang in the shadows. Me wont mind and if anyone says different, then 'e's a right lying tosser and can bloody well naff off and kiss my ass!!! ARSE!!! ARSE!!! It's arse right? Arse? ...Or bum? WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE FOR FUCK'S SAKE?!?

Old Stuff, New Stuff, Dumb Stuff

Old Stuff: Me was to start by saying me am very sorry for some of things me say in me last post. Me got little carried away and me let it all get to me head. Me guess that what me get for watching too much TV. So, me apologize. You am not all dicks. Some of you am bitches, but speaking of dicks....
ScarletSphinx seem to be of opinion that Mr. Satan have no Mr. Happy. Far be it from me to be one to say if or if not the Dark Lord do or do not have a wang. Dongs am just not something me spend lot of time thinking bout. But me always did think that Prince of Lies can appear as anything he want... so why he not want Johnson that am like huge? Guys with long rods seem to be more confident than those with little willys and speaking for those of us with enormous schlongs it am pretty cool.

Adrienne Barbeau did bring up good point about it being in Dictionary, and that entry am based on one of me favorite comedians Bill Hicks (God rest his soul) when he talk about rock and roll.
When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children?
I want my children to listen to people who fucking rocked.
I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit.
I want someone who plays from his fucking heart.
And these other musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against them?
Boy, do they suck. What a coincidence!
Ball-less, souless, spiritless corporate little bitches, suckers of Satan's cock, each and every one of them.
"We're rock stars against drugs cause that's what the President wants."
Aw, suck Satan's cock.
That's what we want isn't it, government approved rock n roll?
Whooh, we're partying now!
"We're rock stars who do Pepsi Cola commercials."
Suck Satan's cock. Put that big scaly pecker down your gullet. Drink that black worm jism. Drink it! Fill your little bellies. Ha Ha Ha!
Send in Vanilla Ice.
Hello Vanilla. Says here on your application, you have no talent, and yet you want to be a star. I think something can be arranged. Suck Satan's cock. Groooooh!
I will lower the standards of the earth. I will put 56 channels of American Gladiators on every TV. Grooh!! I will put all the money in the hands of 14 year old girls. They will think you are charismatic, deep and edgy. GROOOOOOOOOoooooohhhhhh....

Send in MC Hammer on your way out.

-Bill Hicks, Revelations, 1993

That good enough for me.... Except me will end this with just saying... Rosemary's Baby?

New Stuff:
Like me new Banner? It am new to the cave, but me have it for years and years. Me was using it for bookmark in moldy old box of porn. Little did me know that me idea was also idea of me new friend and our newest cave dweller (WARNING: The following link am not for faint of heart or ANYONE under age of... oh... lets be legal and say 18. Sarah am VERY open and VERY honest and not for anyone who prefer PG-13 life stile. Dang, she idles at a heavy R and cruising speed am somewhere between X and NC17. No get me wrong! Me like Sarah. Me think she am one of most funny and refreshing things me have found, but that just me. Me mean the girl can make clerk at adult "toy" store blush! heheheh... NO! You no distract me with funny things me am saying! This am you last warning! Sarah am great, but she am very raw and can have fouler mouth than me! Me think the girl sometimes gargle with douche!) Sarah! Either way it am great banner and me guess that great minds think alike! Me just not know what me am going to do with mine now.... oh well. Hi Sarah! Welcome to cave! (secret Note to everyone but Sarah: Me know, me know, me have not had much success with Sarahs in past... nor their pictures, but me think this time different. Really! She cool!)
Dumb Stuff:
Super Hero's that never made it:

1. Captain Exama
2. Major Infection and Pus-boy
3. The Metaphysical Mob
4. The Boys from Brazil
5. High Colonic the Enama kid
6. Josef Stalin
7. Random Roger and Condenser Mike
8. Ranger Dan and his big dog, Dick
or Ranger Dan and his big, dog dick
9. Yo Mama!
10. G.I. Gerbil and the Howling Hamster "Ah Woow Woooow!"
11. Agent Hairball & Coughing Kat
12. Mr. Parapism
13. Vibro Woman & Dildo Girl
14. The Black Klansman
15. Sergeant Masochist and his Drilled Privates
16. Poop Shooter
17. Little Immigrant and Banana Boat Boy
18. Crack Master and the Heroin Sheik
19. SlugMan
20. ApeFace & the Monkey Humpers

Monstee gets irked for no reason

OK,

...so me know this will no matter to any body but Monstee cause it am just one of those things that bug me for no reason me can tell except that it do. And why am that? ME NOT KNOW!!! If me did, me might know how to deal with it and not get you panties in such big bunch over nothing! Yeah, me know. Me said "you" panties. But that cause me no wear panties, stupid! Sorry, sorry... Me not mean to take it out on you. Me just need to understand this.

Have you seen this commercial for Yoplait yogurt where there am this girl who have yellow polka-dot bikini and she want to lose weight so she look good in it? Well, this commercial have us believe that she just eat yogurt for like six months and it all work out. Now that not what piss me off. What piss me off am fact that they play that old song "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini" in background. No! That not what burn me ass! Me rarely have problems with that old music crap! Or that old crap music! NO! In fact, what am playing in background am not the real song. NO! As usual those bastards in big world of advertising and soulless marketing have gone and changed lyrics of song just a bit. Not a lot! No! Just enough to... Well me not know why!! Typically those noxious quiefs change works to better match product and help sell they product and diminish our lives just one little bit further... BUT NOT THIS TIME!!! NO! Me think this time they do it just for the fuck of it! Just because they can! Why they got to do it at all? Me truly hope and dream that first guy to think up idea of taking good old music from past and changing lyrics to better sell they shit am in hell strapped to burning chunk of brimstone and having sheet music for all songs changed in this way shoved so far up him ass he cough up note books! Be me know he not... because he am the devil. Who else come up with idea?
"Hey Guys, since none of you have the imagination or talent to come up with something original, entertaining or noteworthy in any way, why don't you just take an old song that is already stuck in everyone's mind and change the lyrics to match the product? That way when they hear the real song they will still think of the product and you will have won on two fronts. Hail to me, your lord Satan. Line up for sodomy!"

Now me have become jaded to process somewhat, but this am just so stupid. If you look at lyrics to original song, you see that chorus go:
"It was an itsy, bitsy, teenie, weenie, yellow polka-dot bikini
That she wore for the first time today"
And on commercial they have:
"She wore an itsy, bitsy, teenie, weenie, yellow polka-dot bikini
That she wore for the first time today"
What the hell is that?!?! Me know, me know, it'm tiny little change and really don't mean anything... but still... what the hell?!?! It make NO sense. Look, look... if we take out some adjectives and phrases, what we get?
#1 - "It was a bikini that she wore"
#2 - "She wore a bikini that she wore"
God damn it! Will somebody please tell me.... What the HELL?!?! That not even good English! OH, oh, now you gonna say that maybe me not the best person to be pointing out bad English, right? Right?

Fuck you! Fuck you, fuck you and FUCK YOU!!
You're ALL dicks.

The fix is in

It have come to me attention that some of pics at cave have no been showing up in certain browsers or on certain computers along our info-highway.

Why you people no tell me this earlier?!?!

Many thanks to Ivar for filling Monstee in (even though me was at friends house last week and me discover problem meself). To repay kindness, you am moved to back of line for torture and ridicule... er, hazing... er, special welcoming to cave. But because you as only second to last person to be new at cave (and self confessed lurker) that only put one person in front of you....

Hello PerversoActor! Me have been to you blog.... did not understand one word. Ok, one word... maybe two. Three or four tops, but it help if me know what language it am in. Me would like to welcome you in you native language, but me not know what country you am from. Am it Hungry, Turkey, Greece?

mmmMMMmmmmmmturkeygrease....

NO! You NO distract Monstee with talk of you yummy homeland stuffed with bread crumbs and sitting in pan with mouth-watering drippings!! Me am Monstee! Me want to know why nobody tell me they not be seeing all Monstee's pictures that me be going out of way to hang on cave wall?

Me am approachable! Me am friendly! Me post me email address and AIM Handel for all to see just in case they want to reach out and say something like "Hi Monstee! How am you? Me can no see all you pictures you so lovingly hang on cave wall for everyone to enjoy! Me must be idiot!" Then me would very nicely says "NO! You am no stupid for THAT reason. That am problem with way me browser download certain pics. Me just discover it and am in process of fixing problem files.... MOTARD!!" But NooooOOOOOOOoooooo!!! You people all just go on giggling behind Monstee's back under him nose bout how he keep posting pictures nobody but him can see.

NOW me know why nobody give Monstee very many caption ideas for him funny picture.
You can see it now? If no, you going to tell Monstee? If you do see pic, feel free to go back and check out other pics you might have missed. We am fixing and updating all the time (which am definitely taking time away from developing lurker detected). Hopefully, soon ALL of me pics will be fixed and you then have NO problem seeing all Monstee's pretty pictures.

Me no like to post pictures that can no be picked up by all people... but if you have right kind of computer, link, server and browser... maybe you like to see dirty picture of last first time Monstee have sex.And before you start asking same old questions all over again...
1) Yes! She am shaving me ass.
2) NO. That am not midget arm sticking out of side of waterbed, it am blow up doll that get stuffed there somehow. Midget am taking picture.
3) Yes! Them am real tattoos on her body. Pic not so good to show all of them but there am Bat with yellow eyes, Oingo Boingo skull, chain of dancing beans, portrait of Sting (in circle with line through it), portrait of Danny Elfman (in circle with line through it), portrait of Monstee (NOTE: this am old pic. Today tattoo of Monstee portrait am in circle with line through it and next to portrait of Trent Reznor... DANG YOU Reznor! You one up me once again!), Band Logo's (The Police, The Sex Pistols, The Ramones, The Damned, The Dickies, Gen X, Misfits, Dead Kennedys, Devo, Black Flag, Sisters of Mercy, The Clash, Oingo Boingo, Adam & the Ants, Elvis Costello, XTC, Joe Jackson, the specials), Slippery when wet sign, scratch and sniff sign, Exit only sign (in circle with line through it), the covers of like the first 10 Steven King books, a shark with a MOD hat.
4) No. That am NOT optical illusion. They am that big and their spectacular.
5) NO. There am only 5 adult toys. You am counting pink one twice cause it wrap around.
6) Yes. You may download pic for you own use.


Feel free to submit caption for either pic!

Monstee gives credit where credit is due

Tam the season to be Monstee,
Fa la la la la, Mmmm mmmm mmm mmmmmmmmmmm.....

What?!?! You am saying. Monstee posting twice in same week? YES me am. Me am in such a good mood that just had to tell you guys. ...and screw you, me post as often or not at me want!

Anyway, what me love most about this time of year am that me hangover am just about going away and me start getting me belated MonstaShanah presents. Just imagine me surprise when me go to get mail and find box left at mouth of cave from "POP The Soda Shop!"

Now truth be know me was already expecting box because me secrete Santa (me know what me spelled... YOU not know what fat man do on Monster Holidays!) already tell me they getting it for me. Me not going to tell you who it am because me not want you all hounding them for free drinks youself, but me would like take opportunity to point out me really super good friend Kate before me forget. HI KATE!!! You totally rock for no other reason than you just being youself!!! Thanks for everything (if you know what me mean... wink, wink)!!! Now me not want to get into debate if Kate am nicest person in world or not, cause then we got to start comparing her to Mother Teresa and Jesus and me and we not got time for all that. But me did want to mention her because what you know? Box happen to have some of her favorite soda inside! What am the odds?!?

ABITA Root Beer/ INGREDIENTS: Carbonated Water, cane sugar, caramel color, root beer flavor, phosphoric acid

Now me was expecting good things from this drink because, 1) it am brewed like beer and 2)CANE SUGAR. Me figure, what can go wrong, but although me love root beer, me never had this Kind and really not know what to expect. Here am transcript of what go on in Monstee's head after me drink.

DRINK #1

Adult half of brain: SWEET!!!
Picky kid half of brain: What is this? This is different!
     I don't like this! I want IBC!
Man in labcoat who analyze everything: SWEET!!!
7/9ths of brain that relate everything to everything else:
     No wonder Kate's so sweet!
Super taster who like to pick out flavors in food and drink: Lord GOD that is sweet!!
Sense of fairplay: Now don't judge a soda by your first
     drink.
Inner child half of brain: Can I have another drink of that?

Drink #2

Adult half of brain: Wow is that sweet!
Picky kid half of brain: This is different! It not at all like
     IBC!
Man in labcoat who analyze everything: SWEET!!!
7/9ths of brain that relate everything to everything else:
     Kate doesn't have a sweet tooth, she had a sweet skull!
Super taster who like to pick out flavors in food and drink: OK, there is really root beer in there... sweet, but
     root beer none the less...
Sense of fairplay: You really should finish that before
     making judgment.
Inner child half of brain: Can I have another BIG drink of
     that?

Drink #3

Adult half of brain: Ya know, that's not bad!
Picky kid half of brain: I can drink this!
Man in labcoat who analyze everything: I hope we don't
     lose a foot!
7/9ths of brain that relate everything to everything else:
     If Dr. Pepper is still the best.... then this is about a
     Dr. Pep! Its right up there with Mr. Pib!
Super taster who like to pick out flavors in food and drink: Oh god, the brewing process has cooked the sugar
     into a caramel flavor the just sits under the root beer
     flavor and waits for you to find it...yum.
Sense of fairplay: I think my work here is done.
Inner child half of brain: Can I have my own bottle of that?

Drink #4+

All parts of brain: Oh wow... that's almost as good as sex.

Oh before me forget, me also want to thank Heatherfeather for what she do for me night before last. Thanks Heatherfeather!! You have no idea how frustrated me was before you do that for me! Of ALL me new best gal cavedwellers... you the latest!

Oh, NotKate also include couple of BAWLS GUARANA High Caffeine Guarana Beverage. It was pretty good too... a little lemon/limey. Once me get over fact that it come in bottle shaped like french tickeling adult toy me find if quite refreshing. Even though it it have so much caffeine it give me Van Halen Legs.

New Year, New People, Nuisance

Well that baby with diaper and sash around him neck am about here and just in time too because me like to put the hurt on that old man with diaper and sash around him neck! 2005 was not very good year for you friend Monstee. Oh sure, the food was good. Music, TV and the movies seemed to be improving. Booze seemed to flow like it had been bottled up somewhere. There were plenty of women and the sex just keeps getting better and more interesting every single week! But in 2005 me stopped smoking and me am still little pissed off bout that! Me liked smoking! It make Monstee look cool! It make me feel manly. Now it gone and what me got? Just outstanding good looks and enormous genitals. Me guess that will have to be enough.

For those of you who not know, it am well into festive time for me people and me want to take this little break from Monstashona and wish you all happy holidays of you own. Be it belated Christmas, belated birthday, belated chanukah, belated kwanza, belated Hanukkah, belated trash day, belated anniversary, belated voodoo day, belated fishstick day, belated Independence Day (Slovenia), belated Junkanoo, belated Admission Day, belated Saint Thomas of Canterbury Feast Day, belated Tick Tock Day, belated No Interruptions Day,belated Bo Diddley's Birthday, belated Leap Second Adjustment day, belated Make Up Your Mind Day, belated Cathode-Ray Tube Day, belated Winter Solstice, belated Crossword Puzzle Day, belated Forefather's Day, belated Humbug Day, belated Phileas Fogg Wins a Wager Day or whatever day you and the horse you rode in on chooses to celebrate... Me hope that whatever jolly fat pagan has you number, he/she/it sends you everything you want and half of what you truly deserve! And as you gather with you family round that tall aluminum pole, air you grievance's and perform you feats of strength, remember that no matter how great the gift/black eye/mixed drink or whatever that we get from our friends/family am... it in no way compares to the warm, comforted,completely fulfilled feeling we get when we go out of our way to have sex with big blue hairy monsters...or just give him cash if we am a guy.

And speaking of guys, me would like to take what little time me have now while family clears away feasting things and brings in drinking things to give formal greetings to new people visiting cave and NOT HANGING OUT LIKE BUNCH OF LURKERS!!

First am Sol at Hall of the Slain. Now it am true that the hall am a little thin right now, but that just because it so new. If you got there you can no help but notice new blog smell. But Sol MORE that make up for him blogging frequency being somewhere between... oh, say me and old rotten tree stump by commenting. You can no look for bugs under dead cat without finding comment by Sol. Hi Sol! Me am Monstee! Nice of you come by and comment. Me like that.

Same with ScarletSphinx at My tender prison. Hey SS! Nice you come by and comment instead of soak up all cavey goodness and NO GIVE BACK LIKE NO GOOD LOUSY LURKER!!! Like Sol, SS have what appear to be brand new blog that seem to be well under way. Good luck to both you two! You going to need it if keep coming round here....(hehehehehe)

Next are people who suck. No, not lurkers. People who comment at cave and STILL suck. Why they suck? Me not sure how answer that cause me not sure what they up to. Me not going to give they links cause when me try them me get page saying account am canceled and then me computer start doing strange things and me got to restart. Lucky me have Macinrock and nothing damaged or infected, but still since they all have addresses so similar (www.some letter two digit number some other letter.com/ ~first name ~second name) that me believe they all in this together. They also only comment to Monstee's older posts and then comments with strange things like when me rant on stupid things they say "Thanks!" What the hell am that? What the hell am going on? Me not know and me not like it so Wallace Skovira, Merrill Catchings & Rolando Durall... You all suck! Unless you prove to Monstee that you real people and not trying to fish or infect computers, me NEVER going to welcome you to cave and NEVER going to give you hard time and see if you can take it and come back to play!

Speaking of heatherfeather at Love me, love my caribou, she am only one who DARE to take Monstee challenge in me Popularity Contest! True, me no really go to trouble of actually checking her work to see if she do it all right... BUT WHY ME HAVE TOO? SHE ONLY ONE WHO DO IT! Hi heatherfeather, welcome to cave! Me have been to her blog before and me not real sure how me got there. All me know is she am real nice person even if she post stuff about THEM. Her blog am REAL clean and have smell of fresh yarn, bleach and dog hair.

mmmMMMMMMmmmmuseddoggysweater....

NO! You no distract Monstee with talk of warm fuzzy treats! Heatherfeather am only one who take challenge so she win! Now she am most popular girl in cave! (sorry Adrianne Barbeau, you had 13 days.) Now me get posting from Heatherfeather asking what she win. What she win? Well, truth am me never expect anybody win. Let me see what we got around here...
:::BUMP::CRASH::SMASH::CREEK::SLAM::drip drip drip::SMASH::CRASH::
Here we go! You win this! One genuine stuffed animal thingy guaranteed NOT be possessed by Satan or any of hims minions as long as you no look at it, talk to it, touch it, listen to it, smell it, or interact with it in any way. And for God's sake... DON'T CLICK ON IT.
(everybody else shutup!)
BUT WAIT! Heatherfeather you're today's big winner! You can either keep what you have... or trade it for what am in the moldy box of porn!
Everybody:oooooOOOOOOOOOooooooooo AAAAAAHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh......
Take you time heatherfeather, we be right back with you right after word from our sponsor.

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How many times have this happen to you?
You trolling on web looking at new blogs when you run across person who only give profile picture of part of they face. How you supposed to know what they look like? How you know if you can trust them? How you know if the two faced or not?
Well now you know, thanks to the help of Monstee Inc.'s new...
Profile Facial Extrapolator!
Yes Monstee Inc. the company that brought you Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn! (p.p.) and Monsteespeak Translator 1.0 now brings you,
the Profile Facial Extrapolator!
Simply place the picture above the buttons provided and you instantly have access to over three kinds of extrapolation! Just listen to these people!
"This outta be right." - one of our programmers
"That's ME!" - Tyra Banks
"She's HOT!" - guy on the street
"I'm suing." - Tyra Banks
But enough about them! The Profile Facial Extrapolator is perfect for parties, family gatherings, late night alone typing one handed, or just trying to find a way to end a really really long posting!
Get youself a mirror and watch yourself using it right NOW!

The Profile Facial Extrapolator by Monstee Inc.
Ask for it by name!

Well.... shit.

Ok, so me not been around much lately but hey, me been sick.

Well... Me guess me am still sick, but me hope to be getting over it soon. Me have for some reason got big infected tooth! Can you no believe it? ME! With infected fang! At first me think it was just massive indigestion from eating giant four foot ball of hair with bullseye taped to it, but no. Me have bad in me mouth and me have to do ME time at dentist to get it fixed. The tooth have already half exploded from me chewing on me hard crunchy things... and while me waiting for appointment, it get infected. Me did not think there germ out there that want to live in me body. Me guess contrary to all hate mail me get over LAST post... Monstee really am sweet.

Well kiddies, to tied you over while me drooling on couch watching infomercial and The View, me have gathered up all postings from Sarah's place having to do with Bear Story and posted them in back of cave. (For those of you who no know, back in early-mid September Sara stay away from her blog for long time and people start treating her comments like chat room and some of us start entertaining ourselves by writing cute little story about a Bear.)

Feel free email me with additional chapters if you want, just try to keep consistency of project.

Wish me well kids! Me like going to dentist bout as well as me like going to... oh, let say hell. But till me start feeling better, you work on story and here am things to think about:

1. Why we always telling kids to be good and not take candy from strangers, then on Halloween we dress them up like evil things and make them take candy from strangers?
2. Am there anything more disgusting than mouthful of puss? (now me know where you gutterminded people am going, but when you start getting mouthful of THAT every 20-30 minutes all day long then we talk. (and when we talk me say you made bad career choice))
3. You ever notice how there am no rule when you add funny and sad together? You never know what you going to get. Me mean, clowns am funny and crying am sad. If you add them together... crying clown am sad. Now, walking in on someone masturbating in bathtub am funny... buuuut walking in on clown crying while masturbating in bathtub am fucking hysterical!
4. Do dung beetles poop? If so, am that not like pooping you own food?
5. If you could poop you own food, what would you poop and would you eat it?

Discuss.

:]

Why me need help

Ok. When me ask you what you think, me was expecting few of you come back with witty comments bout who me try and put in me first fake photo that use to be perfectly good picture of Monstee meeting what's her name at what's her name's birthday party but am now going to be Monstee meeting someone else at what's her name's birthday party!


Me was willing do all the work. Me was willing take all responsibility for having fake picture on web site. Me was not going to claim it being real... But me did need help thinking what to do. Why? Because me have problem coming up with good idea and not second guessing meself.

Like, me first idea am Adrienne Barbeau! But then me get to thinking that she am already friend and how am it that me meet person that me already know at what's her faces birthday party? Me worry about this for days hoping SOMEBODY give Monstee new idea.. but then on "Talk like pirate day" me think of using pirate. But that only good for one day. So then me think of..




Jessica Alba!


But then me realize that me was just thinking of her because she am one of most common names googled right now. Plus, like SHE really going to show up at who'zits thingy-dingy. She am TOTALLY to popular for that. Me not need use her name just to get people come see Monstee's cave. Me have porn for that! And thinking of porn... me then start thinking of rock star...




Courtney Hole!


See what me mean?!?! It take me 4 tries till me get around to something that am showing boobies! ...er, boob. ...eh, that am boob aint it? Anyway, so then me think that this am not so wholesome and me need to go more family oriented when me claim to meet people at Doowankas's Watchamajigger. Now you tell me, who am more wholesome and family oriented than....




That Actress That Play Marge Simpson!


But then me remember that we use go out in college and me no want to open THAT old can of worms. It not end all that well and we not really friends today... even though she never get where she am today if not for her really, REALLY liking color of Monstee's hair and having custom dye made in just that hue and then... no, no.. me not go there. Anyway, at this time me panic and just start grabbing at anyone that me might have met at whiny's crabfest. And me mean ANYONE!! Like...




A Smoking Monkey!


A 57 Chevy!


An Extra, Extra Supersized Order of Fries!


So now me still no know what to do!
Oh, me am going get something to eat.

An open letter to everyone except... you know who.

Well, it you not already notice, me last post before this was really nice letter to... someone... about how me was sorry if me offend her with me comments in her site called... something. Me not want to go into great detail, but... me get really nice email from... this person... saying how she not mad at all and she not going to stop posting and she closed comments cause she getting like 200 comment spams every day... and also cause she think it getting lame.

It were all nice and friendly and stuff, but at end she did ask Monstee take down picture of her. Now me am nothing if not understanding type monster. So me take down picture. But then me think, what about other people in picture. Me am not being very nice to them by not allowing them be posted in Monstee's cave! So to make everybody happy, me use me totally awesome set of tools and bring out color of person in picture. Me not know if it am her favorite color... or most hated color... of color of her undergarments... but it color on her mind at time.

Now me think picture need something. It need something in big empty area, but me not know what to put there. That where you all come in. What you think about this? What you think me put in place. Me was thinking me should try to do fake, photo dubing type thingy and put person in there... but me not very good at stuff like that and not know who to put in. What do you think? Best me could come up with am picture of me very good friend...

Adrienne Barbeau!

An open letter to Sarah B.

Dear Sarah,

(for you of them that no know, Sarah am host of really cool website called Que Sera Sera)

How am you? Me am fine. Did you ever sober up from you birthday party? Ha ha. Me bet you not even remember getting picture taken with Monstee! That ok. Me only remember because me was there. (for you of them that no see picture in front of face, you can see picture here) Me am writing you today to ask why you turn you comments off on you latest post. (see comments to Sarah's latest posting here) (see Sarah's latest post here) Did we offend? Did you no like installments of story about bear that eat scouts and scoutmaster? (ok, for those of you who no know or no want to read or no care, it have been some time since Sarah post anything because she have been really busy with "real life". That am ok and good and fine and everything, but it do make evil commenters comment on fact in Sarah's comments. This also make good nice not mean commenters comment on how evil commenters am being evil and need to give Sarah break about not posting. Then, other good nice funny commenters comment that in meantime we can just entertain ourselves while we patently wait for Sarah to get done and post again. We do this by starting little story about bear that eat bunch of scouts and scoutmaster. You can read story in Sarah's comments above, below Sep. 8th or 9th.) You am last comment in there and you am asking "What the hell?" (to see last comment, it am all the way at bottom of above comments) Then there am no way for anyone to post comments to answer you question! How you expect anyone to answer you questions if you go and turn off comments? Me would have been happy to answer you question if you no go and turn off comments!! Now me got to go and answer you question in me blog and hope that you see it here. (You can see me posting all this here) Me am just afraid that deep down inside nobody as big and famous in blogging community as you EVER come and visit Monsee in Monstee's cave... unless you one of those lurkers!!! (for those of you with head stuck in holes in ground, lurker am person who frequent blog sites and read and enjoy but never, NEVER comment of give back in any, ANY way!!! Me should know, me have quite a few!) Am you one of them lurkers? Me have quite a few. Me think if am from all the porn or the celebrities that hang around like Adrienne Barbeau or fact that me am about to kill big voice that keep interrupting me. (for those of you interested in Monstee's discount cave of porn, click hereeeeyyaaaghhh.... Good! Me hate that guy.

Sarah, me just want to say that by turning off you comments me take that as message that you no want installments of bear saga to go on. That am fine, but me really really hope we no offend you with our little attempt of self amusement. If we did, me am sorry.

You friend,
Monstee
:]

Me am Monstee!

You are a Black Coffee in a Dirty Cup with a Blue Hair in it

At your best, you are: low maintenance, friendly, and a garbage disposal At your worst, you are: cheap, angsty and smell of porn You drink coffee when: you can get your paws on it Your caffeine addiction level: so high as to be off the freakin charts

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

Your Blogging Type is Cutting Edge, Amusing and Sex Godish

You're a legendary storyteller, and you amuse many with your anecdotes and nearly psychic insights. In fact, you can turn the dullest part of your day into a colorful event (that is usually blue). You're also up on what's new and cool - from fashions, to links, to gadgets, to the pleasures of a woman. You're the perfect combo: down to earth, funny, a little mischievous, and the greatest lover on the planet.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

You Are Coffee Ice Cream in a Dirty Bowl with a Blue Hair in it

Energetic and lively, you are always on the go, go, go Speed Racer go!. You're doing a million things at once and doing them so well that only a fool would question you. You tend to motivate others, raise spirits and "excite" women. You are most compatible with chocolate ice cream (who REALLY wants to go out with you, if you like her, because she likes you. If you want, I can pass her a note in gym next hour.).

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

Your IQ Is 185

Your Logical Intelligence is Better than a Vulcan Your Verbal Intelligence is beyond Words Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Exceptionally Sexy Your Overall Brainpower is Stronger than the Lord of Sith

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

You Are a Boston Terrier Puppy with a Bad Smell and snot problems

Aggressive, wild, blood thirsty and rambunctious. Deep down, you're just a cuddle monster that wants to hump a leg.

What Breed of Puppy Are You?

You Are Ugly Used Underwear!

Comfortable, soft and broken in, more people like you than let on. But it's very difficult for you to show yourself in public. You smell and you may have holes.

What Crappy Gift Are You?

You Are A Sexual Butterfly

You love your friends so much... Biblically! You're motto is "the more, the merrier"! Making sure everyone's included is your mission of love And you always prefer a group of ten to a group of two... in bed.

What Kind of Friend Are You?

Me have totally awesome set of tools

What? Monstee am posting more than once a week? Yeah, yeah, yeah... screw!

This post am in response to recent IM me get from lurker who wish to remain nameless. They say that they like visit Monstee's cave to look at funny pictures Monstee change. Me just want to respond thusly:

ME NEVER CHANGE PICTURE IN ME LIFE!!!

It am true! Me no CHANGE pictures, me analyze them. There am big difference. When you change pic you make it look different than it did by adding new stuff like cars, taking out stuff you no want like ugly people and changing the look of what am there like airbrushing boobies. What am left an what you want, but it am changed. Me NEVER do that. Me have really good set analysis tools that let Monstee look over pic file (inside and out) and whatever me find when me analyze, me can bring out. It am nothing new and me not take nothing away! Me just showing what am already there, but hidden by other stuff in file and using THAT stuff to hide what am already obvious. Not a change, just an analysis. You want proof? Ok.....

Here me am giving you access to 3 of Monstee's old pic tools. You no pay for nothing so me not giving you ability to save pics you analyze. First we need pic. Let's take one from.... oh, lets say Kate. We not picking on Kate, we just using pic of Kate's friend from Kate's blog.

1. Emotion Tool: This am really cool tool that bring out hidden emotions of people you have in pics. Most people never realize how much data digital camera pick up when you use it. It get all kinds of stuff that you never see unless you analyze pic with tool like this. Press button, and move tool around. You see!

2. Fluid Tool: You ever see that light they use to show spots and stains from "bodily fluids"? This am same thing. You eyes no see it, but it there and camera pick it up. This tool make it possible to see it. Press button and you get tool. Turn light on tool on with little yellow button and move tool around and you see.

3. Wackamole Tool: With this tool you analyze.... um.... well.... Ok, me not know what you analyze with this tool (it come bundled with bunch of others). But it do use hammer and pump to bring out hidden wackamole traits in subjects.

full scale version

NOW you see what me mean? Pics on me blog NOT EVER BEEN changed!

Me think me prove me point.

Monstee's Bits and Pieces

Me am sorry me have no posted so much for so long... but me have been getting caught up doing other things.... me have been thinking bout posting... but just never get round to finishing good chain of thought to put down in post.

So here am bunch of junk me may never get round to finishing...

1. Did you know Fats Domino was stage name? It true! Him real name Lardass Backgammon.

2. The Evil G'Kar is stealer of planets and need to be destroyed! Me say band together galactic empires and wipe scourge from stars so Little Red of the Riding Hoods can get her planets back.

3. Shirly's daughter worked in that building.

4. Me only have seven teeth. Me counted! Me only have seven and they all fangs and they all on bottom.

5. Me have not name dropped in while.

6. Me am glad Jenny McCarthy am back on TV. Me know she take time off for having babies and all that, but what with what happen last time we see each other, me never know.

7. Me was in New York few weeks ago. Best thing that happen there am Birthday party of me friend Sara Brown. Here am pic of me and her at her party. Me not so sure she remember me being there. She am pretty drunk at time. She drinking this lemon/beer-booze... Like Mike's Hard Lemonade but with extra balls!

8. Me not really like corn on cob. (see #4 above) It Ok, but me like it better off cob and cooked with garlic. mmMMMMmmmmmgarlicorn!

9. Me have no smoked for over month now. Please no congratulate me. If you do, me will have to stab you in face with ballpoint pen.

10. Looking at me site stats me see some strange things. Me knew me had traffic from strange places, but.... It seem that two of top search phrases am "Adrienne Barbeau" and "sexy bubble gum teen". This no make no sense to me. Me good friend Kate say she get phrases like "Eating expired pasta" and "Hideous sandwich". Me can see that!!! When have me ever talked about "sexy bubble gum teen"? Adrienne Barbeau me understand too. She am one of me lurkers that me no mind her not commenting. Me understand. Hey Adrienne, we need hang out again soon. Just you & me this time, we ditch swamp thing and take off! What you say?

11. Me also see that 93% of people coming to cave only stay here less than 30 seconds. WooHoo!!! All them hits and me no got to worry bout entertaining them! HAHAHAH! In interest of getting more people like them, let me just say that at Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn (p.p.) you can download nude pics of Britney Spears in the nude for free as soon as we get some and are sure we not get sued for it. Same go for Nude pics of Jessica Simpson nude free pics and nude fantastic 4 nude Jessica Alba nude download free now as soon as nude and free download as soon as me get some for you to. :]

13. Me have noticed that me tend to drop numbers when me making list of things. Why am that?


Well that am good bakers dozen. Me hope to have special project up and running soon.

Monstee Gets An Idea

Me was not going to post anything this weekend, what due to it being holiday weekend and this am weekend where Monstee stay inside mostly. (It am hot and it am not good for monsters be around global villagers with explosives and torchlike things) Me also wanted to give lurkers as long as possible to post comment and thereby stop being lurkers and become commenting contributing readers and participants of Monstee's Cave. But it seem that ff am only one of you that have GUTS to come out of hiding and just say 'Hi'.

HI ff!!! Glad you stop by! You am lucky you avoid laughter and ridicule at you expense, but you better keep on you toes! Me am watching you....

As for rest of you lurkers.... THIS AM IT! Me am now going to start in on Monstee's new 'Out the Lurkers' program of pain and embarrassment! You have you chance, so you can no say nothing when me do what it am that me do that you not want me do when me do it!!!! HAHA!! Me am Monstee!

Now, back to what inspire me to post when me have no intention of posting am recent conversation me have with Stargasergirl and recent posting in Kate's blog. Yes, another one!!!! Hey, if you no be such a lurker then maybe me have better material work with and not pick on... er, me mean rely on Kate so much!!! If you no like it then you remember it am all YOU fault!!!

Now, if you following Kate's blog then you know she and her gang of cohorts am roadtripping down to great state of panic... er, Florida to see Stargazergirl/Carrie. Kate/Kate took Paul/husband and friends/friends with her/her. (YOU look them up! Me not know all these people!!) Well in latest post Kate say this:

(Incidentally, Mon, Paul said I've made you sound really cool and he'd like to meet you next time we're in that area for a LAN. I snorted and chortled [snortled?] and said I'd let you know.)

Now, disregarding what sound like sarcastic nose honking on Kate's part... Me thought this was GREAT idea! Me love LAN! Then, after while, me google LAN and find out it stand for "Local Area Network" and not short for Lanshire, like me thought at first.

mmmMMMmmmmmlanshire...

NO! Me will not be distracted by thoughts of yummy roadside and gas station treats!!! Why Mr. Paul man want to meet Monstee for LAN??? Am they that good? Am they better than Lanshire? Am they not what Google say and instead of being like tiny little internet the am just in building, they am really good tasty electronic teckno treat? Do he really what to split what sound like VERY expensive snack, or am he just really, REALLY socially impaired and he need to email Monstee from across the room? Me will let you all know when me find out. Me know that him no visit Monstee's cave so him am no Lurker like SOME of you!! So we be nice to him... for now... but me have pictures... hehehe.

Also me was talking to Carrie when she get home from what sound like fun time with gang, driving around in rain and cursing at people. She say that she feel kind of bad that there am not much to do in her town and she feel that with all bad weather and all that nobody going to come back and revisit her. Me think that am silly! What more fun am there than driving hundreds of mile to see old friends and drive round in rain cursing at people??? Great fun!! But me guess that it am something that she no like to do all that much so me come up with new idea for her... miniature golf!

If she build miniature golf coarse in her town then there am stuff to do!!! Everyone LOVE miniature golf! Then me think, bowling! Yeah, everybody have miniature golf... she need miniature bowling!!! People come from miles to play miniature bowling! Me give her idea and she say that she am NO good at bowling... so them me start thinking who to make idea new and fresh and put all players on same level... Not miniature bowling or miniature golf.... MEGA GOLF! You play Mega Golf outside with bowling ball on huge miniature golf coarse that am no longer miniature!! We talking REAL windmills!! You have to bowl ball round corners, up hills, through tunnels... the whole nine yards... er, holes, yeah. And no pins at end either. You got to bowl into big hole with flag! We call it BOWLFING!

Bowlfing! Yet another great idea brought to you from Monstee Enterprises.

New cave, New Post!

Hi kids!

Well here we am. Me have new cave at new address that am little deeper in big woods next to info highway we call internet. It am nice. As far as me can tell movers move everything over good. And me mean everything! They even move over old moldy box of porn! To tell truth, me have not taken time to look over ever nook and cranny, so if you notice nook or catch cranny that no look right, you let me know and me either fix it or ignore you ASAP. Me guess me should check everything out... but me not want to. Me having enough problems keeping up with other blogs for reading, doing all things in personal life and trying to post more than once week. Sometimes me get bushed! But now me going to steal... er me mean take idea from some other blogger who name escapes me and just list bunch of crap that need to be said.

First off, sometime when me mistype word "crap" me mistype it "crape". Me guess me "e" claw am just to speedy for me own goode! mmmMMMMmmmmcrapes!

Me have not taken opportunity to thank me good friend, host and sponsor Kate for setting Monstee up in new cave and giving him all the shiny new backend stuff and file space. If you no know about all this, me not going to link it. You find it youself. That what me did. Me am still getting use to it and it am seeming pretty cool. Thank you Kate!!!

As me have said in past, me am aware that me have lurkers. If you not aware of term, lurker am person who read postings but never comment. Me know you am there. You know who you am. Me was going to use this posting to out one or two of you and pass on funmakings and ridicule... but me decided not to. THIS AM YOUR LAST CHANCE. All you need do am comment and then you no longer am lurker, you am reader. Reader/Lurker... it up to you. Me know where you live/post/eat lunch/get you pictures developed/go to have smoke at break time. If me no have embarrassing pictures, me can get them!

-------------------------------------------------------
In recent post, Smacky say this... " I'm glad the surge in popularity in the zombie genre finally allowed George Romero (the king of zombie films) to get his fourth one made. I also hope it doesn't suck. At least they're not fast-moving zombies. WTF is up with that?"

Since him seem to forget that Monstee am best resource for all things Monster, me will explain topic here. Now, there am in fact five distinct types of zombies... Starting from worst to best there am....

Zombie Punk
These am not really zombies in true sense or term. They am just bunch of young people on drugs who sit around and veg out like zombies until they think you have drugs or money to buy drugs and then they mob you. No flesh eaters here... unless one REALLY freaks out, and they as easy to kill as anybody on street. You can kill one with fork if you really try. They about as fast or slow as they drug abused bodies and minds will allow.

Voodoo Zombie
This am true Zombie, but not monster type or undead flesheater. This am person who am unlucky enough to tick off mean ole' Voodoo man and let him blow puff of zombie powder into face so they go into trance like state where everyone think they am dead. This last long enough for weepy family to do funeral and put person in ground and go on with lives. Then mean ole' Voodoo man come and dig up coffin and go through song and dance like he am raising dead. What he really doing am waiting for zombie powder to ware off and person to come back to normal. When they do they usually been driven crazy by "dying" and being buried and dug up and "brought back to life" and they think they am zombie and do whatever mean ole' Voodoo man say. This am still living person how you kill same as anyone and tend to be kinda slow due to being driven crazy and all. They still can have crazy frenzy freakout, but usually are to depressed about being zombie.

Zombie Curse
Well now we get to first of undead monster type zombie. This am dead person who am cursed and not allowed to leave they dead body. It am pretty good curse. They got to just sit around all day and feel theyselves rot! Curses vary in exactly what they do. Some let person be same as they was when they was alive, sept now they am walking corpse. Some curses just animate dead body to walk around and do what they am told to do. In last case zombie and mindless stupid thing that take you literally and do what master say... but me wouldn't want it drive me anywhere! Still no crazed flesh eaters here... unless you curse someone like Jeffery Dalmer like type one or order your type two to eat people. Also them am still easy to kill. Massive damage to body will rekill them. We not talking like stabbing them in stomach or anything... we talking multi-dismemberment or disemboweling or just cutting them in half. This not always hard to do as all type two mindless zombies am slow stupid things but type one personality zombies can be as fast as they body allow until it start rotting and giving out on them.

radiation Zombie
OK! Now we getting somewhere. Here am the first of the flesheaters. These am the monster type zombies that am in the old George Romero movies. When they not in black and white, they tend to be somewhat blue colored. It am pretty sky type blue. In them old movies they say they not know why dead am up walking around and eating people, but if you listen real close near beginning of first black and white film "Night of the Living Dead" then you hear that satellite NASA send out to Saturn have come back to earth and am giving off strange radiation. Am there coincidence? These zombies am dumb! They run on base instinct and are driven with lust for human flesh! Yeah, it have been proven that given time and positive reinforcement they can be taught simple tricks and can feel some basic positive emotion, but over all, they just want to eat you. They am slow because of lack of brain energy to keep them going, but when they up close they can jerk around and bite you pretty quick. They also like to mob you and share you like a buffet! Harder to kill than any before, you need to damage the brain. Smash it or disconnect it or hack it into bits or blast hole in it.. whatever as long as it stop sending energy to body. Short of that, whatever you do they just keep coming to eat you flesh. Oh, also if you have radiation zombies running round, if they not eat you all up then in time you going to become zombie too. They claw and bits WILL cause infection that kill you, but even if you die from say, slipping in tub, if they around you going to become one of them.

Toxic Zombie
Now these am the worst! There am two types of Toxic Zombies, Bio toxin and Chemical Zombie. Both are really fast and both are kinda smart. Chem zombies tend to be a bit smarter and don't have need to eat you flesh, they want you brains! Chem zombie start out like type one curse zombie above with persons full personality in dead body, but as rigermortis and bloating set in it get so painful that something go snap and they know that only thing that stop pain of being dead am eating living brains! Brains!Brains!Brains!Brains! Chem zombies have been known to use advanced tools such as radios to call for fresh brains. Now bio toxin zombies are smart too, but driven by some sort of rage or fury that override they smarts. They about as smart as any angry vainy soccer dad having full out I'm going to kill you type fight with blind umpire who make bad call on their kid. You know the type. Instead of hitting though, they again want to eat you flesh. And what am worse am that they want flesh as fresh as possible. If they take down neighbor and start eating and you walk by and say "Hey, what cha eaten?" then they see you walking round and know that waking flesh am fresher so they go after you! Because after all, they want fresh flesh DAMNIT! Both types carry the toxin in they mouth so if they bite you it will get infected and you will die and become one of them. Biotoxin zombie can be stopped with the brain damage thing, but chem zombies can only be stopped by full out dismemberment( which leave you with pile of twitching limbs and things) or full damage to entire zombie, such as burn it all up or dissolve it all in acid. Short of that, they gonna try to get you brains!

Me hope this explain a thing or two.
Glad me could help.

Busted!

Well what you know... Fresh Meat! Yes now is time when me am posting bout person me have never posted about but many of you know or know about or know of or not know you know you know... you know?

Anyway, you no let me get ahead of meself. For some time now me have had little voice whispering in back of head. Well... ok, me almost always have little voice whispering in back of head, but this one am different and have something important to say. Before you ask what it say, let me tell you me not sure what it say. It just say that something not right. Then me find it!

Me was looking round at some of me cheaper, older, downloaded computer games and me find one that me was hooked on some time ago. What do that have to do with little voice? Little voice say that game am key and where have me seen old game lately?

BING! ::Lightbulb:: Me remember and little voice confirm. It am on Kate's blog sight in posting about... well me not sure what posting about... BUT HERE IT AM!

Before you get started, NO this am not another pick on Kate posting and YES me am aware me just did Kate in last posting... but Kate did post in her post a picture by Carrie that supposed to be "Carrie's Artwork".

For those of you who no know, Carrie am Stargazer, good friend of Kate, recent Donkey type puzzle partner to yours monstee and fresh meat for jest and ridicule for me am outing her!!! Yes, me am outing her big fat LIE here! Me not so sure where lie am but me know it am here! How me know? Because Carrie's picture look exactly like old, cheapy type downloaded computer game from the 70's! Now how can that be?
Did Carrie make artwork for game before she am born? Did Carrie COPY artwork from old game and try passing it off as her own? NoooOOOOooo....

Carrie am really telling lie about her age and she really 40 year old down on luck computer programmer who program game with her artwork and many years ago started fooling Kate into thinking they close to same age when she go through high school all over again for some sort witness relocation program because she turn in big mob type people in bug mob type computer game swindle that go bad and she turn states evidence!!! HA HA Miss Stargazer girl! Me have figured you out! And now me show me poof and everybody know truth! HA HA, HA HA!

Monstee was there... Where were you?

7 days... it took 7 days!
7 days for AngryGrrFace to notice and comment on fact that me have been making fun.. er.. me mean make posting warm and friendly thoughts about her in me last post. Me guess that am not too long for somebody that am as busy as she am these days... but still. She am lucky me no have time to post other postings of Monstee's rambling thoughts and thinkings in mean time. If me was not busy, me could have posted so much that she never think to go back and read me old postings and then she never know. But me not, so she not, and she did, and now what am me going to do about it. Nothing. Me have picked on her enough for now. Me need to move on. Me could do another Kate type posting... but me have done her enough for now too... Me need to find fresh meat! Me wanted to post funny type posting on me good friend Smacky, but me know him am really busy with work and him three houses and moving in and out and buying and selling and all that. Me wanted to find something for ridicule about him, but although me did find lots of new stuff out about him on internet recently, me can find nothing funny to poke at him. He am just too nice and cool to do Monstee post on. Me did try to see him last week. Me was in DC area for me other job, and me thought me would stop by him new house... er... me mean bungalow, and help him eat... er, me mean move any big and tasty boxes that him still have that need eating, er moving. But me guess him and family not at home. Me hear frightened animals inside, but nothing else. So me go over to him old house and see if him am mowing lawn or fixing up place for selling or notwhat... but him not there either. Me can see why him want to move! Old house am dump! New place am so much nicer and more homey. Me am sure old place will sell, heck me live in cave, you bound to find someone to buy old place. But when you compare old and new place, there an no comparison! But then me go back to new place and when me compare, it look like mansion. Oh sure, it am little bit smaller... but oh so nicer. Even though nobody there to greet me, me take picture of new place to prove me was there.
You no have to worry Smacky, me make sure me cover up address so nobody know where you live. Unless they have contacts like Monstee have, they now got to look at picture and drive around DC area looking for house that match. Next time me working in DC area, me email you first and let you know. Me notice you new mushroom crop am almost ready and old septic tank out back am making fine swimming pool. If you need, me will even help you dig new hole for outhouse! You not want to use hole from last people who live there. That just not right.

Monstea?

Me good friend Kate post a picture of her new Tea Shelf. Now Kate like tea. She REALLY like tea! She like tea so much that me think me start calling her Katetea!

Me have nothing against tea. Tea am good. Tea am almost good as coffee, and you know me like me coffee! When you live in cave like me do, you learn like worm drinks that comfort you when it damp and chilly. Me like to mix me tea. Me mix up batch of Green, Black and Earl Gray together. It look like camouflage! Me mix in other tea one time, but was oohot and took oolong to ooldown. Me point? Me am Monstee! Me like tea... but not as much as Katetea like tea.

When she post about her tea she ask:
So ... is it overkill? Am I obsessed? Just wondering...
Me no think it am overkill. If she use tea as furniture... THAT am overkill. Me know think she am obsessed. She talk about lots more stuff than tea... but never crumpets... hmmmm... why no crumpets with tea?

mmMMmcrumpets

NO! Amount of tea am not problem. KIND of tea am problem! Me show you. Look here at bottom of tea shelf. You see box of tea? It look like harmless box of tea sitting on floor with other kinds of tea, do it not? Well it am NOT! Me spot this tea first time me see picture and it make me wonder just what all kind of tea it am that Katetea am drinking. Katetea say she like all kinds of tea. Well now we know that am all too true! This am MONSTER tea!! [YOU GASP HERE] Yes, you hear me, MONSTER tea! Me have been seeing this tea in caves for many years of me long life. You take look at close up of box and you see what me mean.

SHE WHAT ME MEAN?!?!
Oh Katetea, we know you love you tea. We know you no live without you tea. But you should no be drinking monster tea. Me know, me know... it am best tea going with roadkill... but that no excuse! Me see plenty other strange and bizarre tea on shelf for you. You drink goat tea, way tea, golf tea, natalieblairntoo tea, avast ye may tea, hoit tea, toit tea, na tea, pout tea, snoo tea, froo tea, warrenbay tea, que tea, patoo tea, shakeyaboo tea, doo tea, yeah tea and fasola tea... but please, PLEASE you no drink the mons tea.

That am really big IF!

Here am monstee's response to IF type discussion thingy started on Kate's blog.

"If you were to have bells ring out loud automatically (for all to hear) every time you did a certain thing, what would it be?"

For me, it would be when me correctly guess question me no know answer too. You think about this. This be very handy. Let's say... you no can find you keys. You ask, where am me keys? Then you say:
"They locked in car?" .....
"They in coat pocket?" .....
"Me drop them in old moldy box of porn?" {ding ding ding ding ding}
Then you know where keys am and you go get them! This so handy!!!

But me guess this have draw back too... Say you getting nagged at by wife, girlfriend, female boss, whatever... and you say smiting stupid like, "What am you problem? Am it that time of month?" {ding ding ding ding ding} At least then you know you better start running!!! Unless you get where you rely on bells too much and say "Should me run?" {ding ding ding ding ding} By that time you already getting hit!

As for me question... it also come from book "If...123"
"if you could be on the cover of any magazine next month, which magazine would you want it to be, and what would the caption say?"
Me answer: Fortune magazine! Caption: "Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn!"

Choosy Monsters Choose...

OK, so Kate leave this hanging round her blog...
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Either leave your answers or a link to your webpage with your responses.

Would you rather:
1. your ears be bleeding OR your eyes?
2. smell like vanilla cake frosting OR fresh-cut lime wedges?
3. get comments on your hair OR your smile?
4. have an addiction to coffee OR an addiction to bubble gum?

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Now me sometimes have problem answer thingys like this and you see why it upset Monstee so much...

1. ...your ears be bleeding OR your eyes?
Me pick ears, but only because it mean that then me HAVE ears! This question am ANTI-MONSTITE! You no know how questions like this am for me people! Look, look... Which you rather get cut off in car accident, toes or antenna? SEE!! See how it feel!!!

2. ...smell like vanilla cake frosting OR fresh-cut lime wedges?
Vanilla cake frosting OR fresh-cut lime wedges? Am that frosting on vanilla cake or vanilla frosting ON cake?? AND WHAT DIFFERENCE AM IT IF IT WEDGES?!?! Never have Monstee noticed wedgy undertone to fresh-cut lime sent! [sigh] Me go with limes... But me want it on record that me prefer lime RINGS smell to wedges.

3. ...get comments on your hair OR your smile?
[shaking hard trying not to explode] THAT DEPEND ON COMMENT!!!! Look, look... "Gee, your hair smells terrific!" vs. "Dude, your fang are creeping me out." am TOTALLY different than "Nice hair, find any spiders in it?" vs. "Oooo, I love your pearly whites!" ARGGGH! "Blue" and "Long" am both comments about me hair and teeth, but me no prefer either!!! If you talking abut complements then SAY complements!!!! Great, now me bleeding from me eyes... ok, me pick smile.

4. ...have an addiction to coffee OR an addiction to bubble gum?
Now this am a good question. It am straight forward and to point and am something me know about... Addiction! Monstee am heavy smoker. Me go through 1 1/2 to 2 lighters a day. For this me want bubble gum, but me want coffee flavored bubble gum! Me love coffee too, but me not addicted. Me going to drink some now.

mmmMMMmmmmcoffee.

That so good, me drink another pot.

MMMMmmmmMMMMMcoffee.

Thatwas goodtoo. Megonna drink anotherpotnow.

MmMmMmMmMmMmMmMcOfFeE!

Melovecoffeesomuchthatmenotknowwhatmedoifmenogetmecoffeethatkeepmonsteegoing.
Ohyeahmealsosometimeslikeflavoredcoffeelikethisherethatamsomeflavorlikemapleortreesquirrel orsomethinganditamsoundingsogoodrightnowthatmethinkmewilljusteatitstraightandnotbotherbrewitupinpot!

mmmmmcofygrnds!

mntknwwhymlkcffsmchbtmnwthkmgnnatmrcfgrnds!

mmm!


{beep}

Monstee meets a NEW person

Me just realized that with all that am going on with me new "at cave" business (see last post), me forget to make fun of.... er, say HI to new and latest commentee in Monstee's cave!

haiku_girl

And me want to take opportunity to welcome her as first person to comment in Monstee's new cave without Monstee first commenting in they blog first. So, not to show off me skill with word or anything, me will greet nice person in style they name seem to imply they like. Here am little nothing in style of 7-5-7...

Can me help you with something
Welcome haiku_girl
Monstee's Discount Cave Of Porn!

Stock Monstee?

WHAT AM GOING ON?!?!

Me was just Googling and me find THIS! (BTW: Google look NOTHING like Monstee's eyes! Why they always saying that?)

What am this all about? Who put Monstee's shiny new squeaky clean cave on market? What am all this about market shares? Me no want to share cave? Why am it there? And why am nobody buying?!?!?!

No! Monstee no stand for this! Monstee get to bottom of this faster than... than...
ARRRGH! Monstee am so upset he no come up with good analogy! You finish for youself! (Me suggest you think J.Lo. or something.)

GAAAH! AngryGrrFace am there... and she am worth MORE than Monstee!!! What she got that Monstee no got? Oh yeah.... boobs.

NO! Monstee no get property values lowered by sweater properly filled out by perky young 19 year old nubile...

YAAAAAH! Smacky am worth more than both us!!! Am he got boobs TOO??? They must be bigger than Lau...

Kate? Kate? Et 2 KaTee? WHY??? Why am Monstee not worth as much as others?

:::Gasp:::
Me bet it am old moldy box of porn! Me go throw it out! Nobody on internet want to see bunch of...

:::Bing!:::
[picture lightbulb above Monstee's head]

FRAMES!!!
MONSTEE NEED FRAMES!!!

Monstee Gets On Bandwagon (and back to the scrapbook)

OK ok ok, me get it. We am all playing April fool jokes on selves. So now Monstee have him turn. Me not know if you all notice what Monstee notice, but lot of bloggers am taking time out to share personal and embarrassing things bout selves. Now this am all well and good and am usually good laugh and Monstee end up feeling closer to blogger for knowing such things... but when me come back to cave, Monstee feel like wimp for not stepping up plate and doing same. Me am Monstee! Me am no wimp. Me have done lots of things over years me am not proud of. Now Monstee have been reading lots of blogs that recently been airing dirty laundry type things and sharing embarrassment with world (wide web) so Monstee first make mention on few and do same.

So many bloggers am posting embarrassing pictures they am too many to mention.

Now Kate and Smacky do lists of personal things... Monstee already post list comment for Kate, so me no do that here.

Lauren and Sara read from diary... NO! Journal... NO! Diary... it am diary... but Monstee no write about himself in diary... others write about Monstee.

So now Monstee go back to scrapbook and pull out news clipping from secret page and show you all him most embarrassing moment. All me ask am you try be kind and remember we all do stupid things in past.

Click to inlarge

Monstee gets a Banker (that explains the banner ad)

You know, It am weird how things work out sometimes. If you know Monstee, then you know that many things have been changing in him life recently. One of which am this new cave site blog thingy. Me hope be out of escrow soon, but that no stop me from making self at home and getting know new neighbors, trolling round new patch of info highway and keeping mind off Monstee's money troubles. So me was doing that recently and good friend say me should go see kool and funny site. Me go and laugh and laugh! It very good site. Me start lurking round archives and find funny post about monster type banner ad. Sarah say she chat with ad guys and she want Vampire ad. If you want vampire ad you no go to ad guys, you go to vampire. So me call good friend Vlad. Me in luck because him have bother in-law that am banker! It all work out! Monstee get help with him money problems and him know all about best vampire banner ad. Monstee promise put ad on blog for while so it lower amount of blood money Monstee have to pay each month. You feel free to click on ad, it no go nowhere. Me promise to show ad, not link it to anything! That make Vampire SO sick! You click it, you see what me mean.

Monstee gets his tongue pierced

OO! OO! Here a recent one! Me not do this too long ago.
Me was on bar tour with Jaeger girls. We going from college to college and me guess me have little too much drink one night. So what you going do? What else college kid type into these days? Me get pierced and tattooed. But they no take. Me end up eating stud they put in tongue and ink no show up on monstee's hide. Oh well, me still have me pictures. Here am one of me and friend in Riverton, WY.

She am good kid. Really cute and funny.
But me no think she remember me... she drunk out of head at time.




YOU GO SEE HER BLOG HERE!

You like it!