Ooops, me did it again.

YEAH, YEAH, yeah.... Me know, me know! For someone who say they am back me have not been posting as much as me should. Well... SUFFER POPE! To tell truth, me really have not had as much time as me wanted and me have not even gotten round to reading all of you blogs yet. Me know, me know... you am all asking "Why not? Why you so busy?". Well to that me just want to say "YOU MIND YOU OWN BUSINESS!!"!!! Me no have to tell you squat! You no see me hanging round you blog reading you posting and asking you bunch of personal questions do you? No, you NOT! You know why? Course you no know why, so me going to tell you. CAUSE ME REAL BUSY! You know why me am so busy? Course you no know why, so you no even attempt to lie and say you know cause you no know! And only reason you no know am because me no tell you. SO LISTEN UP YOU! Me am only going to tell you this once and me no want you coming back with tons of questions bout who am who and what am what and can me wipe you butt cause you got problems worse off than me... NO! Me am Monstee! Me have the problems! Me am busy and not with you butt wiping problems you got, but with personal problems that involve girl problems with real girl and problems that seem so unreal that they am making me busy dealing with.

[We at Monstee Inc. suggest that if you are confused at this point you either go back and reread the past paragraph several times or just go with the flow and forget about it. If by chance you are one of the few people out there that totally understands what Monstee is saying the first time through, congratulations, your cookie is in the mail. Thank you.]

Now as with all problems, it am important to learn from them. Because me think it am better for me not to talk about me problems in public... me guess me could and should just talk bout what me have learned from them.

If you think you am too busy to post all that much, no go and make board of directors to run you busyness for you. Them people can and will take over and sometimes in hostile way!

[We here at Monstee Inc. would like to stress that the opinions and beliefs expressed by Monstee in no way reflect the opinions and beliefs of Monstee or any member of Monstee Inc., its subsidiaries or parent company Hyper-Uber-Mega-Para-Anti-Global-Omni-Astro-Teck.
Thank you.]

If you am wanting to break off hot and heavy affair with younger married woman, who you board of directors will NOT let you name, never tell her it am because of her stupid, whitetrash, hip-hop wannabe, no talent, opportunistic, douche bag, gold digging, pathetic, you call that rapping, husband.

She just may leave him for you!

If she do leave him for you and you still want out, never say you am breaking up because she am little miss lushy hosebag who am usually to fucking drunk to keep her coochy out of sight of paparazzi long enough to sober up.

She just might check herself into rehab for you.

If she do check herself into rehab and you feel bad for what you say before, never show up at her rehab room within first 24 hours, reeking of Jagermiester and roadkill martini (or as me call them 'Roadtinis'), offer to buy her drink to make up for it, call her quitter when she turn it down, scream you like OLD Britney better, throw up on her bed, try to hump her from behind, pass out in you own puke mumbling something bout her moving in with you.

She just might leave rehab right then and there!

If she do leave rehab and start packing stuff for you cave and you sober up enough to know you still want to break it off, never tell here that REAL reason you am breaking up am because the carpet don't match the drapes!
(...if you know what me mean...)

She just might do something bout that!

-If she do do something bout that...


GOD DAMN IT!
ME RUN OUT OF BULLETS! What the HELL guys?!?! AM you telling me we can no afford enought bullets?!? What kind of penny pinching mother fucking tightwads bast[We here at Monstee Inc. would like to express the safty in only loading your blog with five bullets. Dispite a safty catch, many blogs (espeshally those under the new blogger) have gone off unexpectedly. Keeping one chamber free of bullets is simply the best safty mesure when dealing with a loaded blog. Thank you.]


BULLSHIT!!
Bullshit! You know me use clip! OH FUCK THIS!!
Look! Look! You want to know REAL reason little miss me-no-name do what she do? OH, you seen pictures by NOW!

There am the one where she am doing it...
And the one where she have already done it! You know you seen them! They been everywhere! But you no know that this am not first time she shave head and get tattoo. NOOOOoooooooooo...

This time she just get caught doing it. Last time she shave
head and get tattoo ON head. How me know?


Let's take closer look at them pictures.

See?! SEE?! That am NO birthmark. That am head tattoo!! Me give her tattoo of monstee couple of
years ago one weekend bender in Vegas. Me let her tattoo me head as well, but me no have heart to tell her ink no show up on Monstee's hide after week or two.

Oh well. So why she shave off hair now and show world sexy good looking Monstee tattoo? DUH!! She want world to know that when you go out with Monstee you get good head. [We here at Monstee Inc. would like to express that the previous pun was contractually obligated and in no way was anyone on the board of directors of Monstee Inc. responsible. Thank you.]

ME AM BACK!!!

Can you no believe it? Am you pinching youselves right now? Pinch youself for me as well for me can no believe it too much too! Me am back and me am blue! ME AM BACK AND BLUE!

Me know... me know... you am all out there going...

"Where ya been Monstee?"
"Is everything ok?"
"Why did you stop posting?"
"Where ya been Monstee?"
"Are we still on for hot and heavy hetero monster on girl sex?"
"This is my first time here. What's the deal?"
...and mostly...
"Where ya been Monstee?"

Well, to tell truth... me was here all along. You no see me wave when you come in? Noooooo... me had to renew driving license at DMV. (That Department of Monstee Vehicles for you all from out of town.) No, me have just started playing Yirdaki, Kanbi, and Ihambilbilg in new band and been in studio all this time. We just finish our new CD called "Every Song Ever Written!"! No! Me have strange kind of mental breakdown and could no function till next episode of "Lost"! NO! Me was plotting and scheming how to kidnap unwanted person in me recent love triangle. DANG IT! There am just on way to do it without adult diapers! NO! Really, me was in rehab all this time for me addiction to roadkill. Me was almost done too, but that bitch Lindsay Lohan wanted me bed by window so they throw me out. Me know for FACT it have nothing to do with me humping her boobs in her sleep. NO! For true me was over in Ireland with that one person who did that one thing that was so embarrassing for them and possibly group of people, industry or country. Yeah, me was involved somehow.... You tell me! NO! Me computer got really bad virus and whenever me go to log-on it vomit in me lap. No, seriously, me hate you. NO! Me get bad haircut and it only now growing out so me allow meself to be seen. NO! Truly, it was best of times, it was worst of times. NO! No lie, me was locked in back room at video processing lab for over three months and all me have to watch was some guys colonoscopy or bootleg copy of "Blues Brothers". Me watch it over and over. Me get to where me can sing along with every song, speak each line of dialog and even do some of they dance steps. Me watched "Blues Brothers" few times too. NO! Me was pinning for fields. NO! Me was trying to find out why for they have they baby goots! NO! Me was on the run from the corpse that wanted to get together and talk about old times.... (long story). NO! Me am bit of slow reader and took some time off to reread long book literary series. So, we many know where Waldo am... but why am he there? NO! Honest... Me run out of gas. Me, me had flat tire. Me no have enough money for cab fare. Me tux no come back from cleaners. Old friend come from out of town. Someone stole me car. There was earthquake. Terrible flood. Locusts. IT WAS NO ME FAULT, ME SWEAR TO GOD!!!



Oh, also...
Since me was gone me was also no reading you blogs. You post anything good? Anybody else post anything good? If me was reader of you's and commented, me am sorry, me will try to get back. If me was lurker and read you but no comment..... Me was reading you all along, yeah, that am ticket! And you people who me no read! Yeah! Me was busy reading all you posting too!! Yeah! They suck! Me not going to do that any more. You had you chance. You blow it! You blow it big time! You blow big green donkeys! Go crawl under bus and suck some antifreeze.

Ahhhhhhhh.... It am good to be home.

Tornados suck! ( or ) This Place Is A Disaster Area!

Ok... am it better to say that tornados blow? Whatever it am... it not nice.

Now, before you guys get all you panties in bunches, we all ok over this way. ...and YES, technically it no really a tornado. Oh, we had the massive bad weather, the two fronts clashing together violently, the smashing rain, the 235mph wind... just no funnel cloud. Me guess that on this end of tornado ally, weather front on top that want to get down no wait on making funnel to do it, but just said 'Fuck it!' and came down all at once.

Me am thinking, of all places me could have been last week... of all me cave openings me could have been hanging out at and currently living... why me pick middle America? The bible belt? The heart land? You know why they call it the heart land, don't you? Cause the brains not there!!!

Well kids, me wish me could tell you all that me looked the great wind in the face and stood me ground. Me wish me could tell you that me was very brave and battened down the hatches and protected everything that needed to be protected. Me WISH me could tell you the thanks to me valiant efforts and quick running round me single pawedly saved all articles and properties of me and me family... but me didn't. Me slept through it all.

When me awoke from me little nap (woke up by sound of three story oak tree snapping in two outside and taking out power lines) everything was about over. So me had time to look out window, see what was going on, say F word couple dozen times and get pets deeper into cave. What me see? hmmmm... How to describe it....

1. It was raining sideways!
2. Clouds was racing each other in me backyard at about one third the speed of sound!
3. Nine out of ever ten trees was broke. Not out of money broke, but missing they limbs, trunk snapped in half or pulled out of ground and knocked over on they side in very untreelike way.
4. The wind was making strange noise. Not the "shhhhhhh" that make you go "Ahhhhhh" on hot summer night. Not the "oooOOOOOooooooOOOOOo" that make you go "WooooOOOoo" on Halloween. NO, this was more like "OWAHOWAHOWAHOWAH" that make you go "WHAT THE FUCK AM THAT?!?!"

Me missed most of the good stuff. Like the stuff flying by the window; the cow, hen house, old lady knitting in her rocking chair, two guys in the rowboat and Miss Almira Gulch riding by on her bicycle. It was over soon and we was all pretty lucky in our little village. VERY few people had any real damage to they housed, but trees am a different thing. All over they was busted up REAL good! The city park am closed until further notice. Poor trees. We lost yardfull ourselves, but hard part was living without power... for almost A WEEK!!! NO POWER!!! FOR A WEEK!! You know what that means!

NO POWER!
NO TV!
NO COMPUTER!
NO INTERNET!
NO VIDEO TAPES!
NO DVDS!
NO HOLOGRAMS!
NO ELECTRIC STOVE!
NO LIGHTS!
NO COMPUTER!
NO AIR CONDITIONING IN 90 DEGREE WEATHER WITH AS MUCH HUMIDITY!!
NO MICROWAVE!
NO FANS!
NO COMPUTER!
NO ELECTRIC GUITAR!
Me can no play... but still...
NO RADIO!
NO MUSIC!
NO MUSIC ON THE COMPUTER!
NO COMPUTER!
NO REFRIGERATOR!
NO FREEZER!
NO ICE!
NO COMPUTER ON ICE!
NO ANSWERING MACHINES!
Phone was working fine.
NO FAXING WITH THE COMPUTER!
NO INTERNET!
NO INTERNET PORN!!!

So you see me life have been hell. But me made it back am what ever no kill me only give me something to really bitch about to others! Me know it going to take me some time to get around to reading all you blogs and getting up to date and all, so just no think me am snubbing you for no commenting like usually do.... or never do it you one of them blogs me just read but no comment on...

YES! ME AM A LURKER AT SOME BLOGS!!! WHAT OF IT?!?!?! Oh, like you really care! Pull the other one! How many comments am me gonna see that am along the lines of "Where am Monstee?" "How come Monstee been so quite?" "Did Monstee fuck off again or what?" ME know how many. About as many as concerned Emails me get. 0 you fuckers!!

Yeah, me love you too! "Oh look, there am Monstee dead in the ditch. Hmmmm, me could spit on him, but no. Me NO WANT TO WASTE IT!!!" YOU CAN ALL GO TO HELL YOU... you...

Me sorry. It just been so long that me started ranting at first thing that come along... you. Me need to vent me hate. Me gotta get started on Blut Cog about all this.

Later Kids!
XOXOXO

Insert Title Here

Hey Kids!

How you doing? Me? Well, me am

a) still alive.
b) little down in bumps.
c) bout the same as always!
d) all of the above.
e) none of the above.

Yeah, yeah, yeah... me know! You not hear from Monstee for while. You am all sitting out there saying

a) "We thought you was dead!"
b) "We thought you had quit."
c) "I'm engaged!"
d) "Where you been."
e) "What the hells with this multiple choice?"

Well to that me just say

a) Well me not!
b) No, me just take longer break than me expected.
c) Congratulations!
d) THAT am long story!
e) What? What am you talking bout? You am crazy! You am crazy person!

Me am

a) sorry me not been round to comment on you postings,
b) really bad typist,
c) extremely well endowed,
d) super genius dapper man about town,
e) Monstee,

but me have been really, really

a) busy lately.
b) bushy lately.
c) buggy lately.
d) late to business school.
e) up to no good.

You never gonna believe this but me have been really busy

a) in a contest with Barney to see who could hold out posting longer.
b) climbing up and sliding down St. Louis Arch screaming "HI KATE!".
c) Taking me gal to movie in Singapore and having to deal with guy behind us who NO stop huffing and puffing!!!
d) signing autographs posing as Kelsey Grammer
e) not getting out of bed because me so depressed that FMC am going off the market despite fact that me very happy for her.

Friends from down south called while back and ask if me want to come visit. Me always like to meet new internet friends so me go. They ask me to babysit while they go out for food for dinner. Me wished me seen that movie first, cause when penguins go out for dinner it takes like THREE OR FOUR MONTHS!!! They no drive, they WALK EVERYWHERE!! How dumb am that. So me sit on kid for few days then leave note and bring him back to cave. He good kid. He likes him beers!


a) "OH how cute!"
b) "Monstee! We didn't know you had so much ankle fat!"
c) "Penguins is practically chickens..."
d) all of the below
e) none of the above

Before we go home me take kid to big type amusement park and load him up on popcorn and chili-cheese corn dogs with extra onions and large plastic alien heads full of coke. There we decide to try to break record of longest time on roller coaster. 103 hours and fifty-five minutes. We do good at start, but he get board after bout 103 1/2 hours, so we quit. Arrow show where we was.


a) all of the above
b) "OH how cute!"
c) "Did you puke?"
d) "Penguins eat puke. If you pukes, would the little guy eat it?"
e) all of oil

Me never did

a) up chuck,
b) barf,
c) sell Buicks,
d) hurl,
e) flog the bishop,

cause me was little too busy holding on and trying to figure out what was best part of me life flashing before me eyes. When it was over me was ready to go, but kid was all wound up so me think that quick trip to petting zoo quite him down. There we see Burleson Arabians, the smallest breed of horse.
a) They was spicy!!!
b) They a all day crock pot kinda thing.
c) all of the side
d) Me know what 'flog the bishop' really mean.
e) Best thing am they come with they own floss!

So kid finally give out one humongous burp that smell like hoof, drop the hoof out his beak, and pass out. Me get him back to cave just in time to get call from me latest gal and think tank member Tara Reid.


a) "OH how cute!"
b) "OH MY GOD MONSTEE!"
c) one of the above and one of the below.
d) If you know her, she not as much a bimbo as you think she am!
e) If you no know her, she a bigger bimbo than you think she am.

She remind me that we have meeting with think tank. Now me have sleeping penguin kid with me and am going on like 8 or 9 days with no sleep so me offer to have it here at cave. Believe me, last think you want am bunch of brainy nerds hanging round you place complaining bout you snacks. Anyway... what we come up with am design for worlds largest toilet seat! It so big, we decide to keep them in orbit!


a) "OH now that's just silly!"
b) "OH now that's a great idea!"
c) "What? I'm sorry. I'm still looking at the boob."
d) the one above
e) The Great Below - NIN

So me dear friends and readers.... yeah, and YOU LURKERS TOO... me am back. For how long me not know. That was one really nice week+ off me had there. Me probably will do it again some time. But for now me got to get to reading all you blogs. Me sure me have to

a) read four or five posting from most of you
b) read Dr. Evil Scientist's post
c) keep waiting for next chapter from Dr. Maroon
d) keep waiting for anything from El Barbudo
e) post blunt cog strip
f) read the 5 or 6 chapters posted by SafeT
g) check in and see if Sara Laughing again
h) talk 'LOST' with Smacky
me) Read the 5,623 postings from Heatherfeather
j) just get back in groove.

See ya there!

Ahoy New People - Find the secret hidden message and win a prize!

(Note to old people: Me not excluding you in title, just go with it an you see...)
((Note to them that took offence to being called old people: Fuck off! You know what me meant. Old as in you not new to cave like these other shmoes me talking to. Now shut up!))
(((Note to you gits who tool offence to being called shmoe: It just sounds bad! Really, it a good name. You WANT to be a shmoe! Really. Just keep reading.)))

Me am Monstee! This am me cave. Me live here, sleep here, dream here... and sometimes... fall in love here. Oh sure, it not much. Dark, dank, slimy, smells of beer, vomit and used ky-jelly, but it am home to me and you am welcome.

Recently in many of them other peoples blogs me read me have been coming across common topic of Blogging Addiction. This get me to thinking. Me in NO way think me am addicted to blogging, because me can stop whenever me want! Really!! It no big deal. Me just blog now and again cause me like it. It am nice to get comments back from people who read you blog, but me not do it for that. No, in fact me recently check me stats and me see that me tend to get over 1000 unique people a month logging on and checking out cave. Over 100 unique people a day! That pretty good numbers for me. Oh sure, those of you who am old time cavedwellers be standing up about now saying Hey Monstee! What you talking bout? Last year you was looking ways to get people to find you blog and check you out! You started Monstee's Discount Cave Of Porn!! (p.p.) just for that reason. Am you saying you over all that?

Yes. Me not doing this for readers anymore. Sure, me get the numbers now, from all over world... but they not staying. No, sad fact am that 70% of all me traffic through cave am here for less than 30 second. They not looking for Monstee, they looking for something else. Why, just take look at what they searching for when they get here!!!

Nude - This am the number one search that bring people here. OK, me do this. Hey, what good am having Monstee's Discont Cave Of Porn (p.p.) if you not mention word nude?

Suck Satan's Cock - Ok, me can see this. Me use Bill Hicks famous quote in post around here somewhere.

reese's commercial hey you got chocolate in my peanut butter hey you got peanut butter in my chocolate - Yeah, me did do rant on this some time ago...

eat jar peanut butter a day - What the? Interesting idea, but me not know why it get you here.

nude girls - Ok, more porn.

little willys songs - Me am at a total loss on this. Did me EVER talk about Little Wills or songs about them? NO! So why they fuck search engine bring people here?

yoplait yogurt commercial - Ok, yes, me did do rant on how this thing suck!! MAN IT SUCK!!!

young nude free - Yeah, more porn.

removing gaul bladder - When, WHEN me EVER talk abuot that? Don't you thinkg that this am the type of thing you would remember posting about?

kanaan gang - Me not event know what THAT am.

taste the rainbow enema gross - WHAT THE FUCK?

ingredients mr. pib - Now this am funny cause anyone who know me know... me a pepper.

parapism - Little known fact.... That me middle name.

duct taped and tied up men photos - OK NOW FUCK YOU GOOGLE!! NO!! ME KNOW FOR FACT THAT ME NEVER, NEVER EVER TALKED ABOUT ANYTHING LIKE THAT!!!

long schlongs - NO! Fuck no!! Stop it!!

satans cock images - Not here, but at lease me understand why link get made. Me talk about Satans cock, me have images... it make sense.

shortest chain saw made - This make NO sense!! For what you need somthng like this? Playing Leatherface with mice? Never fucking talked about it! Don't sell it! Why it bring people here?!?!

sexoholic disorder - Me have mentioned Sarah haven't me? Joke!! Me KID!! That what me do!! Me a funny guy! (she not gonna hit me am she?)

dumb stuff to do online - Did me talk about this? Oh, lord only knows.

felching rimjob - Ok. Yes. Them words did appear on list when me was doing my News In Literature post. But me bet anyone who come here from tht search am going to be little bit disapointed!

stop commenting on my blog - (sigh)

large girls - porn...

sploshing - Me don't know...

two snooker balls in a sock - OK, hold it!! Why? What am point? Me know it am reference to having big BALLS or something, but me no make it!!! That not even sound like me, do it? Me have balls so big they like two snooker balls in a sock! NO!

adrianne barbeau - Of all me exes, she am only one who brings in the searches. Thanks babe!

sex girl - porn

explain the odor of chrysanthemums - Fuck off and die!

were is black water cave - up you ass?

cough chunk pneumonia - As opposed to titter slice pneumonia.

enormous schlongs - God damn it.

girls sliming each other - Who... what.... why.... HUH?

monstee machine - This just make me wonder what they was looking for when they type this into search engine to begin with!

You see? That am the type of shit that MOST of me readers am looking for. Do me oblige them, no. Me not here for that. Me here to do what ME want. That's what blogging am for me.

Oh, and regarding that prize for finding secret hidden message in post. Me just trying to get you new people to hang out more than 30 seconds!! It's ALL total wank!! HAHAHA!! IT AM THE NUMBERS! That what it all about! Me get bigger numbers, me win!!! HAHAHA!!
ME AM MONSTEE!!

Ugh!

Tag, A-Z A lot About Me

*for SOL*

Accent: Monsteespeak...you try taking with huge lower fangs in you face!

Booze of Choice: Jagermeister!

Chore I hate: Cavework

Favorite Perfume: On woman... Red... or fear. On me... whatever fresh to roll in... or beef and onions.

Gold or Silver: mmMMmmmsilver

Hometown: The onion BBS.

Insomnia: yes!

Job title: Kooky Monster.

Kids: 1 hatchling so far. Was hoping for 3 so me get one of each.

Living arrangement: Liquor in the font, poker in the rear!

Most admired trait(s): Boundless Cool - Genius - Dapper Man About Town - Godlike humility

Number of sexual partners: What you mean? At one time? Overall? Do getting a Lewinsky count? They say when you sleep with someone you am sleeping with everyone they ever slept with, so we could be talking millions.

Overnight hospital stays: When me get one of me stomachs stapled. Me tried tapping it, but it just not stick.

Phobia: Heights, live uncooked spiders, disgruntle barbers, Rhonda, suddenly shrinking down to one inch height and finding that little house me make out of lego's for me to live in have been taken apart by somebody and not put back together, being tagged to be stupid meme!

Quote: "In an insane society, a sane man must appear insane." - Mr. Spock

Religion: Monstaism

Siblings: Shmiblings!

Time I wake up: When me done sleeping.

Unusual talent/skill: Roadkill profiler, me can eat me weight in pasta, me breath peels paint

Vegetables I refuse 2 eat: The ones that say "HEY! DON'T FUCKIN EAT ME!!"

Worst habit: Killing people who tag me for memes.

X-rays: Needed to get specs to see that!

Yummy foods I make: Every thing me make am yummy!!! Why me go out of way to make shitty food?!?!

Zodiac Sign: Feces

Me will tag nobody cause me no want to get beat up... but... if you want to look really really cool... feel free!

Musical 8 Ball

ok, so Smacky ripped off sombody and Kate and Grrface ripped him off and now me am ripping ALL them off and if you wanna be kool like us, me suggest you rip me off and do this real quick on you blog. All the hip kids am doing it!

What you do am open you favorite computerized music player (ipod, itunes, whaever), set it to shuffle, and then ask each of these questions. Have Fun!

What do you think of me, itunes?
It must be love - Madness (Now that am nice!)

Will I have a happy life?
King of pain - The Police (Fuck.)

What do my friends really think of me?
Chemical Warfare - Dead kennedys (Me am NOT on drugs!!!)

Do people secretly lust after me?
Go Speed Racer Go! - Sponge (Hey! What that suposted to mean?)

How can I make myself happy?
Closer to God - NIN (...now we're back to fuck. Guess me need some churchin up.)

What should I do with my life?
Psychotherapy - Ramones (...ya trying to tell me somthing?)

Why must life be so full of pain?
Big Me - Foo Fighters (You calling me fat?)

How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
Remove Bones From Face Before Inserting In Hot Bird - NDI (if me had a dime for every time me thought of that...)

Will I ever have children?
Bizarre Love Triangle - New Order (That kinda makes sence in a way...)

Will I die happy?
Under Pressure - Queen (...ok, fat AND stress filled...)

Can you give me some advice?
The Futures so Bright I Gotta Wear Shades - Timbuck Three (Finally, somthing good!)

What do you think happiness is?
Get Down Make Love - NIN (Maybe there am somthing to all this!! Me like!)

What's my favorite fetish?
Jerkin' Back 'n' Forth - Devo (NO!!! Random chance!! That all it am, just random chance!!)

Sweet, Sweet Ranting

If you new to the cave then you not know that me hold some pretty strong feelings about some things. And some of me strongest feelings am for them people what make ads and things for us to buy things. To put it mildly, me think that at best most of them am just a bunch of stupid morons and what they do am nothing more than affront to our intelligence and am slowly helping to bring about decline of western civilization... and at worst they am scourge of demons wrought upon us by Lucifer hisself in vain attempt to lower our expectations of our own intellect and accept what am put in front of us as inevitable so we remain passive sheeple. Either way, they should most of them be taken out and shot in the head, drawn and quartered, put in iron maiden, forced to stay in small room with corpse, stretched on rack, put in the boot, forced to dance with corpse, dunked in cold water, forced to take corpse out to dinner at bad French restaurant, burned with red hot poker, forced to go to see movie "Glitter" with corpse, forced to talk to this girl Rhonda me use to know, forced to kiss corpse goodnight, made to eat glass, forced to accept cup of coffee from corpse, made to wash with draino, forced to give corpse a backrub, have their genitalia put in vice, forced to have sex with corpse, made to suck raw lemon, crucified, forced to spend the night with corpse, hung upside down and dunked in barrel of water, forced to spoon corpse, peed on, forced to have breakfast with corpse, whipped with cat-o-nine tales, wiped with cat-o-nine tales, forced to agree with corpse that "this just might work", forced to have sex with corpse again just to see, have fingernails torn out, forced to break up with corpse in small private place where they can no get away easy, set on fire, forced to convince corpse its them and not it, forced to accept call from weeping corpse, hobbled, forced to run into corpse while out with new corpse, forced to go to see corpse to get some old cd's, forced to have sex with corpse again for old time sake, & given boiling water enema. But that just me.

Now reason me bring all this up am because there am this new commercial that have been getting under me fur recently. Me not know if you familiar with Reeses Peanut Butter Cups or not, but for years now have been using basically same kind of advertising gimmick, so me am jaded to that and it not bother me so much. You know basics... Person doing something while eating chocolate at same time other person am doing something while eating RAW PEANUT BUTTER USUALLY RIGHT OUT OF THE JAR.... But that's ok cause, stupid as it sounds, some people actually do that. SO, when these two people meet, it am usually some kind of bump and they get they stuff mashed together.
"Hey! You got chocolate in my Peanut Butter!"
"Oh yeah! Well you got Peanut Butter on my chocolate!"
"Fuck you!"
"Suck my dick!"
And potential fist fight and gang war am narrowly avoided by both of them trying polluted treat and finding it am better now after the freak accident that seem to KEEP HAPPENING OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN SO MANY VARIATIONS THAT IT NOT FUNNY.... But that not the point.Now they got this NEW candy. Now me am last one to say me not going to try this. Me happen to love caramel AND Reeses very much and me wonder why they no think of this before. What get me am that with this new candy am new ad campaign where them stupid sons-o-bitches in advertising land think they being cute or something and PUSHING MORE STUPIDITY DOWN OUR GULLETS!!! LOOK... look... new commercial, and indeed whole new Reeses campaign, am having to do with NASCAR. Cause we know that ALL of America LOVE NASCAR and in no way find it boring to watch cars drive around in circles for hours and we all sit back and dream of being drivers like Kevin Harvick who just so happen to be walking down street eating Reeses Peanut Butter Cup and listening to what appear him ipod. This am perfectly normal. Many people do stuff like this everyday. And we all know how distracting it can be when wearing earphones on our ipod. So you see potential accident approaching, right? Enter Tony Kanaan, another NASCAR driver. Huh, what am the odds? But Tony Kanaan am a different kind of person than Kevin Harvick. Yes, Tony Kanaan have different tastes in treats and technology. See, him am walking down street talking on cell phone and... enjoying... hisself... nice... OPEN... jar... of... CARAMEL!! :::pant,pant::: Me comment little more on this later, but you can guess result...THAT'S RIGHT!!! As we all know from
everywhere, doing stuff while on call phone and listening to headphones anywhere but safely seated in lounge chair am NOTHING more than recipe for disaster!! A full on collision occurs and Kevin Harvick's Reeses goes straight into Tony Kanaan's... open... jar... of... caramel. :::huff, puff:::
The standard variant on the complaints are exchanged and they try the new candy. Oh sure, it looks good.Me have no problem with that! Far from it! Next time me out and about at some gas station or something, me am gonna look for them an pick one up. NO. What get me am the utter stupidity of the aforementioned exchange. OK, granted! Yes, people DO walk down streets. Yes, people do wear earphones and talk on phones and it distracts them. And YES, they even eat candy while doing it and bump into people. But never... And me mean NEVER... In the history of humanity has ANYONE... EVER... walked down the street LEISURELY CARRYING OPEN JAR OF CARAMEL!!! THE OTHER GUY IS EATING THE FUCKING CANDY, WHAT IS THIS GUY DOING? ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE HE'S EATING IT PLAIN?!?! RIGHT OUT OF THE JAR? HIS HANDS ARE FULL!! HE'S ON THE PHONE!! AM HE DRINKING IT RIGHT OUT OF THE JAR??? THERE'S NO SPOON OR ANYTHING!! HE'S EITHER DRINKING IT RIGHT OUT OF THE JAR OR EATING IT WITH HIS FINGERS WHEN HE PUTS THE PHONE AWAY!!! NO, IT DOESN'T HAPPEN!! THAT IS SO STUPID!!! Oh, oh oh!! And in the crash part of the Reeses breaks off into the caramel??? FUCK YOU!!! NO!!! Peanut butter am a thick substance. ALMOST a solid. YES, it would break chocolate bar NO PROBLEM! NO!!! Caramel am a thick viscous substance, but TOTALLY lack the resistance to even effect the thick solid chunk of a Reeses cup!! Fuck you!! And FUCK YOU Tony Kanaan! You look like an idiot!!
"Oh, I think I'm gonna go for a walk and drink my jar full of straight caramel. WOW. I need to call someone on my cell phone an tell them how good it is! Hello mom? mmMMMMMMmmmmcaramel!"
YOU STUPID FOOL!! DO YOU NEED THE MONEY THAT MUCH?!?! Why you let them do this?? Me could come up with less stupid shit!!

Look, look... Tony Kanaan am working on making better tasting caramel, he in lab coat in him laboratory... that happen to be on his stoop right by street and sidewalk. Kevin Harvick come walking by, trip and fling him Reeses into Tony Kanaan's supply of caramel.
"You FUCKER!! I'll KILL you!!"
"Bring it on, bitch!!"
And they try the new candy.

And me pull that right out of me ASS!! Fuck you add men! Give me millions of dollars and me let me come up with stupid shit for the TV! You should all be taken out and either bitch slapped repeatedly... or vomited on!

Old Stuff, New Stuff, Dumb Stuff

Old Stuff: Me was to start by saying me am very sorry for some of things me say in me last post. Me got little carried away and me let it all get to me head. Me guess that what me get for watching too much TV. So, me apologize. You am not all dicks. Some of you am bitches, but speaking of dicks....
ScarletSphinx seem to be of opinion that Mr. Satan have no Mr. Happy. Far be it from me to be one to say if or if not the Dark Lord do or do not have a wang. Dongs am just not something me spend lot of time thinking bout. But me always did think that Prince of Lies can appear as anything he want... so why he not want Johnson that am like huge? Guys with long rods seem to be more confident than those with little willys and speaking for those of us with enormous schlongs it am pretty cool.

Adrienne Barbeau did bring up good point about it being in Dictionary, and that entry am based on one of me favorite comedians Bill Hicks (God rest his soul) when he talk about rock and roll.
When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children?
I want my children to listen to people who fucking rocked.
I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit.
I want someone who plays from his fucking heart.
And these other musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against them?
Boy, do they suck. What a coincidence!
Ball-less, souless, spiritless corporate little bitches, suckers of Satan's cock, each and every one of them.
"We're rock stars against drugs cause that's what the President wants."
Aw, suck Satan's cock.
That's what we want isn't it, government approved rock n roll?
Whooh, we're partying now!
"We're rock stars who do Pepsi Cola commercials."
Suck Satan's cock. Put that big scaly pecker down your gullet. Drink that black worm jism. Drink it! Fill your little bellies. Ha Ha Ha!
Send in Vanilla Ice.
Hello Vanilla. Says here on your application, you have no talent, and yet you want to be a star. I think something can be arranged. Suck Satan's cock. Groooooh!
I will lower the standards of the earth. I will put 56 channels of American Gladiators on every TV. Grooh!! I will put all the money in the hands of 14 year old girls. They will think you are charismatic, deep and edgy. GROOOOOOOOOoooooohhhhhh....

Send in MC Hammer on your way out.

-Bill Hicks, Revelations, 1993

That good enough for me.... Except me will end this with just saying... Rosemary's Baby?

New Stuff:
Like me new Banner? It am new to the cave, but me have it for years and years. Me was using it for bookmark in moldy old box of porn. Little did me know that me idea was also idea of me new friend and our newest cave dweller (WARNING: The following link am not for faint of heart or ANYONE under age of... oh... lets be legal and say 18. Sarah am VERY open and VERY honest and not for anyone who prefer PG-13 life stile. Dang, she idles at a heavy R and cruising speed am somewhere between X and NC17. No get me wrong! Me like Sarah. Me think she am one of most funny and refreshing things me have found, but that just me. Me mean the girl can make clerk at adult "toy" store blush! heheheh... NO! You no distract me with funny things me am saying! This am you last warning! Sarah am great, but she am very raw and can have fouler mouth than me! Me think the girl sometimes gargle with douche!) Sarah! Either way it am great banner and me guess that great minds think alike! Me just not know what me am going to do with mine now.... oh well. Hi Sarah! Welcome to cave! (secret Note to everyone but Sarah: Me know, me know, me have not had much success with Sarahs in past... nor their pictures, but me think this time different. Really! She cool!)
Dumb Stuff:
Super Hero's that never made it:

1. Captain Exama
2. Major Infection and Pus-boy
3. The Metaphysical Mob
4. The Boys from Brazil
5. High Colonic the Enama kid
6. Josef Stalin
7. Random Roger and Condenser Mike
8. Ranger Dan and his big dog, Dick
or Ranger Dan and his big, dog dick
9. Yo Mama!
10. G.I. Gerbil and the Howling Hamster "Ah Woow Woooow!"
11. Agent Hairball & Coughing Kat
12. Mr. Parapism
13. Vibro Woman & Dildo Girl
14. The Black Klansman
15. Sergeant Masochist and his Drilled Privates
16. Poop Shooter
17. Little Immigrant and Banana Boat Boy
18. Crack Master and the Heroin Sheik
19. SlugMan
20. ApeFace & the Monkey Humpers

Palmetto Bugs... and You!

OK, so me had little bit of time on me paws today and decide to check up on stats for cave. It would seem that even for being only half over, January am shaping up to be pretty good month for me traffic wise. So far me already have 259 unique visitors, 14 of which have added me to they favorite places and 4 people who hang out at cave for over 1 hour (as opposed to usual less then 30 seconds). Hi new people! Don't be lurkers, me need input and ideas. Pull up moldy box of porn and we chat.

But then me glance over to Top 10 Search Keyphrases... When did me ever mention about palmetto bugs? Until now, me no remember EVER mentioning palmetto bugs. No get me wrong! Me LOVE palmetto bugs.

mmmmMMMMMmmmmpalmettobugs.....

...it just that me no remember mentioning them. Am it me? Did me miss something? Do me need to go back and reread me own archives? OK...

Adrianne Barbeau, yes!
Discount porn, yes.
Nude polar bear club... well, me did rant on stupid polar bear and me probably have talked about nude this and club that... so me guess.

But palmetto bugs? Me just don't remember that. Nor do me remember talking bout pictures of night jellyfish! Nor rigermortis of meat, picture two-faced bitch or teenage s&m, but hey, give me time, give me time.

So then that give me idea! What if me every week write little something with top searches of that week! That will get Monstee in the search engines for sure!!
So here we go....

Ich bin Monstee, der Zeitgeister!
Chapter 3 - 1/16/06
So me hear that Joe Pichler was at Golden Globes arguing with James Franco and James Frey about who got Angelina Jolie pregnant. Turns out it am clone of Martin Luther King. Idea come from Kim Mathers who am filing for divorce to peruse relationship with Sasha Cohen despite her bad case of bird flu that she got in epidemic at USC.

hehehehehehehe... Problem am then are old top searched. What am going to be NEW top searches? You got any ideas?

The fix is in

It have come to me attention that some of pics at cave have no been showing up in certain browsers or on certain computers along our info-highway.

Why you people no tell me this earlier?!?!

Many thanks to Ivar for filling Monstee in (even though me was at friends house last week and me discover problem meself). To repay kindness, you am moved to back of line for torture and ridicule... er, hazing... er, special welcoming to cave. But because you as only second to last person to be new at cave (and self confessed lurker) that only put one person in front of you....

Hello PerversoActor! Me have been to you blog.... did not understand one word. Ok, one word... maybe two. Three or four tops, but it help if me know what language it am in. Me would like to welcome you in you native language, but me not know what country you am from. Am it Hungry, Turkey, Greece?

mmmMMMmmmmmmturkeygrease....

NO! You NO distract Monstee with talk of you yummy homeland stuffed with bread crumbs and sitting in pan with mouth-watering drippings!! Me am Monstee! Me want to know why nobody tell me they not be seeing all Monstee's pictures that me be going out of way to hang on cave wall?

Me am approachable! Me am friendly! Me post me email address and AIM Handel for all to see just in case they want to reach out and say something like "Hi Monstee! How am you? Me can no see all you pictures you so lovingly hang on cave wall for everyone to enjoy! Me must be idiot!" Then me would very nicely says "NO! You am no stupid for THAT reason. That am problem with way me browser download certain pics. Me just discover it and am in process of fixing problem files.... MOTARD!!" But NooooOOOOOOOoooooo!!! You people all just go on giggling behind Monstee's back under him nose bout how he keep posting pictures nobody but him can see.

NOW me know why nobody give Monstee very many caption ideas for him funny picture.
You can see it now? If no, you going to tell Monstee? If you do see pic, feel free to go back and check out other pics you might have missed. We am fixing and updating all the time (which am definitely taking time away from developing lurker detected). Hopefully, soon ALL of me pics will be fixed and you then have NO problem seeing all Monstee's pretty pictures.

Me no like to post pictures that can no be picked up by all people... but if you have right kind of computer, link, server and browser... maybe you like to see dirty picture of last first time Monstee have sex.And before you start asking same old questions all over again...
1) Yes! She am shaving me ass.
2) NO. That am not midget arm sticking out of side of waterbed, it am blow up doll that get stuffed there somehow. Midget am taking picture.
3) Yes! Them am real tattoos on her body. Pic not so good to show all of them but there am Bat with yellow eyes, Oingo Boingo skull, chain of dancing beans, portrait of Sting (in circle with line through it), portrait of Danny Elfman (in circle with line through it), portrait of Monstee (NOTE: this am old pic. Today tattoo of Monstee portrait am in circle with line through it and next to portrait of Trent Reznor... DANG YOU Reznor! You one up me once again!), Band Logo's (The Police, The Sex Pistols, The Ramones, The Damned, The Dickies, Gen X, Misfits, Dead Kennedys, Devo, Black Flag, Sisters of Mercy, The Clash, Oingo Boingo, Adam & the Ants, Elvis Costello, XTC, Joe Jackson, the specials), Slippery when wet sign, scratch and sniff sign, Exit only sign (in circle with line through it), the covers of like the first 10 Steven King books, a shark with a MOD hat.
4) No. That am NOT optical illusion. They am that big and their spectacular.
5) NO. There am only 5 adult toys. You am counting pink one twice cause it wrap around.
6) Yes. You may download pic for you own use.


Feel free to submit caption for either pic!

Monstee gives credit where credit is due

Tam the season to be Monstee,
Fa la la la la, Mmmm mmmm mmm mmmmmmmmmmm.....

What?!?! You am saying. Monstee posting twice in same week? YES me am. Me am in such a good mood that just had to tell you guys. ...and screw you, me post as often or not at me want!

Anyway, what me love most about this time of year am that me hangover am just about going away and me start getting me belated MonstaShanah presents. Just imagine me surprise when me go to get mail and find box left at mouth of cave from "POP The Soda Shop!"

Now truth be know me was already expecting box because me secrete Santa (me know what me spelled... YOU not know what fat man do on Monster Holidays!) already tell me they getting it for me. Me not going to tell you who it am because me not want you all hounding them for free drinks youself, but me would like take opportunity to point out me really super good friend Kate before me forget. HI KATE!!! You totally rock for no other reason than you just being youself!!! Thanks for everything (if you know what me mean... wink, wink)!!! Now me not want to get into debate if Kate am nicest person in world or not, cause then we got to start comparing her to Mother Teresa and Jesus and me and we not got time for all that. But me did want to mention her because what you know? Box happen to have some of her favorite soda inside! What am the odds?!?

ABITA Root Beer/ INGREDIENTS: Carbonated Water, cane sugar, caramel color, root beer flavor, phosphoric acid

Now me was expecting good things from this drink because, 1) it am brewed like beer and 2)CANE SUGAR. Me figure, what can go wrong, but although me love root beer, me never had this Kind and really not know what to expect. Here am transcript of what go on in Monstee's head after me drink.

DRINK #1

Adult half of brain: SWEET!!!
Picky kid half of brain: What is this? This is different!
     I don't like this! I want IBC!
Man in labcoat who analyze everything: SWEET!!!
7/9ths of brain that relate everything to everything else:
     No wonder Kate's so sweet!
Super taster who like to pick out flavors in food and drink: Lord GOD that is sweet!!
Sense of fairplay: Now don't judge a soda by your first
     drink.
Inner child half of brain: Can I have another drink of that?

Drink #2

Adult half of brain: Wow is that sweet!
Picky kid half of brain: This is different! It not at all like
     IBC!
Man in labcoat who analyze everything: SWEET!!!
7/9ths of brain that relate everything to everything else:
     Kate doesn't have a sweet tooth, she had a sweet skull!
Super taster who like to pick out flavors in food and drink: OK, there is really root beer in there... sweet, but
     root beer none the less...
Sense of fairplay: You really should finish that before
     making judgment.
Inner child half of brain: Can I have another BIG drink of
     that?

Drink #3

Adult half of brain: Ya know, that's not bad!
Picky kid half of brain: I can drink this!
Man in labcoat who analyze everything: I hope we don't
     lose a foot!
7/9ths of brain that relate everything to everything else:
     If Dr. Pepper is still the best.... then this is about a
     Dr. Pep! Its right up there with Mr. Pib!
Super taster who like to pick out flavors in food and drink: Oh god, the brewing process has cooked the sugar
     into a caramel flavor the just sits under the root beer
     flavor and waits for you to find it...yum.
Sense of fairplay: I think my work here is done.
Inner child half of brain: Can I have my own bottle of that?

Drink #4+

All parts of brain: Oh wow... that's almost as good as sex.

Oh before me forget, me also want to thank Heatherfeather for what she do for me night before last. Thanks Heatherfeather!! You have no idea how frustrated me was before you do that for me! Of ALL me new best gal cavedwellers... you the latest!

Oh, NotKate also include couple of BAWLS GUARANA High Caffeine Guarana Beverage. It was pretty good too... a little lemon/limey. Once me get over fact that it come in bottle shaped like french tickeling adult toy me find if quite refreshing. Even though it it have so much caffeine it give me Van Halen Legs.

New Year, New People, Nuisance

Well that baby with diaper and sash around him neck am about here and just in time too because me like to put the hurt on that old man with diaper and sash around him neck! 2005 was not very good year for you friend Monstee. Oh sure, the food was good. Music, TV and the movies seemed to be improving. Booze seemed to flow like it had been bottled up somewhere. There were plenty of women and the sex just keeps getting better and more interesting every single week! But in 2005 me stopped smoking and me am still little pissed off bout that! Me liked smoking! It make Monstee look cool! It make me feel manly. Now it gone and what me got? Just outstanding good looks and enormous genitals. Me guess that will have to be enough.

For those of you who not know, it am well into festive time for me people and me want to take this little break from Monstashona and wish you all happy holidays of you own. Be it belated Christmas, belated birthday, belated chanukah, belated kwanza, belated Hanukkah, belated trash day, belated anniversary, belated voodoo day, belated fishstick day, belated Independence Day (Slovenia), belated Junkanoo, belated Admission Day, belated Saint Thomas of Canterbury Feast Day, belated Tick Tock Day, belated No Interruptions Day,belated Bo Diddley's Birthday, belated Leap Second Adjustment day, belated Make Up Your Mind Day, belated Cathode-Ray Tube Day, belated Winter Solstice, belated Crossword Puzzle Day, belated Forefather's Day, belated Humbug Day, belated Phileas Fogg Wins a Wager Day or whatever day you and the horse you rode in on chooses to celebrate... Me hope that whatever jolly fat pagan has you number, he/she/it sends you everything you want and half of what you truly deserve! And as you gather with you family round that tall aluminum pole, air you grievance's and perform you feats of strength, remember that no matter how great the gift/black eye/mixed drink or whatever that we get from our friends/family am... it in no way compares to the warm, comforted,completely fulfilled feeling we get when we go out of our way to have sex with big blue hairy monsters...or just give him cash if we am a guy.

And speaking of guys, me would like to take what little time me have now while family clears away feasting things and brings in drinking things to give formal greetings to new people visiting cave and NOT HANGING OUT LIKE BUNCH OF LURKERS!!

First am Sol at Hall of the Slain. Now it am true that the hall am a little thin right now, but that just because it so new. If you got there you can no help but notice new blog smell. But Sol MORE that make up for him blogging frequency being somewhere between... oh, say me and old rotten tree stump by commenting. You can no look for bugs under dead cat without finding comment by Sol. Hi Sol! Me am Monstee! Nice of you come by and comment. Me like that.

Same with ScarletSphinx at My tender prison. Hey SS! Nice you come by and comment instead of soak up all cavey goodness and NO GIVE BACK LIKE NO GOOD LOUSY LURKER!!! Like Sol, SS have what appear to be brand new blog that seem to be well under way. Good luck to both you two! You going to need it if keep coming round here....(hehehehehe)

Next are people who suck. No, not lurkers. People who comment at cave and STILL suck. Why they suck? Me not sure how answer that cause me not sure what they up to. Me not going to give they links cause when me try them me get page saying account am canceled and then me computer start doing strange things and me got to restart. Lucky me have Macinrock and nothing damaged or infected, but still since they all have addresses so similar (www.some letter two digit number some other letter.com/ ~first name ~second name) that me believe they all in this together. They also only comment to Monstee's older posts and then comments with strange things like when me rant on stupid things they say "Thanks!" What the hell am that? What the hell am going on? Me not know and me not like it so Wallace Skovira, Merrill Catchings & Rolando Durall... You all suck! Unless you prove to Monstee that you real people and not trying to fish or infect computers, me NEVER going to welcome you to cave and NEVER going to give you hard time and see if you can take it and come back to play!

Speaking of heatherfeather at Love me, love my caribou, she am only one who DARE to take Monstee challenge in me Popularity Contest! True, me no really go to trouble of actually checking her work to see if she do it all right... BUT WHY ME HAVE TOO? SHE ONLY ONE WHO DO IT! Hi heatherfeather, welcome to cave! Me have been to her blog before and me not real sure how me got there. All me know is she am real nice person even if she post stuff about THEM. Her blog am REAL clean and have smell of fresh yarn, bleach and dog hair.

mmmMMMMMMmmmmuseddoggysweater....

NO! You no distract Monstee with talk of warm fuzzy treats! Heatherfeather am only one who take challenge so she win! Now she am most popular girl in cave! (sorry Adrianne Barbeau, you had 13 days.) Now me get posting from Heatherfeather asking what she win. What she win? Well, truth am me never expect anybody win. Let me see what we got around here...
:::BUMP::CRASH::SMASH::CREEK::SLAM::drip drip drip::SMASH::CRASH::
Here we go! You win this! One genuine stuffed animal thingy guaranteed NOT be possessed by Satan or any of hims minions as long as you no look at it, talk to it, touch it, listen to it, smell it, or interact with it in any way. And for God's sake... DON'T CLICK ON IT.
(everybody else shutup!)
BUT WAIT! Heatherfeather you're today's big winner! You can either keep what you have... or trade it for what am in the moldy box of porn!
Everybody:oooooOOOOOOOOOooooooooo AAAAAAHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh......
Take you time heatherfeather, we be right back with you right after word from our sponsor.

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How many times have this happen to you?
You trolling on web looking at new blogs when you run across person who only give profile picture of part of they face. How you supposed to know what they look like? How you know if you can trust them? How you know if the two faced or not?
Well now you know, thanks to the help of Monstee Inc.'s new...
Profile Facial Extrapolator!
Yes Monstee Inc. the company that brought you Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn! (p.p.) and Monsteespeak Translator 1.0 now brings you,
the Profile Facial Extrapolator!
Simply place the picture above the buttons provided and you instantly have access to over three kinds of extrapolation! Just listen to these people!
"This outta be right." - one of our programmers
"That's ME!" - Tyra Banks
"She's HOT!" - guy on the street
"I'm suing." - Tyra Banks
But enough about them! The Profile Facial Extrapolator is perfect for parties, family gatherings, late night alone typing one handed, or just trying to find a way to end a really really long posting!
Get youself a mirror and watch yourself using it right NOW!

The Profile Facial Extrapolator by Monstee Inc.
Ask for it by name!

If me go missing, you know it am true

Well, me was going to do posting on what new people we have hanging round cave recently... but not now! NO, Kate have to go and bring up more of THEM again!

Kate, Kate, Kate....

Me understand where you coming from, but me am very sorry to tell you that them of the rock am just another offshoot of THEM that you bringed up last time! Me not go into long story about how me get in trouble with this group, but me think you need know truth!

Long story short...

Red - Sexoholic manic depressive with eating disorder. You only see her when she 'up' because when she 'down' she barricade herself in trailer with cases of chocolate covered cream filled doughnuts and half dozen vibrators.

Monkey - Ok, she have this heavy mom complex mixed with need to dominate through use of mind games and passive aggressive comments. She also WAY into anti-male lesbian feminism and GEO-terrorism. Now, mix that in with explosive rage, anger management problems and (as a juvenile) attempted rape... well, you get the idea.

Boober - hmmmm... Lets see... Adapin, Cortisol, Effexor, Prozac, Marplan, Zoloft, Pertofrane, Remeron, Serzone, Luvox, Anafranil, Parnate, Estrogen, Sinequan, Aventyl, Norpramin, Surmontin, Tofranil, synthetic serotonin, Asendin, Paxil, Progesterone, Desyre, Elavil, Ludiomil, Nardil, Pamelor, Vivactil & Wellbutrin.

Wembley - Crackhead. A real tweeker too. Me hear the he and Red went at it for like 17+ hours and still not "cross finish line" if you know what me mean. You might notice that him tail look different than others. That am because he so often tweek out and pull hair from tail out it go bald. Then he move on to pulling skin. Now all he got am nub and sophisticated & expensive prosthetic.

Gobo - One of most normal... but lets just say that he got little Michael Jackson thing going on in bedroom.









Gorgs - Mentally challenged. They all live in same half way house and am happy to work for candy.

Trash Heap - You guess it! Worlds biggest sploshing freak! Started out just doing it for pics on web site, next thing you know she needing to be covered in old food 24/7.







Doozers - Not much bad here if you approve of non-union slave labor! Less than 3% can read or even sigh they name. Whenever someone want to improve things or make they lives better... well, even Doozers have bad "accidents".

Uncle Traveling Matt - Alzheimer's. There am reason he can no find is way home. You just lucky they only show you what he doing when he happen to have cleaned himself. Some times he relieve himself and not even take him pants down.



Doc - Now HE am human person... but that no stop him from being REALLY big furry fan with multi personality disorder. Me not go into what you no know... but pray you never get to see or meet 'Nicole'.




Sprocket - Well trained dog, but me hear that he bite some kid in ass some time back so thy neuter him AGAIN and now when he not on set he am so doped up that he just lay there and drool. When he am acting, he still wear shock collar that am so strong when it zap you hear it and smell burning dog hair. No, he no act up much any more... he a good dog now.



There is more, but me will save it for another time. Next posting me hope to be making fun... er, me mean testing... er, me mean Properly Welcoming newbies to cave.

Popularity Contest

Well here it am about half way through month and me see by me stats that it am already good month for ole cave being hit on. But what get me am where all the people am coming from....

By far MOST of me hits come from Kate! Thanks Kate! Then me get hits from search engines then Sara then Lauren what appear to be people hitting "Next Blog" button from other blogger blogs then Smacky. Thanks to everyone for steering people to cave, but me had NO idea me was getting so many from search engines! What they looking for when they find me? Wanna know? Here am list of words used in they searches when they hit me! It in order of most to least popular word.

coke - commercial - penguin - porn - barbeau - legal - barley - adrianne - bear - monstee - teens - milfs - polar - discount - cave - pp - and - the - penultimate - wall - penguins - monstea - clasic - peril - coed - zombie - to - rigermortis - monster - picture - drunk - north - what - fake - of - pole - sexy - excerpt - a - head - adrienne - quizel - free - make - puff - bobble - on - movies - commercials - gallery - how - class - high - teen - you - photo - palmetto - boobs - www.meammonstee.com - gum - scurvy - goldstars - girl - english - gag - toy - mahnamahna - it - clam - wild - felching - eating - game - cartoon - sliding - tongue - jeffery - in - puss - me - prepubescent - busted - bears - pregnant - flesh - mspaint - person - am - his - reflex - trucks - family - i - death - store - go - big - pills - everyone - know - madgirl.swf - dying - 80 - pierced - gone - smacky - ball - nude - grass - nubile - foamy - dalmer - bugs - we - stupid - school - mouth - marmots - bubble - suppressing - hot - mini - fantastic - radiation - field - for - brystpule - - scan - coarse - ad - blue - golf - 3 - play - pic - 4

Me DARE you. Use em all in a sentence and win!

My Ex Is A Big Bitch

If you like me then you am getting little but sick of hearing bout fancy shmancy celebrities breaking up they famous amous relationships.

...not because you can no stand in line at store or turn on radio or TV without hearing bout them... but because you cause or capitalize on them and it make you feel little bit guilty.

Now EVERYBODY know that when there am big breakup a nice transistion monstee am just what you need to get over you bad feelings of loss and sadness and bitterness and hungry and sweaty and itchy and mopey and squishy and drunk and horny an just wanting to forget about all that an move on to something new and better and blue and hairy.

So now me question am... Do that make me bad Monstee for keeping that in mind when me hear about breakups or relationships on rocks? Me mean, when you first hear about Nick and Jessica what was you first thought? For me it was "Woo Hoo! Now me have a shot!"
Now me not going to say me have anything to do with they breakup... but me just going to say that me REALLY wanted to be there "for her" if you know what me mean..

And this not first time me do something like this. There was Jennifer Aniston. After thing with Brad she just want to get away and hang out on beach. That OK with me! Me love to rub lotion all over... WELL! You no want her to burn do you!!!

And Melissa Joan Heart. She like to walk around town with Monstee on leash, showing off she am TOTALLY over what's his name. It funny, you no think that Sabrina teenage witch am way into S&M.

And Mandy Moor? Big porn, sex club, group and sex magic freak. Me was amazed! Shocked and amazed! Pleasantly so!







And
did
me
mention Jennifer Aniston?















You know, funny thing am me seem to be missing me pictures of me and Paris. Hmmmmmm, How am THAT for irony?

Monstee Hates something on TV

OK!
OK!
You want me post more? Here am posting for ya!!

Me just now for about the one brazilionth time watched that holiday feel good Coke commercial on TV where cute and fuzzy polar bear slide down side of snow drift into happy party penguin flock... hmmm.... flock of penguins? School of penguins? Pride? Gander? OH HANG ON!!!

:::taptaptap::: ...google... :::taptaptap::: ....group of penguins... :::tap::: ...no, no, no, group of penguins... ...group of penguins... HA!! "A group of birds are called a "flock" where as a group of penguins are called a "colony"." OK.

So, me was watching this commercial where happy smiling little polar bear go sliding down snow pile and come face to face with COLONY of penguins that am all partying and drinking coke and having good time and next thing you know mama and papa polar bear am there with baby and little baby chick type penguin... chick? ARGHHHH!!!! HANG ON!!!!!

:::taptaptap:::...google... :::taptaptap:::....Penguin chick... :::tap::: ...penguin chick, Penguin chick, penguin chick, penguin chick, Penguin chick, penguin chick, Penguin chick.... FINE!

...this little baby chick type penguin pops out and cutely hops over and offers little polar bear cub bottle of coke. He/she/it drink up Coke and everyone go on having party and merry ole' Cokemass.

Why this commercial bother me so? EVERY time me see it me get SO.... Bothered!!!! Me want to SCREAM 'THERE AM NO POLAR BEARS AT SOUTH POLE WITH PENGUINS AND NO PENGUINS AT NORTH POLE WITH POLAR BEARS!!!!!'

Me not know why this am only thing that bother me. Me have no problem getting round fact that...

Happy dancing penguins am drinking out of bottles with beaks.

Coke somehow have remained liquid in tempters that FREEZES SEA WATER!!!

When little bear cub come sliding down drift, penguins just stand around looking at him/her/it instead of scattering and sliding on bellies into water.

Penguins have they chicks that close to water when we all know that penguins walk sometimes over one hundred miles from water to breading grounds! (Did we not all see March of the Penguins?)

That baby bear instinctively knows how to drink out of Coke bottle when it look like he/she/it may not even be weaned yet.

When mama and papa bear come up behind baby bear that they just wait for little chick to give baby bear Coke instead of tearing into entire COLONY and leaving snow dripping red with blood and gore and shreds of meat and half chewed feathers.

Or, for that matter why papa bear am there at all because mama bear should be trying to tear him throat out to keep him from munching down on baby bears yummy entrails and sweet, sweet organ meats.

So why only the location and mixing of animal thing? If me can take the rest of nonsense, and me not take that too? And why stupid think like that make me want to put foot through screen of TV and yell till me lungs explode and throw TV at head of advertising agent and make him/her/its brains fall out?

You tell me.

...but me have been commenting!

OKOKOKOK! So me haven't been posting much this month. Give me break! Thanksgiving am different for monsters than it am for you people! First off, it am 4 days long and we never have leftovers. You just eat till you pass out and pray that nobody force more food into you gullet while you sleeping. You think you get sleepy after you gorge? Me have you know that this time of year eating feasts often cause many monsters to drift off into monthly hibernation cycles that can last weeks! Those of us who no go into long term sleep tend to take to street in search of more turkey necks and hamhoks and bologna & potato chip sandwich and gizzards and scrapple and tripe and chitlins and monkey brains and them big bugs that they eat in Indiana Jones II (the crappy one) and soup with eyeballs and buckets of nightcrawlers and cranberry sauce and beef hearts and chicken hearts and turkey hearts and artichoke hearts and hearts are trump and are you still and reading this and or did you and or just skip and down to and the end of and the list and diamonds and clubs and spades and snips and snail's and puppy dog tails and that fuzzy stuff that have been in back of fridge for like six months that am now fuzzy and hairy and you no know if it am meat or cake but am pretty sure that it am not meatcake and some wired soup that have like hotdogs and greenbeans in it and macaroni and cheese that have been made in microwave without adding any water and Bread and apples and very small rocks and cider and great gravy and cherries and mud and churches and lead and a duck and largemough and smallmouth and walleyed too and crappies out the ass and potato chicks and cheese girls and soft & fluffy carp and the white stuff and two all beef patties and special sauce and lettuce and cheese and pickle and onion and a sesame seed bun and ROADKILL!!! TONS & TONS OF ROADKILL!!!!

So... no indifference to last comment me get on last posting (you hit scroll bar and look it up! After all that me am in NO mood to put link in there for just to take you to last postings!) Me am sorry for not posting so much lately but me have been working on stuff. Stuff you see in future... me hope.

AND, me have also been keeping up YOU and your little blogs out there. So just to fill out this little posting of nonsense, me will include last comments me make at all you blogs tonight. If you already read them... well you get to read them again. For you me will not tell who get what comment so you have to guess who get what where and so forth... ...this could be fun.

mmmmMMMMMmmmmcrappygasstationmicrowaveburgers...
When you toilet grow feet? It must have got feet if it am running!
Hehehehe!
toilet at cave grow nose... Because it am smelling!!! HAHAHAHAHA!

Me feel so bad for... what his name is. But, me also feel good for him for me know personally that life am better without really big bitch in it all of time.

Also... PEEPS?!?!?! YAHGH!! HO NO! PEEPS!!! YAAAAAAGH!!!! Peepspeepspeepspeepspeepspeespepessepeespsspseps...
ARRRGGGGHHHHHHGHGYUCKHGARRRAGRRGRGRJHRHRHABLECKAAH

::pant pant::

...how you people eat such things?

NASCAR Ice Cream?

It say it turbo-charged with rich chocolate fudge, crunchy chocolate-covered peanuts and exclusive fudge-filled race cars.

Hmmmm... Me think you should watch out eating anything that have pressurized injection system in it own engine!

Me also think you have pretty smile, but try not to do it with chunks of fudge-filled race cars in teeth.

HOW MANY TIMES ME GOT TO TELL YOU?!?! Ramones am best band ever! Me have only heard of half of band on you list and me can guess that other half am just as crappy! How you possibly describe youself as ultimate partier when you listen to such shmalts and groupie oriented music? You need exposed to other music not on radio or coming out phones of you friends! Get out on you own! Read a book too!

This have all been said with like.

IT AM PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHAT FOR SHOULD DIE!

"You might say, the secret ingredient is salt." - Marge Simpson

If you am asking me... me say that spices am the spice of life! If used properly, them can turn the most mediocre cook into a spicy tasty not that bad cook. Me know me had cooking window opened when me learned what to do with Basil and Shallots.

P.S. Me am surprised that no one mention anything about if wife have nice rack to use with spices. Me guess that am me job to make such lowbrow humor, but me not going to do it! Nyea.

Nice. Me like!

Me refuse to believe one word of you posting. Why? Because me know for fact it have at least ONE lie in there, and if there am one lie, then can be others. What lie you ask? That one about girls gone wild girl. Me know for fact that them girls am NOT real. They am robots or puppets or something. Me refuse to believe that they am real... for with me being so old... it just too sad to think what me am missing.

Oh sure, there am easy ones like...
"To get to the other side."
...but you looking for funnier ones like...
"Walk out? Help me find my keys and we'll drive out!"
"Me Injun Joe. Me check for bees."
"Hilittleboy.""Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii..."

It's peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time
Where he at Where he at Where he at Where he at
There he go There he go There he go There he go
Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly
Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly,
Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat...

Well.... shit.

Ok, so me not been around much lately but hey, me been sick.

Well... Me guess me am still sick, but me hope to be getting over it soon. Me have for some reason got big infected tooth! Can you no believe it? ME! With infected fang! At first me think it was just massive indigestion from eating giant four foot ball of hair with bullseye taped to it, but no. Me have bad in me mouth and me have to do ME time at dentist to get it fixed. The tooth have already half exploded from me chewing on me hard crunchy things... and while me waiting for appointment, it get infected. Me did not think there germ out there that want to live in me body. Me guess contrary to all hate mail me get over LAST post... Monstee really am sweet.

Well kiddies, to tied you over while me drooling on couch watching infomercial and The View, me have gathered up all postings from Sarah's place having to do with Bear Story and posted them in back of cave. (For those of you who no know, back in early-mid September Sara stay away from her blog for long time and people start treating her comments like chat room and some of us start entertaining ourselves by writing cute little story about a Bear.)

Feel free email me with additional chapters if you want, just try to keep consistency of project.

Wish me well kids! Me like going to dentist bout as well as me like going to... oh, let say hell. But till me start feeling better, you work on story and here am things to think about:

1. Why we always telling kids to be good and not take candy from strangers, then on Halloween we dress them up like evil things and make them take candy from strangers?
2. Am there anything more disgusting than mouthful of puss? (now me know where you gutterminded people am going, but when you start getting mouthful of THAT every 20-30 minutes all day long then we talk. (and when we talk me say you made bad career choice))
3. You ever notice how there am no rule when you add funny and sad together? You never know what you going to get. Me mean, clowns am funny and crying am sad. If you add them together... crying clown am sad. Now, walking in on someone masturbating in bathtub am funny... buuuut walking in on clown crying while masturbating in bathtub am fucking hysterical!
4. Do dung beetles poop? If so, am that not like pooping you own food?
5. If you could poop you own food, what would you poop and would you eat it?

Discuss.

:]

News In Literature

Important facts that you may not know about next Lemony Snicket book, The Penultimate Peril. (this am mainly do to fact that grrface get tons of comments when she post about book)

Words that no appear in book:
1. rimjob
2. prepubescent
3. prostatectomy
4. frotteurism
5. speculum
6. brystpule
7. gynecomastia
8. bukkake
9. priapism
10. felching

Terms that no appear in book:

1. jailbait sandwich
2. driving down the Hershey Highway
3. carpet licking
4. puffing on the meat cigar
5. Bending to the will of the one eyed purple warrior
6. Dialing zero on the little pink telephone
7. BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend)
8. pimp juice
9. If There's Grass on the Field, Play Ball
10. Letting the crotch lizard terrorize the tiny town of pinkville

Excerpts that no appear in book:
1. "Oh my," said Klaus. "Either I'm swelling or my trousers are shrinking. Now this can't be right!"
2. Throwing the feather boa around his neck, Count Olaf stopped to admire himself in the mirror. The garters could be higher, the bra could be tighter, and the black panties could be smaller. Oh well, at least now he could relax and be grateful that he no longer had to wear those disguises.
3. Once again Violet had to distract Count Olaf while the others continued the plan. The tin cans and rubber bands made excellent knee pads and she was glad for the opportunity to test her newest invention. Although she had emptied the glass over an hour ago, the liquid was still suppressing her gag reflex beautifully.
4. The words Sunny Baudelaire used were not nonsense. If any of the doctors present had had half of her intelligence, or half the experience of her siblings, they would have recognized what she was saying as "There's blood when I wipe,"
5. For Beatrice- During our last love making, I felt so alive. I wish you had been.

Virus WARNING!!! (and me speaking from experience)

If you receive email entitled
"Bedtimes"
delete it IMMEDIATELY.

Do not open it!!

Let me tell you, this virus am pretty nasty. It not only erase everything on you hard drive, but it also delete anything on you external disks within 20 feet of you computer! It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of you credit cards. It reprograms you ATM access code, screws up tracking on you VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program you cell phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.

This virus will mix antifreeze into you fish tank!

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL you beer.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace you shampoo with Nair and you Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave toilet seat up and leave you hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to full bathtub. It will not only remove forbidden tags from you mattresses and pillows, it will also refill you skim milk with whole milk.

***WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that you right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite person or furnature nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone!!!

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX, and just look at you, how pitiful - you're on the computer!!!!

Peace starts with a smile!

Why me need help

Ok. When me ask you what you think, me was expecting few of you come back with witty comments bout who me try and put in me first fake photo that use to be perfectly good picture of Monstee meeting what's her name at what's her name's birthday party but am now going to be Monstee meeting someone else at what's her name's birthday party!


Me was willing do all the work. Me was willing take all responsibility for having fake picture on web site. Me was not going to claim it being real... But me did need help thinking what to do. Why? Because me have problem coming up with good idea and not second guessing meself.

Like, me first idea am Adrienne Barbeau! But then me get to thinking that she am already friend and how am it that me meet person that me already know at what's her faces birthday party? Me worry about this for days hoping SOMEBODY give Monstee new idea.. but then on "Talk like pirate day" me think of using pirate. But that only good for one day. So then me think of..




Jessica Alba!


But then me realize that me was just thinking of her because she am one of most common names googled right now. Plus, like SHE really going to show up at who'zits thingy-dingy. She am TOTALLY to popular for that. Me not need use her name just to get people come see Monstee's cave. Me have porn for that! And thinking of porn... me then start thinking of rock star...




Courtney Hole!


See what me mean?!?! It take me 4 tries till me get around to something that am showing boobies! ...er, boob. ...eh, that am boob aint it? Anyway, so then me think that this am not so wholesome and me need to go more family oriented when me claim to meet people at Doowankas's Watchamajigger. Now you tell me, who am more wholesome and family oriented than....




That Actress That Play Marge Simpson!


But then me remember that we use go out in college and me no want to open THAT old can of worms. It not end all that well and we not really friends today... even though she never get where she am today if not for her really, REALLY liking color of Monstee's hair and having custom dye made in just that hue and then... no, no.. me not go there. Anyway, at this time me panic and just start grabbing at anyone that me might have met at whiny's crabfest. And me mean ANYONE!! Like...




A Smoking Monkey!


A 57 Chevy!


An Extra, Extra Supersized Order of Fries!


So now me still no know what to do!
Oh, me am going get something to eat.

Monstee Music (Part 2 - minus the bear)

Me newest CD am already about two years old. Not that me have had it that long, me just get it! But it have been out while and me not lay paws on it till me good friend send it to me in mail. She know Monstee am big, BIG Ramones fan and also know that Monstee like other bands too. So it am not hard to think that Monstee would like Ramones songs done by other bands on this tribute album called


"We're A Happy Family"
When me first get CD me open it up and read liner notes on little book that am included with CD. It am VERY long and about how all tribute albums suck, except this one. For some reason me not stop reading till the end and after what seem like 3 or 4 chapters we find out it am Steven King. That pretty cool considering me know him am really big Ramones fan...as well as being Heavy Metal fan and fan of Disco (go figure).

So me listen to CD for like 4 or 5 times before me can get jaw off floor and eyes back in skull. It am good. It am REALLY REALLY GOOD!

OK, like you got bands doing songs that am pretty close to what you know by the Ramones, but in maybe a little more slick and produced with noticeable different singer... but they still keep the heart and soul of song in tack and it am clear they am fans. Here me am referring to bands like Eddie Vedder, Pete Yorn and Rooney. They do REALLY good job but it am just kinda strange hearing.

Then there am the bands that do great covers, but add something. It still the same song, but clearly have new and different sound to it. Coodoes to whoever picked who do what song because it am very good choice and kinda makes sense. Me NEVER would have thought Metallica would do such good job on "53rd & 3rd". Garbage "I Just Wanna Have Something To Do" and KISS "Do You Remember Rock 'n' Roll Radio" am nearly perfect examples of great covers taken one step toward the bands own sound.... OH, and Greenday was made to cover "Outsider". Good for The Offspring for getting the ever popular "I Wanna Be Sedated". They were almost perfect except they took the road of MOST bands that cover that song and GOT THE FUCKING LYRICS WRONG!!!! IT'S TWENTY TWENTY TWENTY-FORE HOURS TO GO! NOT TWENTY TWENTY TWENTY-FORE HOURS AGO!!! AAARRRRRGGGHHH!!!!

:::pant pant:::::


Oh, then there am the songs that am just WILD to here the bands version. It am still good, but almost completely different song. Red Hot Chili Peppers doing "Havana Affair" am one thing, but leave it to Rancid to take the ultimate punk song "Sheena Is A Punk Rocker" and make it MORE punk! The Pretenders have the longest song on the CD with "Something To Believe In". This am one of me favorites, but it am so strange hearing it so slow. Me think the biggest deviation from the norm and bands like Rob Zombie doing "Blitzkrieg Bop" and Marilyn Manson doing "The KKK Took My Baby Away". They am the same old songs we know and love, but here they sound like Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson song. Also, could there be better song pick for Marilyn? Maybe "Psycho Therapy"... hmmm. Anyway, along same lines me found Tom Waits "Return Of Jackie And Judy" good, but almost unrecognizable, and hearing U2 do "Beat On The Brat" kinda makes me laugh. Me just can no stop smiling when me hear angelic, melodic, save the world, Mr. Bono going on about beating on brats with baseballs bats!!!
It am SO great!!
So if you no can tell by now me really love this CD. Also, you may be telling that me not usually write music reviews. That am true so me will stop now.

Ok, me give you two more really fast ones.

1. Me am beginning to like Korn.
2. MTV do not necessarily suck big green donkeys, but it do have little that interest me at this time. Maybe me just need to listen more and give it time.


Thanks Kate!
;]

Me am Monstee!

You are a Black Coffee in a Dirty Cup with a Blue Hair in it

At your best, you are: low maintenance, friendly, and a garbage disposal At your worst, you are: cheap, angsty and smell of porn You drink coffee when: you can get your paws on it Your caffeine addiction level: so high as to be off the freakin charts

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

Your Blogging Type is Cutting Edge, Amusing and Sex Godish

You're a legendary storyteller, and you amuse many with your anecdotes and nearly psychic insights. In fact, you can turn the dullest part of your day into a colorful event (that is usually blue). You're also up on what's new and cool - from fashions, to links, to gadgets, to the pleasures of a woman. You're the perfect combo: down to earth, funny, a little mischievous, and the greatest lover on the planet.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

You Are Coffee Ice Cream in a Dirty Bowl with a Blue Hair in it

Energetic and lively, you are always on the go, go, go Speed Racer go!. You're doing a million things at once and doing them so well that only a fool would question you. You tend to motivate others, raise spirits and "excite" women. You are most compatible with chocolate ice cream (who REALLY wants to go out with you, if you like her, because she likes you. If you want, I can pass her a note in gym next hour.).

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

Your IQ Is 185

Your Logical Intelligence is Better than a Vulcan Your Verbal Intelligence is beyond Words Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Exceptionally Sexy Your Overall Brainpower is Stronger than the Lord of Sith

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

You Are a Boston Terrier Puppy with a Bad Smell and snot problems

Aggressive, wild, blood thirsty and rambunctious. Deep down, you're just a cuddle monster that wants to hump a leg.

What Breed of Puppy Are You?

You Are Ugly Used Underwear!

Comfortable, soft and broken in, more people like you than let on. But it's very difficult for you to show yourself in public. You smell and you may have holes.

What Crappy Gift Are You?

You Are A Sexual Butterfly

You love your friends so much... Biblically! You're motto is "the more, the merrier"! Making sure everyone's included is your mission of love And you always prefer a group of ten to a group of two... in bed.

What Kind of Friend Are You?

Me have totally awesome set of tools

What? Monstee am posting more than once a week? Yeah, yeah, yeah... screw!

This post am in response to recent IM me get from lurker who wish to remain nameless. They say that they like visit Monstee's cave to look at funny pictures Monstee change. Me just want to respond thusly:

ME NEVER CHANGE PICTURE IN ME LIFE!!!

It am true! Me no CHANGE pictures, me analyze them. There am big difference. When you change pic you make it look different than it did by adding new stuff like cars, taking out stuff you no want like ugly people and changing the look of what am there like airbrushing boobies. What am left an what you want, but it am changed. Me NEVER do that. Me have really good set analysis tools that let Monstee look over pic file (inside and out) and whatever me find when me analyze, me can bring out. It am nothing new and me not take nothing away! Me just showing what am already there, but hidden by other stuff in file and using THAT stuff to hide what am already obvious. Not a change, just an analysis. You want proof? Ok.....

Here me am giving you access to 3 of Monstee's old pic tools. You no pay for nothing so me not giving you ability to save pics you analyze. First we need pic. Let's take one from.... oh, lets say Kate. We not picking on Kate, we just using pic of Kate's friend from Kate's blog.

1. Emotion Tool: This am really cool tool that bring out hidden emotions of people you have in pics. Most people never realize how much data digital camera pick up when you use it. It get all kinds of stuff that you never see unless you analyze pic with tool like this. Press button, and move tool around. You see!

2. Fluid Tool: You ever see that light they use to show spots and stains from "bodily fluids"? This am same thing. You eyes no see it, but it there and camera pick it up. This tool make it possible to see it. Press button and you get tool. Turn light on tool on with little yellow button and move tool around and you see.

3. Wackamole Tool: With this tool you analyze.... um.... well.... Ok, me not know what you analyze with this tool (it come bundled with bunch of others). But it do use hammer and pump to bring out hidden wackamole traits in subjects.

full scale version

NOW you see what me mean? Pics on me blog NOT EVER BEEN changed!

Me think me prove me point.

Monstee's Bits and Pieces

Me am sorry me have no posted so much for so long... but me have been getting caught up doing other things.... me have been thinking bout posting... but just never get round to finishing good chain of thought to put down in post.

So here am bunch of junk me may never get round to finishing...

1. Did you know Fats Domino was stage name? It true! Him real name Lardass Backgammon.

2. The Evil G'Kar is stealer of planets and need to be destroyed! Me say band together galactic empires and wipe scourge from stars so Little Red of the Riding Hoods can get her planets back.

3. Shirly's daughter worked in that building.

4. Me only have seven teeth. Me counted! Me only have seven and they all fangs and they all on bottom.

5. Me have not name dropped in while.

6. Me am glad Jenny McCarthy am back on TV. Me know she take time off for having babies and all that, but what with what happen last time we see each other, me never know.

7. Me was in New York few weeks ago. Best thing that happen there am Birthday party of me friend Sara Brown. Here am pic of me and her at her party. Me not so sure she remember me being there. She am pretty drunk at time. She drinking this lemon/beer-booze... Like Mike's Hard Lemonade but with extra balls!

8. Me not really like corn on cob. (see #4 above) It Ok, but me like it better off cob and cooked with garlic. mmMMMMmmmmmgarlicorn!

9. Me have no smoked for over month now. Please no congratulate me. If you do, me will have to stab you in face with ballpoint pen.

10. Looking at me site stats me see some strange things. Me knew me had traffic from strange places, but.... It seem that two of top search phrases am "Adrienne Barbeau" and "sexy bubble gum teen". This no make no sense to me. Me good friend Kate say she get phrases like "Eating expired pasta" and "Hideous sandwich". Me can see that!!! When have me ever talked about "sexy bubble gum teen"? Adrienne Barbeau me understand too. She am one of me lurkers that me no mind her not commenting. Me understand. Hey Adrienne, we need hang out again soon. Just you & me this time, we ditch swamp thing and take off! What you say?

11. Me also see that 93% of people coming to cave only stay here less than 30 seconds. WooHoo!!! All them hits and me no got to worry bout entertaining them! HAHAHAH! In interest of getting more people like them, let me just say that at Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn (p.p.) you can download nude pics of Britney Spears in the nude for free as soon as we get some and are sure we not get sued for it. Same go for Nude pics of Jessica Simpson nude free pics and nude fantastic 4 nude Jessica Alba nude download free now as soon as nude and free download as soon as me get some for you to. :]

13. Me have noticed that me tend to drop numbers when me making list of things. Why am that?


Well that am good bakers dozen. Me hope to have special project up and running soon.

New cave, New Post!

Hi kids!

Well here we am. Me have new cave at new address that am little deeper in big woods next to info highway we call internet. It am nice. As far as me can tell movers move everything over good. And me mean everything! They even move over old moldy box of porn! To tell truth, me have not taken time to look over ever nook and cranny, so if you notice nook or catch cranny that no look right, you let me know and me either fix it or ignore you ASAP. Me guess me should check everything out... but me not want to. Me having enough problems keeping up with other blogs for reading, doing all things in personal life and trying to post more than once week. Sometimes me get bushed! But now me going to steal... er me mean take idea from some other blogger who name escapes me and just list bunch of crap that need to be said.

First off, sometime when me mistype word "crap" me mistype it "crape". Me guess me "e" claw am just to speedy for me own goode! mmmMMMMmmmmcrapes!

Me have not taken opportunity to thank me good friend, host and sponsor Kate for setting Monstee up in new cave and giving him all the shiny new backend stuff and file space. If you no know about all this, me not going to link it. You find it youself. That what me did. Me am still getting use to it and it am seeming pretty cool. Thank you Kate!!!

As me have said in past, me am aware that me have lurkers. If you not aware of term, lurker am person who read postings but never comment. Me know you am there. You know who you am. Me was going to use this posting to out one or two of you and pass on funmakings and ridicule... but me decided not to. THIS AM YOUR LAST CHANCE. All you need do am comment and then you no longer am lurker, you am reader. Reader/Lurker... it up to you. Me know where you live/post/eat lunch/get you pictures developed/go to have smoke at break time. If me no have embarrassing pictures, me can get them!

-------------------------------------------------------
In recent post, Smacky say this... " I'm glad the surge in popularity in the zombie genre finally allowed George Romero (the king of zombie films) to get his fourth one made. I also hope it doesn't suck. At least they're not fast-moving zombies. WTF is up with that?"

Since him seem to forget that Monstee am best resource for all things Monster, me will explain topic here. Now, there am in fact five distinct types of zombies... Starting from worst to best there am....

Zombie Punk
These am not really zombies in true sense or term. They am just bunch of young people on drugs who sit around and veg out like zombies until they think you have drugs or money to buy drugs and then they mob you. No flesh eaters here... unless one REALLY freaks out, and they as easy to kill as anybody on street. You can kill one with fork if you really try. They about as fast or slow as they drug abused bodies and minds will allow.

Voodoo Zombie
This am true Zombie, but not monster type or undead flesheater. This am person who am unlucky enough to tick off mean ole' Voodoo man and let him blow puff of zombie powder into face so they go into trance like state where everyone think they am dead. This last long enough for weepy family to do funeral and put person in ground and go on with lives. Then mean ole' Voodoo man come and dig up coffin and go through song and dance like he am raising dead. What he really doing am waiting for zombie powder to ware off and person to come back to normal. When they do they usually been driven crazy by "dying" and being buried and dug up and "brought back to life" and they think they am zombie and do whatever mean ole' Voodoo man say. This am still living person how you kill same as anyone and tend to be kinda slow due to being driven crazy and all. They still can have crazy frenzy freakout, but usually are to depressed about being zombie.

Zombie Curse
Well now we get to first of undead monster type zombie. This am dead person who am cursed and not allowed to leave they dead body. It am pretty good curse. They got to just sit around all day and feel theyselves rot! Curses vary in exactly what they do. Some let person be same as they was when they was alive, sept now they am walking corpse. Some curses just animate dead body to walk around and do what they am told to do. In last case zombie and mindless stupid thing that take you literally and do what master say... but me wouldn't want it drive me anywhere! Still no crazed flesh eaters here... unless you curse someone like Jeffery Dalmer like type one or order your type two to eat people. Also them am still easy to kill. Massive damage to body will rekill them. We not talking like stabbing them in stomach or anything... we talking multi-dismemberment or disemboweling or just cutting them in half. This not always hard to do as all type two mindless zombies am slow stupid things but type one personality zombies can be as fast as they body allow until it start rotting and giving out on them.

radiation Zombie
OK! Now we getting somewhere. Here am the first of the flesheaters. These am the monster type zombies that am in the old George Romero movies. When they not in black and white, they tend to be somewhat blue colored. It am pretty sky type blue. In them old movies they say they not know why dead am up walking around and eating people, but if you listen real close near beginning of first black and white film "Night of the Living Dead" then you hear that satellite NASA send out to Saturn have come back to earth and am giving off strange radiation. Am there coincidence? These zombies am dumb! They run on base instinct and are driven with lust for human flesh! Yeah, it have been proven that given time and positive reinforcement they can be taught simple tricks and can feel some basic positive emotion, but over all, they just want to eat you. They am slow because of lack of brain energy to keep them going, but when they up close they can jerk around and bite you pretty quick. They also like to mob you and share you like a buffet! Harder to kill than any before, you need to damage the brain. Smash it or disconnect it or hack it into bits or blast hole in it.. whatever as long as it stop sending energy to body. Short of that, whatever you do they just keep coming to eat you flesh. Oh, also if you have radiation zombies running round, if they not eat you all up then in time you going to become zombie too. They claw and bits WILL cause infection that kill you, but even if you die from say, slipping in tub, if they around you going to become one of them.

Toxic Zombie
Now these am the worst! There am two types of Toxic Zombies, Bio toxin and Chemical Zombie. Both are really fast and both are kinda smart. Chem zombies tend to be a bit smarter and don't have need to eat you flesh, they want you brains! Chem zombie start out like type one curse zombie above with persons full personality in dead body, but as rigermortis and bloating set in it get so painful that something go snap and they know that only thing that stop pain of being dead am eating living brains! Brains!Brains!Brains!Brains! Chem zombies have been known to use advanced tools such as radios to call for fresh brains. Now bio toxin zombies are smart too, but driven by some sort of rage or fury that override they smarts. They about as smart as any angry vainy soccer dad having full out I'm going to kill you type fight with blind umpire who make bad call on their kid. You know the type. Instead of hitting though, they again want to eat you flesh. And what am worse am that they want flesh as fresh as possible. If they take down neighbor and start eating and you walk by and say "Hey, what cha eaten?" then they see you walking round and know that waking flesh am fresher so they go after you! Because after all, they want fresh flesh DAMNIT! Both types carry the toxin in they mouth so if they bite you it will get infected and you will die and become one of them. Biotoxin zombie can be stopped with the brain damage thing, but chem zombies can only be stopped by full out dismemberment( which leave you with pile of twitching limbs and things) or full damage to entire zombie, such as burn it all up or dissolve it all in acid. Short of that, they gonna try to get you brains!

Me hope this explain a thing or two.
Glad me could help.

Monstea?

Me good friend Kate post a picture of her new Tea Shelf. Now Kate like tea. She REALLY like tea! She like tea so much that me think me start calling her Katetea!

Me have nothing against tea. Tea am good. Tea am almost good as coffee, and you know me like me coffee! When you live in cave like me do, you learn like worm drinks that comfort you when it damp and chilly. Me like to mix me tea. Me mix up batch of Green, Black and Earl Gray together. It look like camouflage! Me mix in other tea one time, but was oohot and took oolong to ooldown. Me point? Me am Monstee! Me like tea... but not as much as Katetea like tea.

When she post about her tea she ask:
So ... is it overkill? Am I obsessed? Just wondering...
Me no think it am overkill. If she use tea as furniture... THAT am overkill. Me know think she am obsessed. She talk about lots more stuff than tea... but never crumpets... hmmmm... why no crumpets with tea?

mmMMmcrumpets

NO! Amount of tea am not problem. KIND of tea am problem! Me show you. Look here at bottom of tea shelf. You see box of tea? It look like harmless box of tea sitting on floor with other kinds of tea, do it not? Well it am NOT! Me spot this tea first time me see picture and it make me wonder just what all kind of tea it am that Katetea am drinking. Katetea say she like all kinds of tea. Well now we know that am all too true! This am MONSTER tea!! [YOU GASP HERE] Yes, you hear me, MONSTER tea! Me have been seeing this tea in caves for many years of me long life. You take look at close up of box and you see what me mean.

SHE WHAT ME MEAN?!?!
Oh Katetea, we know you love you tea. We know you no live without you tea. But you should no be drinking monster tea. Me know, me know... it am best tea going with roadkill... but that no excuse! Me see plenty other strange and bizarre tea on shelf for you. You drink goat tea, way tea, golf tea, natalieblairntoo tea, avast ye may tea, hoit tea, toit tea, na tea, pout tea, snoo tea, froo tea, warrenbay tea, que tea, patoo tea, shakeyaboo tea, doo tea, yeah tea and fasola tea... but please, PLEASE you no drink the mons tea.

Oh yeah?

Two things have come to Monstee's attention:

1. There am lurkers hanging round cave.
You know who you am! You people who just hang round and no say nothing. Oh sure, you like coming to cave, you like seeing what Monstee up to this time, but you NO comment... You NO send email saying how much you no understand what am going on... You just hang round in cave soaking up funness and joy and no bother to give back so Monstee get new ideas on how to reticule you and make fun... er, me mean inform and entertain you! Yeah, that am ticket!

NO!

You time am limited. Just by you looking round and no commenting you give Monstee IDEA supreme! Me am now going to begin work on new lurker detector/tracker. HA HA! Soon we all see who you really am! HA HA!

2. Some people out there no think Monstee am cute and yummy. They think me am some sort of poopyheaded!

NO!

Me am no poopyheaded! Me am Monstee! Me have always been cute and lovable! You want proof? Here am some baby pictures straight from Momstee!
Am that not most cute and adorable thing you am seeing for long time? This am picture of Monstee just after me hatch. It was big job cracking way into big bad world. Me was tired!But not so tired that me no hear clickity click click of Momstee's camera. Me not know what it am at first... but me soon find out.
mmMMMmmmcamera

Me am going to see Momstee soon on Momstee's day. If you have any questions for Momstee, me will be glad to ask her and post her replies in upcoming post. Until then... BASK IN GLOW OF WARM AND FUZZY PICTURES OF YOUNG MONSTEE!!! BASK AND KNOW AWWWwwwwww!

Monstee explains a few things

For a few days now me have been getting email type comments from people who no want to post publicly about Monstee's last post and comments posted there. If you read last post then you know what me mean, but if you now read it then don't! There am no reason to! It am just the same lame old post by Monstee saying bunch of crap that you no want to here... you best never going back there and ever reading it or the comments. That way you never feel need to write Monstee email with comments like...


"DUDE! BUSTED!!"
"Was that for real?"
"Looking for not expensive high-quality software?"
"What?!? I thought we were exclusive!!"
"YOU FOOL! You almost gave us away, but I think my comment threw them off track..."
"I"M NEVER KISSING YOU AGAIN!!!"
"Do you always talk like that?"
"...god, my loins ache for you!"
"I know you keep saying Monstee's not gay, but really if you..."
"Now, who are you REALLY?"
"I'm sorry I yelled and I'm sorry I said that. You know I will kiss you again."
"What do you mean 'What am loins?' You're on the internet, the sum total of human knowledge and you can't even look up a simple word like 'loins?' Wow, are you lucky you're so good in bed..."
"I am getting a kitten today which I am much excited about and is for petting and playing with and not for eating. I repeat, it’s NOT for eating."
"You have been blocked from further comments on this blog."

As you can see everything am perfectly normal in every way. Nothing am going on behind you back. Nothing am happening under you nose. And if you am angry husband type or pretty girl that am having secret affair with Monstee under nose and behind back of husband or other girl that Monstee am secretly seeing... then there am no reason to beat Monstee up for anything because as you see for self, nothing am going on! Everything am fine..


Me am Monstee.

Choosy Monsters Choose...

OK, so Kate leave this hanging round her blog...
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Either leave your answers or a link to your webpage with your responses.

Would you rather:
1. your ears be bleeding OR your eyes?
2. smell like vanilla cake frosting OR fresh-cut lime wedges?
3. get comments on your hair OR your smile?
4. have an addiction to coffee OR an addiction to bubble gum?

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Now me sometimes have problem answer thingys like this and you see why it upset Monstee so much...

1. ...your ears be bleeding OR your eyes?
Me pick ears, but only because it mean that then me HAVE ears! This question am ANTI-MONSTITE! You no know how questions like this am for me people! Look, look... Which you rather get cut off in car accident, toes or antenna? SEE!! See how it feel!!!

2. ...smell like vanilla cake frosting OR fresh-cut lime wedges?
Vanilla cake frosting OR fresh-cut lime wedges? Am that frosting on vanilla cake or vanilla frosting ON cake?? AND WHAT DIFFERENCE AM IT IF IT WEDGES?!?! Never have Monstee noticed wedgy undertone to fresh-cut lime sent! [sigh] Me go with limes... But me want it on record that me prefer lime RINGS smell to wedges.

3. ...get comments on your hair OR your smile?
[shaking hard trying not to explode] THAT DEPEND ON COMMENT!!!! Look, look... "Gee, your hair smells terrific!" vs. "Dude, your fang are creeping me out." am TOTALLY different than "Nice hair, find any spiders in it?" vs. "Oooo, I love your pearly whites!" ARGGGH! "Blue" and "Long" am both comments about me hair and teeth, but me no prefer either!!! If you talking abut complements then SAY complements!!!! Great, now me bleeding from me eyes... ok, me pick smile.

4. ...have an addiction to coffee OR an addiction to bubble gum?
Now this am a good question. It am straight forward and to point and am something me know about... Addiction! Monstee am heavy smoker. Me go through 1 1/2 to 2 lighters a day. For this me want bubble gum, but me want coffee flavored bubble gum! Me love coffee too, but me not addicted. Me going to drink some now.

mmmMMMmmmmcoffee.

That so good, me drink another pot.

MMMMmmmmMMMMMcoffee.

Thatwas goodtoo. Megonna drink anotherpotnow.

MmMmMmMmMmMmMmMcOfFeE!

Melovecoffeesomuchthatmenotknowwhatmedoifmenogetmecoffeethatkeepmonsteegoing.
Ohyeahmealsosometimeslikeflavoredcoffeelikethisherethatamsomeflavorlikemapleortreesquirrel orsomethinganditamsoundingsogoodrightnowthatmethinkmewilljusteatitstraightandnotbotherbrewitupinpot!

mmmmmcofygrnds!

mntknwwhymlkcffsmchbtmnwthkmgnnatmrcfgrnds!

mmm!


{beep}

Monstee goes public and risks his life to talk to Kate

In recent comments about lists of smell, Kate had to go mention THEM.
Oh Kate! (putting head in paws)

Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate. Why you have go mention THEM?
Me know, me know... you not know what you asking... but you did ask. Now me could make up big lie and try blow smoke up you skirt and give some witty type smartass remark, but that what got Monstee in trouble last time. No, me not going to make that mistake again. Me like new cave. Me not want move again. If me can no get around people asking Monstee about THEM, then me just going to have to tell all and hope it am enough to keep Monstee from disappearing. You see, Monstee know too much. Monstee know so much that me get little message from THEM. They say that if Monstee tell what he know then they might loose jobs and they might need find new street to live on. They say they no want to move and no like new street that happen to be named "Kill Monstee" street. Now Monstee no want anybody go live on "Kill Monstee" street. So he stop telling what he know, pack up him things and move. When me make new start me thought it better to just say they no real and avoid whole matter altogether. But NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Kate have to go and sir up big mess all over again, get Monstee's tiny little inner voice squeaking at him again.(me call him squeaky) And me am no going to move either! If you think me am going to pack up old moldy box of porn you am crazy! So me guess me need tell you what me know, but me will NOT be using names. Well first, me get in trouble last time for outing two of them on internet. Hey, not that there am anything wrong with that. Me was just pointing out that here am two guys that have been living together for 36 years now and sleeping in matching twin beds in same bedroom. Me no want to get them kicked off they show or anything. Me just think they should be proud and allowed to march in parade now and again if they want. They good guys! They clean, neat, good cook, smell like soap! Good guys! Not like that other one. That one am the one that give me all grief. Me am Monstee! Me am big, hairy, blue, kookie monster. He am nothing like me! He am not big. He am not hairy. He not have curtains that match drapes, if you know what me mean. He not even start in on that cookie thing until me start calling Monstee Kookie Monster. He am second place wannabe, no original, no new idea, gotta steal ideas from others, hack! He am bottle blue! That am right! He am bottle blue! And how you understand what he say am mystery to me. He am no good at talking. Him did try get on internet, when he hear ME doing well and good here. But he am so lame and out of date that it am laughable. HAHA, HAHAHA. Still, internet am better way to chat him because he smell bad! He always smell of whatever he eat in last 7 days, fungus, mold and sex funk. Now that little one am not so little. He may act like little baby, but he am actually 24. He like to play like he am a baby, but he am really like one of them "adult" babies, if you know what me mean. He am mean too. Mean and VERY anti America. He say when time is rite he get little children to turn against parents in new regime. Till then, he wait, and play the baby. He no smell like baby, he smell like B.O. and burning flag. Now that skinny blue one am not as dumb as he let on. He plot and scheme and all time act like he am bumbling doof. Monstee had to dig a bit and sneak into him personal computer account with CTW, and guess what me find. Me find him have plans for world domination. Is seem that Osama DID have weapons of mass destruction. He have little red one hide them for him and little red one sell weapons to skinny blue one. You be ready! He am making plans! Me did download one of TV ads him am planning to air when he am ready. He am freaky! He always spending free time in lab. He smell like rubbing alcohol and formaldehyde.
Me think it am important to mention that they not always be so evil and bad. They was always kept on short leash by they leader, the green one. Him was ok. Him have bit of power and control problem, but he have plenty of underlings to take it out on. That was long ago. Since death of Kurt Cobain, the green one have not been much good no nothing. Him am only coherent few hours of day and work need him for that, rest of time him am in state of "self medication". It am shame. He smell like pond water and vomit.

So now you know. Me hope you keep this info close to heart and remember, if anything "sudden" happen to Monstee, it was THEM!

Monstee makes a list (smells)

Lately Monstee have been getting some comments about him smell. Now me am the last one to deny fact that monsters no stink pretty, but not many you people know exactly how most monsters smell when they not on rampage. Smell-o-vision never take off like it should have. So, Monstee think he fill you in on little known facts and since lists am all the rage in these blog type places, Monstee make a list too.

How Monsters Smell In Real Life:

1. Frankenstein's Monster - Way too much Patchouli!
2. The Bride of Frankenstein's Monster - Opium.
3. Dracula - Drakkar Noir.
4. Brides of Dracula - Chanel No 5. (spoiled bitches)
5. Creature From Black Lagoon - Aqua Velva/Old spice/Cool Water. (Depending how much cash he have on hand)
6. Wolf Man - Starts night with Brute, ends with rolling in poo.
7. Robot Monster - Halston Z-14.
8. The Blob - English Leather.
9. Boogie Man - Moth Balls.
10. The Mummy - A dusty 3000 year old pickled corpse filled with flowers and spices.

Who did me forget?