Tornados suck! ( or ) This Place Is A Disaster Area!

Ok... am it better to say that tornados blow? Whatever it am... it not nice.

Now, before you guys get all you panties in bunches, we all ok over this way. ...and YES, technically it no really a tornado. Oh, we had the massive bad weather, the two fronts clashing together violently, the smashing rain, the 235mph wind... just no funnel cloud. Me guess that on this end of tornado ally, weather front on top that want to get down no wait on making funnel to do it, but just said 'Fuck it!' and came down all at once.

Me am thinking, of all places me could have been last week... of all me cave openings me could have been hanging out at and currently living... why me pick middle America? The bible belt? The heart land? You know why they call it the heart land, don't you? Cause the brains not there!!!

Well kids, me wish me could tell you all that me looked the great wind in the face and stood me ground. Me wish me could tell you that me was very brave and battened down the hatches and protected everything that needed to be protected. Me WISH me could tell you the thanks to me valiant efforts and quick running round me single pawedly saved all articles and properties of me and me family... but me didn't. Me slept through it all.

When me awoke from me little nap (woke up by sound of three story oak tree snapping in two outside and taking out power lines) everything was about over. So me had time to look out window, see what was going on, say F word couple dozen times and get pets deeper into cave. What me see? hmmmm... How to describe it....

1. It was raining sideways!
2. Clouds was racing each other in me backyard at about one third the speed of sound!
3. Nine out of ever ten trees was broke. Not out of money broke, but missing they limbs, trunk snapped in half or pulled out of ground and knocked over on they side in very untreelike way.
4. The wind was making strange noise. Not the "shhhhhhh" that make you go "Ahhhhhh" on hot summer night. Not the "oooOOOOOooooooOOOOOo" that make you go "WooooOOOoo" on Halloween. NO, this was more like "OWAHOWAHOWAHOWAH" that make you go "WHAT THE FUCK AM THAT?!?!"

Me missed most of the good stuff. Like the stuff flying by the window; the cow, hen house, old lady knitting in her rocking chair, two guys in the rowboat and Miss Almira Gulch riding by on her bicycle. It was over soon and we was all pretty lucky in our little village. VERY few people had any real damage to they housed, but trees am a different thing. All over they was busted up REAL good! The city park am closed until further notice. Poor trees. We lost yardfull ourselves, but hard part was living without power... for almost A WEEK!!! NO POWER!!! FOR A WEEK!! You know what that means!

NO POWER!
NO TV!
NO COMPUTER!
NO INTERNET!
NO VIDEO TAPES!
NO DVDS!
NO HOLOGRAMS!
NO ELECTRIC STOVE!
NO LIGHTS!
NO COMPUTER!
NO AIR CONDITIONING IN 90 DEGREE WEATHER WITH AS MUCH HUMIDITY!!
NO MICROWAVE!
NO FANS!
NO COMPUTER!
NO ELECTRIC GUITAR!
Me can no play... but still...
NO RADIO!
NO MUSIC!
NO MUSIC ON THE COMPUTER!
NO COMPUTER!
NO REFRIGERATOR!
NO FREEZER!
NO ICE!
NO COMPUTER ON ICE!
NO ANSWERING MACHINES!
Phone was working fine.
NO FAXING WITH THE COMPUTER!
NO INTERNET!
NO INTERNET PORN!!!

So you see me life have been hell. But me made it back am what ever no kill me only give me something to really bitch about to others! Me know it going to take me some time to get around to reading all you blogs and getting up to date and all, so just no think me am snubbing you for no commenting like usually do.... or never do it you one of them blogs me just read but no comment on...

YES! ME AM A LURKER AT SOME BLOGS!!! WHAT OF IT?!?!?! Oh, like you really care! Pull the other one! How many comments am me gonna see that am along the lines of "Where am Monstee?" "How come Monstee been so quite?" "Did Monstee fuck off again or what?" ME know how many. About as many as concerned Emails me get. 0 you fuckers!!

Yeah, me love you too! "Oh look, there am Monstee dead in the ditch. Hmmmm, me could spit on him, but no. Me NO WANT TO WASTE IT!!!" YOU CAN ALL GO TO HELL YOU... you...

Me sorry. It just been so long that me started ranting at first thing that come along... you. Me need to vent me hate. Me gotta get started on Blut Cog about all this.

Later Kids!
XOXOXO

Insert Title Here

Hey Kids!

How you doing? Me? Well, me am

a) still alive.
b) little down in bumps.
c) bout the same as always!
d) all of the above.
e) none of the above.

Yeah, yeah, yeah... me know! You not hear from Monstee for while. You am all sitting out there saying

a) "We thought you was dead!"
b) "We thought you had quit."
c) "I'm engaged!"
d) "Where you been."
e) "What the hells with this multiple choice?"

Well to that me just say

a) Well me not!
b) No, me just take longer break than me expected.
c) Congratulations!
d) THAT am long story!
e) What? What am you talking bout? You am crazy! You am crazy person!

Me am

a) sorry me not been round to comment on you postings,
b) really bad typist,
c) extremely well endowed,
d) super genius dapper man about town,
e) Monstee,

but me have been really, really

a) busy lately.
b) bushy lately.
c) buggy lately.
d) late to business school.
e) up to no good.

You never gonna believe this but me have been really busy

a) in a contest with Barney to see who could hold out posting longer.
b) climbing up and sliding down St. Louis Arch screaming "HI KATE!".
c) Taking me gal to movie in Singapore and having to deal with guy behind us who NO stop huffing and puffing!!!
d) signing autographs posing as Kelsey Grammer
e) not getting out of bed because me so depressed that FMC am going off the market despite fact that me very happy for her.

Friends from down south called while back and ask if me want to come visit. Me always like to meet new internet friends so me go. They ask me to babysit while they go out for food for dinner. Me wished me seen that movie first, cause when penguins go out for dinner it takes like THREE OR FOUR MONTHS!!! They no drive, they WALK EVERYWHERE!! How dumb am that. So me sit on kid for few days then leave note and bring him back to cave. He good kid. He likes him beers!


a) "OH how cute!"
b) "Monstee! We didn't know you had so much ankle fat!"
c) "Penguins is practically chickens..."
d) all of the below
e) none of the above

Before we go home me take kid to big type amusement park and load him up on popcorn and chili-cheese corn dogs with extra onions and large plastic alien heads full of coke. There we decide to try to break record of longest time on roller coaster. 103 hours and fifty-five minutes. We do good at start, but he get board after bout 103 1/2 hours, so we quit. Arrow show where we was.


a) all of the above
b) "OH how cute!"
c) "Did you puke?"
d) "Penguins eat puke. If you pukes, would the little guy eat it?"
e) all of oil

Me never did

a) up chuck,
b) barf,
c) sell Buicks,
d) hurl,
e) flog the bishop,

cause me was little too busy holding on and trying to figure out what was best part of me life flashing before me eyes. When it was over me was ready to go, but kid was all wound up so me think that quick trip to petting zoo quite him down. There we see Burleson Arabians, the smallest breed of horse.
a) They was spicy!!!
b) They a all day crock pot kinda thing.
c) all of the side
d) Me know what 'flog the bishop' really mean.
e) Best thing am they come with they own floss!

So kid finally give out one humongous burp that smell like hoof, drop the hoof out his beak, and pass out. Me get him back to cave just in time to get call from me latest gal and think tank member Tara Reid.


a) "OH how cute!"
b) "OH MY GOD MONSTEE!"
c) one of the above and one of the below.
d) If you know her, she not as much a bimbo as you think she am!
e) If you no know her, she a bigger bimbo than you think she am.

She remind me that we have meeting with think tank. Now me have sleeping penguin kid with me and am going on like 8 or 9 days with no sleep so me offer to have it here at cave. Believe me, last think you want am bunch of brainy nerds hanging round you place complaining bout you snacks. Anyway... what we come up with am design for worlds largest toilet seat! It so big, we decide to keep them in orbit!


a) "OH now that's just silly!"
b) "OH now that's a great idea!"
c) "What? I'm sorry. I'm still looking at the boob."
d) the one above
e) The Great Below - NIN

So me dear friends and readers.... yeah, and YOU LURKERS TOO... me am back. For how long me not know. That was one really nice week+ off me had there. Me probably will do it again some time. But for now me got to get to reading all you blogs. Me sure me have to

a) read four or five posting from most of you
b) read Dr. Evil Scientist's post
c) keep waiting for next chapter from Dr. Maroon
d) keep waiting for anything from El Barbudo
e) post blunt cog strip
f) read the 5 or 6 chapters posted by SafeT
g) check in and see if Sara Laughing again
h) talk 'LOST' with Smacky
me) Read the 5,623 postings from Heatherfeather
j) just get back in groove.

See ya there!

The fix is in

It have come to me attention that some of pics at cave have no been showing up in certain browsers or on certain computers along our info-highway.

Why you people no tell me this earlier?!?!

Many thanks to Ivar for filling Monstee in (even though me was at friends house last week and me discover problem meself). To repay kindness, you am moved to back of line for torture and ridicule... er, hazing... er, special welcoming to cave. But because you as only second to last person to be new at cave (and self confessed lurker) that only put one person in front of you....

Hello PerversoActor! Me have been to you blog.... did not understand one word. Ok, one word... maybe two. Three or four tops, but it help if me know what language it am in. Me would like to welcome you in you native language, but me not know what country you am from. Am it Hungry, Turkey, Greece?

mmmMMMmmmmmmturkeygrease....

NO! You NO distract Monstee with talk of you yummy homeland stuffed with bread crumbs and sitting in pan with mouth-watering drippings!! Me am Monstee! Me want to know why nobody tell me they not be seeing all Monstee's pictures that me be going out of way to hang on cave wall?

Me am approachable! Me am friendly! Me post me email address and AIM Handel for all to see just in case they want to reach out and say something like "Hi Monstee! How am you? Me can no see all you pictures you so lovingly hang on cave wall for everyone to enjoy! Me must be idiot!" Then me would very nicely says "NO! You am no stupid for THAT reason. That am problem with way me browser download certain pics. Me just discover it and am in process of fixing problem files.... MOTARD!!" But NooooOOOOOOOoooooo!!! You people all just go on giggling behind Monstee's back under him nose bout how he keep posting pictures nobody but him can see.

NOW me know why nobody give Monstee very many caption ideas for him funny picture.
You can see it now? If no, you going to tell Monstee? If you do see pic, feel free to go back and check out other pics you might have missed. We am fixing and updating all the time (which am definitely taking time away from developing lurker detected). Hopefully, soon ALL of me pics will be fixed and you then have NO problem seeing all Monstee's pretty pictures.

Me no like to post pictures that can no be picked up by all people... but if you have right kind of computer, link, server and browser... maybe you like to see dirty picture of last first time Monstee have sex.And before you start asking same old questions all over again...
1) Yes! She am shaving me ass.
2) NO. That am not midget arm sticking out of side of waterbed, it am blow up doll that get stuffed there somehow. Midget am taking picture.
3) Yes! Them am real tattoos on her body. Pic not so good to show all of them but there am Bat with yellow eyes, Oingo Boingo skull, chain of dancing beans, portrait of Sting (in circle with line through it), portrait of Danny Elfman (in circle with line through it), portrait of Monstee (NOTE: this am old pic. Today tattoo of Monstee portrait am in circle with line through it and next to portrait of Trent Reznor... DANG YOU Reznor! You one up me once again!), Band Logo's (The Police, The Sex Pistols, The Ramones, The Damned, The Dickies, Gen X, Misfits, Dead Kennedys, Devo, Black Flag, Sisters of Mercy, The Clash, Oingo Boingo, Adam & the Ants, Elvis Costello, XTC, Joe Jackson, the specials), Slippery when wet sign, scratch and sniff sign, Exit only sign (in circle with line through it), the covers of like the first 10 Steven King books, a shark with a MOD hat.
4) No. That am NOT optical illusion. They am that big and their spectacular.
5) NO. There am only 5 adult toys. You am counting pink one twice cause it wrap around.
6) Yes. You may download pic for you own use.


Feel free to submit caption for either pic!

New Year, New People, Nuisance

Well that baby with diaper and sash around him neck am about here and just in time too because me like to put the hurt on that old man with diaper and sash around him neck! 2005 was not very good year for you friend Monstee. Oh sure, the food was good. Music, TV and the movies seemed to be improving. Booze seemed to flow like it had been bottled up somewhere. There were plenty of women and the sex just keeps getting better and more interesting every single week! But in 2005 me stopped smoking and me am still little pissed off bout that! Me liked smoking! It make Monstee look cool! It make me feel manly. Now it gone and what me got? Just outstanding good looks and enormous genitals. Me guess that will have to be enough.

For those of you who not know, it am well into festive time for me people and me want to take this little break from Monstashona and wish you all happy holidays of you own. Be it belated Christmas, belated birthday, belated chanukah, belated kwanza, belated Hanukkah, belated trash day, belated anniversary, belated voodoo day, belated fishstick day, belated Independence Day (Slovenia), belated Junkanoo, belated Admission Day, belated Saint Thomas of Canterbury Feast Day, belated Tick Tock Day, belated No Interruptions Day,belated Bo Diddley's Birthday, belated Leap Second Adjustment day, belated Make Up Your Mind Day, belated Cathode-Ray Tube Day, belated Winter Solstice, belated Crossword Puzzle Day, belated Forefather's Day, belated Humbug Day, belated Phileas Fogg Wins a Wager Day or whatever day you and the horse you rode in on chooses to celebrate... Me hope that whatever jolly fat pagan has you number, he/she/it sends you everything you want and half of what you truly deserve! And as you gather with you family round that tall aluminum pole, air you grievance's and perform you feats of strength, remember that no matter how great the gift/black eye/mixed drink or whatever that we get from our friends/family am... it in no way compares to the warm, comforted,completely fulfilled feeling we get when we go out of our way to have sex with big blue hairy monsters...or just give him cash if we am a guy.

And speaking of guys, me would like to take what little time me have now while family clears away feasting things and brings in drinking things to give formal greetings to new people visiting cave and NOT HANGING OUT LIKE BUNCH OF LURKERS!!

First am Sol at Hall of the Slain. Now it am true that the hall am a little thin right now, but that just because it so new. If you got there you can no help but notice new blog smell. But Sol MORE that make up for him blogging frequency being somewhere between... oh, say me and old rotten tree stump by commenting. You can no look for bugs under dead cat without finding comment by Sol. Hi Sol! Me am Monstee! Nice of you come by and comment. Me like that.

Same with ScarletSphinx at My tender prison. Hey SS! Nice you come by and comment instead of soak up all cavey goodness and NO GIVE BACK LIKE NO GOOD LOUSY LURKER!!! Like Sol, SS have what appear to be brand new blog that seem to be well under way. Good luck to both you two! You going to need it if keep coming round here....(hehehehehe)

Next are people who suck. No, not lurkers. People who comment at cave and STILL suck. Why they suck? Me not sure how answer that cause me not sure what they up to. Me not going to give they links cause when me try them me get page saying account am canceled and then me computer start doing strange things and me got to restart. Lucky me have Macinrock and nothing damaged or infected, but still since they all have addresses so similar (www.some letter two digit number some other letter.com/ ~first name ~second name) that me believe they all in this together. They also only comment to Monstee's older posts and then comments with strange things like when me rant on stupid things they say "Thanks!" What the hell am that? What the hell am going on? Me not know and me not like it so Wallace Skovira, Merrill Catchings & Rolando Durall... You all suck! Unless you prove to Monstee that you real people and not trying to fish or infect computers, me NEVER going to welcome you to cave and NEVER going to give you hard time and see if you can take it and come back to play!

Speaking of heatherfeather at Love me, love my caribou, she am only one who DARE to take Monstee challenge in me Popularity Contest! True, me no really go to trouble of actually checking her work to see if she do it all right... BUT WHY ME HAVE TOO? SHE ONLY ONE WHO DO IT! Hi heatherfeather, welcome to cave! Me have been to her blog before and me not real sure how me got there. All me know is she am real nice person even if she post stuff about THEM. Her blog am REAL clean and have smell of fresh yarn, bleach and dog hair.

mmmMMMMMMmmmmuseddoggysweater....

NO! You no distract Monstee with talk of warm fuzzy treats! Heatherfeather am only one who take challenge so she win! Now she am most popular girl in cave! (sorry Adrianne Barbeau, you had 13 days.) Now me get posting from Heatherfeather asking what she win. What she win? Well, truth am me never expect anybody win. Let me see what we got around here...
:::BUMP::CRASH::SMASH::CREEK::SLAM::drip drip drip::SMASH::CRASH::
Here we go! You win this! One genuine stuffed animal thingy guaranteed NOT be possessed by Satan or any of hims minions as long as you no look at it, talk to it, touch it, listen to it, smell it, or interact with it in any way. And for God's sake... DON'T CLICK ON IT.
(everybody else shutup!)
BUT WAIT! Heatherfeather you're today's big winner! You can either keep what you have... or trade it for what am in the moldy box of porn!
Everybody:oooooOOOOOOOOOooooooooo AAAAAAHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh......
Take you time heatherfeather, we be right back with you right after word from our sponsor.

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How many times have this happen to you?
You trolling on web looking at new blogs when you run across person who only give profile picture of part of they face. How you supposed to know what they look like? How you know if you can trust them? How you know if the two faced or not?
Well now you know, thanks to the help of Monstee Inc.'s new...
Profile Facial Extrapolator!
Yes Monstee Inc. the company that brought you Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn! (p.p.) and Monsteespeak Translator 1.0 now brings you,
the Profile Facial Extrapolator!
Simply place the picture above the buttons provided and you instantly have access to over three kinds of extrapolation! Just listen to these people!
"This outta be right." - one of our programmers
"That's ME!" - Tyra Banks
"She's HOT!" - guy on the street
"I'm suing." - Tyra Banks
But enough about them! The Profile Facial Extrapolator is perfect for parties, family gatherings, late night alone typing one handed, or just trying to find a way to end a really really long posting!
Get youself a mirror and watch yourself using it right NOW!

The Profile Facial Extrapolator by Monstee Inc.
Ask for it by name!

An open letter to Sarah B.

Dear Sarah,

(for you of them that no know, Sarah am host of really cool website called Que Sera Sera)

How am you? Me am fine. Did you ever sober up from you birthday party? Ha ha. Me bet you not even remember getting picture taken with Monstee! That ok. Me only remember because me was there. (for you of them that no see picture in front of face, you can see picture here) Me am writing you today to ask why you turn you comments off on you latest post. (see comments to Sarah's latest posting here) (see Sarah's latest post here) Did we offend? Did you no like installments of story about bear that eat scouts and scoutmaster? (ok, for those of you who no know or no want to read or no care, it have been some time since Sarah post anything because she have been really busy with "real life". That am ok and good and fine and everything, but it do make evil commenters comment on fact in Sarah's comments. This also make good nice not mean commenters comment on how evil commenters am being evil and need to give Sarah break about not posting. Then, other good nice funny commenters comment that in meantime we can just entertain ourselves while we patently wait for Sarah to get done and post again. We do this by starting little story about bear that eat bunch of scouts and scoutmaster. You can read story in Sarah's comments above, below Sep. 8th or 9th.) You am last comment in there and you am asking "What the hell?" (to see last comment, it am all the way at bottom of above comments) Then there am no way for anyone to post comments to answer you question! How you expect anyone to answer you questions if you go and turn off comments? Me would have been happy to answer you question if you no go and turn off comments!! Now me got to go and answer you question in me blog and hope that you see it here. (You can see me posting all this here) Me am just afraid that deep down inside nobody as big and famous in blogging community as you EVER come and visit Monsee in Monstee's cave... unless you one of those lurkers!!! (for those of you with head stuck in holes in ground, lurker am person who frequent blog sites and read and enjoy but never, NEVER comment of give back in any, ANY way!!! Me should know, me have quite a few!) Am you one of them lurkers? Me have quite a few. Me think if am from all the porn or the celebrities that hang around like Adrienne Barbeau or fact that me am about to kill big voice that keep interrupting me. (for those of you interested in Monstee's discount cave of porn, click hereeeeyyaaaghhh.... Good! Me hate that guy.

Sarah, me just want to say that by turning off you comments me take that as message that you no want installments of bear saga to go on. That am fine, but me really really hope we no offend you with our little attempt of self amusement. If we did, me am sorry.

You friend,
Monstee
:]

Strange Things Afoot in the Mouth of the Cave!

Why? Why ME?!? Why do things like this keep happening to me??!!??!!?

Well, by now me guess that you notice things am little strange round here now. Me have to say, me no like it. If you no notice, then you must have you sound turned down. If you no have sound on you computer, then you am out of date freak who am living on desert island with string and tin cans for you dial up and bunch of monkeys plugging into banana tree for you server. It ok, me am just figment of you imagination. You can skip all me ranting and raving in THIS post and just go boil you other shoe for brunch. But remember, salt am salt but sand am NOT pepper! mmMMMMmmmshoebrunch...

NO! You no distract Monstee with talk of leather snack/meal in nice location while screaching wild life fling poo at you while eating!!! Me am Monstee! Me am in VERY bad mood! Things am not going well in cave and you am just visiting... ME have to live here!!!

"But Monstee... what am going on here?" you ask? Me make big mistake and have accadent and now... THIS! Why? Why me have to go an try to play internet god? Why? Me know why... Because me am. NO! It am those LURKERS... That am why cave am now like is am, the lurkers....

You see, me have been working on way to find out who the lurkers am, and humiliate er... Include them in fun, but up till now me have been having problem with Monstee's Lurker detector. What me wanted was way to access computer of lurker and turn they screen into camera! Then me take picture of them and post it showing them and saying... oh, nice and friendly things about then. Good Idea huh? BUT NOOOOooooOOO!!! Me had to go and spill jar of liquid reference extractor into backmasking reverse engineering housing and then telepathic thought detector circuits fuse in new and strange way that begin causing feedback impulses that begin looping over and over and voyeur and favor andy Volvo DNA rover and ME CAN NO STOP IT!!!

:::pant:::pant:::pant:::

In simple human term that even island bob no soundcard can understand am this. We am all being subjected to thoughts and feelings of all visitors to Monstee's Cave... but those thoughts and feelings am being interpreted and expressed through bizarre and obscure TV and Movie references. OKOKOKOK!!! YES!!! Me do most of me scientific stuff on top of old pile of old TV guides!!! You wanna make something of it??? Where were you last time you accidentally created artificial intelligence??? Hmmmm??? Me was in bathroom trying to make improved electric toothbrush!!! Was it smart??? Yes! Was it better toothbrush??? NO! It was evil! Did me not mention me ONLY HAVE SEVEN TEETH!!!!

This am last straw!!! Me am going to get them Lurkers if it last thing me do!!!!

Me have totally awesome set of tools

What? Monstee am posting more than once a week? Yeah, yeah, yeah... screw!

This post am in response to recent IM me get from lurker who wish to remain nameless. They say that they like visit Monstee's cave to look at funny pictures Monstee change. Me just want to respond thusly:

ME NEVER CHANGE PICTURE IN ME LIFE!!!

It am true! Me no CHANGE pictures, me analyze them. There am big difference. When you change pic you make it look different than it did by adding new stuff like cars, taking out stuff you no want like ugly people and changing the look of what am there like airbrushing boobies. What am left an what you want, but it am changed. Me NEVER do that. Me have really good set analysis tools that let Monstee look over pic file (inside and out) and whatever me find when me analyze, me can bring out. It am nothing new and me not take nothing away! Me just showing what am already there, but hidden by other stuff in file and using THAT stuff to hide what am already obvious. Not a change, just an analysis. You want proof? Ok.....

Here me am giving you access to 3 of Monstee's old pic tools. You no pay for nothing so me not giving you ability to save pics you analyze. First we need pic. Let's take one from.... oh, lets say Kate. We not picking on Kate, we just using pic of Kate's friend from Kate's blog.

1. Emotion Tool: This am really cool tool that bring out hidden emotions of people you have in pics. Most people never realize how much data digital camera pick up when you use it. It get all kinds of stuff that you never see unless you analyze pic with tool like this. Press button, and move tool around. You see!

2. Fluid Tool: You ever see that light they use to show spots and stains from "bodily fluids"? This am same thing. You eyes no see it, but it there and camera pick it up. This tool make it possible to see it. Press button and you get tool. Turn light on tool on with little yellow button and move tool around and you see.

3. Wackamole Tool: With this tool you analyze.... um.... well.... Ok, me not know what you analyze with this tool (it come bundled with bunch of others). But it do use hammer and pump to bring out hidden wackamole traits in subjects.

full scale version

NOW you see what me mean? Pics on me blog NOT EVER BEEN changed!

Me think me prove me point.

Monstee's Bits and Pieces

Me am sorry me have no posted so much for so long... but me have been getting caught up doing other things.... me have been thinking bout posting... but just never get round to finishing good chain of thought to put down in post.

So here am bunch of junk me may never get round to finishing...

1. Did you know Fats Domino was stage name? It true! Him real name Lardass Backgammon.

2. The Evil G'Kar is stealer of planets and need to be destroyed! Me say band together galactic empires and wipe scourge from stars so Little Red of the Riding Hoods can get her planets back.

3. Shirly's daughter worked in that building.

4. Me only have seven teeth. Me counted! Me only have seven and they all fangs and they all on bottom.

5. Me have not name dropped in while.

6. Me am glad Jenny McCarthy am back on TV. Me know she take time off for having babies and all that, but what with what happen last time we see each other, me never know.

7. Me was in New York few weeks ago. Best thing that happen there am Birthday party of me friend Sara Brown. Here am pic of me and her at her party. Me not so sure she remember me being there. She am pretty drunk at time. She drinking this lemon/beer-booze... Like Mike's Hard Lemonade but with extra balls!

8. Me not really like corn on cob. (see #4 above) It Ok, but me like it better off cob and cooked with garlic. mmMMMMmmmmmgarlicorn!

9. Me have no smoked for over month now. Please no congratulate me. If you do, me will have to stab you in face with ballpoint pen.

10. Looking at me site stats me see some strange things. Me knew me had traffic from strange places, but.... It seem that two of top search phrases am "Adrienne Barbeau" and "sexy bubble gum teen". This no make no sense to me. Me good friend Kate say she get phrases like "Eating expired pasta" and "Hideous sandwich". Me can see that!!! When have me ever talked about "sexy bubble gum teen"? Adrienne Barbeau me understand too. She am one of me lurkers that me no mind her not commenting. Me understand. Hey Adrienne, we need hang out again soon. Just you & me this time, we ditch swamp thing and take off! What you say?

11. Me also see that 93% of people coming to cave only stay here less than 30 seconds. WooHoo!!! All them hits and me no got to worry bout entertaining them! HAHAHAH! In interest of getting more people like them, let me just say that at Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn (p.p.) you can download nude pics of Britney Spears in the nude for free as soon as we get some and are sure we not get sued for it. Same go for Nude pics of Jessica Simpson nude free pics and nude fantastic 4 nude Jessica Alba nude download free now as soon as nude and free download as soon as me get some for you to. :]

13. Me have noticed that me tend to drop numbers when me making list of things. Why am that?


Well that am good bakers dozen. Me hope to have special project up and running soon.

Monstee Gets An Idea

Me was not going to post anything this weekend, what due to it being holiday weekend and this am weekend where Monstee stay inside mostly. (It am hot and it am not good for monsters be around global villagers with explosives and torchlike things) Me also wanted to give lurkers as long as possible to post comment and thereby stop being lurkers and become commenting contributing readers and participants of Monstee's Cave. But it seem that ff am only one of you that have GUTS to come out of hiding and just say 'Hi'.

HI ff!!! Glad you stop by! You am lucky you avoid laughter and ridicule at you expense, but you better keep on you toes! Me am watching you....

As for rest of you lurkers.... THIS AM IT! Me am now going to start in on Monstee's new 'Out the Lurkers' program of pain and embarrassment! You have you chance, so you can no say nothing when me do what it am that me do that you not want me do when me do it!!!! HAHA!! Me am Monstee!

Now, back to what inspire me to post when me have no intention of posting am recent conversation me have with Stargasergirl and recent posting in Kate's blog. Yes, another one!!!! Hey, if you no be such a lurker then maybe me have better material work with and not pick on... er, me mean rely on Kate so much!!! If you no like it then you remember it am all YOU fault!!!

Now, if you following Kate's blog then you know she and her gang of cohorts am roadtripping down to great state of panic... er, Florida to see Stargazergirl/Carrie. Kate/Kate took Paul/husband and friends/friends with her/her. (YOU look them up! Me not know all these people!!) Well in latest post Kate say this:

(Incidentally, Mon, Paul said I've made you sound really cool and he'd like to meet you next time we're in that area for a LAN. I snorted and chortled [snortled?] and said I'd let you know.)

Now, disregarding what sound like sarcastic nose honking on Kate's part... Me thought this was GREAT idea! Me love LAN! Then, after while, me google LAN and find out it stand for "Local Area Network" and not short for Lanshire, like me thought at first.

mmmMMMmmmmmlanshire...

NO! Me will not be distracted by thoughts of yummy roadside and gas station treats!!! Why Mr. Paul man want to meet Monstee for LAN??? Am they that good? Am they better than Lanshire? Am they not what Google say and instead of being like tiny little internet the am just in building, they am really good tasty electronic teckno treat? Do he really what to split what sound like VERY expensive snack, or am he just really, REALLY socially impaired and he need to email Monstee from across the room? Me will let you all know when me find out. Me know that him no visit Monstee's cave so him am no Lurker like SOME of you!! So we be nice to him... for now... but me have pictures... hehehe.

Also me was talking to Carrie when she get home from what sound like fun time with gang, driving around in rain and cursing at people. She say that she feel kind of bad that there am not much to do in her town and she feel that with all bad weather and all that nobody going to come back and revisit her. Me think that am silly! What more fun am there than driving hundreds of mile to see old friends and drive round in rain cursing at people??? Great fun!! But me guess that it am something that she no like to do all that much so me come up with new idea for her... miniature golf!

If she build miniature golf coarse in her town then there am stuff to do!!! Everyone LOVE miniature golf! Then me think, bowling! Yeah, everybody have miniature golf... she need miniature bowling!!! People come from miles to play miniature bowling! Me give her idea and she say that she am NO good at bowling... so them me start thinking who to make idea new and fresh and put all players on same level... Not miniature bowling or miniature golf.... MEGA GOLF! You play Mega Golf outside with bowling ball on huge miniature golf coarse that am no longer miniature!! We talking REAL windmills!! You have to bowl ball round corners, up hills, through tunnels... the whole nine yards... er, holes, yeah. And no pins at end either. You got to bowl into big hole with flag! We call it BOWLFING!

Bowlfing! Yet another great idea brought to you from Monstee Enterprises.

New cave, New Post!

Hi kids!

Well here we am. Me have new cave at new address that am little deeper in big woods next to info highway we call internet. It am nice. As far as me can tell movers move everything over good. And me mean everything! They even move over old moldy box of porn! To tell truth, me have not taken time to look over ever nook and cranny, so if you notice nook or catch cranny that no look right, you let me know and me either fix it or ignore you ASAP. Me guess me should check everything out... but me not want to. Me having enough problems keeping up with other blogs for reading, doing all things in personal life and trying to post more than once week. Sometimes me get bushed! But now me going to steal... er me mean take idea from some other blogger who name escapes me and just list bunch of crap that need to be said.

First off, sometime when me mistype word "crap" me mistype it "crape". Me guess me "e" claw am just to speedy for me own goode! mmmMMMMmmmmcrapes!

Me have not taken opportunity to thank me good friend, host and sponsor Kate for setting Monstee up in new cave and giving him all the shiny new backend stuff and file space. If you no know about all this, me not going to link it. You find it youself. That what me did. Me am still getting use to it and it am seeming pretty cool. Thank you Kate!!!

As me have said in past, me am aware that me have lurkers. If you not aware of term, lurker am person who read postings but never comment. Me know you am there. You know who you am. Me was going to use this posting to out one or two of you and pass on funmakings and ridicule... but me decided not to. THIS AM YOUR LAST CHANCE. All you need do am comment and then you no longer am lurker, you am reader. Reader/Lurker... it up to you. Me know where you live/post/eat lunch/get you pictures developed/go to have smoke at break time. If me no have embarrassing pictures, me can get them!

-------------------------------------------------------
In recent post, Smacky say this... " I'm glad the surge in popularity in the zombie genre finally allowed George Romero (the king of zombie films) to get his fourth one made. I also hope it doesn't suck. At least they're not fast-moving zombies. WTF is up with that?"

Since him seem to forget that Monstee am best resource for all things Monster, me will explain topic here. Now, there am in fact five distinct types of zombies... Starting from worst to best there am....

Zombie Punk
These am not really zombies in true sense or term. They am just bunch of young people on drugs who sit around and veg out like zombies until they think you have drugs or money to buy drugs and then they mob you. No flesh eaters here... unless one REALLY freaks out, and they as easy to kill as anybody on street. You can kill one with fork if you really try. They about as fast or slow as they drug abused bodies and minds will allow.

Voodoo Zombie
This am true Zombie, but not monster type or undead flesheater. This am person who am unlucky enough to tick off mean ole' Voodoo man and let him blow puff of zombie powder into face so they go into trance like state where everyone think they am dead. This last long enough for weepy family to do funeral and put person in ground and go on with lives. Then mean ole' Voodoo man come and dig up coffin and go through song and dance like he am raising dead. What he really doing am waiting for zombie powder to ware off and person to come back to normal. When they do they usually been driven crazy by "dying" and being buried and dug up and "brought back to life" and they think they am zombie and do whatever mean ole' Voodoo man say. This am still living person how you kill same as anyone and tend to be kinda slow due to being driven crazy and all. They still can have crazy frenzy freakout, but usually are to depressed about being zombie.

Zombie Curse
Well now we get to first of undead monster type zombie. This am dead person who am cursed and not allowed to leave they dead body. It am pretty good curse. They got to just sit around all day and feel theyselves rot! Curses vary in exactly what they do. Some let person be same as they was when they was alive, sept now they am walking corpse. Some curses just animate dead body to walk around and do what they am told to do. In last case zombie and mindless stupid thing that take you literally and do what master say... but me wouldn't want it drive me anywhere! Still no crazed flesh eaters here... unless you curse someone like Jeffery Dalmer like type one or order your type two to eat people. Also them am still easy to kill. Massive damage to body will rekill them. We not talking like stabbing them in stomach or anything... we talking multi-dismemberment or disemboweling or just cutting them in half. This not always hard to do as all type two mindless zombies am slow stupid things but type one personality zombies can be as fast as they body allow until it start rotting and giving out on them.

radiation Zombie
OK! Now we getting somewhere. Here am the first of the flesheaters. These am the monster type zombies that am in the old George Romero movies. When they not in black and white, they tend to be somewhat blue colored. It am pretty sky type blue. In them old movies they say they not know why dead am up walking around and eating people, but if you listen real close near beginning of first black and white film "Night of the Living Dead" then you hear that satellite NASA send out to Saturn have come back to earth and am giving off strange radiation. Am there coincidence? These zombies am dumb! They run on base instinct and are driven with lust for human flesh! Yeah, it have been proven that given time and positive reinforcement they can be taught simple tricks and can feel some basic positive emotion, but over all, they just want to eat you. They am slow because of lack of brain energy to keep them going, but when they up close they can jerk around and bite you pretty quick. They also like to mob you and share you like a buffet! Harder to kill than any before, you need to damage the brain. Smash it or disconnect it or hack it into bits or blast hole in it.. whatever as long as it stop sending energy to body. Short of that, whatever you do they just keep coming to eat you flesh. Oh, also if you have radiation zombies running round, if they not eat you all up then in time you going to become zombie too. They claw and bits WILL cause infection that kill you, but even if you die from say, slipping in tub, if they around you going to become one of them.

Toxic Zombie
Now these am the worst! There am two types of Toxic Zombies, Bio toxin and Chemical Zombie. Both are really fast and both are kinda smart. Chem zombies tend to be a bit smarter and don't have need to eat you flesh, they want you brains! Chem zombie start out like type one curse zombie above with persons full personality in dead body, but as rigermortis and bloating set in it get so painful that something go snap and they know that only thing that stop pain of being dead am eating living brains! Brains!Brains!Brains!Brains! Chem zombies have been known to use advanced tools such as radios to call for fresh brains. Now bio toxin zombies are smart too, but driven by some sort of rage or fury that override they smarts. They about as smart as any angry vainy soccer dad having full out I'm going to kill you type fight with blind umpire who make bad call on their kid. You know the type. Instead of hitting though, they again want to eat you flesh. And what am worse am that they want flesh as fresh as possible. If they take down neighbor and start eating and you walk by and say "Hey, what cha eaten?" then they see you walking round and know that waking flesh am fresher so they go after you! Because after all, they want fresh flesh DAMNIT! Both types carry the toxin in they mouth so if they bite you it will get infected and you will die and become one of them. Biotoxin zombie can be stopped with the brain damage thing, but chem zombies can only be stopped by full out dismemberment( which leave you with pile of twitching limbs and things) or full damage to entire zombie, such as burn it all up or dissolve it all in acid. Short of that, they gonna try to get you brains!

Me hope this explain a thing or two.
Glad me could help.

Oh yeah?

Two things have come to Monstee's attention:

1. There am lurkers hanging round cave.
You know who you am! You people who just hang round and no say nothing. Oh sure, you like coming to cave, you like seeing what Monstee up to this time, but you NO comment... You NO send email saying how much you no understand what am going on... You just hang round in cave soaking up funness and joy and no bother to give back so Monstee get new ideas on how to reticule you and make fun... er, me mean inform and entertain you! Yeah, that am ticket!

NO!

You time am limited. Just by you looking round and no commenting you give Monstee IDEA supreme! Me am now going to begin work on new lurker detector/tracker. HA HA! Soon we all see who you really am! HA HA!

2. Some people out there no think Monstee am cute and yummy. They think me am some sort of poopyheaded!

NO!

Me am no poopyheaded! Me am Monstee! Me have always been cute and lovable! You want proof? Here am some baby pictures straight from Momstee!
Am that not most cute and adorable thing you am seeing for long time? This am picture of Monstee just after me hatch. It was big job cracking way into big bad world. Me was tired!But not so tired that me no hear clickity click click of Momstee's camera. Me not know what it am at first... but me soon find out.
mmMMMmmmcamera

Me am going to see Momstee soon on Momstee's day. If you have any questions for Momstee, me will be glad to ask her and post her replies in upcoming post. Until then... BASK IN GLOW OF WARM AND FUZZY PICTURES OF YOUNG MONSTEE!!! BASK AND KNOW AWWWwwwwww!