And another thing!

If you reading this now, then chances am that you been to cave before. And if you been to cave before, chances am that you something about Monstee and his rantings. And if you know anything about Monstee and his rantings, you should know that he rant most about advertising that piss him off. And if you know that he rant most about advertising that piss him off, then you can assume there am reason he am bringing it up now. And if there am reason he am bringing it up now, you can guess that it am because he am going to rant about it now.

SO! If A imply B and B imply C, then A imply C and therefore if you am reading this now you can guess them me am going to rant about advertising that piss me off. See how logical that am? See how that make sense? Why not logic like that be used in these dang commercials that litter up our TV and stick they filth in our minds? Tonight we start with...

Tender, juicy, premium boneless pieces of 100% chicken breast, marinated and breaded in our special seasonings and fried to crispy, golden perfection. It's no bones, all flavor.

You see it? You see what piss me off? Me got no problem with it being boneless. Me got no problem with it being wing. Me got no problem with it being 100% breast meat...

mmmMMMMmmmbreastmeat...

NO! You no distract Monstee with sexy talk of boobie yummy yums! You am liars! You lie and nobody call you on it! Well not no more! Here am Monstee! Me say what need to be said. How am you boneless wings made of breast meat and STILL FUCKING WINGS!!

THEY AM NOT!!

Boneless wing am wing that have no bone, but it AM STILL WING!! All you do am cut up breast meat and CALL it wing. Unless this am special chickens we talking bout. Am this special chicken? Am this magic chicken? Am you all down at KFC labs working on new special magic mutant chicken we need know about?!?!
"Quick! Call the Colonel! We just developed a chicken that can flap and fly with it's TITS!!" NO! That no happen and that am no happening NOW! You am just liars trying to pass off tiny chunks of breastlets dipped in sauce as fucking wings!! THEY AM NOT WINGS!!! HEY! Hey, you want me order bunches of them? Yeah you do. Me tell you what... Me will order all you got in fucking restaurant and you let Monstee pay with me money. Me money am made from 100% used toilet tissue you ASSHOLES!! FUCK YOU! Call wing, wing and call breastlet chunk, breastlet chunk!!!
"Oh gee. I don't know Bob. We need a hook to get chicken to sell. These chunks of breasts will never fly. They're no bigger than a wing. At least they got no bones. Heyyyyy.... Let just call them wings! Boneless wings!"
NO you fucking dickface! These wings am made out of breast meat? Could be try to push any more stupid fucking idea down public gullet?!?!



AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!
FUCK YOU PIZZA HUT!!! FUCK YOU!! It am NOT lasaga pizza!!! Know why? NO LASAGA!! Lasaga am lasaga because of fucking LASAGA NOODLES!!! If you take lasaga noodles out of baked lasagna and put in... oh me not know... say... ziti noodles. You know what you get? YOU GET FUCKING BAKED ZITI!!! THE NAME COME FROM THE GOD DAMNED PASTA YOU DUMB SHITS!!!

What you got here... OH! Pizza crust, beef, marinara sauce, three cheese.... WHERE THE FUCKING LASAGNA?? That not lasagna pizza... THAT EVERY PIZZA!!! FUCKING CRUST, SAUCE, MEAT AND CHEESE!!! THAT JUST FUCKING PIZZA!!!

OK...ok... me will give you something like Alfredo pizza, mainly because it have fucking Alfredo sauce on it and ALFREDO NOT NAME OF THE PASTA!!! OH! OH! Look! Me invented spaghetti pizza! Know what it have on it? FUCKING CRUST, SAUCE, MEAT AND CHEESE!!! Oh look! Mostacholi pizza!! FUCKING CRUST, SAUCE, MEAT AND CHEESE!!! WOO HOO!! Ziti pizza!! FUCKING CRUST, SAUCE, MEAT AND CHEESE!!!

No, no... no... no. Me in mood for something simple. Some old standard.. like... sausage pizza. You know what am on that? FUCKING CRUST, SAUCE, MEAT AND CHEESE!!!

You fuckers!! Please! Do me favor. All you Pizza Hut idea geniuses go over to KFC labs and find them fucking brainiacs and you all go dance ballet. Yeah, get you dicks out and shove them up each other asses. Then yank em out and chili-wip face of guy next to you. End it all with nice case of salad tossing and lethal Asphuxiation and THAT AM ballet!!! Ballet with 100% sodomy!
Enjoy you advertising fucks!

Extended comment -or- One of me peeves!

What with me no posting so much recently and me getting all this hate mail and IMs BEGGING me to post more and me making Lauren sad and everything me would just start turning me REALLY FUCKING LONG comments into posting and we see where we go from there.

OK, so....

Me good friend Binty recently posted something about (among other stuff) the misuse of word IRONIC.

OOOOOO!!! Now this am really BIG pet peeve with me! Me hate it when people use, or try to use big words but no understand what they really mean. Oh sure, sometimes we get the point and understand what they trying to say, but fact am... they am wrong and saying something else!! Me use to hang out with people in high school who do this all the time!! It drive me nuts! Me just want to scream "Read a book for fucks sake!" If you no know that word means, don't use it! If you not sure what word means, LOOK IT UP! Irony am one of the worst for this. Tons of people think they know what it means an they don't. Irony am when the outcome of event or expression through the use or words am opposite or near opposite of what am expected. PLEASE, remember that before you use it!
When people use big words incorrectly, am just so... pedantic!

SEE? See what me did there? If you no know what pedantic mean, go look it up. We wait for you.



Tum dee dum dum...



**YAWN**


Doe dee doe, doe dee doe, doe dee...

OK? See? Pedantic am completely wrong word to use there right? And since me was bitching about that, you would expect me to know, right? That am Ironic! ...and sarcastic. ...and hypocritical. But you get point right? Don't it piss you off too?!?!

Anyway, me will leave you with this. When you read it you know why it come to me mind.
Few years ago me little hatchling come dancing out of her bedcave into main chamber wearing pair of ballet slippers, pink tights, tutu and tiara. She spend several minutes doing allegro and pirouettes and moving her arms from third to forth position as best she could for little child that never had a lesson. For that reason, she was best in her class. All the while she am humming what can only be described as "Swan Lake" hummed by someone that has never heard "Swan Lake". Soon she stop humming but keep dancing...
Hatchling: "Daddy, I know what I want to be when I grow up."
Me: "What am that, hunnybunch?"
Hatchling: "A veterinarian."

THAT am irony!

So Long, Jerkwads!

Yep, that right! Me get back just in time to get deal of lifetime. So now me not need to hang round with you losers no more. You can all bite me hairy but goodbye!

"Why?" You plead.
"Please Monstee," You beg.

HAHAHAHAHA! OK you common folk. Compare you life to mine and kill you self.

Me was supposed to keep this confidential and Urgent, but...

It seem that me get contacted by one Dr. Samuel Lugwana, Director of Project for little thing know as South Africa Department of Minerals and Energy. Yeah... Pretty impressive, no? It seem that him committee have need for individual who am willing to assist with solution to money transfer problem. HEEHEEHEEHEE! Me gonna get the money and YOU got a problem with it?

It seem that these bozos deliberately over-invoice some foreign contracting firm and the balance of the contract (that have already been paid, mind you) values at $28.5m.

If me willing to assist, me gonna get 25%! They gonna keep 70% and give up 5% for taxes and whatever expenses.

HAHAHA!! 25% just for ME!! That like... what? Couple of m bucks at least! HAHAHAHA! And all me gotta do am email them back with me confidential phone and fax number so's they can contact me for further clarifications! Easy peasy!

Sleep well you pathetic little nothings. If you can! And if you can me KNOW you be dreaming of being me or at least being as lucky as me and getting big multi m deal like me am now involved in! HA! You WISH! Maybe me take you along and let you ride on me goattails.... for a GOOF! What ya gonna do for me, huh? That's right. Me got ALL the m's. How you gonna whore you self to me?

You think about it. Me am off to window shop for submarines staffed by gold plated prostitutes and mannequins made of cured meats.

Later, crybabys!

Sweet, Sweet Ranting

If you new to the cave then you not know that me hold some pretty strong feelings about some things. And some of me strongest feelings am for them people what make ads and things for us to buy things. To put it mildly, me think that at best most of them am just a bunch of stupid morons and what they do am nothing more than affront to our intelligence and am slowly helping to bring about decline of western civilization... and at worst they am scourge of demons wrought upon us by Lucifer hisself in vain attempt to lower our expectations of our own intellect and accept what am put in front of us as inevitable so we remain passive sheeple. Either way, they should most of them be taken out and shot in the head, drawn and quartered, put in iron maiden, forced to stay in small room with corpse, stretched on rack, put in the boot, forced to dance with corpse, dunked in cold water, forced to take corpse out to dinner at bad French restaurant, burned with red hot poker, forced to go to see movie "Glitter" with corpse, forced to talk to this girl Rhonda me use to know, forced to kiss corpse goodnight, made to eat glass, forced to accept cup of coffee from corpse, made to wash with draino, forced to give corpse a backrub, have their genitalia put in vice, forced to have sex with corpse, made to suck raw lemon, crucified, forced to spend the night with corpse, hung upside down and dunked in barrel of water, forced to spoon corpse, peed on, forced to have breakfast with corpse, whipped with cat-o-nine tales, wiped with cat-o-nine tales, forced to agree with corpse that "this just might work", forced to have sex with corpse again just to see, have fingernails torn out, forced to break up with corpse in small private place where they can no get away easy, set on fire, forced to convince corpse its them and not it, forced to accept call from weeping corpse, hobbled, forced to run into corpse while out with new corpse, forced to go to see corpse to get some old cd's, forced to have sex with corpse again for old time sake, & given boiling water enema. But that just me.

Now reason me bring all this up am because there am this new commercial that have been getting under me fur recently. Me not know if you familiar with Reeses Peanut Butter Cups or not, but for years now have been using basically same kind of advertising gimmick, so me am jaded to that and it not bother me so much. You know basics... Person doing something while eating chocolate at same time other person am doing something while eating RAW PEANUT BUTTER USUALLY RIGHT OUT OF THE JAR.... But that's ok cause, stupid as it sounds, some people actually do that. SO, when these two people meet, it am usually some kind of bump and they get they stuff mashed together.
"Hey! You got chocolate in my Peanut Butter!"
"Oh yeah! Well you got Peanut Butter on my chocolate!"
"Fuck you!"
"Suck my dick!"
And potential fist fight and gang war am narrowly avoided by both of them trying polluted treat and finding it am better now after the freak accident that seem to KEEP HAPPENING OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN SO MANY VARIATIONS THAT IT NOT FUNNY.... But that not the point.Now they got this NEW candy. Now me am last one to say me not going to try this. Me happen to love caramel AND Reeses very much and me wonder why they no think of this before. What get me am that with this new candy am new ad campaign where them stupid sons-o-bitches in advertising land think they being cute or something and PUSHING MORE STUPIDITY DOWN OUR GULLETS!!! LOOK... look... new commercial, and indeed whole new Reeses campaign, am having to do with NASCAR. Cause we know that ALL of America LOVE NASCAR and in no way find it boring to watch cars drive around in circles for hours and we all sit back and dream of being drivers like Kevin Harvick who just so happen to be walking down street eating Reeses Peanut Butter Cup and listening to what appear him ipod. This am perfectly normal. Many people do stuff like this everyday. And we all know how distracting it can be when wearing earphones on our ipod. So you see potential accident approaching, right? Enter Tony Kanaan, another NASCAR driver. Huh, what am the odds? But Tony Kanaan am a different kind of person than Kevin Harvick. Yes, Tony Kanaan have different tastes in treats and technology. See, him am walking down street talking on cell phone and... enjoying... hisself... nice... OPEN... jar... of... CARAMEL!! :::pant,pant::: Me comment little more on this later, but you can guess result...THAT'S RIGHT!!! As we all know from
everywhere, doing stuff while on call phone and listening to headphones anywhere but safely seated in lounge chair am NOTHING more than recipe for disaster!! A full on collision occurs and Kevin Harvick's Reeses goes straight into Tony Kanaan's... open... jar... of... caramel. :::huff, puff:::
The standard variant on the complaints are exchanged and they try the new candy. Oh sure, it looks good.Me have no problem with that! Far from it! Next time me out and about at some gas station or something, me am gonna look for them an pick one up. NO. What get me am the utter stupidity of the aforementioned exchange. OK, granted! Yes, people DO walk down streets. Yes, people do wear earphones and talk on phones and it distracts them. And YES, they even eat candy while doing it and bump into people. But never... And me mean NEVER... In the history of humanity has ANYONE... EVER... walked down the street LEISURELY CARRYING OPEN JAR OF CARAMEL!!! THE OTHER GUY IS EATING THE FUCKING CANDY, WHAT IS THIS GUY DOING? ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE HE'S EATING IT PLAIN?!?! RIGHT OUT OF THE JAR? HIS HANDS ARE FULL!! HE'S ON THE PHONE!! AM HE DRINKING IT RIGHT OUT OF THE JAR??? THERE'S NO SPOON OR ANYTHING!! HE'S EITHER DRINKING IT RIGHT OUT OF THE JAR OR EATING IT WITH HIS FINGERS WHEN HE PUTS THE PHONE AWAY!!! NO, IT DOESN'T HAPPEN!! THAT IS SO STUPID!!! Oh, oh oh!! And in the crash part of the Reeses breaks off into the caramel??? FUCK YOU!!! NO!!! Peanut butter am a thick substance. ALMOST a solid. YES, it would break chocolate bar NO PROBLEM! NO!!! Caramel am a thick viscous substance, but TOTALLY lack the resistance to even effect the thick solid chunk of a Reeses cup!! Fuck you!! And FUCK YOU Tony Kanaan! You look like an idiot!!
"Oh, I think I'm gonna go for a walk and drink my jar full of straight caramel. WOW. I need to call someone on my cell phone an tell them how good it is! Hello mom? mmMMMMMMmmmmcaramel!"
YOU STUPID FOOL!! DO YOU NEED THE MONEY THAT MUCH?!?! Why you let them do this?? Me could come up with less stupid shit!!

Look, look... Tony Kanaan am working on making better tasting caramel, he in lab coat in him laboratory... that happen to be on his stoop right by street and sidewalk. Kevin Harvick come walking by, trip and fling him Reeses into Tony Kanaan's supply of caramel.
"You FUCKER!! I'll KILL you!!"
"Bring it on, bitch!!"
And they try the new candy.

And me pull that right out of me ASS!! Fuck you add men! Give me millions of dollars and me let me come up with stupid shit for the TV! You should all be taken out and either bitch slapped repeatedly... or vomited on!

Monstee has never gotten VD!

It just make no sense to me. When me was little Monstee, we was made to make valentines for everyone in class. Then we was told that valentines day am for lovers or people who want to be lovers to write notes and give gifts. ME NO WANT TO BE LOVERS WITH TAFARI HOUSTON*!!! Me no want to be lovers with ANY of little boys in me class, so why me got to make valentines for them? So they not feel left out? TOUGH!! What am you pushing off on me young mind here teacher? Polyamery?!?!

As me get older, me look into history to try to make sense of strange holiday. It seem that their am stories about some old St. Valentine... but stories am varied and conflicting. Their may have been as many as 3. They was all martyrs. Cool. Hey baby, some old cardinal or priest or something went and got himself deaded bout thousand years ago. It was probably gross and everything. Wanna make out and sit by lake and watch birds and feed each other candy? Hello? We talking possibly beheading and maybe disemboweling! That not make you all romantic? OH! So sorry, me was trying to reach you roommate. Am she there? Hey baby... what me said earlier. What? You know who this am. Wanna be me dead priest? Me said you KNOW who this am! It am you valentine! NO ITS NOT BLAIN**!!

And the gifts!!! Cards with hearts on them. Boxes in shape of hearts with candy in them. Little bears holding hearts. Pillow shaped like hearts with sayings on them. Everywhere you look, hearts, hearts, hearts! They all fake!! FAKE!! You ever try giving real heart for valentines day? It real buzz kill let me tell you!! If nobody want real bit bloody heart on valentines day, why they go and have all the fake ones around all over place?!?!

Best valentines day me ever have me spend alone after me piss off me current girlfriend*** at time. Me had wanted to do something special so me look in phone book to get her big valentine. Me as thinking big! Me was thinking chocolate! Me was thinking adult. Me find place that say me could get really big adult cake surprise thingy for some low rate per hour. Me was a little confused but if it came with chocolate inside then me would take it. They say it could and the "chocolate" would even "love" me girlfriend as much as me wanted for little more money. Me not know why they use quotes when they talk but me make plans to have cake delivered. It not go as planed. When me girl see big cake with its read heart pinned to side of cake and trap door on top and music playing from inside, she go ballistic and storm out, leaving ME to eat entire cake by meself. It not best cake me ever have. It not very sweet, kinda cardboardy. But the middle was fresh, juicy, meaty and kinda screamy! But again me got screwed cause me taste NO chocolate at all!!!

Me hate VD.


*Boy me go to little school with.
**Boy me go to little school with.
***Girl me go to High school with.

Monstee gets irked for no reason

OK,

...so me know this will no matter to any body but Monstee cause it am just one of those things that bug me for no reason me can tell except that it do. And why am that? ME NOT KNOW!!! If me did, me might know how to deal with it and not get you panties in such big bunch over nothing! Yeah, me know. Me said "you" panties. But that cause me no wear panties, stupid! Sorry, sorry... Me not mean to take it out on you. Me just need to understand this.

Have you seen this commercial for Yoplait yogurt where there am this girl who have yellow polka-dot bikini and she want to lose weight so she look good in it? Well, this commercial have us believe that she just eat yogurt for like six months and it all work out. Now that not what piss me off. What piss me off am fact that they play that old song "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini" in background. No! That not what burn me ass! Me rarely have problems with that old music crap! Or that old crap music! NO! In fact, what am playing in background am not the real song. NO! As usual those bastards in big world of advertising and soulless marketing have gone and changed lyrics of song just a bit. Not a lot! No! Just enough to... Well me not know why!! Typically those noxious quiefs change works to better match product and help sell they product and diminish our lives just one little bit further... BUT NOT THIS TIME!!! NO! Me think this time they do it just for the fuck of it! Just because they can! Why they got to do it at all? Me truly hope and dream that first guy to think up idea of taking good old music from past and changing lyrics to better sell they shit am in hell strapped to burning chunk of brimstone and having sheet music for all songs changed in this way shoved so far up him ass he cough up note books! Be me know he not... because he am the devil. Who else come up with idea?
"Hey Guys, since none of you have the imagination or talent to come up with something original, entertaining or noteworthy in any way, why don't you just take an old song that is already stuck in everyone's mind and change the lyrics to match the product? That way when they hear the real song they will still think of the product and you will have won on two fronts. Hail to me, your lord Satan. Line up for sodomy!"

Now me have become jaded to process somewhat, but this am just so stupid. If you look at lyrics to original song, you see that chorus go:
"It was an itsy, bitsy, teenie, weenie, yellow polka-dot bikini
That she wore for the first time today"
And on commercial they have:
"She wore an itsy, bitsy, teenie, weenie, yellow polka-dot bikini
That she wore for the first time today"
What the hell is that?!?! Me know, me know, it'm tiny little change and really don't mean anything... but still... what the hell?!?! It make NO sense. Look, look... if we take out some adjectives and phrases, what we get?
#1 - "It was a bikini that she wore"
#2 - "She wore a bikini that she wore"
God damn it! Will somebody please tell me.... What the HELL?!?! That not even good English! OH, oh, now you gonna say that maybe me not the best person to be pointing out bad English, right? Right?

Fuck you! Fuck you, fuck you and FUCK YOU!!
You're ALL dicks.

The fix is in

It have come to me attention that some of pics at cave have no been showing up in certain browsers or on certain computers along our info-highway.

Why you people no tell me this earlier?!?!

Many thanks to Ivar for filling Monstee in (even though me was at friends house last week and me discover problem meself). To repay kindness, you am moved to back of line for torture and ridicule... er, hazing... er, special welcoming to cave. But because you as only second to last person to be new at cave (and self confessed lurker) that only put one person in front of you....

Hello PerversoActor! Me have been to you blog.... did not understand one word. Ok, one word... maybe two. Three or four tops, but it help if me know what language it am in. Me would like to welcome you in you native language, but me not know what country you am from. Am it Hungry, Turkey, Greece?

mmmMMMmmmmmmturkeygrease....

NO! You NO distract Monstee with talk of you yummy homeland stuffed with bread crumbs and sitting in pan with mouth-watering drippings!! Me am Monstee! Me want to know why nobody tell me they not be seeing all Monstee's pictures that me be going out of way to hang on cave wall?

Me am approachable! Me am friendly! Me post me email address and AIM Handel for all to see just in case they want to reach out and say something like "Hi Monstee! How am you? Me can no see all you pictures you so lovingly hang on cave wall for everyone to enjoy! Me must be idiot!" Then me would very nicely says "NO! You am no stupid for THAT reason. That am problem with way me browser download certain pics. Me just discover it and am in process of fixing problem files.... MOTARD!!" But NooooOOOOOOOoooooo!!! You people all just go on giggling behind Monstee's back under him nose bout how he keep posting pictures nobody but him can see.

NOW me know why nobody give Monstee very many caption ideas for him funny picture.
You can see it now? If no, you going to tell Monstee? If you do see pic, feel free to go back and check out other pics you might have missed. We am fixing and updating all the time (which am definitely taking time away from developing lurker detected). Hopefully, soon ALL of me pics will be fixed and you then have NO problem seeing all Monstee's pretty pictures.

Me no like to post pictures that can no be picked up by all people... but if you have right kind of computer, link, server and browser... maybe you like to see dirty picture of last first time Monstee have sex.And before you start asking same old questions all over again...
1) Yes! She am shaving me ass.
2) NO. That am not midget arm sticking out of side of waterbed, it am blow up doll that get stuffed there somehow. Midget am taking picture.
3) Yes! Them am real tattoos on her body. Pic not so good to show all of them but there am Bat with yellow eyes, Oingo Boingo skull, chain of dancing beans, portrait of Sting (in circle with line through it), portrait of Danny Elfman (in circle with line through it), portrait of Monstee (NOTE: this am old pic. Today tattoo of Monstee portrait am in circle with line through it and next to portrait of Trent Reznor... DANG YOU Reznor! You one up me once again!), Band Logo's (The Police, The Sex Pistols, The Ramones, The Damned, The Dickies, Gen X, Misfits, Dead Kennedys, Devo, Black Flag, Sisters of Mercy, The Clash, Oingo Boingo, Adam & the Ants, Elvis Costello, XTC, Joe Jackson, the specials), Slippery when wet sign, scratch and sniff sign, Exit only sign (in circle with line through it), the covers of like the first 10 Steven King books, a shark with a MOD hat.
4) No. That am NOT optical illusion. They am that big and their spectacular.
5) NO. There am only 5 adult toys. You am counting pink one twice cause it wrap around.
6) Yes. You may download pic for you own use.


Feel free to submit caption for either pic!

Monstee Hates something on TV

OK!
OK!
You want me post more? Here am posting for ya!!

Me just now for about the one brazilionth time watched that holiday feel good Coke commercial on TV where cute and fuzzy polar bear slide down side of snow drift into happy party penguin flock... hmmm.... flock of penguins? School of penguins? Pride? Gander? OH HANG ON!!!

:::taptaptap::: ...google... :::taptaptap::: ....group of penguins... :::tap::: ...no, no, no, group of penguins... ...group of penguins... HA!! "A group of birds are called a "flock" where as a group of penguins are called a "colony"." OK.

So, me was watching this commercial where happy smiling little polar bear go sliding down snow pile and come face to face with COLONY of penguins that am all partying and drinking coke and having good time and next thing you know mama and papa polar bear am there with baby and little baby chick type penguin... chick? ARGHHHH!!!! HANG ON!!!!!

:::taptaptap:::...google... :::taptaptap:::....Penguin chick... :::tap::: ...penguin chick, Penguin chick, penguin chick, penguin chick, Penguin chick, penguin chick, Penguin chick.... FINE!

...this little baby chick type penguin pops out and cutely hops over and offers little polar bear cub bottle of coke. He/she/it drink up Coke and everyone go on having party and merry ole' Cokemass.

Why this commercial bother me so? EVERY time me see it me get SO.... Bothered!!!! Me want to SCREAM 'THERE AM NO POLAR BEARS AT SOUTH POLE WITH PENGUINS AND NO PENGUINS AT NORTH POLE WITH POLAR BEARS!!!!!'

Me not know why this am only thing that bother me. Me have no problem getting round fact that...

Happy dancing penguins am drinking out of bottles with beaks.

Coke somehow have remained liquid in tempters that FREEZES SEA WATER!!!

When little bear cub come sliding down drift, penguins just stand around looking at him/her/it instead of scattering and sliding on bellies into water.

Penguins have they chicks that close to water when we all know that penguins walk sometimes over one hundred miles from water to breading grounds! (Did we not all see March of the Penguins?)

That baby bear instinctively knows how to drink out of Coke bottle when it look like he/she/it may not even be weaned yet.

When mama and papa bear come up behind baby bear that they just wait for little chick to give baby bear Coke instead of tearing into entire COLONY and leaving snow dripping red with blood and gore and shreds of meat and half chewed feathers.

Or, for that matter why papa bear am there at all because mama bear should be trying to tear him throat out to keep him from munching down on baby bears yummy entrails and sweet, sweet organ meats.

So why only the location and mixing of animal thing? If me can take the rest of nonsense, and me not take that too? And why stupid think like that make me want to put foot through screen of TV and yell till me lungs explode and throw TV at head of advertising agent and make him/her/its brains fall out?

You tell me.

Virus WARNING!!! (and me speaking from experience)

If you receive email entitled
"Bedtimes"
delete it IMMEDIATELY.

Do not open it!!

Let me tell you, this virus am pretty nasty. It not only erase everything on you hard drive, but it also delete anything on you external disks within 20 feet of you computer! It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of you credit cards. It reprograms you ATM access code, screws up tracking on you VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program you cell phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.

This virus will mix antifreeze into you fish tank!

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL you beer.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace you shampoo with Nair and you Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave toilet seat up and leave you hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to full bathtub. It will not only remove forbidden tags from you mattresses and pillows, it will also refill you skim milk with whole milk.

***WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that you right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite person or furnature nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone!!!

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX, and just look at you, how pitiful - you're on the computer!!!!

Peace starts with a smile!

Strange Things Afoot in the Mouth of the Cave!

Why? Why ME?!? Why do things like this keep happening to me??!!??!!?

Well, by now me guess that you notice things am little strange round here now. Me have to say, me no like it. If you no notice, then you must have you sound turned down. If you no have sound on you computer, then you am out of date freak who am living on desert island with string and tin cans for you dial up and bunch of monkeys plugging into banana tree for you server. It ok, me am just figment of you imagination. You can skip all me ranting and raving in THIS post and just go boil you other shoe for brunch. But remember, salt am salt but sand am NOT pepper! mmMMMMmmmshoebrunch...

NO! You no distract Monstee with talk of leather snack/meal in nice location while screaching wild life fling poo at you while eating!!! Me am Monstee! Me am in VERY bad mood! Things am not going well in cave and you am just visiting... ME have to live here!!!

"But Monstee... what am going on here?" you ask? Me make big mistake and have accadent and now... THIS! Why? Why me have to go an try to play internet god? Why? Me know why... Because me am. NO! It am those LURKERS... That am why cave am now like is am, the lurkers....

You see, me have been working on way to find out who the lurkers am, and humiliate er... Include them in fun, but up till now me have been having problem with Monstee's Lurker detector. What me wanted was way to access computer of lurker and turn they screen into camera! Then me take picture of them and post it showing them and saying... oh, nice and friendly things about then. Good Idea huh? BUT NOOOOooooOOO!!! Me had to go and spill jar of liquid reference extractor into backmasking reverse engineering housing and then telepathic thought detector circuits fuse in new and strange way that begin causing feedback impulses that begin looping over and over and voyeur and favor andy Volvo DNA rover and ME CAN NO STOP IT!!!

:::pant:::pant:::pant:::

In simple human term that even island bob no soundcard can understand am this. We am all being subjected to thoughts and feelings of all visitors to Monstee's Cave... but those thoughts and feelings am being interpreted and expressed through bizarre and obscure TV and Movie references. OKOKOKOK!!! YES!!! Me do most of me scientific stuff on top of old pile of old TV guides!!! You wanna make something of it??? Where were you last time you accidentally created artificial intelligence??? Hmmmm??? Me was in bathroom trying to make improved electric toothbrush!!! Was it smart??? Yes! Was it better toothbrush??? NO! It was evil! Did me not mention me ONLY HAVE SEVEN TEETH!!!!

This am last straw!!! Me am going to get them Lurkers if it last thing me do!!!!

Monstee's tips to stop smoking

Yeah, yeah, me know, me know... There am lots of "You quit smoking now with what we say you do!" type stuff out there, but me am just going to give you few tips that have worked for me recently.

"What am that?" You say. "Am you saying that Monstee have stopped smoking?!?!?"

yup. That am what me am saying. Me have no idea what they am going to do with all them fields of tobacco that they now going to find laying round. Someone somewhere am going to notice that they am not making NEARLY as much money as they was.

"Surely you no smoke THAT much, Monstee?" Well first off, me no smoke Monstee, me smoke cigarettes.... and you no call me Shirley! Me am Monstee. When me did smoke way back when me was smoking two weeks ago, me was smoking lots! Me was going through about two lighters a day! Now, nada.

"How you do it?" Why am you asking? Who am you and why you want to know? Am you trying to steal Monstee's no smoking ideas and sell them on internet or late night infomercial that come on in between Girls Gone Wild and... and... some other late night infomercial that not come to mind because now me can not get idea of Girls Gone Wild infomercial out of mind.

NO! You no distract Monstee with constant reminder of young and nubile co-eds that have never and will never have noting to do with likes of Monstee. They am not real! Me refuse to believe they am real! Me am old enough to know that if you get young college age type girls drunk enough they no flash you they boobs! They just throw up in you bedroom and make you drive them home while they throw up in you car on way! NO! Me am Monstee! You can NO FOOL ME!!

"Gee Monstee, clam down. You seem kinda tense." YOU GET OUT OF CAVE!! You get out of cave and no come back till you treat Monstee better!! This am me cave! You get out and find nice garbage truck you crawl into and die! Me no have to take this!!! Me am Monstee!

:::storming off to get some sort of snack:::

Choosy Monsters Choose...

OK, so Kate leave this hanging round her blog...
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Either leave your answers or a link to your webpage with your responses.

Would you rather:
1. your ears be bleeding OR your eyes?
2. smell like vanilla cake frosting OR fresh-cut lime wedges?
3. get comments on your hair OR your smile?
4. have an addiction to coffee OR an addiction to bubble gum?

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Now me sometimes have problem answer thingys like this and you see why it upset Monstee so much...

1. ...your ears be bleeding OR your eyes?
Me pick ears, but only because it mean that then me HAVE ears! This question am ANTI-MONSTITE! You no know how questions like this am for me people! Look, look... Which you rather get cut off in car accident, toes or antenna? SEE!! See how it feel!!!

2. ...smell like vanilla cake frosting OR fresh-cut lime wedges?
Vanilla cake frosting OR fresh-cut lime wedges? Am that frosting on vanilla cake or vanilla frosting ON cake?? AND WHAT DIFFERENCE AM IT IF IT WEDGES?!?! Never have Monstee noticed wedgy undertone to fresh-cut lime sent! [sigh] Me go with limes... But me want it on record that me prefer lime RINGS smell to wedges.

3. ...get comments on your hair OR your smile?
[shaking hard trying not to explode] THAT DEPEND ON COMMENT!!!! Look, look... "Gee, your hair smells terrific!" vs. "Dude, your fang are creeping me out." am TOTALLY different than "Nice hair, find any spiders in it?" vs. "Oooo, I love your pearly whites!" ARGGGH! "Blue" and "Long" am both comments about me hair and teeth, but me no prefer either!!! If you talking abut complements then SAY complements!!!! Great, now me bleeding from me eyes... ok, me pick smile.

4. ...have an addiction to coffee OR an addiction to bubble gum?
Now this am a good question. It am straight forward and to point and am something me know about... Addiction! Monstee am heavy smoker. Me go through 1 1/2 to 2 lighters a day. For this me want bubble gum, but me want coffee flavored bubble gum! Me love coffee too, but me not addicted. Me going to drink some now.

mmmMMMmmmmcoffee.

That so good, me drink another pot.

MMMMmmmmMMMMMcoffee.

Thatwas goodtoo. Megonna drink anotherpotnow.

MmMmMmMmMmMmMmMcOfFeE!

Melovecoffeesomuchthatmenotknowwhatmedoifmenogetmecoffeethatkeepmonsteegoing.
Ohyeahmealsosometimeslikeflavoredcoffeelikethisherethatamsomeflavorlikemapleortreesquirrel orsomethinganditamsoundingsogoodrightnowthatmethinkmewilljusteatitstraightandnotbotherbrewitupinpot!

mmmmmcofygrnds!

mntknwwhymlkcffsmchbtmnwthkmgnnatmrcfgrnds!

mmm!


{beep}

Monstee Rants on Stuff

Ok, me just want take time out from scrapbook picture looking to get few things off of chest. Now me know that Me am Monstee, and Monstee not have best grip on language and words of spoken nature, but why advertising and media type people use words that am clearly untrue just so they sway us to they product?

Like cheese whiz! It am not a whiz at all! It barely cheese!

mmmMMMmmmmbear cheese.

NO! Me can take fact that it am a cheesy type product, but IT AM NO WHIZ AT ANYTHING!!! Whiz am short for wizard. Me bet that even you get VAT full of stuff, it never do one magic trick! NO! It am not a wizard. Whiz also mean really good at something. What it good at? Oh, what it do? OHHhhhhh, it am melted at room temp... It am easy to cook with... Well so am water!!! What that make ice??? Water Whiz?? Whiz also mean something smart. Am cheese whiz smart? ...Ok, me never test it, but me no think so! Just because you call thing smart, it no make it smart! You ever hear of 'Pet Smart'? Pets am not smart! They eat they own poo.

mmmmMMMmmmmpet poo.

NO! One man's snackfood am another man's litterbox, but pets am not smart! Monstee have pet and it am not smart. It getting dumber every day. Me come home one day and find it running round cave screaming. That not smart. Then it stop screaming and hide behind old moldy box of porn. That REALLY not smart. Then it stop hiding and just lay there. Now you tell me, how am that smart. Ok, it do have new trick. After weeks just laying there it start stinking and gathering flies. New trick, yes; smart trick, no. Me swear, that thing lose it's head if me not keep rolling it back behind moldy box of porn for it.