Ahoy New People - Find the secret hidden message and win a prize!

(Note to old people: Me not excluding you in title, just go with it an you see...)
((Note to them that took offence to being called old people: Fuck off! You know what me meant. Old as in you not new to cave like these other shmoes me talking to. Now shut up!))
(((Note to you gits who tool offence to being called shmoe: It just sounds bad! Really, it a good name. You WANT to be a shmoe! Really. Just keep reading.)))

Me am Monstee! This am me cave. Me live here, sleep here, dream here... and sometimes... fall in love here. Oh sure, it not much. Dark, dank, slimy, smells of beer, vomit and used ky-jelly, but it am home to me and you am welcome.

Recently in many of them other peoples blogs me read me have been coming across common topic of Blogging Addiction. This get me to thinking. Me in NO way think me am addicted to blogging, because me can stop whenever me want! Really!! It no big deal. Me just blog now and again cause me like it. It am nice to get comments back from people who read you blog, but me not do it for that. No, in fact me recently check me stats and me see that me tend to get over 1000 unique people a month logging on and checking out cave. Over 100 unique people a day! That pretty good numbers for me. Oh sure, those of you who am old time cavedwellers be standing up about now saying Hey Monstee! What you talking bout? Last year you was looking ways to get people to find you blog and check you out! You started Monstee's Discount Cave Of Porn!! (p.p.) just for that reason. Am you saying you over all that?

Yes. Me not doing this for readers anymore. Sure, me get the numbers now, from all over world... but they not staying. No, sad fact am that 70% of all me traffic through cave am here for less than 30 second. They not looking for Monstee, they looking for something else. Why, just take look at what they searching for when they get here!!!

Nude - This am the number one search that bring people here. OK, me do this. Hey, what good am having Monstee's Discont Cave Of Porn (p.p.) if you not mention word nude?

Suck Satan's Cock - Ok, me can see this. Me use Bill Hicks famous quote in post around here somewhere.

reese's commercial hey you got chocolate in my peanut butter hey you got peanut butter in my chocolate - Yeah, me did do rant on this some time ago...

eat jar peanut butter a day - What the? Interesting idea, but me not know why it get you here.

nude girls - Ok, more porn.

little willys songs - Me am at a total loss on this. Did me EVER talk about Little Wills or songs about them? NO! So why they fuck search engine bring people here?

yoplait yogurt commercial - Ok, yes, me did do rant on how this thing suck!! MAN IT SUCK!!!

young nude free - Yeah, more porn.

removing gaul bladder - When, WHEN me EVER talk abuot that? Don't you thinkg that this am the type of thing you would remember posting about?

kanaan gang - Me not event know what THAT am.

taste the rainbow enema gross - WHAT THE FUCK?

ingredients mr. pib - Now this am funny cause anyone who know me know... me a pepper.

parapism - Little known fact.... That me middle name.

duct taped and tied up men photos - OK NOW FUCK YOU GOOGLE!! NO!! ME KNOW FOR FACT THAT ME NEVER, NEVER EVER TALKED ABOUT ANYTHING LIKE THAT!!!

long schlongs - NO! Fuck no!! Stop it!!

satans cock images - Not here, but at lease me understand why link get made. Me talk about Satans cock, me have images... it make sense.

shortest chain saw made - This make NO sense!! For what you need somthng like this? Playing Leatherface with mice? Never fucking talked about it! Don't sell it! Why it bring people here?!?!

sexoholic disorder - Me have mentioned Sarah haven't me? Joke!! Me KID!! That what me do!! Me a funny guy! (she not gonna hit me am she?)

dumb stuff to do online - Did me talk about this? Oh, lord only knows.

felching rimjob - Ok. Yes. Them words did appear on list when me was doing my News In Literature post. But me bet anyone who come here from tht search am going to be little bit disapointed!

stop commenting on my blog - (sigh)

large girls - porn...

sploshing - Me don't know...

two snooker balls in a sock - OK, hold it!! Why? What am point? Me know it am reference to having big BALLS or something, but me no make it!!! That not even sound like me, do it? Me have balls so big they like two snooker balls in a sock! NO!

adrianne barbeau - Of all me exes, she am only one who brings in the searches. Thanks babe!

sex girl - porn

explain the odor of chrysanthemums - Fuck off and die!

were is black water cave - up you ass?

cough chunk pneumonia - As opposed to titter slice pneumonia.

enormous schlongs - God damn it.

girls sliming each other - Who... what.... why.... HUH?

monstee machine - This just make me wonder what they was looking for when they type this into search engine to begin with!

You see? That am the type of shit that MOST of me readers am looking for. Do me oblige them, no. Me not here for that. Me here to do what ME want. That's what blogging am for me.

Oh, and regarding that prize for finding secret hidden message in post. Me just trying to get you new people to hang out more than 30 seconds!! It's ALL total wank!! HAHAHA!! IT AM THE NUMBERS! That what it all about! Me get bigger numbers, me win!!! HAHAHA!!
ME AM MONSTEE!!

The fix is in

It have come to me attention that some of pics at cave have no been showing up in certain browsers or on certain computers along our info-highway.

Why you people no tell me this earlier?!?!

Many thanks to Ivar for filling Monstee in (even though me was at friends house last week and me discover problem meself). To repay kindness, you am moved to back of line for torture and ridicule... er, hazing... er, special welcoming to cave. But because you as only second to last person to be new at cave (and self confessed lurker) that only put one person in front of you....

Hello PerversoActor! Me have been to you blog.... did not understand one word. Ok, one word... maybe two. Three or four tops, but it help if me know what language it am in. Me would like to welcome you in you native language, but me not know what country you am from. Am it Hungry, Turkey, Greece?

mmmMMMmmmmmmturkeygrease....

NO! You NO distract Monstee with talk of you yummy homeland stuffed with bread crumbs and sitting in pan with mouth-watering drippings!! Me am Monstee! Me want to know why nobody tell me they not be seeing all Monstee's pictures that me be going out of way to hang on cave wall?

Me am approachable! Me am friendly! Me post me email address and AIM Handel for all to see just in case they want to reach out and say something like "Hi Monstee! How am you? Me can no see all you pictures you so lovingly hang on cave wall for everyone to enjoy! Me must be idiot!" Then me would very nicely says "NO! You am no stupid for THAT reason. That am problem with way me browser download certain pics. Me just discover it and am in process of fixing problem files.... MOTARD!!" But NooooOOOOOOOoooooo!!! You people all just go on giggling behind Monstee's back under him nose bout how he keep posting pictures nobody but him can see.

NOW me know why nobody give Monstee very many caption ideas for him funny picture.
You can see it now? If no, you going to tell Monstee? If you do see pic, feel free to go back and check out other pics you might have missed. We am fixing and updating all the time (which am definitely taking time away from developing lurker detected). Hopefully, soon ALL of me pics will be fixed and you then have NO problem seeing all Monstee's pretty pictures.

Me no like to post pictures that can no be picked up by all people... but if you have right kind of computer, link, server and browser... maybe you like to see dirty picture of last first time Monstee have sex.And before you start asking same old questions all over again...
1) Yes! She am shaving me ass.
2) NO. That am not midget arm sticking out of side of waterbed, it am blow up doll that get stuffed there somehow. Midget am taking picture.
3) Yes! Them am real tattoos on her body. Pic not so good to show all of them but there am Bat with yellow eyes, Oingo Boingo skull, chain of dancing beans, portrait of Sting (in circle with line through it), portrait of Danny Elfman (in circle with line through it), portrait of Monstee (NOTE: this am old pic. Today tattoo of Monstee portrait am in circle with line through it and next to portrait of Trent Reznor... DANG YOU Reznor! You one up me once again!), Band Logo's (The Police, The Sex Pistols, The Ramones, The Damned, The Dickies, Gen X, Misfits, Dead Kennedys, Devo, Black Flag, Sisters of Mercy, The Clash, Oingo Boingo, Adam & the Ants, Elvis Costello, XTC, Joe Jackson, the specials), Slippery when wet sign, scratch and sniff sign, Exit only sign (in circle with line through it), the covers of like the first 10 Steven King books, a shark with a MOD hat.
4) No. That am NOT optical illusion. They am that big and their spectacular.
5) NO. There am only 5 adult toys. You am counting pink one twice cause it wrap around.
6) Yes. You may download pic for you own use.


Feel free to submit caption for either pic!

New Year, New People, Nuisance

Well that baby with diaper and sash around him neck am about here and just in time too because me like to put the hurt on that old man with diaper and sash around him neck! 2005 was not very good year for you friend Monstee. Oh sure, the food was good. Music, TV and the movies seemed to be improving. Booze seemed to flow like it had been bottled up somewhere. There were plenty of women and the sex just keeps getting better and more interesting every single week! But in 2005 me stopped smoking and me am still little pissed off bout that! Me liked smoking! It make Monstee look cool! It make me feel manly. Now it gone and what me got? Just outstanding good looks and enormous genitals. Me guess that will have to be enough.

For those of you who not know, it am well into festive time for me people and me want to take this little break from Monstashona and wish you all happy holidays of you own. Be it belated Christmas, belated birthday, belated chanukah, belated kwanza, belated Hanukkah, belated trash day, belated anniversary, belated voodoo day, belated fishstick day, belated Independence Day (Slovenia), belated Junkanoo, belated Admission Day, belated Saint Thomas of Canterbury Feast Day, belated Tick Tock Day, belated No Interruptions Day,belated Bo Diddley's Birthday, belated Leap Second Adjustment day, belated Make Up Your Mind Day, belated Cathode-Ray Tube Day, belated Winter Solstice, belated Crossword Puzzle Day, belated Forefather's Day, belated Humbug Day, belated Phileas Fogg Wins a Wager Day or whatever day you and the horse you rode in on chooses to celebrate... Me hope that whatever jolly fat pagan has you number, he/she/it sends you everything you want and half of what you truly deserve! And as you gather with you family round that tall aluminum pole, air you grievance's and perform you feats of strength, remember that no matter how great the gift/black eye/mixed drink or whatever that we get from our friends/family am... it in no way compares to the warm, comforted,completely fulfilled feeling we get when we go out of our way to have sex with big blue hairy monsters...or just give him cash if we am a guy.

And speaking of guys, me would like to take what little time me have now while family clears away feasting things and brings in drinking things to give formal greetings to new people visiting cave and NOT HANGING OUT LIKE BUNCH OF LURKERS!!

First am Sol at Hall of the Slain. Now it am true that the hall am a little thin right now, but that just because it so new. If you got there you can no help but notice new blog smell. But Sol MORE that make up for him blogging frequency being somewhere between... oh, say me and old rotten tree stump by commenting. You can no look for bugs under dead cat without finding comment by Sol. Hi Sol! Me am Monstee! Nice of you come by and comment. Me like that.

Same with ScarletSphinx at My tender prison. Hey SS! Nice you come by and comment instead of soak up all cavey goodness and NO GIVE BACK LIKE NO GOOD LOUSY LURKER!!! Like Sol, SS have what appear to be brand new blog that seem to be well under way. Good luck to both you two! You going to need it if keep coming round here....(hehehehehe)

Next are people who suck. No, not lurkers. People who comment at cave and STILL suck. Why they suck? Me not sure how answer that cause me not sure what they up to. Me not going to give they links cause when me try them me get page saying account am canceled and then me computer start doing strange things and me got to restart. Lucky me have Macinrock and nothing damaged or infected, but still since they all have addresses so similar (www.some letter two digit number some other letter.com/ ~first name ~second name) that me believe they all in this together. They also only comment to Monstee's older posts and then comments with strange things like when me rant on stupid things they say "Thanks!" What the hell am that? What the hell am going on? Me not know and me not like it so Wallace Skovira, Merrill Catchings & Rolando Durall... You all suck! Unless you prove to Monstee that you real people and not trying to fish or infect computers, me NEVER going to welcome you to cave and NEVER going to give you hard time and see if you can take it and come back to play!

Speaking of heatherfeather at Love me, love my caribou, she am only one who DARE to take Monstee challenge in me Popularity Contest! True, me no really go to trouble of actually checking her work to see if she do it all right... BUT WHY ME HAVE TOO? SHE ONLY ONE WHO DO IT! Hi heatherfeather, welcome to cave! Me have been to her blog before and me not real sure how me got there. All me know is she am real nice person even if she post stuff about THEM. Her blog am REAL clean and have smell of fresh yarn, bleach and dog hair.

mmmMMMMMMmmmmuseddoggysweater....

NO! You no distract Monstee with talk of warm fuzzy treats! Heatherfeather am only one who take challenge so she win! Now she am most popular girl in cave! (sorry Adrianne Barbeau, you had 13 days.) Now me get posting from Heatherfeather asking what she win. What she win? Well, truth am me never expect anybody win. Let me see what we got around here...
:::BUMP::CRASH::SMASH::CREEK::SLAM::drip drip drip::SMASH::CRASH::
Here we go! You win this! One genuine stuffed animal thingy guaranteed NOT be possessed by Satan or any of hims minions as long as you no look at it, talk to it, touch it, listen to it, smell it, or interact with it in any way. And for God's sake... DON'T CLICK ON IT.
(everybody else shutup!)
BUT WAIT! Heatherfeather you're today's big winner! You can either keep what you have... or trade it for what am in the moldy box of porn!
Everybody:oooooOOOOOOOOOooooooooo AAAAAAHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh......
Take you time heatherfeather, we be right back with you right after word from our sponsor.

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How many times have this happen to you?
You trolling on web looking at new blogs when you run across person who only give profile picture of part of they face. How you supposed to know what they look like? How you know if you can trust them? How you know if the two faced or not?
Well now you know, thanks to the help of Monstee Inc.'s new...
Profile Facial Extrapolator!
Yes Monstee Inc. the company that brought you Monstee's Discount Cave of Porn! (p.p.) and Monsteespeak Translator 1.0 now brings you,
the Profile Facial Extrapolator!
Simply place the picture above the buttons provided and you instantly have access to over three kinds of extrapolation! Just listen to these people!
"This outta be right." - one of our programmers
"That's ME!" - Tyra Banks
"She's HOT!" - guy on the street
"I'm suing." - Tyra Banks
But enough about them! The Profile Facial Extrapolator is perfect for parties, family gatherings, late night alone typing one handed, or just trying to find a way to end a really really long posting!
Get youself a mirror and watch yourself using it right NOW!

The Profile Facial Extrapolator by Monstee Inc.
Ask for it by name!

Monstee Gets An Idea

Me was not going to post anything this weekend, what due to it being holiday weekend and this am weekend where Monstee stay inside mostly. (It am hot and it am not good for monsters be around global villagers with explosives and torchlike things) Me also wanted to give lurkers as long as possible to post comment and thereby stop being lurkers and become commenting contributing readers and participants of Monstee's Cave. But it seem that ff am only one of you that have GUTS to come out of hiding and just say 'Hi'.

HI ff!!! Glad you stop by! You am lucky you avoid laughter and ridicule at you expense, but you better keep on you toes! Me am watching you....

As for rest of you lurkers.... THIS AM IT! Me am now going to start in on Monstee's new 'Out the Lurkers' program of pain and embarrassment! You have you chance, so you can no say nothing when me do what it am that me do that you not want me do when me do it!!!! HAHA!! Me am Monstee!

Now, back to what inspire me to post when me have no intention of posting am recent conversation me have with Stargasergirl and recent posting in Kate's blog. Yes, another one!!!! Hey, if you no be such a lurker then maybe me have better material work with and not pick on... er, me mean rely on Kate so much!!! If you no like it then you remember it am all YOU fault!!!

Now, if you following Kate's blog then you know she and her gang of cohorts am roadtripping down to great state of panic... er, Florida to see Stargazergirl/Carrie. Kate/Kate took Paul/husband and friends/friends with her/her. (YOU look them up! Me not know all these people!!) Well in latest post Kate say this:

(Incidentally, Mon, Paul said I've made you sound really cool and he'd like to meet you next time we're in that area for a LAN. I snorted and chortled [snortled?] and said I'd let you know.)

Now, disregarding what sound like sarcastic nose honking on Kate's part... Me thought this was GREAT idea! Me love LAN! Then, after while, me google LAN and find out it stand for "Local Area Network" and not short for Lanshire, like me thought at first.

mmmMMMmmmmmlanshire...

NO! Me will not be distracted by thoughts of yummy roadside and gas station treats!!! Why Mr. Paul man want to meet Monstee for LAN??? Am they that good? Am they better than Lanshire? Am they not what Google say and instead of being like tiny little internet the am just in building, they am really good tasty electronic teckno treat? Do he really what to split what sound like VERY expensive snack, or am he just really, REALLY socially impaired and he need to email Monstee from across the room? Me will let you all know when me find out. Me know that him no visit Monstee's cave so him am no Lurker like SOME of you!! So we be nice to him... for now... but me have pictures... hehehe.

Also me was talking to Carrie when she get home from what sound like fun time with gang, driving around in rain and cursing at people. She say that she feel kind of bad that there am not much to do in her town and she feel that with all bad weather and all that nobody going to come back and revisit her. Me think that am silly! What more fun am there than driving hundreds of mile to see old friends and drive round in rain cursing at people??? Great fun!! But me guess that it am something that she no like to do all that much so me come up with new idea for her... miniature golf!

If she build miniature golf coarse in her town then there am stuff to do!!! Everyone LOVE miniature golf! Then me think, bowling! Yeah, everybody have miniature golf... she need miniature bowling!!! People come from miles to play miniature bowling! Me give her idea and she say that she am NO good at bowling... so them me start thinking who to make idea new and fresh and put all players on same level... Not miniature bowling or miniature golf.... MEGA GOLF! You play Mega Golf outside with bowling ball on huge miniature golf coarse that am no longer miniature!! We talking REAL windmills!! You have to bowl ball round corners, up hills, through tunnels... the whole nine yards... er, holes, yeah. And no pins at end either. You got to bowl into big hole with flag! We call it BOWLFING!

Bowlfing! Yet another great idea brought to you from Monstee Enterprises.